This year of letting go has been brutal.
I am left raw and bleeding, stripped away layers of love, of life, of skin and laid ready for something new. The new is hard, terrifying… I love the old, the old like you.
When I knew, to my core, that this year would be the one for letting go, I feared the most that the end result would be you. I feared this down deep to my soul, but that intuitive certainty seemed to whisper this truth.
Here, in the almost middle of the year-long-journey, I have already released my grip on so much.
So many habits, a friendship, crutches and dark things long gone now…
The thought of you too, as it grows clearer and clearer, makes me want to take back the whole plan.
I can’t do this.
I can not let you go…
And yet, as I loosen my grip a little, I realize I am the only one holding on anyway.
It is just my hand there, fingers clinging to your loose one.
You let go a long time ago, but then I wonder- scared to ask, had you ever held on at all?
To let go of the love means also letting go of the lies, which should seem like a good thing, shouldn’t it?
It does not.
The losing you part has never been a parcel of my bargain, and yet, it seems this is what it comes to anyhow.
I truly don’t know.
My chest is so tight from the fight to breathe, I want to kick and scream, to conquer your demons for you so that you can learn to love me again. Assuming, of course, you ever did. I used to believe it, but beneath the crafty way in which you seem, I am beginning to doubt that too.
I know, I can’t do that… I won’t even try. They are your demons to release or draw nearer, and they are what you’ve chosen. I am not.
I am not.
I will repeat the words until my insides cease throbbing.
I will stop allowing patterns to blanket me, which have only slowly ripped me apart.
You are yours now, you never claimed me.
In the deepest way possible, I am gone.
Entombed within this landscape I have woven- painting it beautiful so that you had somewhere safe and whole to belong- I cannot think about what comes next. Whatever it is, I know that the course of us changes forever, again.
Words meant for something spectacularly earth shattering, in the best ways- not like this.
I did not wish this, I did not want it.
I do not want it.
But you do not want me, so why hold on, anymore?
Good-bye being lied to,
Good-bye being lied about… (This will still happen, of course, you seem to know no other way of making it through a day, but perhaps this will finally not affect me like it always has before.)
Good-bye raised-fist-shattered moments and brutal words, spread like meat hooks, within the crevices of my mind.
Perhaps I’ll make it to the clouds, finally able to exhale…
Maybe instead I will struggle again, day in and out, never catching a break.
Either path it is, I guess is better than naked and lonely, splattered there on the ground.
8 thoughts on “Letting Go, a lament…”
Oh, dear brave Misty, I had to read this over and over…because there were too many tears in my heart to frame a response.
Nothing I say can be adequate, but this shines through – your dauntless courage in putting pen to paper, and describing this ordeal.
You have let so many women – and men, too – know that they are not alone.
For what it may be worth, I think you’re absolutely, completely awesome.
Thank you for your sweet words, Andrew. Seriously… It’s all complicated, and I want to whine and pout about it, but then I think about what you face daily and I know that I just can’t… Thank you for your encouragement and kindness, but also your incredible example of perseverance…
This is a nice post. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
If you have time, let me know what you think of mine – https://www.markmyworld.me/2018/06/13/lets-talk-about-depression/
You will find your breath, you already have found your courage. Once you let go, you can truly see what is now there for you, what has been waiting for you. Good luck sweet friend.
It’s a season… Seasons when we also have to deal with the complications of others can be so hard. Thank you for your encouragement!
“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a …and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace…..” Sometimes, especially the hardest times I have had to revert to familiar words of comfort and courage . Ecclesiastes =’s Wisdom literature and it’s at least that, perhaps more too.
No words to say for such a deep loss shared beautifully through written words. Only a big virtual hug sent your way and prayers sent your way as we all journey together!
Wow. Powerful. Prayers to you.