writing – Page 20

when beauty ate the beast…

Published on November 13, 2013November 12, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay3 Comments

Most of my best thoughts seem to occur when I’m either behind the wheel of a car, or in the shower. Why is this?

Yesterday afternoon, between my house and Gen’s school I’d written an extraordinary blog post in my brain and revised an extra difficult section of a chapter I’m working on. I was giddy with excitement when I looked around and noticed they had decorated our lovely downtown for Christmas, and this made my heart radiate even brighter with glee. Just then a large swarm of birds ascended from the grassy park to my left and I marveled at their elegance as they flew higher and higher, all working together.

By the time I was home I remembered the birds and the Christmas decor, plain as day, but not one single thing about the rest of it. It’s like a trap door slammed shut in my brain and now my brilliant thoughts are trapped inside the Arena, fighting for their lives- Tributes of their own plight.

Sorry. Like I said, I just finished Catching Fire, and I’m afraid until we see the movie next week, I’ll find it seeping itself into my daily life. Tune in tomorrow when I wear a single braid, down my back and Josh Hucherson shows up with loaves of warm, fresh bread… {All kidding aside, Genny would die.}

In the Hunger Games of my brain though, why is it the memory of the birds and the glee over the holiday decor that win out? Shouldn’t it be the brilliance and creativity? Truth be told, I am so frustrated! I feel like this happens more and more. {and more}

And so, brain tired and back sore, I close the lid of my laptop and snuggle with a blanket in front of the DVR, thus rewarding my brain with absolutely nothing…

in six words…

Published on September 17, 2013September 16, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay5 Comments

Last week Gen’s writing teacher assigned the class the task of writing a 6 word memoir. When she first told me about it, I thought she surely had heard the assignment wrong, but it turns out this is a real thing. All over the internet teens are posting their 6 word memoirs, like Twitter statuses. As a writer, I cringed at the ridiculousness and complete absurdity of some that are online, and rolled my eyes heartily at the same teens posting 10-20 of these “6 word memoirs” a day. Obviously the point is lost on them.

I will always love only you.

Even though you broke my heart.

We are entwined eternally 4ever, love.

No matter where you go, babe.

and on, and on…

Pretty much Twitter, under the guise of art.

Some of them though, some of them are amazing. Some of these kids sum up, in six words, truths about their lives that I’m not sure I could.

Honestly, I’ve been thinking about it for days…

As a writer, I take the idea of a memoir very seriously.

Something like Breathe. Focus. Click. Write. Remember. Love. Seems like an easy way out, even if it is true.

What is my life about? Who am I? What does it mean? What do I mean? What’s my life’s theme?

After days of stressing about something that wasn’t mine to stress over, (apparently anything to not work on my project! ha!) I think I’ve got it…

Once thrown away, now I embrace.

But I’m curious about people who know me in real life so I think I’ll be asking around… in the mean time…

Reasons why it’s been quiet around here, as of late…

Published on September 16, 2013September 16, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

– I’ve possibly been paralyzed with worry over what will happen to Jesse, and how Breaking Bad will end.

– We had dear friends from Idaho here, visiting, for a week. It was wonderful, but upon their return flight back, I caught a bug of homesickness.

– rainy days followed by heat advisories immediately then followed by 50 degree cold fronts are not friends of my fibromyalgia.

– I ~~did not have Showtime~~ was really busy when Homeland season 2 was on and so we’ve spent the last two weeks catching up, on Demand, to ready ourselves for Season 3. Suffice it to say, the amount of worry I’m feeling plagued with over the fictional characters of Brody & Carrie {and of course Jesse Pinkman and Walter White’s family from BB} are about to push me over the edge. Can we say “too emotionally involved?” Oy…

– I sent my youngest off to a real live life high school. No more homeschool for us. It’s been, well, an adventure, thus far. An adventure that inspires me to question what the cost is to retain both a hairdresser (grey coverage) and a massage therapist… Can they live with me?

