Category: gifts

Not too old to die, but SO hard to beat…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

www.rainydayinmay.comMy BFF had to put her sweet dog Duke down this week. It was something they were aware wasn’t likely too far off, but anyone who has been there knows that no matter how “prepared” you technically are- you are never ready and there is never a best time… Not really.

I have knelt across from those huge eyes, pained and ready, three times. I have held the tears behind a dam of self-control until that sweet soul took their last breath. I have heard it said that crying is cathartic and there have been so many times in my life when, amidst sobs and a salted downpour upon my cheeks, I have felt this to be true- when I’ve had to say goodbye this way however, it has felt gut wrenchingly far from catharsis.

We were living in upstate New York when my husband decided to make my dreams come true, and get a puppy. We responded to a newspaper ad (because I’m dating not only this post, but us) for a yellow lab. We drove out into the rolling hilled farm land and turned down a long dirt driveway. (In case anyone is unclear about a timeline, we did use mapquest to get there… Which we had to print, on paper. We felt super high tech and advanced. Also, we did have cell phones. They were PHONES. You used them to talk.) My husband was a self proclaimed cat lover and so the willingness for a dog was a huge sacrifice that did not go unnoticed. The very second that pudgy ball of yellow fur came rolling down the hill, so anxious to greet us, he internally shredded his Cat Lover club card and switched over to the canine party. His heart was stolen but that little ball of sleepy love!

We named her Makaila, and honestly I have no idea why. There were no name contenders, on that long drive, but the second we held her it just came out- Makaila. Makaila was that puppy from the little golden book- she slept all of the time. She slept everywhere. We have dozens and dozens of photos (on film) of her asleep in the oddest places. Makaila came to us a little tummy sick, which turned out to be a theme of sensitive stomach problems, as she grew. Also, when I say she “grew”, I mean she weighed 82 pounds the day she turned 1, and was a whopping 120 pounds the day we put her down. For nine beautiful years that beautiful girl taught us so much about love and loyalty. She made us laugh harder than anything had. She walked us down the aisle of becoming parents and fell head over heels in love with absolutely any human being who breathed within a 25 foot radius of where she stood. (also, if you were say, 27 feet away, she’d love you too. 50 ft… 100 miles. She didn’t care. Makaila’s earthly mission was to love all of the people.)

She was just under a year old when we learned that not only did Makaila have no yellow lab in her, (we were so confused about her fur, her looks, her sensitive digestive system. It just made no sense) but our vet was certain she was a Golden Retriever. One hundred percent of everything indicated this breed. Well, almost everything- she was gigantic. (one could speculate horse for a father? Cow? Buffalo? I digress…) Through a series of other, vet led, revelations we came to assume she’d been the product of a puppy mill.

We always made the best choices we could for her. Because she was our first “baby”, we were very thorough and intentional about her grooming, bathing, diet, etc. Even as our family grew and changed, when ever I daydreamed about things like grey hair, retirement and luxurious family vacations, Makaila was there beside us.

In June of 2011 we threw Makaila a big birthday bash. (Yep, we are those people!) We made a wide array of pupcakes, decorated the back yard, made and bought a bunch of kids and canine outdoor games. It was to be a time! The day before the bash, Chw and I ran to the pet store to pick up a few supplies for the dog-goodie bags. While there we ran into a Blue Buffalo dog food distributer. We’d been hearing a lot about this brand and so, (me being who I am) I decided to chat with the guy for awhile. It was a great and informative conversation up until the point when he asked 2 seemingly innocent questions:

1.) What breed is your dog? (Golden Retriever. We left out that she was likely the bastard child of a rogue, 2 ton farm animal)

2.) How big is she? (The odd tone and hesitation in his second question made me wonder if perhaps he already knew this about her bio-dad)

It was with the delivery of our second answer that his face fell for a brief moment before he shook it slightly and regained composure. I wouldn’t let it go though, (remember- me being me and all) and he finally said that he was really surprised she was turning 9. He couldn’t believe she’d made it to 8. Spraying us with far too many details about Golden Retriever trivia, he sort of devastated our party moods.

