The implosion of life vs. land mines…

When did my life become so much mine?

I realize that is going to sound like a ridiculous question to some of you, but a few of you will absolutely get it. I spent much of yesterday doing prep work for our 26 acts of kindness and one of the things I’m doing is baking. I loathe to bake. I have a wonderful kitchen, beautiful baking supplies and time to do it. Less than ten years ago I never loathed it, in fact I think there was a time I loved it. I loved to keep the jar full of baked cookies for my family, and I loved to bake breads as well as desserts and things for others. I became a pretty great cheesecake baker, (the one thing I allow myself to brag about) and then somewhere along the way I just suddenly admitted or decided (I’m not really sure which it is, honestly) that I hated baking…

And now, now I rarely do it.

In fact, if it’s not something I love to do, I rarely do it. Even if it is something I enjoy doing, if I’m not in the mood to do it, I don’t. I love to cook and try new things but for the last few months 99% of our meals are rehashed (easy) recipes that are tried and true. I tell myself there is nothing wrong with that because my family loves them, but that’s not entirely true. There is something wrong with it because it’s lazy.

I feel exhausted all of the time, and so my excuse for everything is “I don’t feel like it.” I plan on baking, or trying a new recipe, or making a project, or rehashing that chapter in the novel- but then I don’t feel like it, so I don’t. The end. And suddenly months, and months and months have passed, I’m still in this uninspired, unproductive funk and see a string of opportunities missed. And it isn’t just baking, its photos taken (something I used to take thousands upon thousands of) or new things tried (something I never do anymore.)

Partly I blame 2012. If you were around here, or in our lives then, you know that was the year that really zapped a lot of life and goodness out of our family. I know I’ve struggled with depression, as a result of that year and the extreme stress/traumas of it. I’ve done counseling, tried medication and am left with realizing I need to pull myself out of my pit. {I’m not discrediting ALL depression as being “that simple”. I’m saying mine is.} I know where I am, I know where I need to be. How to get from here to there though, feels as overwhelming as hell… So I don’t try, because I don’t know how. Months and months and months pass.

I don’t know everything. I’m not an expert at much of anything, but I know that in this very moment I can go downstairs and put on some music. I can tie an apron around my waist and I can make some cookies. Do I want to? No. Maybe the problem all along has been that I’ve grown to accustomed to focussing on what I want or feel like anyway. When I put a ring on my finger and became someones mother, it wasn’t about me anymore.

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7 thoughts on “The implosion of life vs. land mines…

  1. I can relate! ‘I don’t feel like it’ until 2pm until I feel like it, but then it’s time to pick up the girls from school — if that makes any sense :) I especially do this with working out, cleaning, baking … ok, I do this with just about everything!

    But this happens to the best of us, especially this time of year. I combat it with creating a tight schedule. I used to love scheduling my time as a teenager, you know, 8:15 – 8:30 SHOWER 8:30 – 8:45 GET DRESSED, MAKEUP, HAIR … and so on. I adapted that into my adult life when the girls were born and the days were so long. And now I adapt it into my adult with kids at school life.

    Another things I do is 3 Things. I just list three things, totally simple and do them.

    1) Take 10 photos
    2) Find one new cookie recipe
    3) Ten minutes of deep breathing

    Now, I could do a hundred other things or nothing else, but I get those three things done for sure, and I have a sense of accomplishment for the day.

    1. I did that, when things got overwhelming in ’12… It was great until work and court stuff made 3 things become 7, and then 12… And then I lost it… Time for a change though. Good advice, thanks for the reminder!

  2. I totally get this. I often don’t feel like doing the things I used to love doing, the things I NEED to do or am totally capable of doing. Lacking inspiration is my issue. Best of luck with your baking….I have a feeling you are going to get some done soon. XO

  3. Processing this post. I like it. I feel it and have felt it before. I think I would be an awful self employee or homeschooler. I’m too easily swayed to just not.

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