On love and marriage…

You may or may not be aware that my husband & I had a pretty fantastic little podcast. We had a loyal little group of followers who gleaned something from what we had to share regarding marriage and parenting. Now, standing on the precipice of the most confusing divorce I’ve ever witnessed, this idea seems crazy to me.

A handful of these followers have kept in touch with me through the close of the podcast. Two of them are in struggling marriages and still ask me for prayer, advice and guidance. It is very much the truth when I state that I feel I am the last person to give such kernels of anything. Learning my husband’s feelings for me were more fraudulent than I could have ever imagined, I myself feel like a fraud. Like a joke. But still, these two women believe I have something to give them and so as brokenly and honestly as possible, I try.

A few weeks ago one of them wrote to me and asked me if I still believed in marriage, and how was it possible to. She’s hurting, broken and terrified. Perhaps my believing in marriage is a ray of hope to her. I don’t know. I’ve thought so much about this… The answer is, yes. Yes, I do believe in marriage.

I believe that those of us who want to connect with someone and share a life, have that desire because it’s something in us that needs it. I also believe that once that commitment is made, the two of them need to uphold it at all cost, No Matter What. That part is tricky…

I believe in the institute of marriage, what it seems to be explainably and unexplainably. I believe it is real, solid, organic and therefore needs feeding and nurturing. I also believe that while the plants may die, due to negligence, the seed cannot as it is in and of itself, other worldly. Any marriage, it is my belief, can be brought back to life. I have seen this done, I have witnessed and heard such beautiful tales of such. This, however, is not easy. Then again, no good things are.

Yes, I believe in marriage. Even my marriage, as ridiculous as that sounds. I am the one person in my union able to remember both the good and bad, and see it honestly. It would be hard not to believe in my marriage, it is the most rewarding, beautiful and fulfilling thing I have ever lived through. I do not however believe in my husband or his heart for me, any longer. I know that, as my marriage dies and he moves on to a life outside of us, I will never be able to hope for that same thing elsewhere. I do not want a new love, a new experience, a new marriage or a redemptive relationship. My heart was for my marriage, for my husband, and those options are dead to me so, although it sounds incredibly dramatic, I too am dead. Dead as a wife, dead as a life partner, dead as a woman who is loved and has romance.

I believe in marriage. I always will. I hold hope for the hundreds of thousands of seeds out there. Water them, expose them to light and weed around them… My only advice is to fight til the bitter end because when it works out, it is the most worthwhile thing ever.