journey – Page 80

Why she does what she does…

Published on December 4, 2012January 17, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay6 Comments

I get asked, from time to time, why I talk about movies “so much” on my blog. Honestly, between you and I, I don’t think I do talk about them all that much. I guess, in comparison to the big picture movies play in my day to day life- they aren’t mentioned that much.

Yesterday though, when I blogged about a Christmas movie we watched, as a family, I got the funniest email. It basically said that this person would love to read my blog more, if only I didn’t talk about movies non-stop-

I was enjoying this post from you, refreshed to see no mention of film and then there it was. You would celebrate the birth of Christ by sitting in front of a movie. What type of example are you, when you are more focused on mindless, pointless entertainment over the reel issues of the world?

Allow me to be catty for a micro second when I point out their use of the word REEL, over “real”, in the last line. Funny pun, no?

Notes like this kind of make me want to write about movies all day, every day, whether anyone reads my blog or not. Here’s the scoop, in case you don’t already know this:

I used to write about movies all day, every day. I used to interview real life movie stars, film directors, producers, screen writers… I used to do that. It was my job. I got into that line of work because I wanted to be a writer when I grew up, and because I really loved movies.

{note: I still love movies, but slightly less than I did in the beginning.}

Roughly 5 1/2 years ago, my biggest career goal was to become a member of the LAFCA.

I had a list of the 25 interviews I wanted to conduct before I died.

I did junket work in LA, Denver and Detroit.

I loved my job.

Best part was that I saw films MONTHS before they were released. Sometimes, I got to take my family. Sometimes my husband got the chance to attend really cool events for movies he loved. Sometimes my (then) little girl got to do really cool things like hug Anne Hathaway and then watch a movie just a few rows back from her. For well over 5 years, I didn’t have to pay to see a movie, and when I did- the cost was reimbursed.

Now? Now, I don’t miss it. I don’t miss the travel, I don’t miss the junket energy (though I really will come awards season, so please don’t send me hate mail.) and i really don’t miss the interviews. Interviews were nerve wracking. There was nothing about any of it that spoke peace and stillness to my spirit. And really, film reviews and interviews did not look anything like what I wanted my writing to look like.

I am not going to lie though, i do miss the early screenings, the free tickets and getting to make little dreams come true for my family.

I will never forget going to the movie with a friend, in the fall of ’07, just a month after I left my job. There was a baby in there and it ruined the whole experience for me. I had been so used to the screenings with other press members and their occasional friends/families.

I still love movies. I’ve learned that any industry can jade a person- and the entertainment industry certainly ruined things (like watching tv, movies and the production of music) for me. Ask my husband. I am not the best person to sit around and watch stuff with. Especially not when I have a remote, with a pause button, in hand. It’s ugly.

I think movies (and certain filmmakers especially) have the ability to reach into the heart of a person and really truly touch them. That’s an amazing thing. I think that life’s beauties and lessons can come from a film. (or a book, or a song, or a painting.) Sometimes movies offer an escape we desperately need. Sometimes movies are a great way to connect with others.

So, that’s why I talk about movies- they are what I know. They are what I love. I am no longer an actual critic, but I promise that won’t stop me from criticizing them. Ironically, if you feel like criticizing my blog content, please choose kindness… always.

An apology…

Published on November 29, 2012January 17, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay7 Comments

I became a wife in April, shortly after I turned 18. While other girls my age were in (or about to be in) college, going to parties and finding themselves, I was getting excited about things like grocery shopping and learning to cook.

Seriously, for me, this was fun.

We had negative amounts of money. I am not kidding. We were 18 and 20, and when we rented our own place (a crazy, dumpy trailer on an Ostrich farm) I had to grocery shop in a way that left us with something to eat every other day, and the majority of those days was Ramen.

As Christmas rolled around, no amount of debt or utility disconnection notices* could dampen my spirits. This was my first Christmas, as a wife. My first Christmas as an adult.

I was still discovering things, in the supermarket that made adulthood all the more exciting. My husband loved Double Stuff Oreos and so when I came across these white fudge Oreos, at the start of the Christmas season, I bought them to surprise him. While i had never been a big Oreo fan, we both felt like these amazing pieces of white chocolate heaven were THE Christmas treat.

