Category: Misc.

on writing and authenticity…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

Something out of nothing.

That is what every day, as of late, has felt like. Mixed signals out of innocent responses, hail storms out of calm. An impomptu meal whipped up from a fridge adorned with scarcity. Something out of nothing. Like me. Like this. I wrote out my heart for years, for myself. I focussed on the numbers and paid attention to who commented on what, where they hailed from and what they’d said. Social media found ways to feed my need for something- but bigger. Once upon a time my heart beat for everything out of nothing, immediately.

I don’t want to go there again, to be that person needing the validation of anyone who wants to summarize my worth or value with an Instagram double tap heart or Facebook thumbs up.

I would like for this little piece of internet real estate to contain something of value, but lets be clear- I want to always be the nothing. I don’t want to crumble if no one leaves a comment and only seven people visit my site. I want to write, because I am a writer.

I want to dream, because I am an artist and a dreamer.

I want to make, produce, believe, become and put myself out there, not for the awe and applause but because it is what I do.

I want for you to read something which grew from {me} nothing, and I want for it so continue to happen. Down the road I want the same nothing to be responsible for books and more than I can comprehend. I want to be the voice which stands within the most imperfectly imprecise body, speaking to a room full of someones. I want my motivation for none of it to be based on the “love” I may receive, because attention is fleeting, but art does live on.

When did being a writer, a photographer or a creator of any kind become so much about the glorification and applause and not about the process?

Today I put the pen to paper for me, for my heart, for my passion. For my breathe…

Out of gratitude, because I have the ability and I am truly thankful for this.

The rest, it’s just noise. When I think about it, it blocks the flow and that is what needs to not happen…

Authentically speaking matrimony…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

We scrambled eggs and toasted bread, this weekend. There was coffee in the press, aromatically tickling the best inside of us while the ice blew around outside tugging at the less best.

It is so hard to listen to another when we cannot seem to look over the hurdle of hurts and inadequacies we choose to fence ourselves in with. We have all done this, to degrees, and the letting go is overwhelmingly vulnerable but so necessary.

If I were to ever write a book on marriage, this is absolutely the angle I would take. I would title it something akin to Get Over Yourself, and it would probably be poignantly badass and awesome. Lives and marriages would be changed and the world would bloom brighter because the divorce rate would plummet…

All from my book.

Obviously, this isn’t true. None of that would happen, and I would honestly never write about marriage. The truth is that this isn’t because I wouldn’t be qualified as much as because the world around me feels that I am not. I am asking myself quite a bit lately, how much does the world around me determine my path?

My husband and I married very young, with a very unhealthy support system, very loosely around whenever it fit their needs. We were life-broken and hurt kids, walking down the aisle to some promise of a future constructed by a mix of the 90’s church, movies and top 40 love songs. These ideas sold as ideals were all we knew to look toward, and so it was devastating when they let us down.  None of these things prepared us for emergency medical procedures in less than ideal locations, or badly mannered doctors brazenly promising you a healthy baby, while hours later you lay holding the sixteen week lifeless one in your hands while your husband wails and looks toward suicide to balm the horror throbbing from inside of him. Bloody bathroom baby funerals became the most consistent part about our early day marriage and when we looked up or called out, we were almost always left with only each other to look at.

Adultery honestly, with hind sight, kind of makes sense. Nothing within out lives made sense and everything hurt overwhelmingly, so escaping it for something which felt a little nice and was so separate from the worst life was almost a no-brainer. Of course, anyone who has ever cheated or been cheated on knows that this doesn’t take the bad away or really make it any better. It simply piles on top.

Divorce follows broken, blistered years of crash-course-adulthood almost always. In our case, had any one element been different- the support system, the miscarriages, the drowning medical debt- everything else may have changed. Had one tiny sign of life been present, the funeral would not have had to happen.

