Category: journey

in six words…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay5 Comments

PT-AJ837_MEMOIR_DV_20081007112335Last week Gen’s writing teacher assigned the class the task of writing a 6 word memoir. When she first told me about it, I thought she surely had heard the assignment wrong, but it turns out this is a real thing. All over the internet teens are posting their 6 word memoirs, like Twitter statuses. As a writer, I cringed at the ridiculousness and complete absurdity of some that are online, and rolled my eyes heartily at the same teens posting 10-20 of these “6 word memoirs” a day. Obviously the point is lost on them.

I will always love only you. 

Even though you broke my heart. 

We are entwined eternally 4ever, love. 

No matter where you go, babe. 

and on, and on…

Pretty much Twitter, under the guise of art.

Some of them though, some of them are amazing. Some of these kids sum up, in six words, truths about their lives that I’m not sure I could.

Honestly, I’ve been thinking about it for days…

As a writer, I take the idea of a memoir very seriously.

Something like Breathe. Focus. Click. Write. Remember. Love. Seems like an easy way out, even if it is true.

What is my life about? Who am I? What does it mean? What do I mean? What’s my life’s theme?

After days of stressing about something that wasn’t mine to stress over, (apparently anything to not work on my project! ha!) I think I’ve got it…

Once thrown away, now I embrace. 

But I’m curious about people who know me in real life so I think I’ll be asking around… in the mean time…

Reasons why it’s been quiet around here, as of late…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

IMG_9833– I’ve possibly been paralyzed with worry over what will happen to Jesse, and how Breaking Bad will end.

– We had dear friends from Idaho here, visiting, for a week. It was wonderful, but upon their return flight back, I caught a bug of homesickness.

– rainy days followed by heat advisories immediately then followed by 50 degree cold fronts are not friends of my fibromyalgia.

– I did not have Showtime was really busy when Homeland season 2 was on and so we’ve spent the last two weeks catching up, on Demand, to ready ourselves for Season 3. Suffice it to say, the amount of worry I’m feeling plagued with over the fictional characters of Brody & Carrie {and of course Jesse Pinkman and Walter White’s family from BB} are about to push me over the edge. Can we say “too emotionally involved?” Oy…

– I sent my youngest off to a real live life high school. No more homeschool for us. It’s been, well, an adventure, thus far. An adventure that inspires me to question what the cost is to retain both a hairdresser (grey coverage) and a massage therapist… Can they live with me?

– I’ve seen a few really great movies, a surprisingly great movie, a pretty good movie and so movie wise I can’t really complain too much… {Great= The Way Way Back; The Spectacular Now; Surprisingly Great: Austenland; And Pretty Good= The Family.}

– I lost my Kate Spade wallet, which had everything in it. I got it all back, and my faith in humanity was restored both BEFORE the wallet incident AND after… but it was still scary.

– We watched a car catch on fire outside a restaurant- and partially explode. (Same day as the great wallet loss/find)

– My mom found out that she has a degenerative disorder in her back and she is permanently wheel chair bound, leading our family to make some hard decisions in the near future… A lot to think about, for sure.

– My freshman daughter went to not one freshman event, but two. One, where a boy bought her a soda and spent the evening doting on her. She’s pretty much grounded until she’s 76, as she knows better. Such behavior is unacceptable. Soda accepting from boys? Inexcusable!

– I missed my very first PTA meeting, at the very real life high school, because I’m apparently really old and fell asleep on the couch at 6:40 in the evening.

– My favorite person ever won So You Think You Can Dance, which was unexpectedly AWESOME… My second favorite person EVER, did not. This pretty much sucked.

– I was on a crazy, unnecessary medication which was making me crazy sick, every day. I finally got off it last week and feel like I got my life back. Yay!

– I’m on a crazy stupid level in Candy Crush, which has caused me to question my reason for playing the dumb game and why I’ve devoted my time to over 300 levels in the first place since I will NEVER beat this level.

– I have a dozen or so books that I’m dying to read, right now.

– Right now I’m not reading much of anything. Boo.

– I wore a sweater out on a date with my husband the other night. It was pretty much awesome and made me happy.

