Category: journey

Hell-o…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay3 Comments

allergy_385x261Just when I’m feeling better, I get the start of a major migraine right before bed. Thinking I’ll sleep it off, I wake up mere hours later in the worst face/head pain I can imagine. Preferring (more than likely) the idea of someone stabbing me in the face repetitively- I have no choice but to realize this misery is sponsored by the joy that is seasonal allergies. What girl could be so lucky as to endure a severe, post pneumonia lung infection and an allergic mutiny within the same small time period? Apparently me. *insert feeble, minuscule, sarcastic YAY here*

Big shout out to my husband, who was there to stumble from bed in search of antihistamines, over the counter headache meds and an ice cold washcloth. I couldn’t have survived the half hour of increasing pressure/pain with him. Seriously, I couldn’t.

I have been regularly consuming local honey in an effort to thwart this hellishness, but either it’s not working as hoped OR it would have been a trillion times worse. Let’s be honest, if it were actually a trillion times worse, I would stab myself in the face repetatively.

In other news, I am absolutely obsessed with the Boston Marathon bombing case. I was glued to the manhunt, and am now an absolute glutton for anything that follows regarding charges, etc. Last night when my boyfriend was doing his CNN show, it was mentioned that the trial could be two years out and the reality of my obsession hit me square in the face: that’s a pretty big commitment if I plan to be exclusively seeing this news story on top of my romance with Anderson Cooper and my marriage. Something will have to go, and I don’t think it will be AC or my husband. Drats… The ironic thing is, I’m not a news watcher at all. If I turn the tv on, and my boyfriend’s show is on- I’ll likely get sucked in, but I rarely turn the tv on when Anderson is on so that’s maybe a twice a month rarity. Maybe. Things like this happen though, and suddenly I’m all about the “news”. I wondered, recently, what that says about me. Girl, too easily depressed by news, gets obsessed with national tragedy news and has to ween off slanted media news updates like recovering drug addict. Hmmm. Then, yesterday, in an effort to control my itching need to turn on CNN midday, I chose Pinterest. Seemed like a logical distraction, that is until I stumbled upon a friend’s post about the 10 skills needed to survive in a post collapse world. Two-thirds of the way through the list, panic set in and I realized I would die in this post collapse world {that is, according to this article, an absolute to happen and probably before I am 40}, and that there is very little I can do about it. Then I realized that familiar panic was the very reason why I don’t usually watch the news. I took deep breaths, asked myself WWACD? {What would Anderson Cooper do?} And I imagined him there, with his “Are you really serious right now?” Expression, all squinty eyed and glorious- and it was enough for me to regain my sanity/breath and move on. You can call it denial, I like the term hopeful. You know, God is bigger than the boogie man, type stuff. Only, in this case, replace boogie man with post collapse world. Breathe…

Speaking of breaths… My word for the year is Breathe. Isn’t it ironic? Though this is something I meant more figuratively- I feel someone (other than me, they never take me seriously) should have a chat with my sinuses, as they aren’t really heeding the instruction to breathe well… Figuratively, I’m doing pretty ok in that area. My crazy-busy, date book ruled schedule opened right up after the move, seeing as I have no friends or colleagues to schedule things with. I wonder WWACS? {What would Anderson Cooper Say?}

Hmmm…

 

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I love…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

Like anyone else, I love a lot of things. Especially, today, I love the Earth. I love the air and the sounds and the miracles that happen in and around the earth. Specifically, I love how the earth gives us water and crops and grows luxuriously green grass for me to pad my summer feet through. Of course there is more, but that’s what I’ve got first thing in the morning.

However, since we are on the topic of things I love, I thought I would share a little bit more…

Like, how much I love how sweet smelling and worn out my dogs are after they come home from an afternoon at the groomers.

I love a productive afternoon of working hard on stuff in the garage so we can be DONE with this move already, and then taking my girl to donate a car load of stuff at the Salvation Army and grab a milk shake for the ride home.

I love free birthday gifts from Sephora, just for being a member.

I love that my fourteen year old thinks it’s amazing to watch The Hunger Games (for the 4,000th time) on her iPod nano. All 2.5 inches of it.

I love washing my face first thing in the morning. It sets the tone for a day.

I love new books, and new book release Tuesdays. I love how the ones I’m most excited about are delivered magically to my Kindle at some time in the night.

I love the Monday morning sounds of the washing machine running and bird songs as their artists bask in rays of crisp sunshine.

I love making brown butter French toast a’lorange with Gen. We chat about things, and realize our moods are both up several levels, likely due to the bright blue sky and ginormously glowing orb it holds.