– I’ve seen a few really great movies, a surprisingly great movie, a pretty good movie and so movie wise I can’t really complain too much… {Great= The Way Way Back; The Spectacular Now; Surprisingly Great: Austenland; And Pretty Good= The Family.}

– I lost my Kate Spade wallet, which had everything in it. I got it all back, and my faith in humanity was restored both BEFORE the wallet incident AND after… but it was still scary.

– We watched a car catch on fire outside a restaurant- and partially explode. (Same day as the great wallet loss/find)

– My mom found out that she has a degenerative disorder in her back and she is permanently wheel chair bound, leading our family to make some hard decisions in the near future… A lot to think about, for sure.

– My freshman daughter went to not one freshman event, but two. One, where a boy bought her a soda and spent the evening doting on her. She’s pretty much grounded until she’s 76, as she knows better. Such behavior is unacceptable. Soda accepting from boys? Inexcusable!

– I missed my very first PTA meeting, at the very real life high school, because I’m apparently really old and fell asleep on the couch at 6:40 in the evening.

– My favorite person ever won So You Think You Can Dance, which was unexpectedly AWESOME… My second favorite person EVER, did not. This pretty much sucked.

– I was on a crazy, unnecessary medication which was making me crazy sick, every day. I finally got off it last week and feel like I got my life back. Yay!

– I’m on a crazy stupid level in Candy Crush, which has caused me to question my reason for playing the dumb game and why I’ve devoted my time to over 300 levels in the first place since I will NEVER beat this level.

– I have a dozen or so books that I’m dying to read, right now.

– Right now I’m not reading much of anything. Boo.

– I wore a sweater out on a date with my husband the other night. It was pretty much awesome and made me happy.

– I have two online classes that I’m taking right now. I feel pretending they don’t exist is the worst course of action. *sigh*

– Mostly I’m trying to get my bearings and work out a routine. I haven’t been home alone since early 2007, and it’s flat out weird. Then, I worked about 32 hours a week from my home office for two different (local) companies. One was an ad agency and the other was a bigger company with their “hands” in lots of different types of cookie jars. Since 2007 I’ve consistently done something. Typically I did copywriting, or freelance for PR companies or other divisions of the entertainment industry. In 2008 I started a small Lifestyle Portrait business that did pretty well. Towards the end of 2011 though, we had a “family meeting” and I had to admit that I’d taken on too much. I was still freelancing for several entertainment outlets, photography was going strong, I was homeschooling and co-teaching through a local co-op and I was about 4 months into working on a novel. Nothing was really getting the attention it deserved, and I wasn’t really liking any of it. We decided to close the photography business after a wedding I’d booked in January. I felt so much peace about it. It had been a fun journey, but it hadn’t turned out at all like I’d imagined… I dropped most of my freelance accounts. We made the decision to no longer coop homeschool but to distance educate until we could find a suitable high school- and that the main focus (which is where my heart was really at) was the novel. AND HERE I AM… We took, together, all of the steps to get to this place. Not contributing (pretty much at all now) financially, is hard. It stresses me out. It makes me feel guilty…

– I’m feeling really guilty, and pathetic, and ridiculous when I do stupid things like leave my Kate Spade wallet on a bench. (it was worth revisiting twice.) I worked freaking hard for that wallet. A decade ago, i naively believed that when I’d made something of myself professionally, the purchasing of a “Kate Spade” bag (I LOVE her style!) Would symbolize success to me. Pretty much, it didn’t… Funny how, at the end of the day, it’s still just an overpriced handbag. (or wallet) but I certainly don’t want to lose it…

– mostly, I’m wandering around aimlessly. I wash some laundry, back some bread, write a note to stick in the mail, walk the dogs, check my email… Think to myself, this is a great time to finally start playing the cello! because, you know, I’ve always wanted to do that. But I have books unread, and a novel that’s written but in desperate need of being cleaned up… So I ignore it. I don’t know why. All summer long, I knew school would come so my time line was “the second full week of school!”

This is the second full week of school… It is here, today. Now. This minute…

And I just don’t even know where to begin. I feel kind of like that wallet is sitting there all alone on that bench, all over again. Everything important and vulnerable at risk, in the hands of someone else, because I was careless and left it there…

Why, hello there Inspiration… {and M & C Monday}

Published on April 29, 2013April 29, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay6 Comments

Slowly our little family is adapting to life in the midwest. Spring has finally peeked out, and the sunshine lifts my spirit. These are very good things.