But it did…

And then a rebirth came. It was painful and gut wrenchingly beautiful and organically everything that should come from a shattered marriage moving forward. Living it was unexplainably complex.  Having grown up in the between helped immeasurably, and for that we were grateful. There was no condoning the giving up and not fighting, but we were attempting to redeem that short coming, and beauty abounded. A family miraculously came to be out of seeds of awful beginnings, and that next bit was real life littered hardships, sometimes discouraging but some how always intoxicatingly beautiful.

Gratitude. Always, there was gratitude.

But life is cyclic and shifts happen. The things which should have stayed most important slowly weren’t any longer and the slow-motion spiral stole our marriage’s breath away. Stole my breath away and silenced my heart. I have never felt so terrified, so incapable, so helpless, so worthless. So numb.

The train wreck following the slow motion fall was instantaneous and blinding. The deafening blows left my senses unable to grasp and be for weeks and weeks. When they did, I reached out to the supportive life I’d grown to nurture and found that the majority of them had been more shallowly inclined to love me than they had actually let on- once my life was shattered and bare. That is how it goes, really. Nearly every time. People love to show up when things are bright, and people love to take credit for the place they stand beside you, but when you fall most of them scatter…

Today I am with my husband. We made eggs and toast. We read a little, together, worked a little, together, and spent a cozy day confined inside while the world of never-ending winter froze just beyond our windows. The journey is long and hard and any one who has been married for any amount of extended time will know this. Not everyone tells the truth and so if someone tells you it’s great, just know they are lying to themselves more than to you.

Marriage is hard and it can be dark. It hurts more than any other relationship. When both people do their parts though, and put the other first, it is the most secure, warmest, most full filling and embracingly raw thing our human hearts can comprehend. Often what makes it so hard is that we cannot make the other person do their part or even want to, when they aren’t, which feels devestating. Sometimes they just don’t want to act on love, with us. And that sucks. When we each want to make the effort, it is so beyond anything I can find words for. Today has been a medium of that, while Friday was a not-at-all. Last weekend was a 10 out of 10.

And that is marriage. It is real, and you have to stay on top of it and protect it and work at it and honestly, there can not be time off. It is intensely 24/7, no day is a guarantee and no moment is scripted.

And when you are honest, in the train wreck times, there are people who will hold this in their memory until their very last breath. While they believe they don’t want you to fail, they also can’t get past that time when you could have. The worst part is that maybe they could have extended love and helped, but probably they didn’t, they just “care” so much to hold those moments against you.

My marriage is mine and my husband’s responsibility, but it is ignorant to pretend like no one else can hurt/harm/help it, because that just is not true.

For five months in late 2015/2016, my husband and I were separated and living in different states.  For two months, leading up to the sudden separation, things were really disconnected between us. Over that time there were counselors and others sought because we each said we wanted to have a strong marriage, and every time we were turned away. Within those five months, other people were DEFINITELY a majorly contributing problem. Those five months were two years ago. The sad expressions and gossipy questions looking for dirt never cease. This is why any book, on the topic, would never amount to anything. The social system around me would squash it from blooming. Can you believe she honestly thinks she has anything to say about marriage? Remember that time…

Allow a micro rant here- Stepping back I see this same exact thing happening in thousands of lives around me, in so many ways. Why are we rooting for the failure of others while masking it as concern? When you “well-meaningly” ignore two years of progress and healing to cut me right back to that time- it isn’t loving and it isn’t support. If all you can think to ask is how my marriage is, since the separation, then perhaps you should stop and think about the 24 years of survival and work we’ve put into it instead of the five months we were flat on our faces- and then ask yourself how you could have actually shown kindness both then and now…  And if you are one of those people and are married- shame on you for taking that self righteous path of crushing down.

