Category: friendship

For H…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

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I’m going to post a little bit about my roommate, and there’s a pretty good reason…

I share an apartment, as platonically as humanly possible, with my high school best friend Will. I’ve mentioned before that I lived in a group home, as a teen. Will was there with me, consistently, for what felt like a life time. Because of that, the duress of our situation and similar abandonment issues as children, we developed a fairly strong connection. We were never involved beyond  this deep way.

Awhile back Will came to me, via the world wide web, with a confession about the negative direction his life had turned. I was in an ultra crappy place in my own life, and though desperately wanting to sustain my marriage, knew I had to help him. This guy was the epitome of my “roots”. I warned him as he came, broken, into my home that I wasn’t sure how long my marriage would be standing…

Will has an ex-girlfriend that I have a bit of a negative history with… And she’s apparently started reading my blog. She’s even used parts of it as ammunition towards him. I’m going to take a minute to talk to her…

H,

There was a time, several years back, when I genuinely wanted to be your friend. You couldn’t see past your jealousy to recognize that I was devoted to my husband and as much as I valued Will as my lifelong friend, I had fully expected to value you the same. I tried explaining that to you, then. I even attempted, again several months later, to look past the horrible way you had treated me because I truly valued the both of you. I BELIEVE in relationships. I value them. While he may have given you many reasons not to trust him, I could have given you a hundred references to affirm to you that I would never tear your relationship apart or hurt you.

Though it’s hard to imagine right now, Chw and I had a great marriage. Circumstances have a way of changing things. At that time we often helped couples save their marriages and turn from divorce. I was proud of that. Our marriage had survived a lot. I’d go so far as to say, if you could have gotten over your resentment and jealousy enough to connect with us- your relationship with Will might even be different today. Not just because of us, but because of you.

Again, I could have a hundred different people affirm this to you, but your ex did not destroy my marriage. He had no part in it, whatsoever. He stood by, in the sidelines, while my marriage silently fell apart. He was a great friend to me when I really needed someone, and he became a friend to my husband. My daughters, who are 16 & 25, adore him. None of those things would be the case if he had been the reason for such things.

We are NOT together, in that way, now either. I am not, was not, nor will I ever be a cheating whore. While I’m not sure what will happen with my marriage, I do know that even if we divorce, I will never be with someone else. Not even Will. I have no desire to be with anyone but my husband.

H, I understand so well how hard it is to spend your life (the best years of your life) with someone, only for them to walk away. I understand how unhealthy cycles, patterns and cheating can all affect your views on everything. I truly wish you’d had a little faith and taken a chance to be my friend, then, instead of just hating me. Even if the two of you still hadn’t worked out, this whole situation would look completely different now. We are made, by God, with a need for community. We NEED friendships… I can honestly say that I am a really great friend, and you really missed out because i would have been a KICK ASS friend to you. Will is a great guy who is working so hard at becoming a better one. Sure, I might get frustrated with him but I won’t ever tear him apart because of that. I’m sure you are an equally great person, but unfortunately you’ve never let me see that side of you.

Ironically, even after he was in Michigan, Will was trying to convince me to reach out to you. He knew you loved him and cared about his recovery and growth and he was convinced that you would be happy that I was helping him. He also believed you really needed a good friend who would really love you for you. Obviously, he was wrong, BUT I tell you this so you know and understand the kind of faith he had in you. I don’t care if you read my blog, or stalk my Instagram feed or talk crap about the cheating whore you believe I am. Do you know what you deserve? You DESERVE a life filled with peace, confidence and love. One where you feel value, and worth because you have both. These things will never come if you continue to be so focussed on negativity. It’s a hard pattern to break, but dear girl, YOU are worth it, for you. One day your kids will have major accomplishments, children of their own or something else that will cause you both to be there supporting and loving them. Maybe your journey TOGETHER isn’t meant to be right now, but you still owe it to yourself to support him and build an amicable relationship  for the sake of not only your children but for yourself. To know you rose above and did that… I’m super hurt by my husband right now, but I would never tear him down to my children. I won’t even tear him down to him. Or Will, for that matter. Will knows that I believe Chw is a really great guy. When we love someone and share a portion of our lives with them, we need to try and see the best in them always, otherwise it will eat at us and tear us apart. We need to learn from our mistakes and try better… You have 4 reasons to try really hard to rise above, but the most important one is you. Don’t waste your life on resentment and bitterness, you deserve a much more beautiful life than that.