I also really, really, really love Macaroni & Cheese. One of my girlfriends and I pride ourselves on being adventurers on a quest for the world’s best ever Macaroni and Cheese. In the beginning, my husband thought that was just not a cool enough adventure for him, but as the years have progressed he too has grown a bit Mac ‘n’ Cheese obsessed. Every new restaurant, or every stumble upon a new Macaroni & Cheese recipe is like a taunting challenge, SO it only made sense to share those voyages with you. Welcome to Mac & Cheese Mondays, ya’ll…

To start, I thought I’d share Chw’s current favorite Mac’n’cheese recipe. It’s pretty great, just not my favorite, but I am an equal opportunity Mac & Cheese maker so it works out fine and everybody wins. (though, for the record, Gen’s favorite is also my favorite, so we kind of win just a little more!)

What you need… 

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2 c. of your favorite small, dried pasta.

1 c. shredded sharp cheddar

1/2 c. shredded ANY OTHER CHEESE YOU LOVE

1, 8oz package cream cheese

1 c. undiluted evaporated milk

1/2 c. grated (NOT DRIED) parmesan cheese

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Cook your pasta in boiling, generously salted water, according to your package directions. Drain, but don’t rinse.

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Combine, back in pot (BUT NOT ON HEAT) the pasta with the cheddar and other cheese (Not Parm.) and cream cheese. Stir until the cream cheese is melted.

Poor into casserole dish.

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Slowly stir in the milk, making sure to scrape the sides of the dish.

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Evenly sprinkle Parmesan on top

Bake between 25 and 30 minutes- or until desired golden browning on top.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chw’s Favorite Mac & Cheese

(Adapted from Beatrice Ojakangas Mac And Cheese To Beat The Box recipe)

2 c. of your favorite small, dried pasta.

1 c. shredded sharp cheddar

1/2 c. shredded ANY OTHER CHEESE YOU LOVE

1, 8oz package cream cheese

1 c. undiluted evaporated milk

1/2 c. grated (NOT DRIED) parmesan cheese

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Cook your pasta in boiling, generously salted water, according to your package directions. Drain, but don’t rinse.

Combine, back in pot (BUT NOT ON HEAT) the pasta with the cheddar and other cheese (Not Parm.) and cream cheese. Stir until the cream cheese is melted.

Poor into casserole dish.

Slowly stir in the milk, making sure to scrape the sides of the dish.

Evenly sprinkle Parmesan on top

Bake between 25 and 30 minutes- or until desired golden browning on top.

EAT!

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a bit of a deep, introspective blip…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

I’m trying to get a feel for writing in my new office. The window is different, the air is different. If I look closely I will notice that I am surrounded by some of the same things, but nothing really feels quite normal. It’s not bad, really. It’s just different, and I have never really been one for change.

Yesterday afternoon we were running errands in town and suddenly I was struck by the familiar sense of having driven down that exact road a few thousand times before. It was familiar. Familiar is typically good for people like me, us change-haters. Considering I lived back in Idaho for the past 6 years though, the familiar felt foreign. And yet, yet somehow it didn’t. The familiar almost belonged to me and suddenly, as I reflected on those six Northwestern years they seemed like a microscopic blip. It were as if the reality of being back here, in this Midwest Mitten state, hit me square in the head. It was hard to believe that six Christmases passed outside of here; hard to believe that birthdays and summers had as well…

And yet, it kind of wasn’t too.

Those six years were six hard years. HARD. We struggled more financially in those six years than before. I struggled more personally. I learned a lot of things in the Idaho chapter of my journey. Lessons in truth like:

– you really, truly can’t ever go “back”.

– your kids are worth whatever it takes to reach them. You will never regret a second of it.

– if living near family was painfully hard the first time around, going back won’t be any different. No matter how many promises are made, or how much you might romanticize the absence of it- if it sucked once, it WILL suck again.

– When you least expect it, you just might rekindle old friendships that you absolutely didn’t expect to. They will be there, beside you, through some amazing legs of your journey and you will be there through the most amazing one of their’s, and because of it your life will always be better.

– Jobs that sound more “peaceful” because they do not require travel, have the potential to actually be the exact opposite. As a result, your quality of life could dwindle. Significantly.

– You’ll lose friends you’ve had forever. I guess it’s inevitable, but still sad and sometimes very ugly to go through. You’ll also make new friends in equally unexpected ways. Some will be friendships for now, others will be friendships that you know in your core will last a lifetime.

– At least in my case I know that, though I’m better for the six years there, I am worse off too. Less patient, less kind. More tired, more cynical. Less healthy, much less happy, beyond far from the person I want to be- and let’s be honest- the person I maybe was those years ago.