Rant over…

When I want to look to someone for marriage inspiration and guidance, I look to the person who has been honest about their rollercoaster journey. THIS shows commitment, not the pretty filter image projected out there. When I want fitness/weightloss inspiration, I look to someone who has actually done it, not the naturally permanent size 4 girl with her own youtube channel. the time for authenticity is NOW…

I made eggs and toast, along side my husband. We had a few little irritations. This isn’t because of any other reason than we’re human, we have outside things in each of our lives that interfere with our thoughts and stresses. We were trapped in our house while an ice storm wailed outside. We are people. I love my husband more than any adjective could explain and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him, within my power. My marriage isn’t great, it isn’t fine, it isn’t anything other than REAL. Just like yours…

 

It’s Friday, I’m in love…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

I had so naively hoped that I could rave about how gloriously beautiful the weather was, now that it’s Spring and all. In reality though, so far Spring is pretty much just like Winter, and let’s face it- many are open for disappointment…

I do enjoy saying that it is Spring though.

It is Spring. Spring!!!

So far, though Spring is on my naughty list, and therefore NOT making this cut, this week, I am cautiously optimistic at it’s potential in weeks to come…

1.) Around November, this woman that some of you may have heard of, (her name is Oprah, just in case you’re one of the few) released a list of her Favorite Things. I have, in all honesty, never found many things in her list to be things I loved (especially where the book club aspect of things fell) but still, curiosity spurred me to check it out. I cannot remember anything on that list, save one thing in particular. While I may have been the last person around to learn what an air fryer was- I knew instantly that I needed this miracle machine. Funny thing about new, well-reviewed products though, (especially when they make Oprah’s list) they are out of stock. For a long, long time. So, we saved our pennies, and waited. And waited. And waited. And then, one week ago today, the heavens parted and I was alerted that Macy’s was having a ONE day sale, and they had ONE in stock. And then, as strange as it may seem, that 40% off little miracle, was tucked away in the back room and no one knew why. (I did! It was meant for me! Happy birthday, to me! Air fried chicken for everyone! (and bacon! And everything! Let’s fry it all!)

2.) While at the miracle sale, at Macy’s, (A store I NEVER shop at, and reminded me of my Dillard’s employee days as soon as I walked through the doors) a display for these little diffusers was sitting by the register. As a part of the one day sale, it was $20. TWENTY dollars! I picked up a few other goodies from the Ellia table, and brought home this amazing little gem. I love it so much! I sleep to sounds of the ocean, and it runs beautifully… Plus, let’s be honest- it’s gorgeous.

3.) Today is the day! Season two of Santa Clarita Diet is here! I am thrilled! We LOVE T.O. & D.B. so much and the combination of them in such a metaphorical way is absolutely genius!

4.) Ok… Southern Sweet tea has saved my life, this week. I don’t want to hear about the sweetener in here being not super Keto friendly. I literally do not care. I drink Coke Zero, which also isn’t keto friendly, and this tea is probably better for me than that… At any rate, I LOVE sweet tea, and this tea is carb and calorie free. So yeah… And it is so incredibly tasty!

5.) I literally stumbled across this song by Needtobreathe this week and I have to say it really hit me right where I was, like an arrow to the pit of me. Thought I’d share. :)

As always, I love hearing what has stirred your soul and made you smile, this week.

Happy Friday!

It’s Friday, I’m in love…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

You guys, it’s February! How?

Last week I received an email from one of you lovelies, and I loved it! It’s author was having a bit of a rough season and said:

I really enjoy getting in to the office on friday mornings and finding your post in my inbox. I often find new favorite songs, things I have to purchase as soon as humanly possible, a good chuckle or a reason to tear up. There is something so human about your sharing and transparency. Some days though, like today, I just want to sarcastically list the top five things I really don’t like about this week, in reply. That’s pretty transparently human too, don’t you think?

I DO! We had a nice back & forth exchange, over the weekend. The truth us, sometimes I do slip things that I might be disappointed, or am struggling with, into these Friday-Five posts. Life is not perfect. I do not want to give that Fake-Facebook illusion that my life is picture perfect. There are weeks so overwhelming that I really have to grasp to fill these five slots. While I do have a list of five ready to go, for this week, I could probably come up with a list of forty-five “bad things” almost instantly. Like, do you know what I don’t like? When my husband’s business trips get extended. When it feels like I spend less hours/days with him home than not, and all of the side issues that accompany that, and this particular season of ours. Do you know what I really, REALLY don’t like? When it is dark outside, and I’m walking the dog (close to home) and she stops, alarmed, and then follows something (with her eyes) as though there was actually something there, which there isn’t… Creepy dog. I DO NOT like that. And also, nearly crashing my car into the back of someone. (although I do really like that it was a “nearly” and not an actually.) Adding to the terrible list, cucumbers. Gross.

