Category: friendship

invisibility…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

4aqy2crxsa8-sergio-rolaBlogging, writing, social media and all of the other ways that the current era leads us to an inevitable fork-in-the-road, are not without uninvolved people and their strong opinions. About a month ago I was virtually (as it was on the internet, so virtual) put through the ringer by people I would have consider more than acquaintances and had great respect for. It was actually two unconnected sources, over two different things, within the span of 24 hours. One was based on unfounded gossip, and the other was based on social media…

There is a saying that anyone with a pulse knows now, Haters gonna Hate… And that is just it. When those particular haters though, are more than just internet trolls, there will be lasting consequences…

In regards to incident number one- it is nothing more than immature, two-faced, drama causing nonsense. Unfortunately I can honestly say their middle school behavior and choices that followed had lasting impact on the life and course of my family healing and one day they will have to move out of 6th grade mentality and answer for that. Thankfully, it will not be to me because I just don’t have time for such sad behavior in adult women, mothers and wives…

The second incident is much more relevant. After the first incident began (and sadly, it hasn’t ended yet) I made a rash decision to make a post on my private facebook page stating that I did not care about these women’s opinions of me, and that despite the fact that my husband had been unfaithful, I still valued reconciliation and wanted my marriage restored. A couple of friends called and asked me to self examine why I had written it. It was up for less than 2 hours, I realized I had done it in a moment of anger and took it down. A woman I respected and had invited in to an inner circle of trust, (a place reserved for few) reacted very judgmentally and said some incredibly cruel things. We are no longer in contact and when she revealed her true colors, I was ok with that.

Over the past month though, I have been reflecting on both issues and my handling of them. I have had countless conversations with people about the transparency of being a writer and living as a writer in this day and age… Whenever the girls in the first incident are discussed, by my husband, he brings up my blog as validation for their pathetic behavior. My blog, which emphatically states the constant theme of these two things: 1) that I wanted healing and reconciliation in my marriage, and 2) that I was never unfaithful to my husband. When the very origin of their scheme was that I had a torrid affair, left my husband for my lover, etc- my blog seems like an unfounded contributor. Person number two also used my blog as justification for her cruelty stating that my blog was evidence that I was seethingly angry and out to ruin my husband. Also ridiculous, except that maybe people read into another person’s words, what they want to see. Whatever the case, despite these two pathetic instances, here is what I know-

-Over the six months that I have been separated in my marriage, I have carefully blogged about my side of the journey.

-There was one post where I mentioned my husband was one hundred percent responsible for our state of continued separation. My husband read it and asked me to take it down because, even though it was true, he did not want people to think he was a bad guy.

-I have received dozens of emails from women who were walking similar journeys and felt alone.

-I have connected with 4 different women who believe I helped them journey through some really awful marriage times.

-I have come to realize that being a writer, and blogger, in this day and age requires me to make a choice. I can either pretend like things are different and live in a plastic facebook world, OR I can be transparent and journey as authentically as possible.

-I have done the latter… and obviously some people do not like that, and that is ok. As incident number one and two have both taught me, there are people who live to cause drama and interfere where they don’t belong. All I can do is worry about my own stuff, keep my side of the fence clean and weeded and let them deal with their own garbage.

Ouch…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

I had lunch with a beautiful friend, this week on my day off, who has seen her fair share of judgement. Because of this, she has also lost a lot of friends… This sort of “justified judgement” ruins everything, always.

Let me be transparent for a moment. Sometimes I may see someone I care about make some really bad decisions. I may go to them and say “I love you. I really do and I’m worried about you because you are _________. What’s going on? How can I help?” That very scenario is just an example of the dozens and dozens of ways this can be addressed. I’m no expert on how to talk to people but in my few decades on the planet I’ve kind of become an expert on how not to.

Don’t approach someone as if you are their authority and tell them they are making a mistake. If It’s a mistake, they likely already know it… And unless it’s outlined in the rules, it may not be a mistake. Just because you think it’s wrong doesn’t make it so.