The next day, at her soiree, Makaila had the time of her life. She devoured her (sensitive stomach friendly) “smash” cake. She played and played and played. She was so happy and so tired, her only real complaint being that we’d invited other dogs when no one had wanted them there, it was a party for humans- no dogs allowed. Despite all of her fun and her doggy smiles and youthful energy, all we could think about was the ticking time of her life. While friends smiled at her silly cake consuming antics, my eyes filled with tears. This could be the last time I see her devour a cake. (it was the first) When she opened a present, I cried- she probably wouldn’t even make it to Christmas…

In August Makaila seemed like she couldn’t pee. It was fast. We took her in and our vet proceeded to run tests and confirm that she had cancer. There was a tumor blocking her bladder. Surgery would prolong her life by a few months, but she didn’t recommend it. (I will use this little parenthesis corner of the web to also point out that the vet almost scoffed when she confirmed our sweet girl had cancer, then stating “It’s not a shock since she’s a Golden. Golden Retrievers ARE cancer factories.” Wait- what?!?!?)

We took her home, eerily reflecting back on the two months spanning her birthday and this day. We gave her one last gift, a week filled with DQ ice cream cones, (Gross) Moist and Meaty dog food, car rides and all of the things she loved so much. There was no question- she said goodbye to this world a very happy girl who knew beyond a doubt she was so loved! Her ashes were scattered at a Christmas tree farm, where families frequent every holiday season, to play, choose a tree and make holiday memories. There are no words to explain how much she would have LOVED this…

I became a mom with Makaila by my side. I wrote my first novel with her laying at my feet. I endured the tragic loss of my grandmother with her there, head lovingly in my lap. The chapter of Makaila housed so many precious life bits.

And that seems to be how it is… We’ve lived a Paisley Chapter, A Knightley Chapter and currently exist within the Chapters of Elenor and Emma. With my broken sense of time keeping, these are the ways I remember my adulthood moments- my canine chapter. In one quick second I can feel overwhelmed with so much love for that chapter’s sweet soul and then remember the deep, deep cut of their loss. (Shoeboxes hold our heart, you should read about them)

Living two thousand miles away from my BFF (and “home”) it naturally feels like way too much time passes, between visits. Like way too many things change while I’m away… It is slowly beginning to sink in though, that this Duke Chapter is complete. The page has been turned and with it, all of the years of loving him become something shelved within the past. With one last peaceful sleep, the world shifts and everything changes. One day, for my bestie and her family, things will feel ok- but things will never be right again. Not the way they were anyway…

My next visit to their home will not have his sweet little feet welcoming my arrival, his adorable little AC/DC shirt always melting my heart a bit. From my position, over here and totally out of the picture, I still find myself so broken for her loss, for their loss.  I am sure that Paisley and Knightley were more than happy to welcome Duke over that rainbow bridge. Knightley and Duke had never met, but dogs are pack dwellers and those two are absolutely in the same pack. it’s been a few days and they are absolutely bro’s now! (This makes me super happy and then so sad for all of us left here without them.) (I am also sure Makaila did not show up as a part of the welcoming committee. Our sweet girl is very is confident in herself and likely stays content in the neighborhood of human heaven, with her people.)

It is all so sad, and so hard to face. We love them so deeply and then they leave us after hardly any time, and we remain behind shattered and so alone without them…

Dukey, you were such a sweet boy. See you later, alligator <3

“Broke another promise and I broke another heart. But I ain’t too young to realize that I ain’t too old to try. Try to get back to the start and it’s another red light nightmare. Another red light street. And I ain’t too old to hurry. Cause I ain’t too old to die, but I sure am hard to beat.”

~ Ride On by AC/DC

Obstacle vs. Victory…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Statistically speaking, it was seven miscarried pregnancies, a tiny sneak peek of uterine cancer and a medical procedure to eliminate any chances for the same sort of bad, (or much, much worse) to occur…

Humanly speaking, I was a shattered twenty-four year old woman having an emergency hysterectomy after my heart had been ripped from my soul and trampled on seven different hellish times. My body was worn, my womb twisted, scarred and reaching it’s expiration date…

The two perspectives belong to the very same story, but they each tell an entirely different tale.