Again, I wish we could have been friends because I would have made sure to remind you of your worth and value every time you doubted it.

<3.

M

UFC…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

photo-1450849608880-6f787542c88aIf relationships had a UFC competition, I would win every time. The premise could make for a great reality show, except for the fact that after the first couple of episodes viewers would stop tuning in… why? Because I’d lose too and the same thing would happen every single week.

This is going to come across so much more pity party than it is. The fact is, I’ve had so much alone time lately to process through things, and this is all what I’ve realized as it continues to unfold in my actual life: I fight for the people I love. I pour love and effort into those relationships. I am easy to toss away. Roll credits…

My mom was quite possibly one of THE WORST mothers on the planet. She psychologically tortured me, sold me to a man sexually for money, successful made it so that as a small girl not only did she throw me away but she put such a wedge of distance between my family and I so that I lost everything… And even though, for the longest time I saw her true colors, I still loved her and wanted to be with her. When I was an adult and I had more power, I poured love and forgiveness and effort into my mother. I honestly believed if she would just open her eyes, her quality of life would change and we could both finally be happy. This of course never happened. The majority of our relationship was thousands of miles apart and up until near the end that made it easier… It reached a point though where her mission was to emotionally break me and turn everyone I loved against me.

My father left when my mom was pregnant. I grew up with his family telling me I was a bastard, deliberately making my childhood difficult and reminding me on a regular basis that he denied I was his because he was simply so disgusted to be my father. At nearly an adult I met my father and learned he has 4 other kids who he was an amazing father to, but if a relationship were to be maintained there all of the effort would have to be mine.

Two sets of people, after I was sent to live in a group home at twelve, “wanted me”. They asked my mom and my mother responded with “I don’t want her, but I don’t want anyone else to have her either.” And that was that, on they went with their lives.

In the middle of that there were a few deeply personal friendships, some more than others, that ended when they left and I was left scarred.

I married my husband younger than I should have and we were both pretty loaded down with personal baggage. After 5 years of marriage, 7 miscarriages, a grueling illness related to them, and one crushingly failed adoption- my husband had an affair with a woman who he delightfully pointed out “can have kids so I love her”, and then tried desperately (in a near psychotic episode of trying to “give me” to another man) to end our marriage. I forgave, I fought him to save our marriage but I was disposable to him.

A couple of years later, having gone through counseling and feeling the most emotionally healthy I’d ever been, I once again resumed the fight for our marriage and we reconciled, on his terms. Fourteen years, almost to the day, later, I was out. He was done and no longer wanted me, again. It didn’t matter if it hurt our family, it didn’t matter if I’d done nothing with my life but support him in his career and raise our family, often alone. None of that mattered because he was done. I’m sure you have noticed the theme there. And it’s not that he’s a bad guy. My husband is the best man I’ve ever known. I love redemption stories and he is my favorite of them.

I have never fought for anything like I fought for motherhood and my marriage. Having my family together is seriously the happiest times in my life and the only times I’ve ever felt like everything would be ok and it was worth it. And now, just with the snap of a finger, it’s done. I had been in therapy due to my mother and the end of her issues before I severed the relationship. Through that process I was encouraged to make an exit strategy, from my marriage. I was severely depressed and a heavy emphasis was put on my marriage because I was so depressed and my husband wasn’t really present or being supportive. It was constantly stressed that my environment was not healthy, which it wasn’t. It was an environment where I was responsible for everyone’s happiness and needs being met and I was left drained and dying, empty. My exit strategy was a long time away and I was such a mess emotionally, I believed my marriage would somehow work out but I wasn’t sure what I wanted. Life as it was then was one I would have died in. That entire way of life could have changed though, if he’d felt I was worth his time or physical effort. He didn’t and in the end, he decided me leaving was best for them.

