Category: adoption

To Build…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay12 Comments

It is Friday and that means I am again linking up with several lovely writers over at Kate’s Five Minute Friday spot!

(If you aren’t familiar, every friday we free-write for just FIVE minutes, prompted by one word. This week’s word is BUILD.)

~

The foundation was shaky, shattered, torn.

I was broken, this I knew.

My heart lived, aimed, at the idea of a family and a home. My seventeen year old daydreams saw myself with a faceless husband doing household chores in a sleeveless t-shirt, laughing with a laugh which melted my heart. I imagined no lavish excess, just a simple roof over our heads and three beautiful faceless children. I knew they were two girls and one boy, and I knew that although I could not see their faces, this feeling they pricked deep within my core was the motivation for everything.

I sat, in a breakdown. Devastated, exhausted and so damaged from break-on-top-of-break, of my scarred girl heart. That dream propelled me forward, daring to believe there had to be something more than abandonment and loss.

And there was.

It may not have been how I had thought it would be, and it certainly was not all roses and sunset kisses, once I got there, but I did build a life, despite that terrible foundation. I learned the pain, and the redemption, in tearing out that foundation and laying a new, truth-bricked one in its place.

Together, that man (whose laugh I had dreamed up at seventeen) and I built a home. It was not composed of roof tiles and painted walls, but rather a space that moved wherever we did, warmth and rich in unconditional love, support and the freedom to grow as we needed.

This home was everything neither of us had known, as children, and just what we had needed.

~

(My inspiration for this piece is the song To Build a Home by The Cinematic Orchestra. It is beautiful and it deserves a listen.)

Where I am…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay3 Comments

Hello, and happy Friday. (also, happy February, finally!) It’s that time, once again, where I join the cool kids and write inspired by the Five Minute Friday prompt, linking up over at the FMF site.

Let’s dive right in, then… (Full disclosure, My dog Elenor’s squeaky toy is providing my writing music so no telling what we’ll get…)

~

Drafty old home, snow blown landscape on the outside, pear scented and filled with photos on the inside. This house I live in looks like mine, it sometimes feels like mine, but other times it feels like one more facade to pretend this life is a life that it is not.

For years I was told, well before the inauthenticity of social media was on trend, that my life was a projection of playing house. Not a real mom. Not a real marriage. Not a real ____________. Playing house- pretend. It did not feel like that then, deep in the trenches of adoptive parenting, broken hearts and trying to bleed my best into everything, only to fail miserably time and again, ending up bled dry.

Today though, surrounded by photos of moments I both remember and do not, silence filling these “empty nest” walls far more than sound- I feel like the accusations were more right and I was just the fool who was last to see it. Attempting to work through an issue I have been so overwhelmed with regarding my motherhood, one of my kids assured me that my kids don’t have to be a part of my life to keep me a mother, and if I were to die they would surely come to my funeral.

Two months later I am still not sure how to take those words, but I can honestly say the only validated the fear that it was nothing more than a role I overcommitted to, and now the show has run its course. Finito, curtain closed.

This is where I am at. It is brutal and unwelcoming, like the icy snow winds outside of this home. A life’s pursuit of motherhood feels like a forced journey that collectively those involved feel I should not have taken, but I did and now I am lost.

Where does that leave me? I don’t know.

But truthfully speaking, plain and simple, this is where I am.

~

For the love of a good film…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

I have never been very into sports. Sometimes our American culture can seem so sports obsessed that my disinterest would almost feel like an unpatriotic act of rebellion, but it isn’t like that, I promise! While sports may not always be my thing, shouldn’t it really mean something when a sports movie touches my spirit in a profound way?

There have been films which have left me a weeping mess, such as the Blind Side. Although it could be considered a “sports movie” for me, the profoundness was more about the brokenness and love. Maybe it has little to do with sports at all, and I just get deeply immersed in the heart of what lies underneath. Creed was like that, for me. I went, begrudgingly, because I love Michael B. Jordan and I was stirred so deeply that I still think about this movie regularly, 3 years later. Within it I absorbed so much about courage and hope, during a season in my life which felt very void of those things… That is what makes movies truly special, really. They serve as these illustrations of the spirit we often need to step out in, wherever our own journeys have us. Sure, they entertain us, but the really good ones do something more. In the case of Creed, the threads of redemption, forgiveness, unconditional love and our mortality motivated me to fight for the life I wanted, regardless of those current circumstances. When my family and marriage were a total mess, I was reminded that it would not always look that way and I was not powerless. I will always be grateful for what this story represented.

In just a few days Adonis and Rocky will be here, once again in Creed II. Have you seen the trailer? It gives me chills every single time, I for one can’t wait!

About The Movie (Synopsis)

Life has become a balancing act for Adonis Creed. Between personal obligations and training for his next big fight, he is up against the challenge of his life. Facing an opponent with ties to his family’s past only intensifies his impending battle in the ring. Rocky Balboa is there by his side through it all and, together, Rocky and Adonis will confront their shared legacy, question what’s worth fighting for, and discover that nothing’s more important than family. Creed II is about going back to basics to rediscover what made you a champion in the first place, and remembering that, no matter where you go, you can’t escape your history.  The film releases in theaters on Wednesday, November 21.  #CreedII

What about you? Do you love sports movies? What is your favorite?