We skipped a power bill payment to purchase 5 $5 cookie jars from a dollar store* and put a box of these cookies* in each one.

We honestly felt like we had created the most incredible $7 gift and were absolute geniuses! Each family, in our families, received a “classy” puppy or cow shaped cookie jar, complete with a package of white chocolate Oreos.

The underwhelmed response we received from parents, aunts and uncles caught us totally off guard.

Last week we made it to Target to choose a new coat for Genny. (crazy kid just won’t stop growing. Inconsiderate.) While there, hubby gasped with excitement over our stumbling into an endcap of these white fudge Oreos. They are such a nostalgia for us, and reminders of that horribly hard time when a box of silly cookies held true magic.

I forgot about them until last night when we were watching TiVo and Chw brought them out with a glass of milk. He bit into one, and handed me a second.

That damn cookie was one of the most unpleasant things my mouth has had to chew in years*. What was it exactly?

Gross…

And to those of you who received ugly cookie jars and nasty cardboard and crisco covered cookies those 18 years ago- from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry…

*We do pride ourselves on never having had a utility disconnected. Ever. Not that this is a bad thing, it’s a complete miracle, especially in those days. We have made some dumb mistakes, (yes, dumber than NOT paying our power bill to buy some cheap, lead paint cookie jars) we are blessed it was never worse.

*I haven’t set foot in a “dollar” store (of any type) in well over a decade.**

* There were seriously about 20-24 cookies in the package. It was 1994 and we paid $1.98 a package. Last week we paid $4 for a package of 12.

** I am totally not a snob. I don’t go to dollar stores because I am super anal about quality and i don’t buy a lot of excessive stuff. I have loads of awesome friends whom I respect that frequent dollar stores- I just don’t go. Please don’t hate me. I’m sorry. Here, Have a cookie. Wait. Nevermind…

The right stuff, baby…

Published on November 27, 2012January 17, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay10 Comments

It is nauseating the amount of pressure we put on ourselves, isn’t it?

It is almost like we realized, one day, that there was this imaginary set of guidelines that we had to comply with, in order to be a decent person.

Just this morning, since I had woken up early and Gen was still asleep, i decided to clear off my tivo. I don’t record a lot, but there are a few things that only I watch. As i turned the tv on, a surge of guilt chilled through me.

What if someone finds out you wake up in the mornings and turn the tv on?

The voice chiding me, from the back of my head, sneered in absolute judgement.

I knew, in that instant, that this voice visits me a lot, and motivates me to make choices other than what I had originally intended.

I just hadn’t ever realized it before.

Genny and i are reading a couple of books that talk about this very thing, our inner drive/desire/unrealistic-motivation to be “good girls”. You know, the sort of girl that does things so that people will like us, or so people (at the very least) won’t hate us. Mine is for women, and Gen’s book is for girls.

And apparently, it’s really sinking in.

Here’s the truth. I don’t wake up and turn the tv on. Ever. In fact, IF the tv turns on during the day at all, it’s in the late afternoon and that is usually by the thirteen year old, and even that is rare. But the point i am realizing is, WHO CARES? If you care, that’s your problem, not mine. I did spend the whole of last Sunday, on the couch in pajamas, watching Lifetime Christmas movies. Again, who cares. For dinner that night, my husband picked up McDonalds. Yet again, who cares?

{Well, that time, I did care. i mean, yuck. It doesn’t taste good and it has the nutritional value of laundry detergent… }

Side note aside though, I am realizing this heavy and intense pressure that I have just accepted, in all of these small ways. While I have made it a definitive habit to not pass judgement upon other women in the world, their looks, style or ambitions- what I have instead done is stuck myself in an analization room. Scrutiny and comparisons have taken place of things like confidence and security.

It all boils down to the fact that, by the standards I have convinced myself I must live by, there is no way I could ever amount to anything.

That is no way to live. Yet most of us girls do it. I am so thankful to be realizing this, and for Genny to be able to identify and personalize it, before she is 36 like me…

What pressures do you put on yourself to be a “good” girl?

$%#&*%$!!!

Published on November 26, 2012January 17, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

How was your Thanksgiving?

Was it lovely and family drama free?