That is kind of the point, I guess. For most of us, it is super easy to find, list out and dwell on the bad. So I (try to) intentionally focus on a handful of things I love a little (or a lot, sometimes) to share with you guys, whom I also love.

1.) Let’s chat about wish lists for a second. I keep a running wish list for a few reasons, but the two biggest would be that A.) my husband will ask, come birthday and Christmastime, and I ALWAYS come up with nothing, when put on the spot. Also there is B.) the fact that my memory is pretty worthless and sometimes I see really great things that I might just want to buy one day… Even so, while I am known to ask a child what they’d like for Christmas or birthday, I try not to make any occasion super materialistic and consumer focussed. It is a pretty fine line, at those times, but what about the asinine Hallmark holidays? I have always prided myself on being the low maintenance Valentine wife, content with a bouquet of Costco flowers and cheap little date. Or not. That’s how easy I am. (Though between us, my heart always hopes I’ll secretly be surprised by a bouquet of peonies, because they are my absolute favorite. I can say that because Chw doesn’t give two hoots about this blog. I also know myself well enough to know that once I saw the amount spent on such an indulgence, I’d kick both of us and then go back to being just fine with Costco roses…) That being said, there is this book releasing which I absolutely want to beg my husband to buy me, and inscribe it with something heartfelt and lovely.

Who am I kidding? I already showed him this book, about a month ago. It sounds so delicious, doesn’t it?

2.) Speaking of my husband… The guy is a BIG fan of Emergen-C. (So much so that sometimes it almost seems like the Windex thing from My Big Fat Greek Wedding…) I’m not above taking it, if I am actually sick (or feel strongly that I’m getting sick) but I am not a masochist and so I have to mix it with orange juice. (or, best of all is several juices together so that I can pretend it is a mimosa or cocktail.) When we ran out, this month (GASP!!!! The Horror!!!) my husband managed to find the Army supply size at Costco, to purchase. I only half rolled my eyes though, because let’s face it- the guy is hardly ever sick, so he may really be on to something. To my surprise, on the side of the box there was a smoothie recipe.

Mind blown… Why hadn’t I ever thought of that?

This week I made my normal smoothie recipe, (forget theirs, their product already tastes like dehydrated floor cleaner, I don’t care to try their smoothie recipe) and added a packet of Emergen-C. I can honestly say that it was incredibly tasty, and I would do it again! (also, I’m not sick! which, I wasn’t actually feeling sick, but still, I’m not sick and we can pretend that my magic smoothie is why!)

3.) No link here, sorry. While at Costco, over the weekend, stocking up on our seven trillion packets of Emergen-C, I stumbled upon Cauliflower crust pizza, in the freezer section. What really caught my eye was that the toppings were Roasted Vegetable. There used to be these delicious Lean Cuisine personal pizzas that were Roasted Vegetable and i LOVED them. (Think pre-economy tanking, back when Godiva also sold the most perfect ice cream ever, in the freezer section of all supermarkets. Man, those were the days… Can we spend a second in silence, remembering gas that was well under $2 a gallon?) Even though I love cauliflower, I’ve been a little slow to embrace it taking over the world, but the Roasted Vegetable appealed to me and so I brought it home.

This is the best pizza ever.

Seriously.

Is EVERY Cauliflower pizza like magic, in your mouth? Is it just this one? Honestly, I am a little panicky about the whole thing because things I love at Costco have a habit of being temporarily available, and then I never see them again.

