learning

Is it fair to say that February may have been the longest string of twenty-eight days in the history of man? I mean, that’s probably not true (a matter of perspective I can imagine) and also from a scientific standpoint probably makes no sense. All the same, from where I’m typing it would seem that February lasted 127 years and I am entering into the month of March to celebrate what would then be my 173rd birthday. (also, to be fair, I feel I have aged so much in these past few years that maybe I feel 173…)

If you’re some sort of rapid math genius then you may have assessed that I’m turning 46 in a handful of weeks. 46. I didn’t repeat it because this number freaks me out–on the contrary, I don’t even get what the big deal about age is anymore. I had my meltdown when I turned 25, and then my worst birthday ever when I turned 40. To be fair, they were all pretty crappy, for the most part, until that one.

No, I repeated “46” because it gave me pause to realize it has only been six years since that horror of a milestone day. Those six years have really dragged on, proving that time must not always “speed by” the older we get. I guess considering almost half of that time has been measured through the pandemic lens, and included the longest January ever, followed by the 127-year long month of February…

Listen, there are a lot of numbers in this post. Some are spelled out in an attempt to distract myself from the fact that if I look at these lines just right it will feel like a story problem from my fifth-grade math book. These numbers are stressing me out… Math is clearly not my thing. Even the appearance of math makes me antsy…

One thing I don’t take for granted is the appreciation I’ve gained for birthdays, my own included, and have traded in the decades of horrible ones for better ones since the disastrous 40th. I believe we are never too old to learn, which brings me to the actual (only slightly numerical) point of this post:

Things I learned in February…

Over the process of working with my publishing team and editor, I feel I’ve gained more and more confidence in my work–specifically my memoir.
While I wouldn’t say i learned how to watercolor, I did spend time playing with them and definitly feel less intimidated than I did before.
That there is an actual Carpe Diem day. It was February 26th. Not only is this special to me because Dead Poet’s Society has always been a favorite film of mine, but I also feel this matters because so often we choose to stay comfortable over daring to do things… As we sink farther and farther into that zone, we tend to achieve less and less. Seizing the day is something I hope I aspire to do–even when I really am turning 173. (to be clear, PLEASE GOD NO. I do not wish to live that long.)
Definitly since the start of this year, but continuing into February, I’ve been working on learning to embrace my creative desires and focus on “play over results.” In doing so, I’m trying several different mediums, looking at classes, and really enjoying myself.
In February I continued my education in embracing that I am a child of the moon. I restructured my entire schedule to observe the waxing and waning cycles of the moon’s phases and it was interesting. Due to things beyond my control, I won’t be able to observe these cycles as strictly in March, but I still plan to be intentional about them.
According to Google, one can tell an organic egg has gone bad when it floats in a bowl of water. I don’t know about all of that, but I did learn that if an egg smells really eggy, it is not good. Maybe this is baseless information and I’m full of it, I don’t know… but when Chw made scrambled eggs one day, and I (from an entirely different room) smelled a STRONG eggs smell the second he started, my stomach turned and I couldn’t eat them. A few days later, I went to fry up an egg for a bowl of ramen and the second I cracked the egg (the NO WHITES egg that sent horrified chills up my spine!) that same smell about knocked me back ten feet. I couldn’t eat the egg, (sad ramen). I replaced the entire batch and we had eggs over the weekend and I did not smell that smell or get nauseated. This may all be baseless information but I don’t care. If I ever smell that putrid scent again, I will not be eating the eggs…
HOWEVER, in my EGG-UCATION (ha!!! I know… Lame. But also, kind of funny…) I also learned that the brighter the yolk color the more natural and healthy the hen’s diet was, thus meaning the paler yolks are the less healthy.
I attending an amazing workshop and learned how to not only give myself an “energy massage”, but how to give one to someone else. Fascinating stuff!
I had my first King Cake… and listen, if people are binging on these before Lent, I understand the idea behind abstaining from sugar. WOW, that was the SWEETEST cake I’ve ever put in my mouth!
Even though there are increasingly terrible things happening in the world, as well as in many of our lives and the lives of our people, it is CRUCIAL that we honor and celebrate our good moments, small wins, and progress.

What I’ve learned in May is kind of a tricky topic. I feel it’s likely, on any given day, that I could have a varying degree of answers. One day I’d tell you that I learned to master the most amazing sandwich recipe, the next I’d cry into my sourdough bread and tell you how I’ve learned nothing and I’m a huge failure, doomed to repeat the same disastrous mistakes day after day.

I live with a fifteen year old girl, who is the barometer of our house. I’ve learned this.

I kind of, sort of, pretty much, definitely hate it. {learned that too.}

In all seriousness, it’s been a tough month. My instinct is to lay it all out for you and prove to you that I’m a failure as a wife, mother, writer and _________ (insert every other area here), but the truth is, I’ve learned the damage thinking such things can do. While yes, it has become painstakingly clear that I am not an awesome mom because apparently awesome moms have their stuff figured it by now, I have learned that I daily become more and more of the person I’m destined to be. Labeling all of my steps along this journey, until this moment, as failure only sounds spoiled and ungrateful.

I already knew I didn’t want to be that…

I’ve learned that love is patient. Most of us know that. It’s something ingrained into our brains and yet, I’m only really starting to understand what that truly means. I’ve learned that saying “no” to the stuff we should say no to is tough, and saying “yes” to the stuff we should agree to is even tougher. This realization hit me like a Mack truck to the face, and I still think it sucks, but something about knowing it helps me when I’m faced with the question and that’s a good thing.

I’ve learned that intentional dating is an awesome thing to do with my husband, but sometimes life is heavy and hard and we just need to escape and zone out at the movies together. Feeling guilty for that isn’t healthy.

I tried to learn to make fried chicken again. (the last time was 20 years ago.) I will not try again. I realize there is nothing healthy about fried chicken but I grew up on fried chicken picnics and Chw grew up on Sunday fried chicken dinners. Nostalgia inspired me to try it again. I did learn that I’m a really great cook, when it comes to some things, and fried chicken is not one of them. I am ok with this…

Regarding writing, and working from home, May has been quite an educational month. I’ve learned I work better when I’m working. Novel concept, (no pun intended) I know. It’s that simply, though, so I’ve begun scheduling my hours and it works like a dream. Because it’s the end of the school year oddness, a few things have been tweaked, but it’s been a pretty great and I’ve been more productive and taken more steps forward this month than I have in well over a year.

It all falls under the same lesson though, one I think that I’ve been learning since I was seven years old… That’s the lesson of grace. Grace for myself, grace for others… I’ll wake up and need to learn it again tomorrow. I think I’m stuck in my own version of Groundhog Day over here…