– I have two online classes that I’m taking right now. I feel pretending they don’t exist is the worst course of action. *sigh*

– Mostly I’m trying to get my bearings and work out a routine. I haven’t been home alone since early 2007, and it’s flat out weird. Then, I worked about 32 hours a week from my home office for two different (local) companies. One was an ad agency and the other was a bigger company with their “hands” in lots of different types of cookie jars. Since 2007 I’ve consistently done something. Typically I did copywriting, or freelance for PR companies or other divisions of the entertainment industry. In 2008 I started a small Lifestyle Portrait business that did pretty well. Towards the end of 2011 though, we had a “family meeting” and I had to admit that I’d taken on too much. I was still freelancing for several entertainment outlets, photography was going strong, I was homeschooling and co-teaching through a local co-op and I was about 4 months into working on a novel. Nothing was really getting the attention it deserved, and I wasn’t really liking any of it. We decided to close the photography business after a wedding I’d booked in January. I felt so much peace about it. It had been a fun journey, but it hadn’t turned out at all like I’d imagined… I dropped most of my freelance accounts. We made the decision to no longer coop homeschool but to distance educate until we could find a suitable high school- and that the main focus (which is where my heart was really at) was the novel. AND HERE I AM… We took, together, all of the steps to get to this place. Not contributing (pretty much at all now) financially, is hard. It stresses me out. It makes me feel guilty…

– I’m feeling really guilty, and pathetic, and ridiculous when I do stupid things like leave my Kate Spade wallet on a bench. (it was worth revisiting twice.) I worked freaking hard for that wallet. A decade ago, i naively believed that when I’d made something of myself professionally, the purchasing of a “Kate Spade” bag (I LOVE her style!) Would symbolize success to me. Pretty much, it didn’t… Funny how, at the end of the day, it’s still just an overpriced handbag. (or wallet) but I certainly don’t want to lose it…

– mostly, I’m wandering around aimlessly. I wash some laundry, back some bread, write a note to stick in the mail, walk the dogs, check my email… Think to myself, this is a great time to finally start playing the cello! because, you know, I’ve always wanted to do that. But I have books unread, and a novel that’s written but in desperate need of being cleaned up… So I ignore it. I don’t know why. All summer long, I knew school would come so my time line was “the second full week of school!”

This is the second full week of school… It is here, today. Now. This minute…

And I just don’t even know where to begin. I feel kind of like that wallet is sitting there all alone on that bench, all over again. Everything important and vulnerable at risk, in the hands of someone else, because I was careless and left it there…

How do you care?

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay6 Comments

I am the absolute worst at a lot of things. My husband loves to joke that I’m super anal about the placement of specific things in the house, and I am. I’ll own up to it… I’m also the worst about starting a task/project and getting distracted, never to return to it. I’m the worst about talking on the phone, I hate it.

I am the absolute worst about a lot of things…

The top of the list, I’m learning, is self-care. Don’t get me wrong, this is not to be confused with taking care of myself. I eat healthy, drink tons of water, shower, etc. I’m talking self-care. You know, the advice we give a friend whose struggling and might need to decompress or heal. Yeah, that. From a very early (EARLY) age I was taught to take care of others, (that was my sole life’s purpose) and internally I learned that anything which didn’t fall into that category was selfish. As I went after my counseling degree I learned the vitality of self-care and encouraging clients to self-care, when I went into the field, but never practiced such things myself. Are you kidding? I couldn’t take such bold steps in selfishness…

Just in case you haven’t been reading here long, our family had a really rough 2011/2012 and by the end of it I found myself pretty deep in situational depression. I was just exhausted and beaten down. Come to find out, I had pretty much zero beneficial coping skills or an iota of how to take care of myself. On the same token, I had never really had anyone “take care” of me, because that was my job– to care for everyone else… pretty much I was all about the job security! *wink*

So yeah, things are a lot better now, but it’s a journey…

I was recently given a list of 218 Ways to Practice Self Care...

Technically speaking, I have a few issues with the list itself. Like, how “write a letter to someone”, “send a note to someone” and “write a letter” are all probably one item on the list and not three, but I digress. {or how “star gaze” and “Watch the stars” are probably just one item…}

Technicalities aside, there were a few things on the list that surprised me.

Rearrange a Room. Really?!?!?!? Well, I am the QUEEN of this one. I get a need that flares up and go crazy until a great portion of the house is different. So maybe I coped that way sometimes. I can tell you Chw pretty much didn’t see it as a healthy habit. Ha!

Surprise a child with a gift. Ok. I get it, but kind of don’t. While I see how this could make you feel good, I don’t know that it’s really “self-care”.

Study the issues/candidates/vote. Again, I don’t know. While several things on the list feel like they are reaching, this one really does. Is this important? Heck Yes! But if you are healing from abuse or trauma, this will not help your healing, or at least I don’t see how it will…

So, I really was inspired by some of these things on the list. I decided with school starting, this would be a good transition time to try to put some of them into practice. I thought I’d make a list and you guys can keep me accountable for how I’m doing… And by all means, if you have any self-care wisdoms/tips/etc- I’m all ears!

