Category: self care

The one with the Do’s and Do Not’s…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

I used to wake up, before the sun, every morning. I would make breakfast for my husband and get him out the door. I would write until it was time to wake my youngest. Before any of those things happened, I had made my bed, gone through my diligent face care routine and dressed in real (non-pajama) clothes. She had a home cooked breakfast, every morning, and then we homeschooled.

I was not a coffee drinker.

I managed to write an entire novel this way, make a decent income as a blogger and worked as both a freelance film critic and consultant for Random House. At some point, in 2010, I decided I needed more on my plate, so I turned my passionate hobby of photography into a small business.

Allow me to pause here, for just a minute, to advise you against taking something you creatively love and making it a business. This does seem to work out for some, but for so many of us it only leads to disaster… My DSLR is hardly ever on these days, and after two years of taking orders from people who did not care what my focus or vision was, I closed the doors on that endeavor. There was also the fact that I was tired, my writing was suffering and I was joining the masses as an exhausted/uninspired blogger…

It will probably always come back to this blog.

It’s not surprising that when one pulls away from consistent blogging, allowing months to pass between half-hearted attempts at posts, their audience gravitates elsewhere. Social media and the miracle of micro-blogging was not a thing yet. Somehow I kept this little space of the internet there, at bay, for the someday to come. The someday when I would feel inspired and suddenly once again share everything through the lens of an observer.

The thing is, that day will never come.

Just like sitting on three completed novels, a hundred personal essays and poetry pieces does not a published author make. While I know that several of those projects are nowhere near publishable, it annoys me to wake up at 42 and wonder what I was thinking? I kept my life at bay, waiting for that day when I’d be an agent represented, published author. How I would ever get from point A to G without accomplishing B, C, D, E, & F, I never seemed to consider. It would just happen, wouldn’t it? No. “If you write it, they will read it…” “If it’s meant to be, it will be…” *Insert other stupid nonsense, we put our faith in because we need something to believe in and that might be less vulnerable than actually going after it, here…*

When my youngest left the nest, I knew the season of pursuit was upon me. I knew that the running list of things I used to do, would be mine again-

  • I would blog.
  • I would find an agent.
  • I would publish my book.
  • I would begin a podcast.
  • I would have this amazing army of a support system around me.
  • I would master time management, beginning with a sacred morning quiet time, which would fill my soul with infinite peace…
  • I would read so many books.

The good news is that I did manage to start a podcast, and I really love the experience. It has been like nothing I ever could have imagined, in my wildest dreams. The truth is though, the podcast wasn’t ever meant to be the focus or the most important part. (Someone asked me the other day how I felt podcasting and writing went hand in hand. I couldn’t answer. The truth is, they don’t. Both support my heart, my vision/what I believe is my purpose, but that is the only real connection.)

The rest though, minus point five, is on me. My time management is far from mastered. No longer having kids at home, it is beyond me how I can not manage to find time to do these things. How many times did I say:

When school is out for summer I will…

When Gen graduates I will…

After we move, I will…

Just let me get through the holidays and then I will… 

Because, in some dysfunctional way I believed time would magically appear, but it doesn’t. Time to write, time to sit quietly to connect/pray/reflect, time to work out, time to… IT DOES NOT *POOF* into existence. We adapt and fill those spaces once filled by other things, with new things. Because the habits didn’t already exist, they don’t fall in line.

I have felt so much insurmountable disappointment in all of this. I half heartedly throw a post up and only a couple dozen people may read it. Defeat. I take part in a few linkups in an effort to connect with readers and grow an audience (again), but see little to no traffic increase. Defeat. I start the year off with a simple, lovely little devotional and open it yesterday morning to see five weeks have passed since my last check in with that sweet little book. Defeat. I catch a glimpse of my TBR pile. DEFEAT…

And, to be honest, I find myself incredibly hurt and disappointed by the lack of support in the people I love more than life itself. Which, is ok. It is ok to be hurt when it seems like others should care. HOWEVER, out of an entire list of things bearing my frustration and disappointment, that is the one point I cannot do anything about. Instead of allowing that to debilitate me further, I need to just get up, dust myself off and DO ALL OF THE THINGS. Period.

Instead, I stay stuck, and we all know that defeat and disappointment feel terrible.

I have lived silently within the dimension of my growing frustration at these things. With each passing day, I have felt worse, but did little to change a thing. Then I became a part of a conversation with others. Other women, women I respect and admire, who are living an almost identical chapter. What?!?!?! Something magical happened though, when this conversation began…

I was able to start addressing these things, one little bit at a time. I am still chipping away and maybe that will sum up the next ten years of my life. That’s ok too. I’ll get there and it WILL be worth it.

