journey – Page 71

just a reflection…

Published on December 17, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

As we wind down the last days of two-thousand and thirteen, I can’t seem to wrap my mind around the place my feet are planted now versus where they were this time last year.

We were coming to the close of what was, hands down, the most terrifying, taxing, grueling, stress-filled 16 months of our lives. They had started with me being diagnosed with pneumonia and nearly dying followed by the absolutely hardest journeys we’ve gone through with each one of our kids. {Truthfully the words personal hell don’t seem to touch how difficult that time frame was.} By the time we had reached the weekend before Christmas, of last year, it felt like my husband and I were barely dragging ourselves to the finish line. We knew that life had to give us a break, a change, or we were done…

We approached the new year the same way we do every year… With personal lists of hopes and goals. Among them, he wanted a new job. Between my medical bills, due to our horrible insurance, and other debt we had incurred throughout the horrible battles of 2012, we had pretty much supported ourselves on credit and that credit had reached a limit. It hadn’t been ideal, and at Chw’s job there had been no way at all that we ever would be able to climb out of that, BUT we had simply tried to survive.

We moved to Michigan in March. We found out about the opportunity about a month before hand. In the time since we’ve been here, we’ve paid a lot of our debt and every time we can file a PAID IN FULL statement, it’s nothing but gratitude I feel- like a miracle. But it isn’t just that…

My husband was stressed beyond belief. He had hypertension, constant bouts with chest pains, stress headaches and was (I believe) going to kill himself on stress within 5 years. He had aged himself drastically in the few years he had been at his position. He was not the man I knew, at all. Now, the man I love is back. He’s running and enjoying life, loves his new job and has a renewed appreciation for things.

And there’s me… This adjustment hasn’t been very easy on me. I love fiercely. I LOVE my sister and my friends and I miss them like CRAZY! Leaving them and living on what feels like the other side of the universe has been really hard! But, health wise, my migraines have gone down 90% due to medication and my lungs have healed drastically. When I began seeing my doctor this summer I was deaf in my right ear and my lungs were functioning at 28% after the pneumonia. I can hear perfectly and my lungs are at 90%. Those two things just weren’t being addressed or treated back in Idaho due to my lack of good insurance.

Comparing that day then, to this date today, I’m humbled and in awe. Either of us could be dead, our bodies simply giving out. Emotionally we were pretty close to it. Financially we were on the verge of only God knows what, but it was terrifyingly bad and the darkest place ever…

But we aren’t.

We’re here, safe… healthy. Warm, fed, happy and together.

So, I know today might be really hard for a lot of people out there. I know it might feel really isolating, or terrifying, or unsolvable… But it’s just today. We have no idea how incredibly our circumstances can change. At the very least, I hope this encourages someone out there.

26 gifts… with only a slight hiccup…

Published on December 16, 2013December 16, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay6 Comments

We woke up Saturday to frigid temps and snow. Chw & Gen had made plans to spend the day ice skating and braving the stores at our local mall, but since the plan had been to neither ice skate on or brave the roads on the way to the mall- that plan was tucked away for next weekend. We stayed local (but did tragically have to leave the warmth of our home) to mail a few packages and wrap up our Random Acts of Kindness project that we did in honor/memory of the 20 children and 6 heroes who lost their lives one year ago in the Sandy Hook tragedy.

I thought I’d share what we did. (* indicating where we stopped because of weather, and had to come home. We’ll finish these up, this week.) It was really fun, mostly. Gen seemed to hate the whole thing and was pretty all about her, which was really sad. {I’m sure it’s the age though. This isn’t something we’re going to give up.}

– donated to a local food drive.

– baked cookies for the Police department.

– baked cookies for the Fire department.

– baked cookies for our Librarians.

– gave a Starbucks card to a postal worker.

– gave a Starbucks card to a cashier.

– gave a large tip.

– gave a Starbucks card to a guy bringing in the carts in the storm, at a dept. store.

– took hot chocolate to a bell-ringer.

– prepared dinner for friends, on a night that was busy for them.

– put together a package for someone who needed their Christmas blessed.

– wrote a “thank you” note to someone who touched our lives and showed us kindness by example. (times 3.)

