Category: journey

UFC…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

photo-1450849608880-6f787542c88aIf relationships had a UFC competition, I would win every time. The premise could make for a great reality show, except for the fact that after the first couple of episodes viewers would stop tuning in… why? Because I’d lose too and the same thing would happen every single week.

This is going to come across so much more pity party than it is. The fact is, I’ve had so much alone time lately to process through things, and this is all what I’ve realized as it continues to unfold in my actual life: I fight for the people I love. I pour love and effort into those relationships. I am easy to toss away. Roll credits…

My mom was quite possibly one of THE WORST mothers on the planet. She psychologically tortured me, sold me to a man sexually for money, successful made it so that as a small girl not only did she throw me away but she put such a wedge of distance between my family and I so that I lost everything… And even though, for the longest time I saw her true colors, I still loved her and wanted to be with her. When I was an adult and I had more power, I poured love and forgiveness and effort into my mother. I honestly believed if she would just open her eyes, her quality of life would change and we could both finally be happy. This of course never happened. The majority of our relationship was thousands of miles apart and up until near the end that made it easier… It reached a point though where her mission was to emotionally break me and turn everyone I loved against me.

My father left when my mom was pregnant. I grew up with his family telling me I was a bastard, deliberately making my childhood difficult and reminding me on a regular basis that he denied I was his because he was simply so disgusted to be my father. At nearly an adult I met my father and learned he has 4 other kids who he was an amazing father to, but if a relationship were to be maintained there all of the effort would have to be mine.

Two sets of people, after I was sent to live in a group home at twelve, “wanted me”. They asked my mom and my mother responded with “I don’t want her, but I don’t want anyone else to have her either.” And that was that, on they went with their lives.

In the middle of that there were a few deeply personal friendships, some more than others, that ended when they left and I was left scarred.

I married my husband younger than I should have and we were both pretty loaded down with personal baggage. After 5 years of marriage, 7 miscarriages, a grueling illness related to them, and one crushingly failed adoption- my husband had an affair with a woman who he delightfully pointed out “can have kids so I love her”, and then tried desperately (in a near psychotic episode of trying to “give me” to another man) to end our marriage. I forgave, I fought him to save our marriage but I was disposable to him.

A couple of years later, having gone through counseling and feeling the most emotionally healthy I’d ever been, I once again resumed the fight for our marriage and we reconciled, on his terms. Fourteen years, almost to the day, later, I was out. He was done and no longer wanted me, again. It didn’t matter if it hurt our family, it didn’t matter if I’d done nothing with my life but support him in his career and raise our family, often alone. None of that mattered because he was done. I’m sure you have noticed the theme there. And it’s not that he’s a bad guy. My husband is the best man I’ve ever known. I love redemption stories and he is my favorite of them.

I have never fought for anything like I fought for motherhood and my marriage. Having my family together is seriously the happiest times in my life and the only times I’ve ever felt like everything would be ok and it was worth it. And now, just with the snap of a finger, it’s done. I had been in therapy due to my mother and the end of her issues before I severed the relationship. Through that process I was encouraged to make an exit strategy, from my marriage. I was severely depressed and a heavy emphasis was put on my marriage because I was so depressed and my husband wasn’t really present or being supportive. It was constantly stressed that my environment was not healthy, which it wasn’t. It was an environment where I was responsible for everyone’s happiness and needs being met and I was left drained and dying, empty. My exit strategy was a long time away and I was such a mess emotionally, I believed my marriage would somehow work out but I wasn’t sure what I wanted. Life as it was then was one I would have died in. That entire way of life could have changed though, if he’d felt I was worth his time or physical effort. He didn’t and in the end, he decided me leaving was best for them.

Since I’ve been gone I have realized that several key relationships in my life rely on my effort in their lives or their need for me to do something for them. Without those things, there is virtually no relationship. I’ve distanced myself from those people, which is healthy and obviously they don’t care anyway. There is no consideration for me, no follow through and no effort for our relationship outside of mine. It’s a healthy distancing and considering how gapingly wounded I am from the loss of my life, (husband and family) they don’t really feel like much of anything.

My husband has stolen the motherhood I fought so hard to have, after such years of loss and agony. The relationship I went to hell and back for, with my 16-year-old is now that of a surface level pen-pal as I’m thousands of miles away and completely broke to try to fix it. He believes this is best for her, while he lives the life I designed and I’m completely alone with nothing I gave everything for. Aside from the fact that man has no idea what it means to sacrifice something or fight for anything if it isn’t career focussed, I am the great big loser…

My hindsight advice would be that if you are stuck in a dark depression, guard your heart and find someone to talk to who isn’t focussed on an agenda. When you are sick like that, and no one does anything for you while everyone depends on you- don’t make ANY major decisions until you feel better. Try and feel better. Take a break, get away for a while. No one is more impressionable than when they are desperate.

My advice to myself is that I am worth fighting for, even if no one else has ever thought so.

My heart screams and aches to fight to mend my beyond broken family and put it back together again, but it’s been made clear to me that I’m not worth the effort. And also IF he were interested in trying, which he isn’t, it would still be on HIS terms. History is a bitch, plain and simple. It repeats itself and cycles the hell out of you, until you just give up. I give up. I’m a pen-pal, not a mother. I’m soon to be an ex-wife, again. I am disposable to anyone and everyone and I’ll live with that. People love to say “you are so strong, stronger than you think.” I think it’s often said to bring them comfort, because I can honestly say it’s pretty hurtful for me to hear. Obviously those people don’t really pay attention to my life or live in my head. I am not. I am weak and the ironies are: that I fight for people I love and am not worth fighting for; and that I am the sort of person who grows stronger and more alive by my connections with people, but I don’t really get to have those. My loyalty is both a character strength and obviously larger weakness…

If my life became a reality show about someone fighting for people, it would be an example because no one has fought harder or sacrificed more for the people in their lives than I have. It would also tank with ratings because the episodes would always end with me in the ring and the other person looking me in the eye and saying “eh. I give up…” and walking away.

An honest answer…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

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After my last post I received a lot communication asking questions about where I am heading, what my dreams are, what personal clarity I’m reaching, etc. It may not be the most eloquent admission, but here are your answers…

I’ve joined the camp of believing this season of my life is ideal for self discovery. With the self discovery comes the realizations that, as uncomfortable as they may be, there is peace in them. I am personally a big fan of peace.

Among the things I am realizing about myself, my life and my feelings is the definition of a lie. Yesterday I had a nice conversation with a lovely lady about the disappointing trend of lip-service. Even after I left the discussion, this stayed with me. Whether one intends to deceive someone or not, if they have a habit of speaking things into existence but lack total follow through, they are telling lies. Intention is irrelevant. When someone tells me they are going to do something, they are also saying “You can count on me.” And after a time or two, once this is proven wrong, there isn’t much left to listen to. I do not trust easily, and I suspect that the older I get, I will trust less and less. I do know I have always been loyal to a fault, and this season is changing this as well. When you lose my trust, well, it’s gone.

I am also realizing I’ve lost all patience for the games people play. If we have a relationship, then it will be interactive and move forward. If that isn’t the case, I’m more than likely going to just move on. I don’t have time for anymore relationships where the other person’s actions indicate complete carelessness for my person or friendship. I thought I’d be sadder, should this day have ever come, but I’m not. I am surprising myself all of the time, apparently. I am relevant, even if only to myself.

I am having a hard time defining a dream to put into action, for my future. It’s murky, at best, when I try to figure it out. I know that I want to travel. I do not want to own a home. I want my dog. I will finish school. I plan to use at least part of my Esthetics journey blessing people who deserve it through charitable/ministry efforts. I want to move time at the ocean towards the top of my priority list. These are the things which make my heart feel hope filled. I am obviously not done working in some form of the entertainment industry, which surprised me. How this factors into my dream/goals I am unsure, but I dreamed about it all night. I have no desire at all to enter into another romantic relationship. This is the most concrete thing in my heart, and I feel great about that. Second to this is the growing realization that those who make me feel irrelevant or expect my relationship with them to revolve around the barometer of their moods and feelings will also not be worth my time. I have lived my whole life in a family where I did not really exist outside of their wants and needs. My marriage, for the most part, became this as well. I am done with those types of relationship. I have bent over backwards pouring unconditional love and effort for decades. This era is over. I may sound cold but I am so tired of existing only at the interest of others.

I know some of my “do’s” and I know my concrete “do not’s”. It’s not a bad starting point, moving forward. I can, today, define myself as a mother though not a very good one. I love fresh-cut flowers, movies, (especially indie films), books, good indie music, reimagined cover songs, Korean tv, and I connect with nature and people on very personal levels. When I say something, I will do it. If I can’t, I am personally motivated to make up for that failure.  I am stronger than I thought and would rather be alone than deal with any of the things I mentioned above.

I am not really reading much due to the screaming chaos in my brain, but I am listening to a collection of great tracks! So, a dream or life plan isn’t born yet, but there’s a timeline and direction established. It’s something…

I’ll say it once…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

Sometimes we may wake up in the morning and painfully remember, (and realize again) all at once that this actually is your life and these things actually are happening right now. If you’re anything like me, this happens when waking up from an unpleasant night of roughly ninety minutes of collected sleep moments- For the eighth night in a row. It has also been that many days since you emotionally fell apart, into a blubbering puddle, upon the departure of your husband and daughter, while you were babysitting your friend’s kids…

As abundantly pathetic as the above image may seem, these days I am realizing that it is alright… I mean, it’s kind of not ok that I can’t sleep, or that I spent 4 days vomiting uncontrollably while simultaneously laying in bed in a deep, dark depression. It IS ok that I acknowledge where I am at and then authentically plant my ass there. Is it pretty? No. Does it hurt? Immeasurably. If I’m really there though, may as well be present and honest about it.

Towards the late middle of last year I found myself overwhelmed and dealing with family issues, as well as completely separate friend issues. Both involved tremendously deep-rooted pain, abandonment and other multi-layered junk that I’d successfully buried and ignored for twenty plus years. My therapist accompanied me on my tailspin, often saying such reassuring Gems as “wow, I’m speechless. This is too much for one person to sift through.” The moral of this confession is that for the better part of my life, I haven’t been present long enough to grieve, mourn or deal with anything at all necessary so that I didn’t have some volumes of pain festering deep inside of me. I inched closer and closer, during this dark and overwhelming time, to needing to run. I escaped for a weekend, but it was absolutely the opposite of cathartic. And then, the day after returning home I had my escape plan handed to me by the immediate needs of a friend and my husband- who’d been patiently waiting for an excuse to walk me to the door. Maybe it could go without saying, but I didn’t quite process any of that either, until about the time they left for the plane, here two thousand miles from where our life and marriage lived, just last week.

When we began hashing through the “what the hell happened” scenario I was shocked to find his portrayal of a flat-out evil version of me. I acknowledged as I packed my bag that I’d be the bad guy. I’d be the abandoner of my child, I would be the evil wife who left her husband to pick up the pieces of what was left. Was I emotionally prepared to accept such responsibility? No way. It was my gift anyway. My gift to him, my gift to the world and apparently my gift to me- someone to blame. We love someone to blame… And no one wants to blame him for giving up on me, out of the blue, nearly three years ago. No one wants to blame him for growing complacent despite my pleading and pleading and pleading for something. No one has the right to an opinion but he, myself and our amazing kids- yet the world is full of opinion. I’ve been called a cheating whore by people who don’t know the first thing about anything. I have been unfriended on Facebook. I have been messaged a reprimand and called a harlot. Was I a perfect wife? No. Newsflash: no one is. The truth? I was a great wife. I faithfully loved and supported my husband through all of his bits of life that shut me out, until the day I left. When he decided I was not worth loving, I stood by him, hoping he’d change his mind. When I grew weary of that, I still went through the motions of loving, supporting and lifting him up. I was never unfaithful to my husband, and honestly I cannot fathom ever being in a relationship with another man. When this known as kind man unleashed my shortcomings on me, I held my own. I shed a light on the truth, that I was not perfect but I was not the one who turned my back on my spouse. I may have gotten in my car on November 23rd, but that man left a long time before that.

I also had a really good reason for coming west… Not that it’s anyone’s business. When my kids understand and are beyond supportive, I have to consider that all of the haters are just consumed with their own selfish misconceptions and it has nothing to do with me. Hate on, if you must. Have fun with that, and take a second to notice you’re the only one who is miserable because every day I’m getting a bit better. I have a dream, I have a plan, I have a purpose. All three of these involve becoming someone my kids can be proud of. All three of these involve being someone who touches the lives of others and makes the world a better place. None of them involve a man, unless my husband wakes up one day and decides to fight for something that actually matters…

This is about as publicly personal as I’ll get. It’s a little raw, true, but it’s as personal as I’m going to get. If your opinion actually matters, you’re already in the know… I wrote it maybe because it’s late, I’m tired and I need somewhere to send the ridiculous naysayers when they start spewing ignorant nonsense.

 

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

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January is full of such promise and yet I cannot find my way out of this undertow I’m stuck in. I cannot seem to catch my breath. When I manage sleep all I see are moments of the last 6 months and how my life has spiraled so far out of control. Every right thing decision that I made seemed to play its part and I knew it as it was happening. I actually lived a moment where I knew that my life would never be the same and that it was the beginning of the end. For awhile I convinced myself that it was an irrational fear nagging me, but I knew it wasn’t.

The amount of things I have had to attempt to process through over the past 6 months is more than my 30+ years before it. I have no idea how to be anymore, how to be today, how to be in this moment. I am beyond overwhelmed and truly do not know how to go on. A well-meaning friend says “this is when you rely on your family.” Another chimes in “Don’t be afraid to ask for help, love, support, hugs, whatever.” It’s amazing how simple things seem from the outside looking in. The translation of both of those things is “surely you have family like I do.” I don’t. and “just not from me, I’m busy with my husband and children right now.” Ouch. And call me crazy, but should someone (especially when they are already broken) really have to ask for those things? Since when did love stop being a verb?

Just when my eyes have all but swollen shut and it feels my heart is drained dry of tears, more flood to the surface.

I was called out, about a month ago, for being kind of a crappy person. It was said that I do things for others and create a place in their lives where people will need me so that I have people. It makes sense to me, though I’d never realized I did that before that conversation. I love in the way I want to be loved so I have tried to make myself valuable to the people who have had immense value to me. Apparently I’ve gone about it all wrong… It’s true though. Over the weeks since, I’ve thought a lot about the most important relationships in my life and in them I tend to make the majority of the effort. It’s a pattern I guess I created. This sums up my marriage, family and many close friendships. I can’t blame others for what I created, so instead I’ve stopped really making an effort and it’s not at all strange what has transpired… Nothing. If people need me, they rise up. If they don’t, I pretty much don’t exist. While this isn’t true for EVERY ONE, it’s the majority and again I can only blame myself.

I don’t know how to do today.

I have been going along forever really, handling everything on my own to ensure that I had a marriage, a family and a life to grow old in. