You should totally see her, she’s a doll…

No wonder I always fail themed blog months. Apparently I have a very short attention span… While it’s been a cathartic journey/experience- I need a break. 
anyway, I had to interrupt the letters to let you know a few things… 
Like the fact that I am still sick. It is ridiculous, actually. Like, REALLY ridiculous. I am feeling better, (as of yesterday) which helps. Especially since I managed to find enough energy to go to the orchard and purchase a load of canning tomatoes, apples and peaches. My problem has been that every night when I would sip my codeine laced cough syrup- i would tell myself that tomorrow would be the day when i was better. 
I have been sick for 15 days, ya’ll. Really, really sick. 
anyway, facing the overwhelming reality of piles of produce- i had no choice. 
So, I dried apples, (seemed easier), canned tomatoes and canned peaches and peach butter… 
I feel accomplished. 
and exhausted. 
But I digress… 
We got a dog. that’s really the most important thing. A puppy, actually. A real, life, puppy. It’s only been three weeks since we had to put Makaila down, and while we miss her and were certain we’d have months in between her passing and a puppy commitment- things changed. 
Mostly Paisley. Every day, since Makaila has been gone, she’s grown more and more depressed. Nothing we could do would shake her funk. Then, we stumbled upon someone needing to get rid of puppies and they were a breed we could handle. All in all, the timing and everything aligned so we took the plunge. 
Or rather, Chw did. 
Makaila was his dog, and he made it clear a puppy was a FAR OFF possibility- if a possibility at all. 
But he met and fell head over heals in love with Emma. 
He adores her. 
And that makes me happy… 
We all love her, the little stinker- except Paisley. Go figure. It’s actually pretty annoying. 
Without further ado- meet Emma… 
{yes, she dumps her food out and carries the dish… stinker. And look at her sweet pink dotted nose. LOVE}
post signature

the grandest of loves…

I wish I had known, even that morning, how grey the world would be without you there to pick up the other end of my phone call. i wish i had known, that Sunday afternoon, that my proclamation of love for you would have been my last.
That horrible Tuesday I saw how a mile long list of good intentions and excuses can instantly turn to twelve miles of sorry regret. I imagine the chance to see you one last time, to flood the apologies for never saying enough, doing enough or being enough.
It took death for me to see that it wasn’t ever that i couldn’t be enough for you as much as the truth that your eyes and your love believed more for me.
Maybe both of us struggled, with one another, when it came to intention and self expression…

At any rate, when that gift of another face to face one day comes- I hope I don’t crowd it with unnecessary apologies. You loved me. i hope to, instead, just rekindle my girl child heart with the flame of light in your eyes and take your hand in mine. For five long years you’ve been back with your husband and loving on my babies. Some days I can not wait to come join the party…

Save me a seat. thanks for loving me, always. I love you too, grandma…

post signature

We don’t get to talk often…

Dearest Joy and Jennie, 
I am sorry that we don’t get to talk as often as I would like for us to. This adulthood gig is often a bit harder than I had once thought. It’s amazing how the early morning can dawn a brand new day with a fresh clean slate, and after three blinks and a whole lot of rushing- it’s past time for bed. 
How does that time warp happen? 
Despite not talking as often as I would like. Despite not seeing each other as often as I’d like- which, for the record, I’d like more than talking… I want you both to know I love you. 
I love you and I am always there for you. 
I love your kids… Your beautiful families. 
You are both beautiful mothers. I know this, even if I don’t talk to you as often as I’d like… Even if I barely get to see you. Your babies are so blessed to have your love… 
I love that my childhood is entwined with yours. For twelve years, before I was led to your doorstep, I begged God for a sister. Even then, as those childhood tears hit my pillow- God knew I would someday have three. While it is a horribly tragic thing that the world has to have children’s homes and foster care- there aren’t words to tell you how grateful I am, that my sad path led me to you. 
Thank you for sharing your amazing parents. 
Thank you for playing in the Holly Hobby kitchen, for remembering last lines in books (that I don’t even remember), for sharing a passion for 90’s flicks, and for being such beautiful, strong and amazing girls-turned-women. Thank you for opening your hearts to me still, beyond the CCR days. Thank you for loving my family and from the deepest depths of my soul thank you for keeping me in the loop and including me in the intimate and agonizing time surrounding the loss of mom. 
I am so proud of you both. 
Proud to know you. 
Proud to love you. 
Proud to call you my sisters…  
post signature

Maggie…

Dear Maggie, 
Oh this letter is all a swirl of things to say… It’s funny because I write to you all of the time, this should not be any different right? Well, except for the fact that it will be shared with the entire internet… 
When I took on this 30 days of letters challenge, I had no idea whom I would fill said 30 days with. None. When it came to today’s “internet friend” category, I was even more lost. Though I know it’s completely acceptable these days to go around making friends online- i don’t do it. I don’t really connect with others in forums or anything like that. Honestly, I wouldn’t even typically lump you under the internet friend umbrella. You are simply my friend Maggie. My husband and kids know you as my friend Maggie. Friendship really should be that simple. But, for arguments sake, I guess you are technically my internet friend. 99% of our friendship is woven over the internet. Plus, bonus: I get to write to/about you on my blog and let the whole world know how amazing you are. 
Because, you are pretty fantastically amazing, Maggie… 
How we even became friends, I don’t remember. Something to do with Myspace and writing…???… 
Anyway, whatever those details were- I am so incredibly grateful. 
Truly. 
I can not even tell you how many times your name has been scripted in my gratitude journal. I can’t. I can tell you though, that it’s a bunch. 
I love you, my friend. It has been such an honor to grow to call you my friend. Not my internet friend, but my actual friend… You have been such an honest support to me and words could NEVER convey what that has meant to me. We have shared sadness and frustrations and fears in a way that many couldn’t understand… and then on the brink of all of that- your amazingly beautiful little Evie came to be… And everything about her (and you, of course) just spews hope in my world. 
Not hope for the same things, (that would be impossible!) or baby things even- but simply hope for good things. Goodness. Your story- Evie’s story- is goodness… Goodness and beauty and light and love all bundled up in your gorgeous little girl. 
Thanks for sharing your journey with me. Thanks for sharing your life and your honesty with this girl who is just another girl on the internet. 
i love you,
post signature

Two halves…

Sher, 
You have cried to me, on more than one occasion, about how I refuse to call you my best friend. Try and try as I might, I can’t get you to grasp the fact that our sisterhood is so much bigger and deeper than any friendship could be. The lifetimes and volumes of interwoven history that we have is among the dearest treasures, in my life. Every laugh, every tear contains a spiritual DNA which bonds us together in a way that no one, or thing, could ever penetrate. 
Even my closest of friends have held but moments, while you were keeping my heart and secrets safe long before those moments were even dreamed into existence. 
I love you. 
I love your heart, I love your kindness, I love your sensitivity. 
I love YOU, sister… 
post signature