Since I’ve been gone I have realized that several key relationships in my life rely on my effort in their lives or their need for me to do something for them. Without those things, there is virtually no relationship. I’ve distanced myself from those people, which is healthy and obviously they don’t care anyway. There is no consideration for me, no follow through and no effort for our relationship outside of mine. It’s a healthy distancing and considering how gapingly wounded I am from the loss of my life, (husband and family) they don’t really feel like much of anything.

My husband has stolen the motherhood I fought so hard to have, after such years of loss and agony. The relationship I went to hell and back for, with my 16-year-old is now that of a surface level pen-pal as I’m thousands of miles away and completely broke to try to fix it. He believes this is best for her, while he lives the life I designed and I’m completely alone with nothing I gave everything for. Aside from the fact that man has no idea what it means to sacrifice something or fight for anything if it isn’t career focussed, I am the great big loser…

My hindsight advice would be that if you are stuck in a dark depression, guard your heart and find someone to talk to who isn’t focussed on an agenda. When you are sick like that, and no one does anything for you while everyone depends on you- don’t make ANY major decisions until you feel better. Try and feel better. Take a break, get away for a while. No one is more impressionable than when they are desperate.

My advice to myself is that I am worth fighting for, even if no one else has ever thought so.

My heart screams and aches to fight to mend my beyond broken family and put it back together again, but it’s been made clear to me that I’m not worth the effort. And also IF he were interested in trying, which he isn’t, it would still be on HIS terms. History is a bitch, plain and simple. It repeats itself and cycles the hell out of you, until you just give up. I give up. I’m a pen-pal, not a mother. I’m soon to be an ex-wife, again. I am disposable to anyone and everyone and I’ll live with that. People love to say “you are so strong, stronger than you think.” I think it’s often said to bring them comfort, because I can honestly say it’s pretty hurtful for me to hear. Obviously those people don’t really pay attention to my life or live in my head. I am not. I am weak and the ironies are: that I fight for people I love and am not worth fighting for; and that I am the sort of person who grows stronger and more alive by my connections with people, but I don’t really get to have those. My loyalty is both a character strength and obviously larger weakness…

If my life became a reality show about someone fighting for people, it would be an example because no one has fought harder or sacrificed more for the people in their lives than I have. It would also tank with ratings because the episodes would always end with me in the ring and the other person looking me in the eye and saying “eh. I give up…” and walking away.

An honest answer…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

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After my last post I received a lot communication asking questions about where I am heading, what my dreams are, what personal clarity I’m reaching, etc. It may not be the most eloquent admission, but here are your answers…

I’ve joined the camp of believing this season of my life is ideal for self discovery. With the self discovery comes the realizations that, as uncomfortable as they may be, there is peace in them. I am personally a big fan of peace.

Among the things I am realizing about myself, my life and my feelings is the definition of a lie. Yesterday I had a nice conversation with a lovely lady about the disappointing trend of lip-service. Even after I left the discussion, this stayed with me. Whether one intends to deceive someone or not, if they have a habit of speaking things into existence but lack total follow through, they are telling lies. Intention is irrelevant. When someone tells me they are going to do something, they are also saying “You can count on me.” And after a time or two, once this is proven wrong, there isn’t much left to listen to. I do not trust easily, and I suspect that the older I get, I will trust less and less. I do know I have always been loyal to a fault, and this season is changing this as well. When you lose my trust, well, it’s gone.