4.) I pay a ridiculous amount of money to have a cell phone. Do you remember home phone days? When a phone bill would be around $25, and then long distance calls might bring it to a hundred dollars, on a really bad month… In those days I never would have imagined monthly phone bills of the cell phone variety. As I stated, I pay a ridiculous amount of money to have a cell phone in which I text people and they text me, and I occasionally play Disney emoji. And sometimes I think it is ridiculous that I have this phone, and then an afternoon comes along when one of my oldest, dearest and truest friends and I spend four hours talking. In those four hours, the distance between Michigan and the West Coast shrank a little, and my heart was full. (and now I’m set on actual phone conversations for a good, long while.)

5.) I don’t watch the Grammy’s, they are pretty much not my bag o’ fun. I am sure there isn’t a person around, however, who hasn’t heard about the amazing performance Kesha gave, of her song Praying. Already deeply moved by the song, her performance (as seen absolutely everywhere, all over the internet) moves me to tears. Every. Single. time.

As a survivor of sexual abuse, I identify with every ounce of it. Even with the conflicted feelings I have regarding the #metoo sensation of right now, I feel the message of this anthem (I am totally calling it an anthem!) is EXACTLY the one we need to embrace. Empowerment involves many, many things. It is a layered process of several facets, but being a victim and cloaking one’s self in pity is not among them.

I’m proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come
‘Cause I can make it on my own, oh
And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known
I’ll bring thunder, I’ll bring rain, oh
When I’m finished, they won’t even know your name

 

It is on a somber note that this week’s post is ending, and that’s ok. Sometimes somber can be beautiful too.

It’s Friday, I’m in love…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

 

I am a little surprised, looking back, that music doesn’t make this list more. I get that I’m picky, but I am constantly falling in love with new music, so it’s a little out of character. This season in my life, especially, has me seeking out new tracks to listen to. I’ve found myself slightly less interested in venturing out to a movie, and more inclined to lose myself (for an hour or two) in my headphones… Perhaps the dreary Michigan winter is responsible. Maybe the premise of many films disinterest me, these days. At any rate, I am sitting here typing away, with a parade of really great songs streaming in my ears. I keep an ever-changing playlist, and if you’d ever like to check it out, here’s the link. I have pretty great taste. (well, to me anyway.)

How has your week been?

I can honestly say the chuckle I had with the Michigan apocalypse jokes has faded a little, this week. Last week, I’m sure you knew we had a “meteor” which followed really bizarre lights. Earlier this week, our water turned the color of dehydrated urine. It wasn’t even gradual. It literally went from slightly cloudy water to the color of Yellow Drink. (that, of course, is an OITNB reference…) It was starting to feel downright plaguish.

The middle of my week was marked by a day spent at the University of Michigan hospital, with my mom. Alzheimer’s is no joke, and there are times (like Wednesday) when my head starts pounding so hard and I think that I could just go home, take a 12 hour-long hot shower, and then fall into bed until june. Draining… (shout out to my husband, who was a ROCKSTAR!)

I’ve intentionally stayed aware this week, trying not to disappear in sadness or an overwhelmed depression. I have laughed more at the frustrating things the puppy does. I have tried to be more tolerant of the grumpy, old lady things our 6-year-old Aussie does. I have tried to hold hands with my husband more, prepare more wholesome, intentional food at home (requesting fewer runs to Chipotle) and be deliberate in all things. I failed a lot, this week. I think I failed more than most months, but that’s ok. I’ll learn, right?

So many small things happened, and I’d think THIS! I want to add THIS to my list… But in reality, I wanted things in the list which I could pass on to you. Small life things aren’t those sorts of things…

But these things have been on my mind this week too…

1.) My word (well, you know what I mean) for the year is Let Go. I don’t know if I mentioned it here, but it was in my January newsletter. I  am not a regular journaller, by any stretch. This year though, with the goal of this mantra, I’ve decided to keep a LET GO JOURNAL. Every time I realize I need to let go of something, I write it in the journal. Sometimes this is followed by a quote, sometimes it’s followed by a verse from the Bible, or something prompting someone said, and sometimes it is simply “Let go of…..”  I LOVE this book. I am a little sad that I didn’t do it in the past, but that’s a silly thing to be sad about. I need to just let it go. :)

