An honest answer…

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After my last post I received a lot communication asking questions about where I am heading, what my dreams are, what personal clarity I’m reaching, etc. It may not be the most eloquent admission, but here are your answers…

I’ve joined the camp of believing this season of my life is ideal for self discovery. With the self discovery comes the realizations that, as uncomfortable as they may be, there is peace in them. I am personally a big fan of peace.

Among the things I am realizing about myself, my life and my feelings is the definition of a lie. Yesterday I had a nice conversation with a lovely lady about the disappointing trend of lip-service. Even after I left the discussion, this stayed with me. Whether one intends to deceive someone or not, if they have a habit of speaking things into existence but lack total follow through, they are telling lies. Intention is irrelevant. When someone tells me they are going to do something, they are also saying “You can count on me.” And after a time or two, once this is proven wrong, there isn’t much left to listen to. I do not trust easily, and I suspect that the older I get, I will trust less and less. I do know I have always been loyal to a fault, and this season is changing this as well. When you lose my trust, well, it’s gone.

I am also realizing I’ve lost all patience for the games people play. If we have a relationship, then it will be interactive and move forward. If that isn’t the case, I’m more than likely going to just move on. I don’t have time for anymore relationships where the other person’s actions indicate complete carelessness for my person or friendship. I thought I’d be sadder, should this day have ever come, but I’m not. I am surprising myself all of the time, apparently. I am relevant, even if only to myself.

I am having a hard time defining a dream to put into action, for my future. It’s murky, at best, when I try to figure it out. I know that I want to travel. I do not want to own a home. I want my dog. I will finish school. I plan to use at least part of my Esthetics journey blessing people who deserve it through charitable/ministry efforts. I want to move time at the ocean towards the top of my priority list. These are the things which make my heart feel hope filled. I am obviously not done working in some form of the entertainment industry, which surprised me. How this factors into my dream/goals I am unsure, but I dreamed about it all night. I have no desire at all to enter into another romantic relationship. This is the most concrete thing in my heart, and I feel great about that. Second to this is the growing realization that those who make me feel irrelevant or expect my relationship with them to revolve around the barometer of their moods and feelings will also not be worth my time. I have lived my whole life in a family where I did not really exist outside of their wants and needs. My marriage, for the most part, became this as well. I am done with those types of relationship. I have bent over backwards pouring unconditional love and effort for decades. This era is over. I may sound cold but I am so tired of existing only at the interest of others.

I know some of my “do’s” and I know my concrete “do not’s”. It’s not a bad starting point, moving forward. I can, today, define myself as a mother though not a very good one. I love fresh-cut flowers, movies, (especially indie films), books, good indie music, reimagined cover songs, Korean tv, and I connect with nature and people on very personal levels. When I say something, I will do it. If I can’t, I am personally motivated to make up for that failure.  I am stronger than I thought and would rather be alone than deal with any of the things I mentioned above.

I am not really reading much due to the screaming chaos in my brain, but I am listening to a collection of great tracks! So, a dream or life plan isn’t born yet, but there’s a timeline and direction established. It’s something…

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