marriage – Page 29

Cruel intentions…

Published on July 16, 2014July 15, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

Daily it seems I grow more and more aware of how honorable my intentions are, and how significantly far I fall from that mark. I think on this, as I sit in a quiet house after being in noise and busy for nine long days. Some ten days before this moment I saw myself further, progressed beyond the same place I’ve stood, unfinished. There are always grand excuses. Traffic, noise, construction, illness… But what did I manage to do? Distraction.

Well, that’s not entirely true either. A little.

Chw had a business trip in the northwest suburbs of Chicago and since Gen is gone for the summer, I decided to tag along and accomplish some writing. I felt I could (professionally speaking) use the inspiration of a change of scenery, and I love the hotel environment. As an added bonus, despite both of our infinities for Chicago itself, we had the opportunity to go into the city on Friday night. On one side of the journey I imagined it all so different than it was, and it wasn’t bad. That’s not what I mean. I was simply, well… Life.

During the week we put some of the best food we have ever eaten, in our mouths. We had great conversation, we explored. It started out really great. At the hotel, during the daytime though, my time was less than productive as there was major construction going on. It did not matter what I tried, or where I went, I just could not seem to accomplish anything, so by Wednesday mid-morning I simply gave up and buried my nose in my kindle. Then, Wednesday evening Chw got sick, and since he seldom gets ill, things plummeted quickly. Our too-late-to-change-plans adventure into Chicago itself was a gigantic waste of stress, energy and money as everything we wanted to do while there (Taste of Chicago and Millenium Park) were made much less appealing by A.) how my poor husband felt, and B.) the torrential downpour we were in. It was hard not to be a little disappointed, but if we haven’t learned life is anything but what we expect, by now- then I need to start paying better attention.

Once again home, and back in my office, I’m reflecting at my planner, my to do lists and just realizing that there has to be another way. Something isn’t quite “connecting” between the inspiration to do something and then opportunity to actually do it. But what? What am I missing? Getting away didn’t help… And sure, I could say “yeah, but it wasn’t as great as I hoped it would be!” But it’s not like we can all afford to redo every vacation or trip that doesn’t go as we planned. It is what it is, it was not a bad trip. I love my husband and we had fun, before he became miserable. I got to spend quality time with my daughter and her soon-to-be step-sons. I got to see my dad and sister. I fell in love with the wonder that is bacon wrapped dates. I went to the most incredible movie theater ever. My husband bought me the best umbrella I’ve ever owned! (If you didn’t know, I love umbrellas) and I got to sleep in a luxurious room with the best view of the Sears tower. I’m “stuck” because something is stuck… And I’m starting to think it’s just because I allow it to be. Maybe this disconnect is less of a seasonal thing (like it may have started out) and is now more of a pattern.

yuck…

Hi! {Five}

Published on June 16, 2014July 7, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

Good morning…

How was your weekend? Mine was really weird. Lovely, and not lovely, and something altogether strange and wonderful. Gen flew, with some kids from her youth group, to Jamaica for the week. They will be doing some various service projects there. It’s all really exciting, and already I can’t wait to see pictures and hear her stories… As for us, we tried a cool not-so-local (for us) restaurant, saw a movie, did a little grocery shopping, watched fireworks, hit up the farmer’s market and just enjoyed hanging out together. It was a pretty big bummer to have her gone over Father’s Day, but we celebrated last weekend so it all worked out ok… My husband, in my book, is the absolute coolest guy to hang out with, so it was a rare joy to spend the weekend with just him. We joked about it being our empty nest preview…

Quite awhile ago, I was doing a superb job of listing out little weekly life gifts to add to my growing list, of which I was grateful for… And then some season, or other, of life became overwhelming and I tapered off. I want to start up again. I really love the focus of that, and maybe it will help me to be a more diligent blogger (again) as well… look for that at some point later this week.

I think five is a great number…

I thought I’d share with five awesome (to me) things to start your week out right…

SONG– I’ve never listened much to the Avett Brothers so I do realize this is an old song, but I just heard it for the first time on Friday and it touched my heart… Just lovely… November Blue.

