chronic illness, depression, family, friendship, journey, marriage, writing

Turn…

This is the week when I plunge back into joining the FMF writing challenge. I used to participate every week but, well, it’s been a long season in my journey…

Start.

To everything- turn, turn, turn… 

There is a season- turn, turn, turn… 

Turning seems more like churning these days. I grow weary. Who am I kidding? I’ve grown weary and I am worn. Torn, and battle weak. With tears streaming, as I drove, voice cracking as I alternated singing along with Hillary Scott and asking God why it always has to be so hard. I read once that for some it is always hard, that’s the path for them. For others it is always easy.

Screw my path, then, because I want theirs.

To everything- turn, turn, turn… 

I’m ready for a new season. A season of something other than aching inside and out, isolation, loneliness, a never ending weather winter. I long for connection and conversations, face to face laughter till my side aches.

There is a season- turn, turn, turn… 

My faith feels weak these days. It isn’t. I am solid and I know what I know, and that isn’t being shaken, yet somehow I feel low-blood-sugar jittery about it all. Where I stand, who I am, what I’m worth. That deep rooted feeling of how things never work out for me, grips me tight.

I want to be, breathe, believe. I want to wait and not feel discouraged, and I think I did that once. For a long once. And then my years long life winter wore me down.

The churning feels destructive, though it won’t take me down I will honestly (maybe) wish it would. Maybe I do.

But turn, turn, turn…and a time for every purpose, under heaven- I’m ready.

STOP

 

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family, friendship, gratitude, journey, marriage, writing

When we listen… (and when we don’t.)

Yesterday I was sharing, with a friend, about this season in our lives when we made a wrong decision for our family. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter whose decision it was because I am a big believer in what’s yours is mine, and whats mine is yours, so yeah, we made a bad decision. With the magical vision of hindsight we will forever have the ability to reflect back and see the gigantic things trying to discourage us from this path.We are talking huge things that went beyond the nauseating gut feelings, things like apocalyptic storms, miles long car pile ups and a thousand other things which screamed into the universe TURN AROUND, GO BACK! We didn’t and in a lot of ways we still daily have the consequences of that decision.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all known better, and done it anyway. Most of us could probably attest to doing this more times than we can count. We can never go back. We don’t get a “re do”. There is no rewind and erase in life. Obviously this is not an isolated problem because, otherwise there would not be a plethora of film and books playing out these fresh-start-second-time-around scenarios.

This awesome podcast that I’ve launched with my lifelong friend is one of those things, but in the very polar opposite of ways. I have known (like KNOWN- no weather patterns, but definitely that gut feeling) that this was a direction I needed to go. There are so many aspects to this dream, from essays to books, visions of speaking engagements, etc. It is a BIG dream coupled with a vision my friend Katie and I have had, and this sweet little podcast was a step of faith, in the direction of those things. And then, totally beyond my control, so many little things fall in to place. It seems like every day, since the day of the launch, women and their stories are landing in my lap. (not literally, that would be awkward) Opportunities are opening up and this time the message being sung (not shouted) into the universe is KEEP GOING, THIS IS YOUR PATH.

I have no idea where this journey will lead, but I do know that I am loving every step of it now. (Episode two is available now.)

gifts, gratitude, infertility, journey, marriage, writing

This is twenty-four…

Dearest love of mine,

Twenty four years ago, today, we were children playing dress up, at the very front of the most beautiful church we knew, while the world swarmed in chaos just beyond us.

I was a broken girl looking for someone to fix all of the damage which other broken people had done. Sadly, looking to a boy, barely older and no less damaged was unfair. It was not the right thing to do, but where my heart was concerned, it was genuine love.

I love you then, so incredibly.

I love you today, so much more, my husband.

So many full moons later, the scent of you still stirs my inner being and in every sad or absent moment, that connection which my spirit longs for, can only be found in you.

Sometimes it feels as if these struggles we’ve walked- the barren womb, the absent attendance around us, the hardships (the life ships, the adult ships, the titanic-sized-hurt ships) have often kept us just a reach beyond drowning…

But, my love, my lover, the keeper of the very best of me- When I think of any of the quick-sand-bits, the darkest shadows and the moments which were rusted-out-tear-stained and unfair, there is no one else whose hand I can fathom holding. There are no other eyes I want to search for anything outside of the bad, and no one else’s delectable smile I want to see the happiest rays in. There is no one else whose warmth, whose voice, whose deep-belly laughter speaks the language my heart sings to…

I am proud to be your telekinetic Pictionary partner, for now and always.

