Category: journey

Desperately seeking person…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay15 Comments

Happy-Friendship-day-2013

 

Many, many lifetimes ago I blogged about the break of my heart from friendship gone bad. I’m a different person now, and my life is in a completely different place. I bring this up, only because I had this fear that someone would say wait a minute, what about… So I wanted to clarify that yes, that did cause personal issues for me for quite a long, long, long time. But not anymore.

In the past ten months that we have been living in Michigan, my lack of friendship has been near devastating. While this is partly because I don’t know many people, this is also partly because I had to really work through the mentioned above ordeal to form the amazing friendships I had, and then I moved away from them. And while things like text messages and emails and care packages are great, I miss having people. (or at least a person.)

I really, really want a person.

I want someone to share books with, meet for coffee/tea with, someone to go to movies with. I want to know that if I’ve had a crap day and need to escape for an hour, I can have that someone to escape to, even if it’s just to her house because she’s got a family too and gets it. It isn’t just about what I benefit though, these are just the things I’d love in my person. I want to be there for her. What does she need? A babysitter? A shopping pal? A shoulder to cry on? A prayer partner?

We rented a home in Idaho that we never really liked. It was meant to be a “for now” but the complication of moving just never seemed worth it so we stayed. While we resided in the walls of the house we didn’t love, we lived a life full of memories that we did. Millions of memories with our kids, with friends… Holidays and moments. That awful house because home for more than just our little unit. This house is nicer and we love it, but it just hasn’t felt like home for me yet and I think that’s why. It has the nicer walls and the (much) nicer neighborhood, but the life inside seems smaller. I wish it didn’t feel like that. It isn’t that my husband and youngest aren’t enough, it’s that I grew accustomed to the people-full life and I deeply miss it.

I’ve heard all of the answers… volunteer. join a book club. find a church.

I can’t even seem to fit in the work hours I need to right now, so a volunteer job probably isn’t the best option practically speaking.

I am in a book club.

We have found a church. And yes we are involved, and have met people.

I read a memoir last week that had a whole chapter devoted to friendship, best friends and how vital they are in your lives. It went on to talk about the role of a best friend and how if you can find yourself going more than a day or two without seeing or connecting with yours, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship because, as women we wither without the intimacy of close friendship. I literally wept.

Now I am reading a beautiful book, but the author surprised me by sneaking in a chapter on friendship. I wasn’t expecting it. She talked about how she and her friend had lived long distance and after they were married her friend moved across the country, nearer to her, so they could explore the idea of what it was like to be best friends. Sobs.

This is a big area… Surely there is someone out there, right for me?

Please hear my heart in this, I am absolutely not whining, I’m just tired. Soul tired. Ten months of a work demanding husband, ten months of a special needs teen ager, ten months of a lot of pouring out and I’ll be honest- absolutely loneliness… Ten months ago when it occurred to me that I’d be leaving my friends and our very full life, I figured I would be really lonely here, at first. If someone would have asked me what it would be like ten to twelve months after our move, I would have told you confidently that we would have friends and it would be fabulous. It kind of is a little fabulous for everyone but me, and I’m pretty ok with that really. If it had to be unfabulous for anyone, I’d rather it be me.

Honestly, I have no idea how to go from this place to finding a person. I’ve joked about Craigslist. I’ve prayed. I’ve cried. Any tips? Thoughts? advice? Blind dates? HA! Joking about the last one…

(image courtesy of Happy Friendship Quotes)

A note from the inside…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay8 Comments

The snow falls and falls.

From inside my home, {which never seems to get warm enough until I remember that there are people elsewhere who truly can’t get warm enough, and then I realize I am absolutely fine- if not better than fine,} the snow is beautiful. The plump flakes fall like grace from heaven and my heart soars with the glory of it. From my living room the neighborhood scape looks divinely lovely and I can’t help but feel so heart-full. From the view of my dining room deck I gaze upon an untouched field of perfect snow. The wonder of it embodies a million little miracles of blank slates and fulfilled promises of something clean, new, fresh, bright and beautiful…

From inside, this snow fall, this never-ending winter downpour of flurries warms a soul more than it frosts my skin.

Take this girl outside these walls though, and my story changes…

Driving in the snow sends my nerves singing like sharp violin notes which massacre a brilliant silence and instill fear during villainous horror films. Watching the snow through my windshield sends every morbidly grim thought racing through my brain in its own special sort of grand prix.

For what feels like years now, when the snow stops, (which does it really ever stop? I don’t think it does. I believe this is a Twilight Zone episode and we’re trapped in a snow globe… Shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, shake.) the winds come. The winds make the snow seem like sugar falling straight from the sweet hand of Jesus. The winds are the breath of Satan. Satan has some ridiculously icy breath.

The moral of this whiny diatribe was that winter has been going on forever. And really, it hasn’t been forever, but while it’s been here, it’s been like winter times 10,000, and so doesn’t that at least equal a year (or ten) technically speaking?

The groundhog has his gig soon. We should maybe get word to him to do us a solid… If you know what I mean.

