Many, many lifetimes ago I blogged about the break of my heart from friendship gone bad. I’m a different person now, and my life is in a completely different place. I bring this up, only because I had this fear that someone would say wait a minute, what about… So I wanted to clarify that yes, that did cause personal issues for me for quite a long, long, long time. But not anymore.
In the past ten months that we have been living in Michigan, my lack of friendship has been near devastating. While this is partly because I don’t know many people, this is also partly because I had to really work through the mentioned above ordeal to form the amazing friendships I had, and then I moved away from them. And while things like text messages and emails and care packages are great, I miss having people. (or at least a person.)
I really, really want a person.
I want someone to share books with, meet for coffee/tea with, someone to go to movies with. I want to know that if I’ve had a crap day and need to escape for an hour, I can have that someone to escape to, even if it’s just to her house because she’s got a family too and gets it. It isn’t just about what I benefit though, these are just the things I’d love in my person. I want to be there for her. What does she need? A babysitter? A shopping pal? A shoulder to cry on? A prayer partner?
We rented a home in Idaho that we never really liked. It was meant to be a “for now” but the complication of moving just never seemed worth it so we stayed. While we resided in the walls of the house we didn’t love, we lived a life full of memories that we did. Millions of memories with our kids, with friends… Holidays and moments. That awful house because home for more than just our little unit. This house is nicer and we love it, but it just hasn’t felt like home for me yet and I think that’s why. It has the nicer walls and the (much) nicer neighborhood, but the life inside seems smaller. I wish it didn’t feel like that. It isn’t that my husband and youngest aren’t enough, it’s that I grew accustomed to the people-full life and I deeply miss it.
I’ve heard all of the answers… volunteer. join a book club. find a church.
I can’t even seem to fit in the work hours I need to right now, so a volunteer job probably isn’t the best option practically speaking.
I am in a book club.
We have found a church. And yes we are involved, and have met people.
I read a memoir last week that had a whole chapter devoted to friendship, best friends and how vital they are in your lives. It went on to talk about the role of a best friend and how if you can find yourself going more than a day or two without seeing or connecting with yours, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship because, as women we wither without the intimacy of close friendship. I literally wept.
Now I am reading a beautiful book, but the author surprised me by sneaking in a chapter on friendship. I wasn’t expecting it. She talked about how she and her friend had lived long distance and after they were married her friend moved across the country, nearer to her, so they could explore the idea of what it was like to be best friends. Sobs.
This is a big area… Surely there is someone out there, right for me?
Please hear my heart in this, I am absolutely not whining, I’m just tired. Soul tired. Ten months of a work demanding husband, ten months of a special needs teen ager, ten months of a lot of pouring out and I’ll be honest- absolutely loneliness… Ten months ago when it occurred to me that I’d be leaving my friends and our very full life, I figured I would be really lonely here, at first. If someone would have asked me what it would be like ten to twelve months after our move, I would have told you confidently that we would have friends and it would be fabulous. It kind of is a little fabulous for everyone but me, and I’m pretty ok with that really. If it had to be unfabulous for anyone, I’d rather it be me.
Honestly, I have no idea how to go from this place to finding a person. I’ve joked about Craigslist. I’ve prayed. I’ve cried. Any tips? Thoughts? advice? Blind dates? HA! Joking about the last one…
(image courtesy of Happy Friendship Quotes)
Rainy Day in May... 
Oh dear…I’m sorry. Somewhere in that ‘ol town is your friend…she just hasn’t gotten the memo yet!
I like to think that too… I keep shouting for her whenever I go outside but she must not be near a window!
I understand, oh, how I know what you feel.
I know. :( I know… Moving! It’s so awesome to start new adventures, minus the friend stuff and the restaurant stuff. I’m so glad you get it and we journeyed through this together, some thousand miles apart!
Misty, it’s hard to move away and make new friends. I’ve been in Indiana for 11 years and it’s only been the last 2-3 that I’ve felt settled. I’ve also realized I may not have the soul sister bond here that I do with those who have known me for 20 yrs or longer. That’s not to say I haven’t connected with women here. I have. I’ve been with some of the same women in my small group Bible study for 5 years or so. We’ve shared our struggles and cried together, laughed together. But I rarely see them outside of Bible study in person. Occasionally, yes, but we mostly stay involved with each other between studies through email and Facebook. My neighbor has a special needs child and the last 4 years, since moving next door, we’ve gotten closer. I count her as a close friend, who uniquely understands the challenges and gifts SN can bring to marriages and life in general, but the last time I saw her in person was 3 weeks ago. We’ve texted and Facebooked, but work, flu season and different schedules have kept us from getting together. I can’t wait until spring when all the neighbors and kids can get out and socialize again. But even with the bonds that have been forming, there’s some bonds that run deeper. One friend I’ve known since I was 4. She was there when my parents divorced and we were inseparable in high school. Another friend from college was always available when I needed her after my mom died. And I’ve been there for them in their hard times. These two and a couple other friends have such a history with me that it feels like coming home just talking to them. That kind of bond can’t be formed overnight. I’m not saying best-friends status can’t happen with new people in new towns; I think it gets harder the older we get. The longer I’ve been in Indiana the more I’ve had to accept and appreciate the levels and layers of connection I have in my life. Maybe one of the newer connections will turn into a soul-sister relationship. We’ll see. I’m trusting that God put me here and placed the people he wants me to have in my life. I’m praying you find the friendship you are looking for.
P.s. sorry for the book :)
Heather, I know many of your lifelong friends back home and those are some truly special girls. (or at least a couple of them.) I have those girls of my own, in my life, and I could never look to replace them. It isn’t so much a lifelong friendship bond that I’m look to have blossomed in 13 seconds or less. I’m just really wanting a someone… Even if it’s just a buddy that I grab coffee with and shoot the breeze. I have deep friendship needs met long distance and I’m absolutely fine with that, it’s the day in and day out loneliness that has me feeling so isolated. Truth be told, we WON’T be here forever. Neither of us want that, and so I’m not looking for life long depth and intimacy in this little sweet town, just a someone (or three) to call “friend”. :)
I’m in a similar place and what I’ve discovered is you can surround yourself with people, but you can’t manufacture connection. Sometimes it can feel soul-breaking.
In the same boat. Something I’ve discovered is that you can surround yourself with people but you can’t manufacture connection. It can be soul-breaking.
Found it! you are right, we can’t manufacture connection… But it seems so often people avoid true connection anymore.
ACK! It’s like you wrote that post for me, lol. Lots of hugs, my friend. xoxo
So many of us are stuck in this crappy club!
I miss you more than words can say and I’m grateful for that text and/or email that we can share. I would be lost withou you! Sending friend juju your way…
XO
I know… I KNOW. I’m super grateful for the ways to connect but I’m super selfish in that I just want to be home.
I wish I had some advice, it seems you’ve covered all bases on the friends search. Surely, someone will come wandering into your welcome arms.
( I wish we lived near you!) I was telling my Lolo tonight that she needs a few good girlfriends. She hasn’t many close friends. I have 5 close girlfriends and only 2 of them live near me, but still, I have them. Wishing you the best of luck….you deserve good friends and THOSE good people deserve you.
XO
Can you tell us more about this? I’d like to find out some additional information.