Always…

I’ll be there, till the stars don’t shine
‘Til the heavens burst and the words don’t rhyme
I know when I die you’ll be on my mind
And I’ll love you, always

My love, my husband, my Christopher, there is not another soul I want to wake up beside and if we were to manage one hundred and twelve more years together, (twelve- always twelve) it still wouldn’t be enough of you…

Thank you for sharing this journey. Thank you for growing with me, for accepting the gigantic mess that is me, and for being the very best of the best. Twenty four years and hindsight reflects the honesty that there has always been more beauty than sad. You are my heart, and I love you. The ugliest bits have been but nominal blips, fading father away, the moment they die. The good, the things which I am most grateful for-

the love-

that is the everywhere which remains.

M

writing

Depend… (5MF post)

 

Every time I take a moment to contemplate the things I feel I want to do, need to do, or would like to plan for- I am instantly chastised by the voice in my head which tells me to consider pretty much everyone else. For example, I would absolutely love for my husband to be offered an amazing job where we move away from the midwest and start anew. Though this dream sings the song of my heart, for sure, the crushing reality is that it wouldn’t really work. My mom is in a nursing home here and she depends on me… In the day-dream he is given a gigantic raise, making flying out here regularly a possibility- but still…

Every heart-note of my soul song is turned flat by the weights which I feel depend on me.

  • I would LOVE to buy that new dress with this $68, but is that fair to my husband/kids/etc?
  • I would love to buy a ticket and go to New Mexico for a week, but Chw and I have hardly been home together and that is not ending any time soon, and what about the dogs? It’s not fair for him to deal with this on top of working the awesome job he actually has, in real life… 

I love to be needed. I love to be able to help a friend or loved one out. I love for someone to reach out because they know I’m there. These days though, I am feeling a little bit of the weight of the normal adult things depending on me. I want to be free to be/go/do/dream without the crashing reality of adulthood. There are days when life feels filled with others who have that freedom and it magically works out. I am hoping my time to learn that secret happens soon. :)

(this posts is a piece for the Five Minute Friday weekly challenge.)

books, chronic illness, gifts, gratitude, home, journey, list, writing

It’s Friday, I’m in love…

Happy Friday, lovelies…

How has your week been? It has been an odd week around here.

It is amazing how unnaturally busy it has been. My husband is 8000 miles away and I had some pretty big ideas for how I would use this time that he was gone. Of course, I planned on completely revitalizing my eating and fitness routine, because that makes total sense and seems pretty feasible. It won’t likely shock anyone reading this that I did not do either of these things…

While it has not been a bad week, per say, I think it would be a much easier task to write a list of the week’s five worst bits. (ie: HUMIDITY, HEAT, FIBRO-CRAP…) but that would defeat the whole point of these friday posts. So, here goes…

1.) An ALL CLEAR visit with the vet, regarding sweet Elenor, and subsequently introducing her to Peanut Butter. (She’s a girl after my own heart. IOW: BIG PB fan!)

2.) Braving the Wilderness. Finally… Love Brene!

3.) Himalayan salt and essential oil baths. I’ve read about how beneficial they can be for Fibro stuff, and I have been really wanting to try it. It has, however, been so warm out, and that isn’t the sort of thing that is conducive to hot baths. This week, however, it got rough enough that there wasn’t much I would not have tried. I’m sold.

4.) The album Blurryface by Twenty-One Pilots. I am not new to their music. In fact, I’ve loved several of their tracks for going on two years. Late one evening this week, however, I caught a recording of a show they did in Oakland, on MTV Live. The energy was amazing and so I dusted off my Blurryface and have been listening like an addict ever since.

5.) Faith Illustration. While I am not at all artistic, this is kind of something I would love. I had no idea anything like it existed, but since I learned of it, I have been so inspired!

What about you? What is shareable about your week? Anything exciting about the weekend? I will be spending the majority of my weekend writing, and then taking Elenor to visit my mama.