2.) For a few years now, I have marched into my doctor’s office every month to get a shot of B-12. I can’t tell you why, exactly. I know that I definitely felt better in the two weeks that would follow the shot, and then slowly it would fade. I don’t know the science of it, BUT I do know that I don’t really have time to do that. Sure, the actual visit is just a few minutes, but the drive, the wait and the fact that last time I had to stay for 50 minutes to dispute a charge that occurred because they billed the wrong code to my insurance. At any rate, on a whim I bought these. They taste so good, I really want to sit down with a jar of them and a good book, wasting an afternoon. Of course, I won’t. But they are decadent, as far as vitamins go.

3.) Chris and I are pretty much NEVER looking for new shows to watch. In comparison with the majority, we really don’t watch that much television. I don’t even think it is something either of us we really love doing, (unless it is blustery outside and there’s a cozy fireplace, and popcorn, but anyway…) but we both have  a good appreciation for things like downtime, checking out from time to time, clever entertainment, etc… And so, though we aren’t in the market for new shows, we do occasionally find them. (I shared about 9-1-1 a couple of weeks ago.) Anyway, the show The Resident came on our radar this week. Have you watched it? We really love Matt Czuchry and so we were eager to tune in. We both really liked it! (though I won’t lie… My LEAST favorite type of movie or show involves first responders and hospitals, so both of the shows I’ve mentioned recently are a big stretch for me. I like them a lot, but it’s like I have to psych myself out, and really brace myself for it. Geez, what is wrong with me???)

4.) On Wednesday, Chris and I left the hospital for a quick-lunch. We figured the downtown parking, second valet fee (hospital) and our lunch total would still be significantly less than what a hospital lunch would cost, AND be a lot better. We ended up trying this amazing little vegan place in the Kerrytown district of Ann Arbor, called the Lunch Room. It’s located in this marketplace that we both instantly fell in love with. (If we could find a sweet little flat, with character, near this market, I would finally feel like Michigan was someplace I’d be find living forever. Of course, this would also be because Ann Arbor is just like Boise, and Portland, and Seattle. It speaks my soul language and gets me, so yeah…) I know it isn’t super fair of me to post local links, since Ann Arbor isn’t really a possibility for the majority of my readers. That being said, it was such a fun little micro-adventure. We plan on going back when we have more than a couple of hours, to escape. (Plus it was Chw’s first dive into Vegan food and, if you missed the post on Instagram, I had nachos and he had macaroni and cheese. They were both amazing and he LOVED it!)

5.) My mom Julie (non-biological) passed away going on 12 years ago. Honestly, I can’t believe it has been 11 years. It feels like maybe, 4 or 5. Then I see photos of my sister Joy’s daughters, who were born the spring after Mom died, and the reality hits me. It is rare that something big, or hard, or sad happens when my first instinct isn’t still to call her. I remember in the first few years, a friend said that it would get easier. She’d lost her mother, and even though Julie wasn’t my birth mom, she was the only real mom I’d ever had, and she had “Mommed” me through every major life moment, until 2006. Now, over a decade later, I realize that the heart to reach out to her probably won’t change, and that’s ok. While I may not like the pain of losing and missing her, and I may cringe at the canyon left in our world because of the absence of Julie Peterson, I do love remembering her. I love the biggest parts of my journey, where she was there. I was so fortunate to know her, to love her and be loved by her. I was so incredibly blessed to be chosen by her, included by her. Her wings, as a mother, were vast and comforting…

This past fall, my friend Angela lost her father. This month she published a book about that journey, and I wanted to share it with you. We have all experienced shattering loss, to one degree or another, and it can be so hard to find any home or sunlight within those dark seasons.

 

I hope this last little big of January finds you each well and loving the small things, along with the bigger ones. Next week will be February and, hopefully, with February will come a little rodent’s guarantee that a beautiful spring is just around the corner!