In the midst of the story is infidelity, adultery, deceit, abuse and so much more. The bad moments, the broken and bloody miscarriage moments last a lifetime- there, shattered and bleeding on that lime green tile floor. By my now ripe age of forty-two I have lived at least a dozen lifetimes, it feels…

And yet.

This humanly statistical story of life and luck-gone-nightmarishly-wrong did not end with the loss of life, loss of womanhood. It continued and holds, within it’s oxygen bound chapters, reconciliation, redemption, reconnection, three lovely little childhood souls without a mother and this aching mother’s heart without children to love. Mine is not a statistical story about loss, but gain. It is not about hopeless longing, though it did contain that then. Instead it is a story of a miraculous weaving, of a family that grows despite the odds. Imperfect and yet perfectly real.

This is my story. We all have them.

We have all had hardships which stood between us and something bigger, something looming impossible. We’ve all known our greatest obstacle- and our stories did not end there.

Rocky is a timeless tale still loved and embraced decades after its creation. This is because Rocky’s story resonates with us. After all, isn’t that why art exists, to connect us with our inner-self, our God, the world around us and each other? Art opens and exposes us…

And just like our own stories, art never ends.

I am really excited to share with you about Creed 2… (like, REALLY excited!)

www.rainydayinmay.com

PRIDE. LEGACY. FAMILY.

This fall, there is more to lose than a title.

In Theaters Wednesday, November 21st

Official Synopsis:  Life has become a balancing act for Adonis Creed. Between personal obligations and training for his next big fight, he is up against the challenge of his life. Facing an opponent with ties to his family’s past only intensifies his impending battle in the ring. Rocky Balboa is there by his side through it all and, together, Rocky and Adonis will confront their shared legacy, question what’s worth fighting for, and discover that nothing’s more important than family. Creed II is about going back to basics to rediscover what made you a champion in the first place, and remembering that, no matter where you go, you can’t escape your history.

Release Date: November 21, 2018

Director: Steven Caple Jr.

Cast: Michael B. Jordan, Sylvester Stallone, Tessa Thompson, Wood Harris, Russell Hornsby, Florian “Big Nasty” Munteanu, Andre Ward, Phylicia Rashad, Dolph Lundgren

Writer: Sylvester Stallone

Distributor:  MGM, Warner Bros. Pictures

#CreedII

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The Wednesday Podge…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay7 Comments
Hello and happy Wednesday to you!
I wasn’t sure if I’d be doing the Hodge link up this week, to be honest. I’m “nursing” a bit of a mysterious back injury and coming down off of a spring cold, which my husband generously shared…
One would think that a writer, suddenly forced to stay as “down” as possible would suddenly have so much time to work, but this is the first time I’ve been at my laptop since Saturday, and I think I was probably paying a bill then, not writing… The moral of this week’s story is that I am nauseated from the pain most of the time, and pretty miserable. There hasn’t been any reading, any writing. It’s a little sad.
If you’re new to this and you’re wondering what in this world this Hodgepodge thing is all about, every Tuesday six questions are posted over at From This Side of the Pond, and on Wednesday those of us participating answer them, link up and then visit one another. I’ve “met” some very lovely writers like this, and it is fun to participate when I can!

From this Side of the Pond

1. What happens to the mail at your house? I ADORE handwritten cards and letters, and still have a few friends who share the affection. Those gems are treasured, by me. The majority of our mail is garbage, and since we live in an area without recycling- (I know the controversy around it all, anyway) the junk just gets tossed.

2. Something you always splurge on? Any guilt associated with the splurge? Oh! This is a great question… Hmmm. I always have money on my Starbucks app, even though I don’t particularly like their coffee. Sometimes I spend a good chunk of time, in a day, out and their refreshers and teas are a nice treat. With the app I earn points towards free drinks… No guilt associated with the splurge as much as just habit. I also spend money on skin care and make up. Actually, even more than these things are blowouts. IF I HAD MY WAY, I would get one a week. They are HEAVENLY, but I tend to get them when I can. It is a splurge indeed, but it also makes my life easier. I do feel guilty, sometimes, because it seems indulgent.