This early Wednesday morning I do not have time management mastered, but I am managing to use my time better. I am realizing my mistakes within the dream world of overwhelm.

I am doing something, and so at least there is that.

The Wednesday Podge…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay7 Comments
Hello and happy Wednesday to you!
I wasn’t sure if I’d be doing the Hodge link up this week, to be honest. I’m “nursing” a bit of a mysterious back injury and coming down off of a spring cold, which my husband generously shared…
One would think that a writer, suddenly forced to stay as “down” as possible would suddenly have so much time to work, but this is the first time I’ve been at my laptop since Saturday, and I think I was probably paying a bill then, not writing… The moral of this week’s story is that I am nauseated from the pain most of the time, and pretty miserable. There hasn’t been any reading, any writing. It’s a little sad.
If you’re new to this and you’re wondering what in this world this Hodgepodge thing is all about, every Tuesday six questions are posted over at From This Side of the Pond, and on Wednesday those of us participating answer them, link up and then visit one another. I’ve “met” some very lovely writers like this, and it is fun to participate when I can!

From this Side of the Pond

1. What happens to the mail at your house? I ADORE handwritten cards and letters, and still have a few friends who share the affection. Those gems are treasured, by me. The majority of our mail is garbage, and since we live in an area without recycling- (I know the controversy around it all, anyway) the junk just gets tossed.

2. Something you always splurge on? Any guilt associated with the splurge? Oh! This is a great question… Hmmm. I always have money on my Starbucks app, even though I don’t particularly like their coffee. Sometimes I spend a good chunk of time, in a day, out and their refreshers and teas are a nice treat. With the app I earn points towards free drinks… No guilt associated with the splurge as much as just habit. I also spend money on skin care and make up. Actually, even more than these things are blowouts. IF I HAD MY WAY, I would get one a week. They are HEAVENLY, but I tend to get them when I can. It is a splurge indeed, but it also makes my life easier. I do feel guilty, sometimes, because it seems indulgent.

3. There are many, but what are two important questions you think every bride and groom should ask/answer before they plan their walk down the aisle? One- “You know yourself better than anyone else, should a day arise when you suddenly seem to believe you never loved me and you want out of our marriage, what do you want me to say to you to anchor you in and bring you back down to reality?” Two- “What are off limit or uncomfortable topics for you?” Because partners NEED to be able to talk about everything…

4. What’s the best advice your father ever gave you? My foster dad probably gave me a lot of great advice and wisdom but there isn’t one particular thing that stands out.

5. Your favorite movie where a father features heavily in the storyline? I really love the movie Frequency. it has been a long time since I’ve seen it though, so while I remember a father weight, I’d have to say that my absolute favorite movie that features heavy fatherhood themes would be Elizabethtown.Being a girl who was raised without a father, and with a super abusive/unhealthy father figure until I was 12 and went into foster care, it’s not a subject I really relate to. This is probably pretty evident in these choices… (I also really love A Love Song for Bobby Long which is a pretty obscure father film, but it stands out for me.)

6. Insert your own random thought here. This weekend, on Father’s Day, my beautiful grand-daughter will turn 2. My mother just turned 71 last week, and on Monday my little sister turned 39. My older daughter turned 28 a few days ago. While none of these are the typical milestone ages, I find myself feeling really overwhelmed with these numbers. Perhaps it is that I am away from that sweet baby girl, my daughter and also my sister. Maybe, even though I can see my mother any time I want, Alzheimer’s has kind of taken her away too. Maybe these life celebrations just feel increasingly heavier as the distance between us feels overwhelmingly permanent. Thankfully my daughter will be here this weekend and I get the chance to love on her with a bit of a belated birthday love…

What Spring has brought with her…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

www.rainydayinmay.com

When I signed up to Let Go, this year, I really had no idea of the things that would be asked of me.

I would say that, while this is probably a truth that has applied to all of my WOtY’s, this year has all at once stung incredibly and also been so restorative. Now, it is June. We are at a half way point and I find myself reflecting on this journey. Here in Michigan we’ve had about eleven seconds of true spring, following the twenty years of winter… (While you may be learning that I can sometimes exaggerate, this is something I’ve known for a good, long while.)

