One…

I can’t even believe it, and yet- I absolutely can… 
Another month, another year. Fresh start. Fresh breath. 
Beginning… 
While I feel content, mostly… Perhaps not as much as i would hope but far more than i was before- i find fingers crossed and hopes high at this thing known as january one. 
first… first of something. 
first of everything. 
one. number one month, number one day to this newness that is not really anything very new at all- except for a clean calendar slate and well- let’s face it- we all know what the Mayans said about that… 
Leave it to me to get my junk figured out right before the timer dings… 
Oh well.
I don’t really subscribe to that anyway… 
Me– 
– I want, no scratch that… i NEED to read at least two books for me. Work aside… for me. I am a better me, a better woman and a far better writer when I read. 
– I need to create. i have a list of paper projects, gift projects and a few slightly more daring furniture projects to work towards. Wish me luck? 
– I plan to see. See the world through the lens of my canon. See films. See people. See life. 
– live life. 
– breathe. Through affirmations. through prayer. through yoga. through calming. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. {Please remind me, should I need it.} 
– and of course- the obvious: WRITE. I must write. there is no “like to” or option here. 
Capture– 
– bowls of soup
– new drink and the year’s first book
– icicles
– winter bundled children
– Kaileigh’s bday
– the tree
– Chw’s smooth newness
– our first meal, this year, as a family
– first snow of the year. (one way, or another)
– snuggles
Us– 
– back to educating… Bittersweet. I’ll look to sweet. I am blessed. I choose cherish. 
– We’ll think on Ecology and Conservation. 
– We’ll strive to manage. Manage time. Manage Money. Manage Goals and possessions. 
– We are starting a new allowance system. I’m excited. Gen’s excited. We’re all excited really. 
– Weekend away. 
– Family dinners. Conversing. Love. Support. 
– We delve into classic literature, again, together. 
– We step out and make friends. We try new things. We journey. We cherish. We breathe. {Must continue remembering…}
– focus locally. local shops. local restaurants. businesses owned by people, who work in love for real people. 
– community. outreach. volunteer. serve. 
Heart– 
– i forgive. Me. Others. Life. 2011. Me. Me. Me… Always me, me who damages the most. 
– breathe. 
– pray. 
– read. 
– love. 
– community. outreach. volunteer. serve. {rinse and repeat…}
– sleep. 
Home– 
– organize for schooling. Creative, practical and simple spaces. 
– stock up our tea supply. We’ve dwindled it down. 
– discard the excessive. 
– restock and organize pantry for better feeding of loved family.
– dance in the kitchen, laugh at the table. We need this, everyday. 
– cook together. 
– loosen the kitchen reins. 
Health
– no soda. none. I’ve done it before. I’m doing this again. 
– cut back on wheat. a lot. 
– swim. 
– move. move in ways which help me love myself, not in ways in which I dread. 
– sleep. 
– breathe. {this is feeling repetitive.}
Love– 
– hold hands. 
– respect him. Consciously. Authentically. 
– kiss. 
– cook for him. 
– fold his socks. {which i hate to do.} 
– date him, and when we are dating- see him genuinely. 
– listen to him. 
– listen to him breathe. 
– recognize, remember and respect that he needs him time too. not for work, not with us in tow. 
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Why hello, twenty-twelve…

Not much of a fan of resolutions, I do like to give each year a theme and make a list of goals. {2009 was Simplicity, 2010 was Happiness, 2011 was living Authentically…} 
If you’ve been reading here long, it probably won’t surprise you that my theme for 2012 is: 
Health
By health, of course, I mean body/spirit/mind/relationships… 
After spending an entire week off, with Chw and the girls (granted, Amanda had to work, but I didn’t- which was my point) i’ve been thinking a lot about my goals in the year to come. With one girl heading off for training  education and adventure- and another one entering her teens- 2012 is sure to be a WILD ride of a year… 
Me and my health
– Cut back on wheat significantly, if not entirely. 
– Be more proactive with my naturopath. 
– lose at least one pound per week. 
Personal
– read, at least, one book a month FOR ME… 
– spend quiet/personal/devotional time, daily. 
– learn new things. 
– proceed fearlessly. 
– act intentionally, in everything. 
Professional
– Put an ending to Liar, and edit it. 
– QUERY!!!
– Attend a Writer’s Conference. 
– Be more disciplined about clearly dividing my work-at-home time and my home time. 
Financial
– Pay down debt significantly. 
– Increase my contributions. 
– Give more, and regularly. 
– Spend more thoughtfully/justifiably. 
Marital
– Plan with, dream with, talk with, pray with Chw- weekly. 
– Retreat, for a weekend, over both anniversaries. (April and November) 
– Conscience, constant efforts to respect him. 
As a Mother
– laugh with. 
– pray for.
– once again, educate.
– make effort to bridge the distance gaps. 
– make the in-present moments matter. 
As for hopes, I really hope that 2012 holds- 
– a book deal, (of course)!
– a vacation. 
– time with all three of my kids, together, in one location. 
– 365 days of everyone in my family remaining safe in body, heart and mind.
– less hardship and struggles than the last 3 years have held, for our family and extended family.
Do you have goals, hopes and plans for the new year? 
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What I have read, and loved…