I hope so…

I have talked a little bit, on here, about this adoption mess which has consumed pretty much our entire year. For the most part though, I have spared you the sordid, ugly details. One thing I didn’t mention was around the start of summer we made the very difficult decision (together) to cut ties with several family members. You see, the adoption ordeal was beyond traumatic and it opened out eyes to the select number of family members who are so self consumed that they:

– say completely heartless and inappropriate things;

– have hurt and/or rejected one, two or three of our kids consistently;

– refused to even make an ounce of effort to be there for us when we, as a family, desperately needed people.

Sidenote: flat out begging people to take notice and care, and them still refusing to look past the nose on their own face is the worst feeling ever. It breaks children’s hearts, it breaks siblings hearts. While nothing is unforgivable, unfortunately it is unforgettable.

Since that decision, there have been two majorly manipulative and dramatic displays of instance, regarding said “family” members, but for the most part we have had a peaceful, easy feeling when it came to our decision. We knew instantly, in regards to our kids, that it was not only the right decision, but incredibly long overdue.

And so, since we had our Premature Thanksgiving celebration, earlier in the month, we decided to treat the “real” Thanksgiving like a day of luxury and laziness. We didn’t cook. We did no chores. We watched movies and ate pie. Friends dropped by to eat more pie and it was perfect!

We had delicious things to eat, (I discovered a deliciously amazing snack that I will share with you one day!) we had plenty to drink and we even had extra whipped cream for the pie- should we run out.

We had thought of everything-

Well, except for the one problem we hadn’t counted on.

“Family”.

There were calls, and texts. There was meanness, manipulation and guilting.

It was pathetic.

Unfortunately, cutting ties with self consumed and toxic people will not insure a drama free holiday.

At least we know in time for Christmas! :)

Sticks and stones…

Published on November 20, 2012 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

During a particularly lonely and dark time, during high school, a friend’s mom took the effort to come visit me. She sat beside me, on my bed, and began pointing out the things about me that she thought were really great. It wasn’t that her effort felt plastic or false as much as nothing she said was new or impacting.
Nothing until she mentioned the knack I had for making a space.
I sat up a little straighter and took the courage to ask her what she meant.
She told me that the way I took a piece of fabric and saw what it could do for a window, really blew her away. She went on to point out my use of color, around my bedroom, in ways that she would have thought would look out of place, but really made the space great.

Up until that moment, I had always seen a room like a painter sees a blank canvas, and i had always worked with what I had, until i felt like that space of mine was perfect.

I still see this woman, though I am no longer really friends with her daughter, from time to time. We have an odd past complete with a pretty painful betrayal (hers) and several instances of pretty hurtful things. Despite that though, whenever I see her I do feel a twinge of gratitude.
She opened my eyes to something that I already loved about myself, but had never realized it was anything any different than anyone else had.
I had a gift, and she helped me embrace it.

Regardless of all the heart hurt, decades later, her words of good far outweigh the wicked.

A few years after that afternoon on my bed, I sat in an office with my two amazing older kids and their bio sister. The point of the meeting was establishing my interest in adopting them.
There were a lot of hurtful things said to those three kids, the worst of which being that someday i would adopt a child and they would realize that child deserved to be with me, unlike them.
Wicked words.
When Gen came along, I feared their resentment over those long ago spoken words, but that resentment never came. They loved her instantly, and Genny felt they hung the moon and stars. (And she still does.)

Sometimes we say things, or do things, that hurt others. We aren’t perfect, we certainly aren’t flawless. The mere idea that words can never hurt us, (or that ours can never hurt someone else) is ridiculous…
BUT- there is grace and beauty at work in the world.
I doubt that woman from twenty years ago even remembers that conversation, but i do. In so many ways, it sort of changed my life.
I doubt those words hurled at my kids, those twelve years ago, are even remembered by their spewer. They were said, and they still hang there in the dark closets of their hurting hearts, as well as mine, but they are powerless anymore because we have a pretty fantastic little family and thankfully, my kids have grasped the reality that I would do anything in my power for them because I love them more than my very own life.

I guess my point is that we aren’t limited to the bad or the ugly moments when we have said or done something stupid. Our good still touches others, or in the latter case, can drive people straight to beauty despite our words. More importantly though, without forgiveness none of the good would have been possible.