Mae @ Rainydayinmay

At least there’s that…

Published on October 3, 2011December 16, 2020 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay6 Comments

As you have likely heard me whine about how sick I’ve been, since August, i thought about doing a numbers post today. You know, how many boxes of tissues I’ve gone through- how many dollars my medical visits/hospital trips add up to, etc… Funny? Possibly.

But I just don’t feel funny this morning.

First thing, this morning, on FB I was reminded that my friend’s mom is going in for a mastectomy this afternoon. Even though I went to bed knowing all of the same things that I woke up knowing, it occurred to me that life has been really heavy lately.

No, not tissue consumption, dragging illness heavy- but much bigger.

In the past few weeks alone I know of several people who unexpectedly died.

I know of three (THREE) teenagers who were killed in car accidents.

Two friends suffered miscarriages.

My friend’s little sister suffered a stroke due to AVM and has been downgraded (Praise God!) from critical condition to serious, though at first she wasn’t expected to make it at all.

So many heavy things…

Sure, maybe i was really miserable with my viral infection but really it pales significantly in comparison.

i have been reminded, a lot lately, of the lack of guarantees in our days. Though I dream (and pray for) of growing old with my husband- there is no promise that I will. As countless people around me have lost, or are facing the real possibility of losing loved ones i feel slapped in the face by my own possibilities…

While we suffered many miscarriages and my mom’s stroke (from a distance) we have been really fortunate to not go through anything like the loss of a child/spouse.

i know this is kinda heavy, and I’m sorry. Especially since my last post was a whine about Gen’s behavior. I guess I just need to reiterate for myself, as well as anyone else who might need reminding, that the two things are always certain:

the sun will always rise, (a fresh start/peace will come.)

the sun will always set, ( the hard days will come to a close.)

Maybe not forever, but even so…

Published on September 30, 2011January 17, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

I decided to take part in Five Minute Friday this morning. The theme is on Friends.

START.

Every summer camp camp fire ended in the same sweet and lulling song, Friends are friends forever…

But they aren’t.

Despite the pledges and lifelong plans made at the age of sixteen.

Despite the thousands of notes signed BFF.

Despite the shared heart necklaces.

And it’s a little sad.

It is sad, to me, that something as natural as friendship- something we NEED even- has to be so hard. And as we get older, things don’t seem to get any easier.

Few of us have good, true friends. Those of us who do could literally count those friends on one hand.

I am fortunate enough to be one of those people. Someone with a handful of good friends. Ironically they aren’t really friends with each other. We don’t travel together, in a pack. There are no weekend retreats, the lot of us. We, the handful of us, are spread out across the country.

Sometimes I want to feel sorry for myself about this.

Sometimes I actually do.

But the truth is, I am so lucky to have them.

My life is better and far more meaningful. My sadnesses are far less dark and ugly.

And I suspect that i too am better because of them.

Friends may not be friends forever. Some friendships may time out or expire but it’s the having the true, authentic love of a good friend at all that matters anyhow.

END.

if it isn’t one thing…

Published on September 30, 2011 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay8 Comments

Ugh!

Seriously… I just want to scream.

I know, I know… I come back from this month long blog challenge and my first post is this. I know. I’m sorry. I just, I have no idea what to do.

When the idea of homeschooling literally fell into my lap, it was two fold in reasons. 1.} Genny seemed to absorb more from the worst influences possible and execute her newfound abilities onto anyone in her way. things got ugly. 2.} The public school system here was admittedly lacking and it was not a good fit for her. We were already on the waiting list for her current school and so homeschooling until they called seemed like a good answer.

It just so happened that would be almost four years. And eventually, despite my reluctance, we came to such an amazing place homeschooling wise. Through lots of bumps and bruises we found a rhythm that worked for us- and we ALL thrived. But, like most homeschool moms, as Genny approached middle school I began to question if I could do it. Was I enough? And then, magically, her name was drawn from the waiting list and the problems were solved.

Except they aren’t…

School, day one found Genny worried about whether or not kids would like her. I know it’s dumb, but lots of 12 year olds wear make-up (I’m not for that, personally) and I compromised that it might help her feel better about herself SO we allowed colored lip gloss and eye shadow. She was abundantly grateful.