SHARE– I love elephants and this video melts my heart.

SOMETHING I’M LOVING– These days I am really loving my magic bullet. We drink smoothies year round, but we’ve been amping up on them a bit. (we do 1/3 frozen fruit, 1/3 fresh fruit, 1/3 cup packed spinach leaves, 1/4 c. kefir, 1 T. flaxseed oil, 1 T. chia seeds & and fill to just below the rim with coconut or almond milk. (Gen likes a bit of stevia in hers) They come out perfect every time. AMAZING…)

SOMETHING I’M INTO– The Goodwife. I don’t even know how it happened. I absolutely adore both Josh Charles and Chris Noth and made the decision NOT to watch this show when it first began (and the 5 years years since) because I just didn’t want to get involved with a legal drama. And then, when all of the shock of JC’s departure from the show (whom I’ve absolutely loved since I was in high school and he was in Dead Poet’s Society), suddenly my interest became peaked. When I realized our cable service had the entire series ON DEMAND, I was hooked. Do you watch?

SOMETHING NEW (to me)– For awhile now, I’ve seen these services pop up where you can borrow handbags or accessories and I thought it was such a waste of money. And then, I found myself in the position of wearing more dresses and needing a big of a broader wardrobe without the budget for nicer quality clothing. Enter Gwynnie Bee. I’ll admit I was skeptical, but I think I may be warming up to it. I received my first box the other day and it was a fun experience. I might even say, I’m warming up to calling it a bit of a brilliant idea…

Is there anything you’d like to share from your week?

{Have you talked books in this month’s Twitterature post?}

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“You’re welcome…”

Published on June 11, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

One thing Chw and I have been spending a lot of our one-on-one conversations about, lately, is the fact that we aren’t perfect parents and we are ok with that. While that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t daily strive to be better parents, or better spouses (which in turn makes us better parents), the one thing which became blindingly clear to us in recent weeks is that it doesn’t matter to us whether our 15-year-old likes us or not.

I never imagined I would feel this way. I grew up in foster care and always knew that my kids would LOVE me and think I was absolutely the coolest mom ever. That’s just the way it was going to be. And now that I have a teenager who spews rage at me on a regular basis, just for fun, I’ve realized I don’t really want her approval. I’ve seen the things she prioritizes in her life, and some of the people she approves of or things she thinks are cool. These are categories I don’t want to fit into, but thanks. Incidentally, she also takes every opportunity to point out how disapproving she is of our parenting techniques…

Specifically she has screamed and thrown things because I am “verbally abusive” and she knows it for a fact because she has “asked her friends, and they confirmed what I do is abuse.” When I asked her what it is I do, she proceeds to point out things like:

– tell her when her zipper is down, or her pockets are sticking out. (when I asked if I do it discreetly she bursts into tears and says “yes, but I’m so tired of you tearing me down that way!” When she finished the dramatics I said “then why not let your obvious frustration motivate you to check your own zipper and pockets from time to time?” To which I received a hateful look and was called a profane name. alright then…)

– I scream at her. When we hashed this out, it turns out I scream at her to “stop” when she is hurling insults, back-talking, arguing and won’t stop. Her voice is far above ours and she is incredibly hateful and I will scream at her to “STOP!” When I asked her how, in this scenario, she wasn’t the verbally abusive one since she was the one hurling insults and saying cutting, hateful things while yelling at her parents, I get the “You would say that, wouldn’t you?” response and glare.

– We “nag” her. (By “nag” apparently it means we remind her over and over to chew with her mouth closed, give her warnings about behaving in school because the school called AGAIN, pick up her messes and stop back-talking.) How dare we!

So… When we repetitively point out that no, these are not abusive things, these things are called PARENTING, she will plummet into her 4 times a week rant about what an awful mom I am. Crappy to hear? sure. But a little comical too.

