rainy day confessions…
The goal was to publish it, and after two years (nearly), move on to a few other projects mulling around in my brain.
But this book, this book just won’t get right. Of course, I hadn’t known even 2.5 months ago that I’d be moving across the country. Then I saw myself doing necessary rewrites and getting this thing done. Instead, I feel I am forty five (thousand) steps from where I should be. Now, whenever I think about it, I sort of feel all panicky and breath absent. And the thing is, I know of a handful of people around the web who have self published some of the most unedited books I’ve ever read. While this should serve to reassure me, it only adds to the pressure. Without a big house backing a book, are there populations of people who look down on self published authors as worthless or rejected? I mean, is it really any different than the independent music or film projects? One out of every 3 indie films is far superior to the majority of main stream released movies.
I likely shouldn’t feel as overwhelmed and incredibly inadequate as I do- yet with every passing day the pressure looms. Grows.
And I reread the book, and I love it. I am proud of it. It is personal and relevant. But not for everyone, and thats the part I do not like. The truth is, I want my book to be for everyone. I want everyone to love it, and by extension me.
And there you have it.
I have only ever had two people tell me my writing was awful. One of them had an opinion I placed far superior to all others, undeservedly. The other didn’t say it in so many words but still, I have to wonder- is it that I just couldn’t appeal to those two people, or am I surrounded by people who lied?
Oh, fear… Fear of failure, you are but a vicious foe.
I want my book to be beautiful. I want it to be some semblance of a poetic snapshot of life moments that can reach out and touch someone else. I want some small piece of the world to be better for it. I want to be better for it. This truth is when I realize, my book- the writing of my book and the publishing of said book- has to be for me.
I’d like to say that alleviates some of the pressure, and maybe it will. Not yet though, but soon. I hope.