Category: family

the grandest of loves…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment
I wish I had known, even that morning, how grey the world would be without you there to pick up the other end of my phone call. i wish i had known, that Sunday afternoon, that my proclamation of love for you would have been my last.
That horrible Tuesday I saw how a mile long list of good intentions and excuses can instantly turn to twelve miles of sorry regret. I imagine the chance to see you one last time, to flood the apologies for never saying enough, doing enough or being enough.
It took death for me to see that it wasn’t ever that i couldn’t be enough for you as much as the truth that your eyes and your love believed more for me.
Maybe both of us struggled, with one another, when it came to intention and self expression…

At any rate, when that gift of another face to face one day comes- I hope I don’t crowd it with unnecessary apologies. You loved me. i hope to, instead, just rekindle my girl child heart with the flame of light in your eyes and take your hand in mine. For five long years you’ve been back with your husband and loving on my babies. Some days I can not wait to come join the party…

Save me a seat. thanks for loving me, always. I love you too, grandma…

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We don’t get to talk often…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments
Dearest Joy and Jennie, 
I am sorry that we don’t get to talk as often as I would like for us to. This adulthood gig is often a bit harder than I had once thought. It’s amazing how the early morning can dawn a brand new day with a fresh clean slate, and after three blinks and a whole lot of rushing- it’s past time for bed. 
How does that time warp happen? 
Despite not talking as often as I would like. Despite not seeing each other as often as I’d like- which, for the record, I’d like more than talking… I want you both to know I love you. 
I love you and I am always there for you. 
I love your kids… Your beautiful families. 
You are both beautiful mothers. I know this, even if I don’t talk to you as often as I’d like… Even if I barely get to see you. Your babies are so blessed to have your love… 
I love that my childhood is entwined with yours. For twelve years, before I was led to your doorstep, I begged God for a sister. Even then, as those childhood tears hit my pillow- God knew I would someday have three. While it is a horribly tragic thing that the world has to have children’s homes and foster care- there aren’t words to tell you how grateful I am, that my sad path led me to you. 
Thank you for sharing your amazing parents. 
Thank you for playing in the Holly Hobby kitchen, for remembering last lines in books (that I don’t even remember), for sharing a passion for 90’s flicks, and for being such beautiful, strong and amazing girls-turned-women. Thank you for opening your hearts to me still, beyond the CCR days. Thank you for loving my family and from the deepest depths of my soul thank you for keeping me in the loop and including me in the intimate and agonizing time surrounding the loss of mom. 
I am so proud of you both. 
Proud to know you. 
Proud to love you. 
Proud to call you my sisters…  
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Two halves…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment
Sher, 
You have cried to me, on more than one occasion, about how I refuse to call you my best friend. Try and try as I might, I can’t get you to grasp the fact that our sisterhood is so much bigger and deeper than any friendship could be. The lifetimes and volumes of interwoven history that we have is among the dearest treasures, in my life. Every laugh, every tear contains a spiritual DNA which bonds us together in a way that no one, or thing, could ever penetrate. 
Even my closest of friends have held but moments, while you were keeping my heart and secrets safe long before those moments were even dreamed into existence. 
I love you. 
I love your heart, I love your kindness, I love your sensitivity. 
I love YOU, sister… 
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dear parents

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay3 Comments

Dear Parents,

I address this letter generically because, without ever really meaning to, you made my family what it is today. The lessons that I have learned from you have kept my life raft afloat when so many others would have simply sank.

You taught me, father, that the term fatherhood is irrelevant in comparison to things like cowardice and self centered behavior. You denied me, for years, only to draw me in and later shove me out… I learned, from you, what a father should be like and you {regardless of what your loved children feel} are not it. For ages I felt rejection and inadequacy. Then one day it dawned on me- a TRULY good father wouldn’t even abandon one child.
No. A TRULY good father is a genuinely good man… He would man up.

Mom, best or worst of intentions aside- you taught me to fight for the things {and the people} I love. The way I felt, all of those years, when you looked the other way and chose not to fight for me was as close to unbearable as anything has ever been. To even consider someone I love feeling a fraction of that kills me.

As for my stepdad, Charlie, I owe you some form of twisted gratitude as well. Your years of childhood violation and sexual abuse gave me the ability to have an empathy and understanding for my daughter and the abuses she endured before becoming a part of my family. Though, for years, I hated you and what you had done to me- I love the bond that I have with her. You are a monster. You live near a school. These are two things that stay present, at the forefront of my thoughts, every single day… But my silver lining is that I can love my daughter through her healing.

To my dad, the man who invested in me when my father jumped ship and hid- thank you. Everything good I learned from you. The ways a man should treat his wife. The way a father should love his child. The way a man should laugh and be. Because of you I learned that the overwhelming and all consuming love that a parent should feel for a child has NOTHING to do with blood, or DNA, or anything else like that.

Because of the four of you, and your very different efforts I have the perfect family. I have children, not of my womb, whom I love more than my heart knew possible.
I am not a perfect parent… Some days I am probably more bad than good. Irrefutably though, I ALWAYS love my kids.
I ALWAYS fight for my kids.
I would never abandon them. Ever.

So whole heartedly, thank you…

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LIFE Well Lived Mornings…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

I was recently invited by Blogher’s LIFE Well Lived to be a panelist and answer the following questions: 
What is the biggest time waster/issue you have when getting you and your family ready in the morning?  
What tips do you have to save time in the morning to get everyone out and ready on time?

Considering all of the whining I was doing in regards to having to establish to an early morning routine as everything about our morning lives was changing- I felt a wee bit proud that this was something I actually had something useful to say. 

I answered, “Making decisions is the biggest morning time waster. I make sure that everything, from outfits, to breakfast, to errands are lined out the night before so that our mornings are smooth, quick and stress free!”

I totally stand by my answers. On occasion that 5 a.m. alarm goes off and I don’t want to get out of bed, but then I remember that everything is already done and getting out of bed seems less overwhelming than before. Though mornings have turned out to be much happier around Chez’ Wagner than I’d ever expected, I can’t help but wonder what you guys think…  
What is your biggest morning time waster/issue? What tips can you share? 
In addition to sharing your tips- (and PLEASE share, because I’m still a baby in all of this morning stuff!) I would love to encourage you to click here to and share a moment for your chance to win a $250 Visa gift card! 






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