– Listen to more relaxing music.

– Relax more, outside.

– Read poetry out loud

– Breathe from my diaphragm

– stretch/yoga

– Do some worthwhile volunteer work

– Go to bed early

– Buy myself flowers

– Eat Breakfast in Bed

– Try a new word

– Enjoy nature

– Visit an art gallery

– Go on a picnic

– Do something to make the world a better place.

– Practice relaxation techniques

– Enter a Contest

– Have a tv less night a week. 

sharing gifts…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

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I read this book about a year and a half ago, I guess. I love this book.

Since then, I’ve danced between the ap on my iPhone and the journal I’m keeping, of my life gifts and gratitudes. Recently though, I came across Southern Gal Thoughts and I really loved how she incorporated her list into her blog. It might seem like one of those “DUH!” things, but for me it was almost revolutionary, so I decided I’m going to follow suit and start sharing my list. Because of the confusion going back and forth between the two other mediums though, I’m going to no longer use the Ap, and just pick up here where I’m at with the journal.

691.} waist high wild flowers behind our house.

692.} being so moved by artistic expression, tears streaming.

693.} early mornings when he’s home and I can reach across the bed, with my toes, and feel his warm foot.

694.} funny notes, with miss-spellings reminding me how full this life of mine is.

695.} the warm sesame bagel my sweet girl toasted for me, for breakfast, because she knew the morning was hard.

696.} the curve of my palm, around the steaming tea mug, warming and reminding me.

697.} the faithful belief, my dog has in me, each time she sets her ball in my lap.

698.} the watermelon layered fragrance of fresh-cut grass.

699.} Plum streaked pink skyline, fireflies dancing around my feet during an evening walk.

700.} The increasingly rare early morning with my fourteen year old, watching the sunrise and realizing what an amazing gift just that moment is.

701.} returned phone calls that ease the worry, even if it’s just for a minute or two.

a few hours more…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay5 Comments

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On Sunday we, as a church, were challenged to accept change. To crave change. There was more to it than that, but that is what sticks out in my mind two days later. Partly because I personally am not a supporter of Team Change and therefore change usually finds me dragging my feet, flailing my arms and crying like a baby. That’s the thing about change though, it doesn’t really matter if we like it, or if we’re ready for it, it happens anyway. 

Kids grow up. Leaves color. Temperatures warm and cool. The days shorten, the nights lengthen. Change happens and as cliché’ as it is true, life goes on. 

I stand on the precipice of change. When we moved here, those five months ago, I knew this. {And I mean personal change, not moving changes.} My husband and I have talked and talked, and talked about this. In small ways, these changes are starting. They happen. They are good things, scary things, but good ones. They require courage, as all good things should. Amidst the unsteady storms of changes in my own ship’s rocking sea though, fears get the better of me time and again. 

As much as I detest change, I should really loath fear. 

I’ve told this story before, but when I was fifteen I had a very vivid dream that I would never give birth to a baby, I would be divorced before I was twenty-five and I would die before my thirty-sixth birthday. At fifteen, thirty-six felt a lifetime away and hardly the most pressing of the three issues. When I was divorced at 23 and having a hysterectomy at 24, after seven miscarriages, I knew what was coming. I mean, how could I not? It sat there, FACT, in the back of my head. As that birthday drew closer, the knot in my gut grew larger, like a cancer of fear and all things bad. 

I’m 37. I am incredibly grateful. The approaching of my 36th birthday was one of the hardest journeys I’ve taken. I was really sick for about six months and both Chw and I were terrified of what it would lead to. And now that I’m past that horrible, fearful deadline, that fear had to have somewhere to go. It doesn’t just die with the lie that it grew within for so long. No, instead it becomes a new fear. Now, ever time something happens, this voice in the back of my head says “borrowed time, this is it.” So, several weeks ago when my doctor heard something wrong with my heart and ordered tests (the results I’ve been waiting 10 days for) that precipice of good change suddenly morphs into this breeding ground for potential fear induced possibilities… 

I read this morning, as I did my quiet time, about how God doesn’t need any permission or assistance to manipulate any situation when moving it to do what is best for us. How can I not take comfort in that? 

So that is where I am, this Tuesday morning… Embracing change. Good, or bad, I have a path and a journey…

Now, in about 45 minutes when I need another reminder or a great big slap upside the head? I guess we’ll see.