Between being a wife, a mom, sick for the second half of the year and staying pretty busy with freelancing and reading for work- I didn’t have a lot of personal time for reading… When I did find time, {like over the summer when I read some really horrible books for books club} I often found myself disappointed. This is my (sadly small) list of books that I loved this year… 

Alice Bliss by Laura Harrington {novel}

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp {memoir/Christian}

Dash and Lily’s book of dares by Rachel Cohn, David Levithan

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

The Magic Room by Jeffrey Zaslow

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You spin me…

Welcome to my life… 
Only maybe it spins a tad faster than that. OR, it just feels like it, when you’re on the inside looking out. Either way, I pretty much feel like I am going to throw up now. 
I would like for this to be the part where I say that I am proud to say we are once again a homeschooling family. Truth is though, I am not. I pretty much thing is sucks, to tell you the truth… But, at the end of the day above every other selfish and non-selfish station I hold in life- I am a mom. A mom who loves my kid enough to do what is best for her and allowing her to slowly self destruct is certainly not what was best for her. 
She’s pretty angry that it has come to this, but when she hugged me good night I couldn’t help like she seemed a little relieved. 
And maybe she is. it’s all a lot of pressure for a PTSD/RAD kid… How do you go through the day of 7th grade drama, cat fights and multiple teachers when inside you are just aching for EVERYONE to love you- as is? 
I want to scream at how it isn’t fair. How I had just hit a good stride, work wise and was getting to a good stride writing… the, I wanted to shout for joy a little. Less likely to have so many germs. 
I don’t know… There is a sweet simplicity to a home life. 
There are frustrations galore as well… 
but then I remind myself that we tried something, (something that I swore wouldn’t be a trial) and it didn’t work… no harm done- no looking back- JUST MOVING FORWARD. 
I am not scared, we’ve been here before… 
But I am not excited either. 
I love my daughter more than anything else- but these past few months I have grown to like her less and less. I hate to say that, but it’s true and everyone in this house agrees. 
Honestly, I’d be surprised if Genny herself didn’t agree too. I don’t thinking she much fancies who she’s become- but I think she felt she had no other choice. Hopefully we can fix that… 
In the meantime- round and round and round I go… 
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a touch of Christmas sadness…

i’m watching the Bishop’s Wife while catching up on some things computer related… Is it wrong that I want Cary Grant to win and I think her husband is a putz? Probably… Oh well. I don’t care. Cary Grant will ALWAYS win, in my book… 
Have I ever told you that for my golden birthday (28th) my husband threw me a 1950’s style Cary Grant dinner party? It was AMAZING! Truly incredible… One of the best nights of my life, for sure… 
My husband… He is quite the man. As sick as I have been, in the past 5 months, he really has been amazing to pick up the slack with pretty much NO HELP. He works tirelessly for a company that claims to notice, but doesn’t seem to. He gives and gives and gives and truly remains the nicest and most giving guy. 
My point is pretty much that my husband is my Christmas wish. That something good happens for him. Something really, really good. He deserves it. the last 4 years have been SO HARD on him and I see how much they’ve taken their toll on him. These days he is tired and my heart just breaks for him. It feels like nothing happens easily for him (especially where work is concerned- and as far as work goes- he’s been moved into the position of work consuming 95% of his energy/time) and I see him getting more and more ready to just give up a bit. I hate the thought of him being in the position…
in a lot of ways the Bishop’s Wife is making me think of that. Unlike her putz of a husband though, Chw is my leading man. Even if the angel of Cary Grant rang my door bell tomorrow- Chw is the one for me. I would express my heart for my husband though, and continue wishing that the corner to turn, is in site soon… 
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