I am also realizing I’ve lost all patience for the games people play. If we have a relationship, then it will be interactive and move forward. If that isn’t the case, I’m more than likely going to just move on. I don’t have time for anymore relationships where the other person’s actions indicate complete carelessness for my person or friendship. I thought I’d be sadder, should this day have ever come, but I’m not. I am surprising myself all of the time, apparently. I am relevant, even if only to myself.

I am having a hard time defining a dream to put into action, for my future. It’s murky, at best, when I try to figure it out. I know that I want to travel. I do not want to own a home. I want my dog. I will finish school. I plan to use at least part of my Esthetics journey blessing people who deserve it through charitable/ministry efforts. I want to move time at the ocean towards the top of my priority list. These are the things which make my heart feel hope filled. I am obviously not done working in some form of the entertainment industry, which surprised me. How this factors into my dream/goals I am unsure, but I dreamed about it all night. I have no desire at all to enter into another romantic relationship. This is the most concrete thing in my heart, and I feel great about that. Second to this is the growing realization that those who make me feel irrelevant or expect my relationship with them to revolve around the barometer of their moods and feelings will also not be worth my time. I have lived my whole life in a family where I did not really exist outside of their wants and needs. My marriage, for the most part, became this as well. I am done with those types of relationship. I have bent over backwards pouring unconditional love and effort for decades. This era is over. I may sound cold but I am so tired of existing only at the interest of others.

I know some of my “do’s” and I know my concrete “do not’s”. It’s not a bad starting point, moving forward. I can, today, define myself as a mother though not a very good one. I love fresh-cut flowers, movies, (especially indie films), books, good indie music, reimagined cover songs, Korean tv, and I connect with nature and people on very personal levels. When I say something, I will do it. If I can’t, I am personally motivated to make up for that failure.  I am stronger than I thought and would rather be alone than deal with any of the things I mentioned above.

I am not really reading much due to the screaming chaos in my brain, but I am listening to a collection of great tracks! So, a dream or life plan isn’t born yet, but there’s a timeline and direction established. It’s something…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

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January is full of such promise and yet I cannot find my way out of this undertow I’m stuck in. I cannot seem to catch my breath. When I manage sleep all I see are moments of the last 6 months and how my life has spiraled so far out of control. Every right thing decision that I made seemed to play its part and I knew it as it was happening. I actually lived a moment where I knew that my life would never be the same and that it was the beginning of the end. For awhile I convinced myself that it was an irrational fear nagging me, but I knew it wasn’t.

The amount of things I have had to attempt to process through over the past 6 months is more than my 30+ years before it. I have no idea how to be anymore, how to be today, how to be in this moment. I am beyond overwhelmed and truly do not know how to go on. A well-meaning friend says “this is when you rely on your family.” Another chimes in “Don’t be afraid to ask for help, love, support, hugs, whatever.” It’s amazing how simple things seem from the outside looking in. The translation of both of those things is “surely you have family like I do.” I don’t. and “just not from me, I’m busy with my husband and children right now.” Ouch. And call me crazy, but should someone (especially when they are already broken) really have to ask for those things? Since when did love stop being a verb?

Just when my eyes have all but swollen shut and it feels my heart is drained dry of tears, more flood to the surface.

I was called out, about a month ago, for being kind of a crappy person. It was said that I do things for others and create a place in their lives where people will need me so that I have people. It makes sense to me, though I’d never realized I did that before that conversation. I love in the way I want to be loved so I have tried to make myself valuable to the people who have had immense value to me. Apparently I’ve gone about it all wrong… It’s true though. Over the weeks since, I’ve thought a lot about the most important relationships in my life and in them I tend to make the majority of the effort. It’s a pattern I guess I created. This sums up my marriage, family and many close friendships. I can’t blame others for what I created, so instead I’ve stopped really making an effort and it’s not at all strange what has transpired… Nothing. If people need me, they rise up. If they don’t, I pretty much don’t exist. While this isn’t true for EVERY ONE, it’s the majority and again I can only blame myself.