3. There are many, but what are two important questions you think every bride and groom should ask/answer before they plan their walk down the aisle? One- “You know yourself better than anyone else, should a day arise when you suddenly seem to believe you never loved me and you want out of our marriage, what do you want me to say to you to anchor you in and bring you back down to reality?” Two- “What are off limit or uncomfortable topics for you?” Because partners NEED to be able to talk about everything…

4. What’s the best advice your father ever gave you? My foster dad probably gave me a lot of great advice and wisdom but there isn’t one particular thing that stands out.

5. Your favorite movie where a father features heavily in the storyline? I really love the movie Frequency. it has been a long time since I’ve seen it though, so while I remember a father weight, I’d have to say that my absolute favorite movie that features heavy fatherhood themes would be Elizabethtown.Being a girl who was raised without a father, and with a super abusive/unhealthy father figure until I was 12 and went into foster care, it’s not a subject I really relate to. This is probably pretty evident in these choices… (I also really love A Love Song for Bobby Long which is a pretty obscure father film, but it stands out for me.)

6. Insert your own random thought here. This weekend, on Father’s Day, my beautiful grand-daughter will turn 2. My mother just turned 71 last week, and on Monday my little sister turned 39. My older daughter turned 28 a few days ago. While none of these are the typical milestone ages, I find myself feeling really overwhelmed with these numbers. Perhaps it is that I am away from that sweet baby girl, my daughter and also my sister. Maybe, even though I can see my mother any time I want, Alzheimer’s has kind of taken her away too. Maybe these life celebrations just feel increasingly heavier as the distance between us feels overwhelmingly permanent. Thankfully my daughter will be here this weekend and I get the chance to love on her with a bit of a belated birthday love…

Return…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay16 Comments

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Good Friday morning!

I am once again joining up with Kate and the Five Minute Friday crew. In case you’re new, the way it works is that we get a word, set a time for five minutes and see what happens…

So, here we go!

~

So many people feel that being a writer is another form of being a dreamer…

That it isn’t a real job. As a writer I have come to the conclusion that maybe they are right. My neighbor Leo cannot walk in to a hospital and just be a surgeon. My friend Bree cannot walk into a tax center and simply be a CPA. Those are jobs that they would train for and educate in, to become certified. Let’s consider a painter… They paint because they love it, it is something that courses richly through their veins and they know that they are their best selves when they are doing this thing they feel they were created to do. That is the heart, the soul and sometimes the curse of being an artist. It isn’t a career, it is a lifeblood all its own. There are jobs in the writing field, but being a writer in and of itself is not a job.

I’ve been soul-searching a lot lately, about writing… About career paths merging with dreams and where I am to be found in the midst of such things. Whenever stress and inner turmoil bubble forth, my anxiety will pulse inside and often that familiar sense of panic swells to the surface. It is all rather timely since my mantra for this year is Let Go. (coincidence? Doubtful)

Let go, Misty, of the scarcity mentality. Let go of the fears and the questions, and insecurities about your path/purpose.
 
For me, being a writer is not at all like being a dreamer, but my writing does involve dreaming bold. And sometimes i search frantically for something to ease the rising inner tension before my soul spills all over the place, and this moment is when the clarity of it reveals itself.

I don’t have to do it all at once. I can’t. I shouldn’t. I don’t have to know how this tale unfolds, I just have to live it with each click/clack of the keys, because that is when I know I am my best. When it comes time for a break, a breather, a boundaried-space for a step back and fresh start, I simply slide my right pinky over and click it-

Return.

~

Are you joining the Collective book club? You SHOULD! Check it out!

What Spring has brought with her…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

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When I signed up to Let Go, this year, I really had no idea of the things that would be asked of me.

I would say that, while this is probably a truth that has applied to all of my WOtY’s, this year has all at once stung incredibly and also been so restorative. Now, it is June. We are at a half way point and I find myself reflecting on this journey. Here in Michigan we’ve had about eleven seconds of true spring, following the twenty years of winter… (While you may be learning that I can sometimes exaggerate, this is something I’ve known for a good, long while.)