Don’t tell someone the reason bad things are happening to their children is because they or their partner committed a sin.

Don’t lash out at them because they didn’t receive your inappropriate and ignorant rebuke, by telling them it’s obvious they are the problem in their marriage.

None of us are perfect. We ALL mess up. None of us is better than the other, no matter how long they’ve faked it on social media by not being transparent. We are each responsible for living our own lives… We each have to do our best, and fix it when we let something slide. My way may not be your way, but that doesn’t make it wrong. I guarantee you are doing 20 things that someone else is judging you for. All we can do is love and support one another, and that NEVER looks like talking down to someone. Real support looks like opening our ears, shutting our mouths and trying to see what it’s like from that other person’s perspective. Actually caring about what’s going on, and then if there’s something unsettling, saying “hey, friend, let’s look at this ______. Maybe there’s a different way to handle it. Let me know how I can help and what I can do to ease your burden right now.”

Because, honestly, any other way than that simply adds to that person’s burden and your “justification” for it is simply self-righteous. Whenever SELF is a contributor, you’re doing it wrong. We are supposed to bear one another’s burdens, or at least ease them… So let’s share the hard and celebrate the beautiful TOGETHER…

House of cake…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

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I live in a house and have been brought into a little family that is pretty amazing, minus the cat…

The wind blows, the sun rises and sets just as any other home. It isn’t perfect and it’s walls and shape remain hauntingly familiar… but it’s a home all the same. The bed can be warm, the conversation nurturing and well, the cat can be relied on for sneaky little cat-like things…

Outside of this house the world can be challenging and terrifying, dishonest and raw. The world can feel overwhelming and the people you love can be more so. Outside of this house is life, pulse beating and oxygen breathing life and it happens whether we venture out or stay wrapped in the sometimes warm bed to hide.

Today was hard, tears were had and gut-wrenching gave way to lessons. More lessons. Always, always learning. We kind of have to.

I’ve learned there are no guarantees; helping others does not mean they will line up when you have need; friendships are only ever a sum of the effort put into them, and even then they are nothing more than a word; marriage is far more emotional connection than legally binding document; adultery questions your worth though it is not an exact reflection of such; children hurt and their life-hurts are the worst of all evils, in this world; every single thing boils down to intention, effort and self discipline- only choosing the easy route leads to self-destruction…

Outside tonight the wind howls. Down the street my sweet friend is putting a baby to bed. ten miles away my sister worries as my niece is still missing. States away a seventeen year old goes to bed feeling disposable, unworthy and unloveable just as her momma always has. This is the worst of all realities, that and the fact that the one person who can fix it all doesn’t want to.

Here, inside this house that is also home, the wind echoes and the chill kisses my spine. The cat stalks, communicating his ownership. The one guarantee outside is that there is evil and greatness and it is up to me to choose which way to see- which way to live…

The one guarantee inside? There will always be cake…

The better sort of list…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Everyone is all about bucket lists… I made a beautiful one last year, to complete before I was 40. Losing my family and way of life shot my list all to hell, so I thought instead I’d make a list of the 100 BEST things I’ve done in my 40 long years…