I don’t know how to do today.

I have been going along forever really, handling everything on my own to ensure that I had a marriage, a family and a life to grow old in. Now I see that most of them were delusions… But still I wonder, which hurt less? The sitting in a Christmas Eve service with a husband a million miles away in his mind and a daughter who hates you, or sitting in a Christmas Eve service completely alone? The first hurts less, the latter is hell. I wish I had known that before hand. I feel like I’m feeling that a lot lately. There is comfort in the delusion.

I was called out by another friend, just the other day, about how she is alone too, and it sucks and basically welcome to her world. I totally deserved it. I wasn’t intending to minimize her situation as much as attempting clumsily to process mine. But it really is as simply as the first friend pointed out, I needed people to need me so that I felt value and worth because otherwise no one found me that way. People are great with the lip service and reassurances to the contrary but I’ve always valued the actions of others above their words and seldom do they align. I did it to myself.

When your life’s biggest fear- which is that if you stop pouring into the people you love, you will be disposable- comes true, then what?

I don’t know how to do today, but I don’t really have a choice.

Connect…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

hello, 2016…

If first impressions mean anything, than I suspect you and I won’t really get along too well. It is the first day of a new year, a blank slate, a fresh chapter- and I can honestly say I’ve not quite caught up yet. This place I’m playing peek a boo with, inside of my heart and mind, is not a good place to be. It is dark, desolate, isolating and in it I find myself pretty afraid. I fear that I’ve just cycled through too much these past forty-five days…

Is that possible?

One day I was on a track, complete with dreams and plans. While it’s true that some of those plans may have eventually led me to the very pedestal of isolation I currently find myself on, being separated from my husband and such, the journey would have been very different and found me significantly more prepared and at peace. I’m full of so many aches and questions and the last thing in the world that I need is a bouquet of assumptions, mocking and an empty corner. It is no secret that I do not do well with change under the best of circumstances. Over these past five weeks though, so much has happened so fast. I’ve sailed along, able to focus on the next big thing while praying I’d make it through unscathed. Each thing brought about a new wave of feeling, fears and emptiness… And now, now there isn’t a big wave to focus on. The water is calm, while the sky holds threat of severe storms approaching. In this metaphor I guess it would be accurate to assess that I’m stuck there, in the sea, alone.

I am far from unscathed…

My word for this new year is Connect.

Nearly three years ago I moved away from a cluster of well-developed friendships, some of which did not survive the relocation. In those three years I tried desperately to form friendships in an area where this task just proved more impossible than anything else. Now I’m home and reminded daily that you can’t go back. The solution, (vital, at this point) would be to connect with others. Old friends, new friends, people…

Prior to the great move East, of ’13, I was fairly connected to myself. I worked in my art and felt whole with such endeavors. In that time away I lost more and more of my ability to create. Connecting to myself, channeling inspiration and finding the journey my soul needs to go on does seem equally as vital.

Learning to connect with my kids, especially my youngest, from across so many miles, and not as someone’s other half, but as me, feels like an insurmountable challenge.

Connecting with an educational program which will lead to the need of connecting with a community to grow in my career… Connecting with things I’ve lost touch with… With me, in other ways than simply art and written word… Connecting with God, connecting with the beauty that exists every where I am- even when that where has me isolated at sea… Connecting my heart to the song of the sea, connecting my eyes to the miracles around me. Connecting my time to a new routine. Connecting my body to where it is now, and how it is now, and how it may never be my ideal- or anyones… Connecting my confidence to the line where someone else’s approval doesn’t mean anything.

Connect. Connecting. Connection.

Hello, 2016. I don’t know anything about anything other than the fact that I’m so isolated, I’m so alone, I’m so tired, I’m so parched, I’m so trying-not-to-be-terrified. I’m so dazed in my mind and so incredibly far from a place of peace… But I’m here. I’m present.