In the meantime, this is Misty, signing off from inside the bitter snow globe {where if the wind gets any colder I bet the glass will just break and then Rod Serling will be very sorry he messed with us.}

Learn to Fly…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

I keep this little journal with me wherever I go. It’s purpose is to contain the brilliant thoughts which will undoubtedly cross my mind throughout my day’s adventures, but more honestly it contains scribbled quotes and truths that I often stumble across which may strike me in the most profound of ways. Granted they are other people’s brilliance, other people’s words- but moving and life affirming all the same. Most recently it’s inspiration and words from a book on writing, which I’m devouring while simultaneously filling the pages of my journal with it’s bits and beauties . This is not the kind of book which speaks on prose and grammar, what to say, or how not to say it. No, it’s the sort of book which talks about the humanity of spirit in words and how words were meant to exist beyond the confines of rules and man-made decisions about how they should (or shouldn’t) be said and done. This is the sort of book the writer-me has been aching for.

For the permission to simply be, breathe, create, exist and do what it longs to do.

I find that, as I reader, I am drawn to admire the authors who pen the stories which don’t fit into the perfectly structured novels which could have been English Lit extension projects. What is the point of art and creativity if you are always staying inside of someone else’s lines?

This is where I’m at today, swimming among the pages and mere ideas of letting go. There are stories to tell, and as I hover above the finalization of my former project and ready myself to dive into my next, I find myself full of electricity and excitement…

This is what writing should feel like. Letting go is what reading should feel like as well! And to the critics and grammar nazis who can’t get past their rules and English Lit education, learn to let go a little. Lift your hands from the handle-bars and feel the wind in your hair and your raised arms. Allow yourself to fly and be. Be more than someone told you that you could…

I am.

The one where I salvage what’s left of January…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments
Me–
– since my writer’s retreat plans were changed, I carved out an intense week where during my “business” hours and evenings my focus is solely on work stuff. (I’m both terrified and excited!)
– a facial. this winter is working overtime on my skin! I’m sure being sick hasn’t helped…
– begin a weekly afternoon simply carved out for correspondence and reading, EVERY week. I’m thrilled! BEST goal/resolution of the year!
Us–
– one new year’s resolution I was to have a monthly cocktail evening complete with cards/games, and when it works out, having friends over. 
– Gen & I decided to take a bit of a girl’s weekend, mid month, complete with hotel sheets, sleeping in, no responsibilities, trips to the movies, swimming pools. I’m super excited! 
– In addition, Gen and I are going to start reading together, monthly. We share several of the same books now, which is an odd and special place to get to with your child.
 Heart–
– I’m starting a women’s group through our church. I’m pretty excited. I intended to start in the fall, and was excited to do the book they were focussing on, but I just couldn’t make that particular group work with my schedule. This new groups’ timing is a lot more conducive!
– listening to the calling to do/be more, with my life.
 Create–
– one of my goals this year is to take on 12 photo challenges.
– Since January of 2012, I haven’t been the best at taking photos and I miss that passion.
Reading–
– with the theme of my year being NEW, one thing I’m planning on doing is reading more children’s literature. I never read a lot of it. I kind of, as a reader, jumped right into adult books.
– Secret Keeper by Kate Morton
– MWF Seeking BFF
– Bread & Wine by Shauna Niequist
Home–
– a few reorganization projects.
– warm pots of soup.
– fresh-baked loaves of bread.
– one paper project (at least)
Health–
– yoga
– making more, and creative time for fitness/working out.
Love–
– a date night
– finding little ways to reach out to Chw when life and work keeps us apart.
“It is a tough road that leads to the heights of greatness.”
Seneca 

And NEWness, take two… Action!

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

january-blues

One week into this new year and I figured I might as well crawl over to my laptop and write a blog post. I’ve considered doing so for a few days now, but the very thought of the strength the typing along would take was enough to send me resolutely in another direction, let alone the thinking…

Oh the thinking.

Instead of beginning the year with some wonderful blog post about how my word for the year is NEW, (that’s working out swell, let me tell ya.) or some array of witticisms about our delightful New Years festivities allow me bullet-point, if for no other reason than the ease of my crippled brain, the journey of 2014 THUS far…

– parties or social engagements kept? 0

– parties or social engagements cancelled? 5

– visits to the hospital, by members of our household? 3 (twice were me. once on the 1st and once on the 2nd.)

– consecutive days with fever? 6

– number of prescriptions filled since start of ’14? 7

– number of books read? 0. Who can concentrate?

– number of movies watched? 0. See above.

– number of hours spend staring off into distances, brainless? oh, trillions…

– temperature outside? -13, feels like -500, though they claim it feels like -35. I disagree. {It takes all of the strength I have to put a coat on, to slip boots on and walk down three flights of stairs and get leashes on my dogs and talk them out to go to the bathroom. By the time I’m back in, you would have thought I’d run a half marathon and fought off a team of ninjas, I’m so exhausted.}

– resolutions kept thus far? ZERO. Who am I kidding, I don’t really remember what I wrote on that well-intentioned list that week and a half ago, which feels like a year ago.

– Weakness? Cake.

– Days been sick? 8. Feels like? 800. 800,000. 800,000,000. You get the point…

Hoping this isn’t any indication to how the rest of this year will go, or I’m going back to bed for the rest of the year…

{Image courtesy of Splillerina.com}