– gave a food box to a family in need for their holiday meal.

– donated unused coats and clothing to a local charity.

– baked treats for Gen to take to school and share with friends. (she didn’t know until she opened her lunch box.)

– helped out a local family in need.

– offered free babysitting to parents who need a date night.

– made and sent cards to a few people who needed their spirits lifted.

– flowers to the local nursing home.*

– Cupcakes to the teachers at Gen’s school.*

– tape change to hospital vending machine*

– tape change to dr’s office machine*–

– leave change at laundry matt.*

Snowy day run aways…

Published on December 13, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay6 Comments

While everyone is busy posting Christmas cookie secrets and holiday party scandals I’m busy thinking about packing my suitcase and running away alone for a retreat.

A personal writing retreat is something I’ve toyed with over the past couple of years but opportunity and finances didn’t really leave a lot of opening for such dreams. Coming up in a few weeks, however, there may be the possibility to make such magic happen and I’m thinking I should jump for my chance.

Is it ideal? Maybe not.

I’d much rather there be spring blossomed trees to breathe in, soft grassy paths to clear my head on or Fiery red leaves absorb inspiration from.

I have the opportunity though, and goodness knows I need the change of scenery as I have a LOT of work to do. Something about this room isn’t making that any easier and maybe a change of scenery is just what I need… I’ve been exploring possibilities close enough to home to make it worthwhile, and most of what I’ve found does not fit the bill. Interestingly enough I’ve found a lot of suggestions for various spiritual retreats, which is an interesting idea as well. {Not for this time out though, but one day.}

So, my friday question for you is, have you ever done anything like that? Ever taken a retreat for yourself? Maybe a photography journey? {I’ve done day long photography journeys, though obviously not with the two of my iPhone photos before!} Maybe a weekend, with a good friend just to relax or de-stress? I’d love to hear your stories, advice or tips…

The haunting of Barbie…

Published on December 11, 2013December 10, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay3 Comments

Picture it, it is Christmas time in the mid 80’s. Barbie loving, girlhood me is unwrapping gifts at my grandmother’s house on Christmas Eve with my entire extended family, because that’s what we did following our traditional tamales dinner.

I was, at the time, being raised an only child. I lived with my mom and, for argument’s sake, my “step-dad”. Every Saturday, at noon, I went to my grandmother’s house, where I stayed until every Sunday afternoon at 3. This is just the way it was. At my grandmother’s house I had my own toys which were to stay there, my own clothes, which were to stay there. Nothing from place A, was to go to place B, and vice-versa. It was all very joint custody and detached, looking back, but when I was a kid it’s what I knew- it’s just kind of how things were… The one exception being Christmas. On Christmas Eve (though usually there was a lot of complaining, by my mom, about the whole ordeal) we were together as a family at my Grandmothers. My aunt and uncles were there, my cousins were there. It was a really lovely, perfect time. {At least my childhood, rose-colored glasses remember it that way.}

I have significantly veered off course… Sorry about that.

Anyway, this one particular Christmas I opened this amazingly versatile little gem of a Barbie from my grandmother:

Let’s just say, my mom was not happy.

Apparently she had purchased the same exact Barbie for me, and it was waiting for me at our house, to be opened on Christmas morning because that’s how we still showed our stubbornness, by not fully integrating into the family Christmas held two blocks from our house… Certain that my opening this Day to Night Barbie would ruin everything about our Christmas morning (which she was still very angry about on that Christmas morning, mind you,) Peace was finally achieved when my grandmother apologized for purchasing the doll for me, and took it away.

{side note: I’m sure most people in the room, except me because I was a kid, were thinking “what difference does it make if it would have to stay here anyway, and the other doll would have to stay at your house?” but no one dared utter those words…}

I forgot all about that Barbie. There were other gifts, and maybe I even thought the one I got the next morning was that same one. I don’t know, I was a kid… At any rate, fast forward this story about 20 years…

Our first Christmas with Genny. She was four. We’d had her for just a couple of months and family members were still adjusting to the idea of us having a little girl at all. My grandmother, being of the Great Depression era, wasn’t one to get rid of things. (you absolutely see where this story is going…) So, when a package arrived from New Mexico, bearing a neatly wrapped gift for Gen, we nestled it under the Christmas tree…

For two weeks it sat there, in all of its nativity adorned mystery. On Christmas eve we carried on the tamales dinner tradition and Genny rushed to open the gift from Great Gramma first…

One thing about my sweet girl, she’s never been a paper ripper. She’ opens gifts meticulously, as if there very act of opening them is one she’s grateful for. So, as she’s meticulously opening it I realize, wait a minute… that paper is really, really, really old. Like, from my childhood old. Then, just as I see the pink corner of the box, my hand flies to my mouth.