So I’m here, in the last place I ever thought I’d be again, and I’m not sad.

I’m pretty glad. I’m pretty relieved.

But I have to remember I can’t go back. This is as much a fresh start as anything else.

I am different now.

Time to step out and start living, work on friendships, make new, heal…

Today…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay7 Comments

{My pretty fantabulous friend Jenni sets up posts like this every now and again. I’m feeling anything but original these days so I thought I’d crash her bullet point party and go that route…}

…I had tea and toast for breakfast. While this is true of most mornings, it’s been quite a struggle recently because they do not sell our beloved bread here and so we are trying (and failing) sandwiches and toast other ways.

…I had an amazingly ideal list of things to do. They were necessary and wonderful things that included things like finally getting to the end of unpacking our office; baking a batch of delicious muffins and sitting down to write a few handwritten notes. These things did not happen.

…I fought with my fourteen year old over being tired of nagging her to do things she knows to do. It’s true, world, I suck.

…I ignored the photos, from the weekend, that need to be blogged and categorized.

…I did light organizing.

…I touched base with my son, which is always awesome. Gen received her AWESOME birthday gifts from him. She’s been watching the mail, like a hawk, every day for weeks. International shipping is sometimes not our friend. At any rate, that boy is an AMAZING gift giver and she is one happy girl, for sure.

…We ate sweet potato chips and ice cream for dinner.

…When I could not watch CNN anymore, and my heart ached deafeningly over the Boston tragedy, I lost myself to pinterest and then watched rom-coms with Gen.

…I hugged her tight at bed time. She’s a precious, precious girl.

…hours passed by so slow and fast, all at the same time. The air pressure is doing a circus number on my head, for sure. Today someone was over for a bit and we discussed the overhead/sunshine differences between here and places like Idaho, Texas and California. You take the good, you take the bad and suddenly- well, you just have to look at the bright side. That’s what we have to do. That’s what I have to do. Life isn’t bad. Sometimes there are crazy, dark or overwhelming things- but our perspective is everything.

…I LOVE the Osbournes. Ozzy, Sharon, Jack, Kelly… I love them. Today when Ozzy announced that he’d “fallen off the wagon” and had been drinking and using again- but was 44 days sober and trying- I beamed for this celebrity man I admire. This moment right here is when the few ultra conservative friends I had, will decide I am not worth it and close the door on me. Ha ha. I am ok with that. I admire a man who is honest, and loves others with an honest and grateful passion. I learned a lot about parenting from them. Today I am reminded that I can learn a lot about life too. I may not have a drug or drinking problem, but it is always true that no matter how many times we fall on our faces- it’s getting up and being brave enough to try again that matters.

…was all in all, not an awful day personally. The Boston tragedy aside, of course. Some days are worse, others are better. I am better for today, or at least I hope so. That’s my introspective 10:17 p.m perspective anyway…

 

rainy day confessions…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay11 Comments

And what do you do?I wrote this little book, you see.

The goal was to publish it, and after two years (nearly), move on to  a few other projects mulling around in my brain.

But this book, this book just won’t get right. Of course, I hadn’t known even 2.5 months ago that I’d be moving across the country. Then I saw myself doing necessary rewrites and getting this thing done. Instead, I feel I am forty five (thousand) steps from where I should be. Now, whenever I think about it, I sort of feel all panicky and breath absent. And the thing is, I know of a handful of people around the web who have self published some of the most unedited books I’ve ever read. While this should serve to reassure me, it only adds to the pressure. Without a big house backing a book, are there populations of people who look down on self published authors as worthless or rejected? I mean, is it really any different than the independent music or film projects? One out of every 3 indie films is far superior to the majority of main stream released movies.

I likely shouldn’t feel as overwhelmed and incredibly inadequate as I do- yet with every passing day the pressure looms. Grows.

And I reread the book, and I love it. I am proud of it. It is personal and relevant. But not for everyone, and thats the part I do not like. The truth is, I want my book to be for everyone. I want everyone to love it, and by extension me.

And there you have it.

I have only ever had two people tell me my writing was awful. One of them had an opinion I placed far superior to all others, undeservedly. The other didn’t say it in so many words but still, I have to wonder- is it that I just couldn’t appeal to those two people, or am I surrounded by people who lied?

Oh, fear… Fear of failure, you are but a vicious foe.

I want my book to be beautiful. I want it to be some semblance of a poetic snapshot of life moments that can reach out and touch someone else. I want some small piece of the world to be better for it. I want to be better for it. This truth is when I realize, my book- the writing of my book and the publishing of said book- has to be for me.

I’d like to say that alleviates some of the pressure, and maybe it will. Not yet though, but soon. I hope.