Dog Days {of Summer…}

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay5 Comments

I’ve talked about it here before, but two years ago this month I unexpectedly lost my beloved life companion Paisley. It was a fast, tragic and deeply severing loss. About eight months later I opened my heart up to love an amazingly tiny little blue-tick beagle I lovingly named Knightley and when he died just three months later…

Honestly, even looking back, fourteen months later, I am not sure how I did it. I love the ones I truly love so, so deeply, and dogs are among the deepest… Even though I had only known my sweet Knightley for such a short time, those were a very dependent few months as his health had not always been the best. He needed me so much and he loved me even more. (I hope you never have to put a puppy down, it is a terrible that exceeds so many others…)

BUT… Nearly twelve months ago my husband brought this little nugget home:

And I’ll be honest… I was not ready. She was this ball of love and energy and cuteness and I just did not want her.

Not long after little Miss Elenor became a part of the clan, my husband went on a super long business trip and I had no choice but to spend a lot of quality time with her.

I wanted to resent her.

I wanted to be so annoyed at her high puppy demands and needs, and I was.

But also, I melted… I knew that it was easier not to love her because someday she’d be leaving too, and my heart just maybe couldn’t take anymore sadness.

But then I would laugh at her, because this girl’s personality is LARGE, and I finally caved because I admitted that my heart would be so much better off to love and embrace her…

 

 

I am so thankful for the life, the love, the indescribably happiness and connection that each one of my sweet little fur loves have brought to my life… Through them I have learned TO love outside of myself, to move past loss and heartache and love again. I have learned to laugh when I still feel shattered, and to take time to settle down and snuggle when I really need it, (or they do) and I am so thankful…

Nina Dobrev stars as “Elizabeth” in director Ken Marino’s DOG DAYS, a LD Entertainment release. Credit : Jacob Yakob / LD Entertainment
Vanessa Hudgens stars as “Tara” in Ken Marino’s DOG DAYS, a LD Entertainment release. Credit : Jacob Yakob / LD Entertainment

DOG DAYS is a hilarious and heartfelt ensemble comedy that follows the lives of multiple dog owners and their beloved fluffy pals.  When these human and canine’s paths start to intertwine, their lives begin changing in ways they never expected.  This is a sweet film about the joy our furry friends bring into our lives and what they can teach us about treating people with kindness and compassion.  DOG DAYS releases in theaters in August 8.

I would love to hear about any dogs in your life, that you’ve loved! You could win a gift card to show them (or yourself) a little love!

I’ll show you my brave…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay5 Comments

www.rainydayinmay.com

Brave to you will likely look very different then it does to me…

I was recently challenged to consider the bravest thing I have done. I thought, instead, of all of the courage and bravery I have seen in the people I know and love. I have friends who have literally chased down muggers/assailants. I have law enforcement friends. I have inner-city-teacher friends. I know several people who travel the world, adventuring into unknown and remote locations… (I recently read a story about an Anaconda, in the Amazon, that stalked someone in the water. It STALKED them. Snakes are in the wild, unknown and remote locations. This is a problem for me.)

My sister Joy lives in a beautiful home in south-eastern New Mexico. (she also has snakes who stalk and intrude on her life) My son is a soldier, as are so many friends. I know a beautiful soul who is a surrogate. The list goes on and on. I see bravery demonstrated so regularly and, when I look at myself, I feel like there is no comparison.

And therein lies the issue. There IS no comparison. My brave won’t look like yours. While it may have been brave for me to fight for my marriage and stand by my husband after infidelity and betrayal, it may be brave for another woman to walk away from a similar situation… And that is the thing about courage- no one else gets to decide it. A soldier, in and of itself, does not make them brave. A soldier who is willing to protect us and fight for what is right, even if it costs him his life- THAT is the brave part. Courage and selflessness in the face of danger is their brave. We can define ourselves a thousand ways, but brave will never be located in the title.

My brave can be found in my pursuit of motherhood long after I lost my uterus. I was shattered, but did not give up.

My brave can be seen within the moves I’ve made, the jobs I’ve taken.

My brave is there, beyond my comfort zone. In the once-awkward situations, the stranger-conversations, the elements of life just beyond my natural limit. I have grown to push myself there, into that place. Sometimes it is downright nauseating.

My brave is rooted deep, in my writing. To be authentic, raw and displayed does not come naturally, but it is the only way that it feels right.

My brave may have been born the day that I realized it was up to me to stop the patterns of sexual abuse that were happening within my childhood. There was no shame, only a concrete knowledge that the more  people I told, the less likely it was to happen again.

I told everyone.

It never happened again.

Perhaps the most ironic part of each one of those things though, is that they never felt brave. They often felt woven with elements of worry, anxiety and more than a healthy sprinkling of fear. Second guessing was my second nature during the seasons that, upon reflection, reveal themselves as brave. Bravery often makes me feel like I need to throw up, pass out, curl up in my bed and hide… The list goes on and on, but never have I though Woah! Now that, Misty, that was one mighty fine act of bravery! And it’s pretty unfair for me to hold myself to another soul’s standard of bravery before I’m willing to label it is as such.

Maybe you scale rocky mountainside’s for fun, eat nails for breakfast and only date psycho clowns- if so, my list probably seems pretty mild to you. (I’d also like to point out that two of those three things aren’t brave, they are reckless and that’s not actually always a fine line. Sometimes it is a gigantic 8-lane interstate.)

I don’t know when I’m brave, always.

I am pretty sure I could sit here and list out the ten-thousand ways I have felt and acted the opposite, just this month.

I’m working on accepting my brave for what it is. I’m learning I don’t need my neighbor, brother, husband or friend to call it brave, for it to be. Most importantly though, I know to my core that I need the brave list to be growing longer, by the day, while the other list grows smaller and smaller…

So that’s my plan.

(Minus any and all snakes, anyway.)

What has your brave looked like?