My office too, is shaping up. After well over a month of feeling zero creative inspiration to unpack and decorate it, a talk with Chw paved the way for a rush of motivation and now we are well on our way. We’ve painted, arranged some furniture and hung a few things up. Progress… I have a self imposed work deadline that I need to start putting in about 30 hours a week on revisions, by May 13th, so that’s the office deadline too.

When done, I’ll share. :)

I did make my way into a lovely little shop called The Iron Grate, up in Fenton. If I hadn’t already been bitten by the inspiration bug, there would have been enough in this amazing shop to force me right into it. Sadly, I bought nothing, BUT I coveted everything so that counts, right? I WILL go back…

It was the sort of weekend one really wants all weekends to be like. Productive, restful, full of laughter and good talks. Of course, it’s life, so it had some ugly bits too. Ugly bits like some miserable person making it their life’s goal to personally attack you because- well, I haven’t quite figured that one out yet. Many tears were shed over the reality of this situation and then somehow I just got over it. There will be people who don’t cut it for us and my time and thoughts are better spent on people who matter. It doesn’t change the fact that I had a lovely, inspiring, and relevant weekend.

This week’s Mac & Cheese focus is less recipe and more review. I’d never had Fried Macaroni and Cheese bites before. Being the lover of Mac and Cheese that I am- it seemed only logical to try them.

Chw and Gen were with me, and since my dear husband has declared himself a fellow M & C quester, it was only natural that they try them too.

Consensus was that we aren’t fans. These particular bites came from California Pizza Kitchen.

While they didn’t disgust me, persay, I don’t think I would ever be willing to order Mac & Cheese that is fried again. Chw felt the same way. Gen, on the other hand, claimed she loved them. She is fourteen though- and enjoys feeling the passionate opposite to me from time to time, so I’m unsure of her actual vote.

I can’t pinpoint what I didn’t like exactly, except they felt wrong somehow and just didn’t taste like Macaroni & Cheese. It could be that I’m also not typically a fried food fan. Not sure.

Have you every had fried Mac & Cheese?

rainy day confessions…

Published on April 9, 2013April 9, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay11 Comments

I wrote this little book, you see.

The goal was to publish it, and after two years (nearly), move on to a few other projects mulling around in my brain.

But this book, this book just won’t get right. Of course, I hadn’t known even 2.5 months ago that I’d be moving across the country. Then I saw myself doing necessary rewrites and getting this thing done. Instead, I feel I am forty five (thousand) steps from where I should be. Now, whenever I think about it, I sort of feel all panicky and breath absent. And the thing is, I know of a handful of people around the web who have self published some of the most unedited books I’ve ever read. While this should serve to reassure me, it only adds to the pressure. Without a big house backing a book, are there populations of people who look down on self published authors as worthless or rejected? I mean, is it really any different than the independent music or film projects? One out of every 3 indie films is far superior to the majority of main stream released movies.

I likely shouldn’t feel as overwhelmed and incredibly inadequate as I do- yet with every passing day the pressure looms. Grows.

And I reread the book, and I love it. I am proud of it. It is personal and relevant. But not for everyone, and thats the part I do not like. The truth is, I want my book to be for everyone. I want everyone to love it, and by extension me.

And there you have it.

I have only ever had two people tell me my writing was awful. One of them had an opinion I placed far superior to all others, undeservedly. The other didn’t say it in so many words but still, I have to wonder- is it that I just couldn’t appeal to those two people, or am I surrounded by people who lied?

Oh, fear… Fear of failure, you are but a vicious foe.

I want my book to be beautiful. I want it to be some semblance of a poetic snapshot of life moments that can reach out and touch someone else. I want some small piece of the world to be better for it. I want to be better for it. This truth is when I realize, my book- the writing of my book and the publishing of said book- has to be for me.

I’d like to say that alleviates some of the pressure, and maybe it will. Not yet though, but soon. I hope.