Spring is nearly out the door, making way for Summer, and I am reflecting along with my favorite Emily, about what Spring has shown me…

The vision/dream my heart has held for so eternally long really can be mine… I’ve read all of the little memes about believing in yourself, I’ve read the books and seen the lectures. But then, at some point this Spring I finally followed through with a project that was two years, (and let’s be honest, a lifetime) in the making and opportunities/possibilities just spilled forth. It took those things happening to make me realize this vision wasn’t a fantasy, it was a grand design. It may look differently than the ways I’ve dreamed, but that just means it will be better and more suited to my truth.

The internet has made me a terrible book reader… Goodness, have I ever written more truer words? It is terrible! I’m trying to change it, honest! I have sat the book I’m attempting to read, on my table every day this week. I naively tell myself that will remind me. I pencil READ onto my to-do list. Instead I spend all of the moments I have on the computer. Yes, it is work, and necessary, but where are the boundaries? Where is the balance? (And why does the internet have so much access to so many great things? (And do I really need to have/learn/do all of the great things right now? NO. And yet…))

People that are loved and trusted can tear us down in their climb up to finding their own worth. Not all of them, but the love and trust doesn’t make them exempt… this is probably the most sad part about my let go journey. Relational losses are always difficult and at first I wasn’t sure it would be a full-fledged loss. I could not imagine it and certainly did not want it. I’d been too close to the situation to see the very toxic negativity that was continually being directed at me. I sat back and trusted the journey that God had me on and daily there was negative opposition that tore me down a little more.Others saw it, my breaking and the reasons, but I couldn’t. Afterword, the shock of the loss seemed incomprehensible, but the sudden weightlessness of the journey felt so free. This is what they call bittersweet, I suppose. I harbor no resentments, as I said very early that whoever is supposed to be here, will be & likewise, whoever is not will not be. There is peace in seeing that I truly did surrender myself to trusting that and in the lesson learned valuable things.

I don’t love rewatching movies as much as I used to… Oh, I really used to. There are a handful of movies that I have watched hundreds and hundreds of times. Now, in this season, I am seeing that I’m growing more selective about watching much, and the concept of rewatching sounds beyond underwhelming.

Stress really does hurt… I have been watching my husband’s stress levels rise to such levels that not only is he no longer able to do that thing which he loves the most (run), but his body is broken down to such a point that he is constantly ill. This man has literally gone years without so much as a sniffle. It is all so sad to see.

Sometimes it takes another person’s difficult season to put our own into perspective… This year I have walked along several people who are in absolutely shattered seasons of their life. I ache so terribly for them, and find myself with wider eyes, freer thoughts and a much heartier gratitude list than ever before.

I really find gratification in an empty DVR… {also- that I don’t need a DVR} I enjoy escaping with a show and snuggle down with the husband as much as anyone. I don’t feel tv is the devil, and I’ve never been anywhere near a slave to my DVR. Even so, I’m feeling much the same way about tv as I am movies…

Tulips are toxic for dogs… I learned this because my passionate love of fresh flowers and my sweet little (almost 1-year-old) Golden Elenor believed they were meant to be her snack… So she ate tulips. And it was intense, and stress filled, and most importantly- she is ok. Thus concludes the story of how this flower loving girl will never have tulips around, again.

So many people are ready to burst, needing to share their journey with someone and continually finding no one who cares… Every single day this lesson grows bigger.

Motherhood is quite possibly the kryptonite, to my life... More than anything, as a girl, I wanted a mother to mother me. More than anything, as I was older, I manually moved whatever mountains I had to, to become one. Miscarriages, surgeries, medication, procedures, foster care, failed adoptions and finally, being a mom… But that motherhood journey, for me, never had a solitary moment of peace. It was one painful struggle after another. I’ve spent an adulthood waiting for it to be that thing I’ve always believe Motherhood would be.

I have never thought I would be the rehome my dog type… And yet, this has become a daily discussion. We have a dog that grows more and more special needs, by the day. With a chronic illness, traveling (for work) husband and limited financial resources- we are at a loss. Many (MANY) nights she keeps us up with her manic behavior, which now consistently all day as well, and it is just growing worse. I am sad, so so sad to even consider. (And so overwhelmed as to how.)

I am tired… which could be the culmination of all the things, and the real blame for why I’m not reading. Truth is, I’m too tired to figure any of that out! Ha!

It’s Friday, I’m in love…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Happy Friday, lovely readers…

I cannot believe that next Friday it will be June. JUNE?!?!? How in the world did that happen?

This week has been overwhelming! I have met, read letters from and had phone calls with so many brave women. Some of them are reading this post. (thank you, I truly do value you) My heart has never been more full of gratitude and an unfathomable amount of love before. The journeys, the bravery, the uniqueness of women… So many different details, and yet most of their paths have (at one point or another) led to the same pit of shame and isolation. Your path, my path. While we are all wishing we’d vacationed in the same, all-inclusive, tropical resort- it is instead the secret place of shame we have all shared experience with.