In a months time she has had detention, been caught in hundreds of lies (both at school and home), has been in multiple fights, has been responsible for the injury of a child, has gotten multiple F’s due to refusing to do an assignment… She has decided that shit is an appropriate word to be integrated into her vocabulary and that f*ck should be considered as well. She has gotten a boyfriend, lost a boyfriend, gotten another boyfriend and come home to tell us of a 13 year old student who is pregnant. Today we find out she is wearing thick make up at school and washing it off before she’s picked up.

Maybe it’s just that it’s like going from 0-60 in a micro second, but I just fear the path ahead. If she were 15 I’d feel like some of this is age appropriate, but she isn’t. She is 12. An emotionally immature 12, at that. When we talked to her tonight she made it clear that she will do what she wants, when she wants, and we can’t do anything about it.

I am so at a loss.

It all comes down to trust. Whenever she isn’t supervised she will do whatever the other kids are doing. {did I mention the girl who is pregnant?} She lacks good judgement. She wants to impress the other kids.

I have no idea where to go from here- what to do.

I seem to have misplace my parenting manual…

Help?!?!?!?

Full circle…

Published on September 29, 2011 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

We used to share everything.

Every joyful moment, every fear.

I am sad that it isn’t always like that. I am sad that it can’t be…

But…

I can’t tell you things, like I used to.

I can not allow myself to open up and reveal to you because you are pretty much not there to listen. At the same token, I feel less and less available to you, too.

More and more i hear the same contrived apologies and excuses.

More and more i hear empty promises about moving on from here.

but really, more and more only the same old thing occurs.

I never imagined that it would be like this, between us.

i never thought our circle would come to a close and stop, I always imagined us journeying together forever.

and in ways, I am sure we will.

Our lives are interwoven.

But for quite awhile now you are all about you, and that is something that simply hasn’t gotten any easier to face. I don’t exist beyond your needs.

And when I really, truly need you- you vanish.

Over the past few months I have really, truly needed you and you have been absent.

To tell the truth, I am beyond hurt.

We’ve had this talk before.

I won’t say it all again.

I am sad.

The constant rejection though, it isn’t really worth it. I’d rather just not have you, than have the empty promise of you.

I wish we could rewind and go back to when I could tell you everything, but let’s face it- you wouldn’t even hear me tell you this…

“bad” books, and why we need them…

Published on September 28, 2011 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

Dear V.C. Andrews/Andrew Neiderman,

Oh… But once a girl, was I, who cringed at the idea of reading a book for fun. Then, one day, a well intentioned adult decided to share one of your novels with me.

I was ten…

While, at thirty five, I still fancy myself an occasional “easy read” of one of your stories- I am sure most would agree that ten was a bit young.

That being said, I am glad she shared them…

Reflectively I have to admit that this very deed, of opening my eyes to the world of such books may have been the key thing that saved my life. Before V.C. Andrews books, (most of which is ghost written by Andrew Neiderman) it had never occurred to me that step fathers should not have sex, french kiss, or other similar things with their step children. This was my life, it was simply something that happened. I hated it, it terrified me, but what could I do about it? As far as I knew, every family’s closed doors hid this truth. I had no idea that adults could be complicated, and their odd actions could come off as jealous or abusive because they were simply hurting humans who had no idea how to deal. Before I dove into the your fictional world, I had no idea that there was anything good inside of me or that I could simply change my life and/or circumstances and yield completely different and safe results…

During the time, in my life, when these dawnings and realizations were rising in me- Heaven Casteel was my best friend. I lost myself in a series of books in such a way that I finally understood the possibility of seeing books as an escape. They were my escape.

My lifeline…

In more ways than one, your books changed my life. (another way being that i now adore books and love to read.) Once, many years ago, I was asked “why does such trash have to be written?”

I did take it a little personal…

When people stop making stupid decisions, like abusing or molesting their children- and when parents stop projecting their bitterness and disappointment on their growing children, therefore stunting them- maybe the world can settle down and read books about sunshine, sugar and poetry. In the meantime, i wish that people would stop insulting the possibility that someone might need a tragically twisted story about a young girl.

God knows that I did…