On one such recent festive occasion, (we are both so tired of these near daily events, sorry for not blogging more, my goodness is drained…) I just looked at her and said “Do you believe we need your validation or approval to get by? Do you honestly think we are just hoping you approve of our parenting?” She was shocked. I continued, “You are 15. Not only do you have no idea how to be a parent, you have no idea how to be an adult and you especially have no idea what we have been through or what it has been like along our parenting journey. When you have a decade of the experience we do, under your belt, I’ll value your input on my performance and what you have to say. Now? Now your opinion is based solely on your selfish whims and desires.” Did it solve the problem? Probably not, but it gave her food for thought.

She’s also always telling us her one friend “really likes us” or “was excited to see us.” It’s all lies and we couldn’t figure out why she kept telling us these things until these conversations between us started, so I added that to the mix. I said “And Gen, we don’t care if your friends approve of us or like us either. Your friend’s opinions of us mean absolutely nothing to us. I don’t need their acceptance or approval.”

This was an idea she could not comprehend, which felt awesome… And hopefully, also makes her think a little.

Awhile ago I read an article or something that said “when your teen hurts your feelings, they may not be aware of their actions. Articulate “thank you for hurting my feelings by _____________. That was really painful.” And maybe this will spur them to take responsibility for their actions. So, the other day she said something really awful to me and I tried it.

Her response? “You’re welcome,” Saccharine smile. Shocked, I texted my husband who couldn’t believe it. Later that night, he was home and the fun continue. She said something else and my knee-jerk reaction was “ouch, wow Gen, thanks.” And she did it again, “You’re welcome.” Sickeningly sweet smile…

A couple of hours after our talk about not needing her approval she said to me “I don’t like what you said. I think my opinion of the type of parents you are should matter more than even yours does. That makes me feel… I can’t even explain it.”

I smiled at her, “Like you aren’t in charge? Like you aren’t above us? Like we are the parents.”

She sighed.

I walked over and hugged her close and guess what I sincerely whispered in her ear?

You’re welcome… (someday she will be grateful, but we don’t need her to be. That’s another thing we’ve realized. Someday (I hope) her opinion will be different and she will get it.)

And someday she will have a teenager and I will laugh harder than I’ve ever laughed before, and maybe I’ll say it again, but that time just for fun:

You’re welcome!

hello June…

Published on June 1, 2014June 1, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

June is a pretty special month for me… Not only does it hold several very important birthdays, but it’s the official start of summer and that’s a great thing, right?

Me-

– An exciting new project that I can’t divulge too many details about, but you know what they say: my excitement is your excitement… {They say that, right?!?!}

– I joined a new summer book club and I am so excited! (Perhaps I should add overuse of the word exciting and any words derived from it. Yikes.) I’m hoping it will be a great experience and connect me with a few new gals in my area!

– I have some fun books between my night stand and my kindle that I’m looking forward to getting in to.

– have coffee/tea/social plans with a new friend.

– I have not done it in ages, but I really want to do a paper craft project, or two, this month.

Family–

– End of the year school program.

– sending our youngest off to Jamaica with a youth group team from our church, for a mission trip. {yikes!}

– we are (finally) going through the stuff we have stored in our garage, from our move, that we just don’t have room for.

– celebrating several birthdays of loved ones, even if from afar.

– having a belated Father’s Day since we won’t be able to be together for the calendar scheduled one.

– bike rides, evening walks and active weekends.

– summer movies, trip to the drive in, etc.

Food–

– I’m wanting to try some new, summery recipes in the kitchen.

– Mastering fontina cheese fondue. {Yum!}

– concentrating on more vegetables.

– Grilled dinners complete with deck dining.

– weeknight sun tea, fresh squeezed lemonade, weekend cocktails.

Home–

– I’m inspired to redo my photo ledges (and this has been an ongoing hope for months) but I can’t quite figure out what I want to do.

– we’ve had tragedy befall our dining room table recently so we will be taking on a creative, yet affordable redo in that area.

– My office has been a mess since our trip to Idaho. When I’m in here, it’s for a quick second or to rush through a work project. I need to organize and clean it.

Love–

– We have theater tickets to a Tony winning show that I’m really excited to see!

– We have a couple of other fun, intentional dates on the calendar for the month. Our intentional date challenge has been a really fun one!

{Image credits…}