the grandest of loves…

I wish I had known, even that morning, how grey the world would be without you there to pick up the other end of my phone call. i wish i had known, that Sunday afternoon, that my proclamation of love for you would have been my last.
That horrible Tuesday I saw how a mile long list of good intentions and excuses can instantly turn to twelve miles of sorry regret. I imagine the chance to see you one last time, to flood the apologies for never saying enough, doing enough or being enough.
It took death for me to see that it wasn’t ever that i couldn’t be enough for you as much as the truth that your eyes and your love believed more for me.
Maybe both of us struggled, with one another, when it came to intention and self expression…

At any rate, when that gift of another face to face one day comes- I hope I don’t crowd it with unnecessary apologies. You loved me. i hope to, instead, just rekindle my girl child heart with the flame of light in your eyes and take your hand in mine. For five long years you’ve been back with your husband and loving on my babies. Some days I can not wait to come join the party…

Save me a seat. thanks for loving me, always. I love you too, grandma…

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