Spring is nearly out the door, making way for Summer, and I am reflecting along with my favorite Emily, about what Spring has shown me…

The vision/dream my heart has held for so eternally long really can be mine… I’ve read all of the little memes about believing in yourself, I’ve read the books and seen the lectures. But then, at some point this Spring I finally followed through with a project that was two years, (and let’s be honest, a lifetime) in the making and opportunities/possibilities just spilled forth. It took those things happening to make me realize this vision wasn’t a fantasy, it was a grand design. It may look differently than the ways I’ve dreamed, but that just means it will be better and more suited to my truth.

The internet has made me a terrible book reader… Goodness, have I ever written more truer words? It is terrible! I’m trying to change it, honest! I have sat the book I’m attempting to read, on my table every day this week. I naively tell myself that will remind me. I pencil READ onto my to-do list. Instead I spend all of the moments I have on the computer. Yes, it is work, and necessary, but where are the boundaries? Where is the balance? (And why does the internet have so much access to so many great things? (And do I really need to have/learn/do all of the great things right now? NO. And yet…))

People that are loved and trusted can tear us down in their climb up to finding their own worth. Not all of them, but the love and trust doesn’t make them exempt… this is probably the most sad part about my let go journey. Relational losses are always difficult and at first I wasn’t sure it would be a full-fledged loss. I could not imagine it and certainly did not want it. I’d been too close to the situation to see the very toxic negativity that was continually being directed at me. I sat back and trusted the journey that God had me on and daily there was negative opposition that tore me down a little more.Others saw it, my breaking and the reasons, but I couldn’t. Afterword, the shock of the loss seemed incomprehensible, but the sudden weightlessness of the journey felt so free. This is what they call bittersweet, I suppose. I harbor no resentments, as I said very early that whoever is supposed to be here, will be & likewise, whoever is not will not be. There is peace in seeing that I truly did surrender myself to trusting that and in the lesson learned valuable things.

I don’t love rewatching movies as much as I used to… Oh, I really used to. There are a handful of movies that I have watched hundreds and hundreds of times. Now, in this season, I am seeing that I’m growing more selective about watching much, and the concept of rewatching sounds beyond underwhelming.

Stress really does hurt… I have been watching my husband’s stress levels rise to such levels that not only is he no longer able to do that thing which he loves the most (run), but his body is broken down to such a point that he is constantly ill. This man has literally gone years without so much as a sniffle. It is all so sad to see.

Sometimes it takes another person’s difficult season to put our own into perspective… This year I have walked along several people who are in absolutely shattered seasons of their life. I ache so terribly for them, and find myself with wider eyes, freer thoughts and a much heartier gratitude list than ever before.

I really find gratification in an empty DVR… {also- that I don’t need a DVR} I enjoy escaping with a show and snuggle down with the husband as much as anyone. I don’t feel tv is the devil, and I’ve never been anywhere near a slave to my DVR. Even so, I’m feeling much the same way about tv as I am movies…

Tulips are toxic for dogs… I learned this because my passionate love of fresh flowers and my sweet little (almost 1-year-old) Golden Elenor believed they were meant to be her snack… So she ate tulips. And it was intense, and stress filled, and most importantly- she is ok. Thus concludes the story of how this flower loving girl will never have tulips around, again.

So many people are ready to burst, needing to share their journey with someone and continually finding no one who cares… Every single day this lesson grows bigger.

Motherhood is quite possibly the kryptonite, to my life... More than anything, as a girl, I wanted a mother to mother me. More than anything, as I was older, I manually moved whatever mountains I had to, to become one. Miscarriages, surgeries, medication, procedures, foster care, failed adoptions and finally, being a mom… But that motherhood journey, for me, never had a solitary moment of peace. It was one painful struggle after another. I’ve spent an adulthood waiting for it to be that thing I’ve always believe Motherhood would be.

I have never thought I would be the rehome my dog type… And yet, this has become a daily discussion. We have a dog that grows more and more special needs, by the day. With a chronic illness, traveling (for work) husband and limited financial resources- we are at a loss. Many (MANY) nights she keeps us up with her manic behavior, which now consistently all day as well, and it is just growing worse. I am sad, so so sad to even consider. (And so overwhelmed as to how.)

I am tired… which could be the culmination of all the things, and the real blame for why I’m not reading. Truth is, I’m too tired to figure any of that out! Ha!