“It’s a Barbie.” I whispered to Chw. I’m not sure whether to laugh, or to cry. This is this sweet child’s very first Christmas gift in our family and I know in that instant that this Barbie is about to either scare the daylights out of this poor child and ruin our first Christmas, or be a box of foul-smelling dust.

Time has never passed so slowly…

Everything about the gift, from the old school box, to the smell, to the look was not impressive to my four-year old. She was easily let down, but gracious. We tried to put a positive spin on it, but there was no impressing her the way her other gifts did. (thankfully redeeming Christmas to the point that she doesn’t even remember what we lovingly refer to as Zombie Barbie as half of her clothes had rotted away and her briefcase had turned a toxic shade of orange.)

Jimmy Fallon had a hashtag going on twitter about the #worstgiftever, which got us to talking about how, amidst all of our bad gift stories- poor Genny’s first Christmas gift of the Zombie office Barbie really was the worst gift a four-year old girl could ever receive…

{In all fairness, I did ask my grandma about it. She had wrapped it back up the next morning to save for my daughter, someday… Which was beautifully sweet, I thought. Incredibly flawed and not at all the best idea, but very, very sweet…}

The implosion of life vs. land mines…

Published on December 10, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay7 Comments

When did my life become so much mine?

I realize that is going to sound like a ridiculous question to some of you, but a few of you will absolutely get it. I spent much of yesterday doing prep work for our 26 acts of kindness and one of the things I’m doing is baking. I loathe to bake. I have a wonderful kitchen, beautiful baking supplies and time to do it. Less than ten years ago I never loathed it, in fact I think there was a time I loved it. I loved to keep the jar full of baked cookies for my family, and I loved to bake breads as well as desserts and things for others. I became a pretty great cheesecake baker, (the one thing I allow myself to brag about) and then somewhere along the way I just suddenly admitted or decided (I’m not really sure which it is, honestly) that I hated baking…

And now, now I rarely do it.

In fact, if it’s not something I love to do, I rarely do it. Even if it is something I enjoy doing, if I’m not in the mood to do it, I don’t. I love to cook and try new things but for the last few months 99% of our meals are rehashed (easy) recipes that are tried and true. I tell myself there is nothing wrong with that because my family loves them, but that’s not entirely true. There is something wrong with it because it’s lazy.

I feel exhausted all of the time, and so my excuse for everything is “I don’t feel like it.” I plan on baking, or trying a new recipe, or making a project, or rehashing that chapter in the novel- but then I don’t feel like it, so I don’t. The end. And suddenly months, and months and months have passed, I’m still in this uninspired, unproductive funk and see a string of opportunities missed. And it isn’t just baking, its photos taken (something I used to take thousands upon thousands of) or new things tried (something I never do anymore.)

Partly I blame 2012. If you were around here, or in our lives then, you know that was the year that really zapped a lot of life and goodness out of our family. I know I’ve struggled with depression, as a result of that year and the extreme stress/traumas of it. I’ve done counseling, tried medication and am left with realizing I need to pull myself out of my pit. {I’m not discrediting ALL depression as being “that simple”. I’m saying mine is.} I know where I am, I know where I need to be. How to get from here to there though, feels as overwhelming as hell… So I don’t try, because I don’t know how. Months and months and months pass.

I don’t know everything. I’m not an expert at much of anything, but I know that in this very moment I can go downstairs and put on some music. I can tie an apron around my waist and I can make some cookies. Do I want to? No. Maybe the problem all along has been that I’ve grown to accustomed to focussing on what I want or feel like anyway. When I put a ring on my finger and became someones mother, it wasn’t about me anymore.