  1. skinny dipping in a natural body of water.
  2. dancing in the rain.
  3. watching fireworks, on a hilltop, set to Bach.
  4. My first time at the ocean, a glorious week on the Oregon coast.
  5. going in to NYC to see the tree at Rockafellar center.
  6. Swinging with the kids I worked with, at Hope House, on a hot summer day with the public sprinklers on.
  7. Snowcones with my kids.
  8. Working at Hope House and the amazing, life changing relationships I made there.
  9. Getting my nose pierced.
  10. the tattooes I’ve carefully chosen.
  11. I met Colin Firth.
  12. falling in love with the culture and pop culture of South Korea.
  13. Working at OBI and the dear relationships I made there.
  14. That I’ve always been one to forgive and try again. No exceptions.
  15. Seeing Starship on the Santa Cruz beach. It wasn’t Starship, but the beach, air and company.
  16. My first upside down rollercoaster, in the rain, in St. Louis.
  17. that I learned to appreciate music.
  18. adopting.
  19. The Chvrches concert. It was how concerts should feel.
  20. New Mexico sunsets.
  21. Reconnecting with my high school BFF and being one who demonstrated unconditional, sacrificial love.
  22. Being stranded in an airport and befriending a total stranger.
  23. knowing Jared Glenn.
  24. Loving with my whole heart, even if that has never really paid off.
  25. Understanding the value of true family, whether there’s blood relation there or not.
  26. catching live crabs and cooking them on the beach.
  27. the first time I held hands with a boy, no feeling compares.
  28. seeing my niece be born.
  29. the moment I met my husband and knew we would be married.
  30. My first DMB show.
  31. The secret P!ATD show in Boise, when Gen was little, complete with awesome treatment, tv interviews, etc.
  32. Attending a wedding with an MTV film crew.
  33. the first time I loped on a horse.
  34. The gift of knowing and loving my grandfather.
  35. My dog Paisley’s love for me. Life affirming.
  36. My grandmother’s chicken and dumplings.
  37. When my stomach finally eased after my first major bout with sea sickness.
  38. The week long backpacking trip I went on, when I was in 8th grade.
  39. Seeing a large meteor shower.
  40. Seeing Wicked on broadway.
  41. The time a bear went through our camp while we slept under the stars.
  42. walking at the ocean, feet in sand and sea.
  43. The first time I body surfed.
  44. Genny’s Twilight impressions, when she was younger.
  45. Learning to give facials.
  46. any inside joke, with my husband.
  47. Staying at the Regent Beverly Wiltshire.
  48. Gen’s 6th birthday, in the hotel on Easter. it was really fun and a nice connection moment for C & I, with midnight cake and snuggles.
  49. Christmas with my husband and all three of my kids.
  50. The twin foster babies we had.
  51. When my husband baked me a lemon cake for my birthday. It was one of the most beautiful, thoughtful moments I’ve had with anyone.
  52. Tummy slamming, with Melanie, when we were little.
  53. My cousin Kyle. He really changed my childhood.
  54. My pet turtle Rosie, who made the journey from my house to my grandmother’s, a few blocks away, and back.
  55. My german shepherd/husky (when I was a kid) named Betsy.
  56. White water rafting.
  57. The way autumn smells, in Idaho.
  58. That huge, terrifying storm we had in Kansas, when I was 17.
  59. Stars, porches and conversation.
  60. My California girls trip, in 2001.
  61. Alicia Michelle.
  62. Petting an Elephant at the Portland Zoo.
  63. The San Diego Valentines day getaway I had with Chw in 2002.
  64. bacon wrapped dates in Illinois. Delicious dinner and lovely evening conversation.
  65. The Blake hotel in Chicago. Stunning.
  66. The gigantic moon the Christmas of 1999 in Phoenix.
  67. My bus ride to Kentucky, from New Mexico.
  68. The summer I went in a semi to Los Angeles.
  69. The look on Chw’s face with his surprise 40th birthday. Making him happy was always my favorite thing ever, there was no one more deserving.
  70. Hours and hours of playing Killer Bunnies.
  71. Girl’s day on Make your Own Holiday day.
  72. Being published in The Pink Project.
  73. the living room conversation I had in 92. It was terrifying and safe to be known so well.
  74. saving myself from my sexually abusive step dad.
  75. the Detroit blackout in 2003.
  76. the magic of my first plane ride to Michigan, amidst the turmoil surrounding me.
  77. My grandparents shed, my safe haven.
  78. playing “Mermaids” in Monique’s pool.
  79. Seeing Chw & Gen when i got home from the LA nightmare.
  80. My first trip to NYC. Tiffany & Co, Central Park & FAO Shwartz.
  81. the first time I shot with my Canon.
  82. My one and only healthy ultrasound.
  83. Whenever I hug my son.
  84. Face to Face conversations with my daughter Amanda.
  85. Amanda’s wedding. Helping, being there for her and getting her through it, the father/daughter dance and how stunning she looked.
  86. Waking up for 6 months of beautiful mornings, in the smoky mountains.
  87. The most delightful conversation imaginable, with Emma Thompson.
  88. Witnessing both the sun rising on the US east coast and the sun setting on US west coast. Different days, but still a gift.
  89. email corresponding with my grandmother’s favorite soap opera actress, after my grandmother died.
  90. Chw and his little figurine for me after I had my first real operation in 1999. It’s never meant more for me to see anyone in all my life.
  91. hearing strange sounds and learning my cat, whom I didn’t even know was pregnant, had just delivered one single kitten, who looked nothing at all like her. It felt like a miracle.
  92. A youth that included white water rafting, snow tubing, ice blocking and casually floating the river. It was a blessed adolescence for sure.
  93. late night dance parties, being surrounded by the coolest of people you know.
  94. Eerily quiet Chinatown, in San Francisco. Exhilarating.
  95. Becoming sisters with my sister Sherri, who is my heart sister but I know there isn’t anyway we could be more genuinely real.
  96. Being Julie’s heart daughter. She’s been gone a decade, this year, and I am still in awe of her love for me.
  97. heart pounding risks…
  98. following my instinct/intuition, and learning something anyway, when it may not work out.
  99. Discovering Chinese massage. It may not be amazing everywhere, but here it is extraordinary.
  100. My relationship with God, learning to blind trust and love through it has been the biggest adventure of my life…

On love and marriage…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

You may or may not be aware that my husband & I had a pretty fantastic little podcast. We had a loyal little group of followers who gleaned something from what we had to share regarding marriage and parenting. Now, standing on the precipice of the most confusing divorce I’ve ever witnessed, this idea seems crazy to me.

A handful of these followers have kept in touch with me through the close of the podcast. Two of them are in struggling marriages and still ask me for prayer, advice and guidance. It is very much the truth when I state that I feel I am the last person to give such kernels of anything. Learning my husband’s feelings for me were more fraudulent than I could have ever imagined, I myself feel like a fraud. Like a joke. But still, these two women believe I have something to give them and so as brokenly and honestly as possible, I try.

A few weeks ago one of them wrote to me and asked me if I still believed in marriage, and how was it possible to. She’s hurting, broken and terrified. Perhaps my believing in marriage is a ray of hope to her. I don’t know. I’ve thought so much about this… The answer is, yes. Yes, I do believe in marriage.

I believe that those of us who want to connect with someone and share a life, have that desire because it’s something in us that needs it. I also believe that once that commitment is made, the two of them need to uphold it at all cost, No Matter What. That part is tricky…

I believe in the institute of marriage, what it seems to be explainably and unexplainably. I believe it is real, solid, organic and therefore needs feeding and nurturing. I also believe that while the plants may die, due to negligence, the seed cannot as it is in and of itself, other worldly. Any marriage, it is my belief, can be brought back to life. I have seen this done, I have witnessed and heard such beautiful tales of such. This, however, is not easy. Then again, no good things are.

Yes, I believe in marriage. Even my marriage, as ridiculous as that sounds. I am the one person in my union able to remember both the good and bad, and see it honestly. It would be hard not to believe in my marriage, it is the most rewarding, beautiful and fulfilling thing I have ever lived through. I do not however believe in my husband or his heart for me, any longer. I know that, as my marriage dies and he moves on to a life outside of us, I will never be able to hope for that same thing elsewhere. I do not want a new love, a new experience, a new marriage or a redemptive relationship. My heart was for my marriage, for my husband, and those options are dead to me so, although it sounds incredibly dramatic, I too am dead. Dead as a wife, dead as a life partner, dead as a woman who is loved and has romance.

I believe in marriage. I always will. I hold hope for the hundreds of thousands of seeds out there. Water them, expose them to light and weed around them… My only advice is to fight til the bitter end because when it works out, it is the most worthwhile thing ever.