This is both sad, and unifying. This walk is sometimes so dark and lonely, but the more we share- I am so glad we get to walk together…

By Thursday evening I had put forty-seven hours of work in, between writing and podcast related things. When I reflect back on the week, it’s a little challenging to sort through the work stuff to remember the best parts, beyond that because the truth is- the work is the best part.

I am nothing if not relentless, so, I managed to have five things to share with you:

  1. This blog post, was lovely. While I read quite a few great things around the web, throughout the week, this one really resonated and stuck with me.
  2. There hasn’t been a lot of sleep this week. (no, that isn’t something I have loved…) I did manage to finish (finally) Season Two of Divorce (HBO) finish the latest season of The Great British Bake-off (Netflix) and watch Evil Genius (Netflix) and true story: The final episodes of one of them made me cry like a baby. If you can guess correctly, you’ll get a gold star! (sidenote: Though not a clue to my challenge in the sentence below, i did want to say that I really do love anything Mark Dupless does. Pure talent!) (also- I tried really hard to love Masterpiece’s Little Women, but I just couldn’t. I was 100% sure it would make this list, but I could only make it through 2/3rds of the first episode.)
  3. A sweet friend urged me to go to her house and cut a bunch of lilac to bring home. It has smelled exquisite here since Monday!
  4. I have a pretty love/sad-disappointment relationship with Sophie Kinsella’s books. For my birthday my friend sent me this one, and I finally began reading it this week. I’m a little ways in and, though I really do like the style and maturity her writing has gained, the actual subject matter has me bristling a bit. I’m hoping it gets better…
  5. I love a good mask, there is no secret there… And while I typically talk pretty regularly about face mask stuff, I fail to mention how much i LOVE a good hair mask. My favorite is this one. You should absolutely try it. You’re welcome.

As always, i would love to hear what you’ve loved this week. Most of your answers tend to come to me as email replies. Thanks for subscribing and reading, however you choose! This will be the last “traditional” Friday post, (wah wah) and it’s number 33. Perfectly imperfect number to transition with, don’t you think? (in case you’re curious, it was about a year.)

 

 

 

It’s Friday, I’m in love…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

I am in love, (of the head over heels variety) with the blossoms on our trees. It is like Michigan woke up one morning and realized it had forgotten to dress in its spring apparel. I know, by now, that there is no “this time of year” sentiment rooted in fact, here in the mitten state. The weather is never the same. Even here, in the just-over-half-way point of May, a huge snow storm could fall on us at any point in time. I know the drill.

Sadly the blossoms are blowing off as quickly as they came. I feel the need to stomp my foot and ask God if the beauty  really has to be so fleeting… Then this might be when God smiles lovingly and points out the huge pimple on my jaw line and I sigh. (imaginary conversations are my specialty)

This week I’ve been lucky to love quite a few things. Some old, some new, and I am super excited to share those things with you…

  • This website is really time-consuming, but super moving. I am a big “fan” (the word seems almost inappropriate) of things which stretch the boundaries of my empathy and ability to relate to others. This is very much one of those things. (Another was this book… And if you happen to be pretty conservative and fear it will be like the Netflix series, I assure you, it is not.)
  • I think the husband & I feel like we watch a fair amount of shows on TV, but in comparison to the national average, we watch a lot less. That being said, I have to be honest and say that I am really glad the few shows I enjoy on regular TV are wrapping up for the season. For the most part, each time I watch a season finale, I find myself grateful.
  • Yellow Box Flip Flops are my life, in the summer. Truth be told, I dream of living somewhere where I can be in them all year long. Their soles just offer so much support. BEST. SHOES. EVER…
  • This sort of thing either annoys you, or your entire day will be made and you just might love me forever. Either way, this is my special weekend gift for you. You’re welcome…
  • I get it, it looks weird. I also get it, Wes Anderson movies are quirky… But seriously, if you like dogs AT ALL, you need to see this film. I knew I would love it, the issue was finding someone to see it with me. And finally, my husband reluctantly went, and really enjoyed it.

I have a really big week, coming up. There are a lot of stressful things, and some really exciting ones… I could use (and will take) all of the positive thoughts/energy/prayers you’re willing to share!

I’m not going to lie though, i am really excited for this… I wish I cared about the actual event, but I just don’t. I enjoyed the last one. My daughters and I made a big party out of it, and it was really fun/special. This time around though, I just have to admit: Will Ferrell makes everything better.