confession, friendship, gratitude, journey, letter

For H…

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I’m going to post a little bit about my roommate, and there’s a pretty good reason…

I share an apartment, as platonically as humanly possible, with my high school best friend Will. I’ve mentioned before that I lived in a group home, as a teen. Will was there with me, consistently, for what felt like a life time. Because of that, the duress of our situation and similar abandonment issues as children, we developed a fairly strong connection. We were never involved beyond  this deep way.

Awhile back Will came to me, via the world wide web, with a confession about the negative direction his life had turned. I was in an ultra crappy place in my own life, and though desperately wanting to sustain my marriage, knew I had to help him. This guy was the epitome of my “roots”. I warned him as he came, broken, into my home that I wasn’t sure how long my marriage would be standing…

Will has an ex-girlfriend that I have a bit of a negative history with… And she’s apparently started reading my blog. She’s even used parts of it as ammunition towards him. I’m going to take a minute to talk to her…

H,

There was a time, several years back, when I genuinely wanted to be your friend. You couldn’t see past your jealousy to recognize that I was devoted to my husband and as much as I valued Will as my lifelong friend, I had fully expected to value you the same. I tried explaining that to you, then. I even attempted, again several months later, to look past the horrible way you had treated me because I truly valued the both of you. I BELIEVE in relationships. I value them. While he may have given you many reasons not to trust him, I could have given you a hundred references to affirm to you that I would never tear your relationship apart or hurt you.

Though it’s hard to imagine right now, Chw and I had a great marriage. Circumstances have a way of changing things. At that time we often helped couples save their marriages and turn from divorce. I was proud of that. Our marriage had survived a lot. I’d go so far as to say, if you could have gotten over your resentment and jealousy enough to connect with us- your relationship with Will might even be different today. Not just because of us, but because of you.

Again, I could have a hundred different people affirm this to you, but your ex did not destroy my marriage. He had no part in it, whatsoever. He stood by, in the sidelines, while my marriage silently fell apart. He was a great friend to me when I really needed someone, and he became a friend to my husband. My daughters, who are 16 & 25, adore him. None of those things would be the case if he had been the reason for such things.

We are NOT together, in that way, now either. I am not, was not, nor will I ever be a cheating whore. While I’m not sure what will happen with my marriage, I do know that even if we divorce, I will never be with someone else. Not even Will. I have no desire to be with anyone but my husband.

H, I understand so well how hard it is to spend your life (the best years of your life) with someone, only for them to walk away. I understand how unhealthy cycles, patterns and cheating can all affect your views on everything. I truly wish you’d had a little faith and taken a chance to be my friend, then, instead of just hating me. Even if the two of you still hadn’t worked out, this whole situation would look completely different now. We are made, by God, with a need for community. We NEED friendships… I can honestly say that I am a really great friend, and you really missed out because i would have been a KICK ASS friend to you. Will is a great guy who is working so hard at becoming a better one. Sure, I might get frustrated with him but I won’t ever tear him apart because of that. I’m sure you are an equally great person, but unfortunately you’ve never let me see that side of you.

Ironically, even after he was in Michigan, Will was trying to convince me to reach out to you. He knew you loved him and cared about his recovery and growth and he was convinced that you would be happy that I was helping him. He also believed you really needed a good friend who would really love you for you. Obviously, he was wrong, BUT I tell you this so you know and understand the kind of faith he had in you. I don’t care if you read my blog, or stalk my Instagram feed or talk crap about the cheating whore you believe I am. Do you know what you deserve? You DESERVE a life filled with peace, confidence and love. One where you feel value, and worth because you have both. These things will never come if you continue to be so focussed on negativity. It’s a hard pattern to break, but dear girl, YOU are worth it, for you. One day your kids will have major accomplishments, children of their own or something else that will cause you both to be there supporting and loving them. Maybe your journey TOGETHER isn’t meant to be right now, but you still owe it to yourself to support him and build an amicable relationship  for the sake of not only your children but for yourself. To know you rose above and did that… I’m super hurt by my husband right now, but I would never tear him down to my children. I won’t even tear him down to him. Or Will, for that matter. Will knows that I believe Chw is a really great guy. When we love someone and share a portion of our lives with them, we need to try and see the best in them always, otherwise it will eat at us and tear us apart. We need to learn from our mistakes and try better… You have 4 reasons to try really hard to rise above, but the most important one is you. Don’t waste your life on resentment and bitterness, you deserve a much more beautiful life than that.

Again, I wish we could have been friends because I would have made sure to remind you of your worth and value every time you doubted it.

<3.

M

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4 thoughts on “For H…”

  1. This my friend is the Grace of Jesus Christ. I truly hope this girl can see the LOVE you are exuding and displaying towards her, because even when Jesus was spit upon, stabbed and had his clothes gambled for…he still begged His Father in heaven to forgive them because they had no idea what they were doing. I think the case for that is made here…Let all that you do be done in LOVE.

    And you did it. Even if this doesn’t change her heart sweet woman, know that God sees your heart and He’s certainly smiling :)

    1. I genuinely mean it, though honestly her opinion of me is of no value to me. Even the way she treats him doesn’t affect me because it’s not my business. I just feel sorry for her because she is making her life all about sadness and resentment and it could be so much more. We all deserve that. I’ve met her son and he’s a GREAT kid, and if Will gave her almost 20 years, she has to be something special. I just wish she could see the redemptive opportunities she has to change these habits and patterns and design a life she loves.

  2. I remember that summer and how much it hurt you. You are a better woman than I, my friend, because I still fee hatered towards her for the damage she caused emotionally.

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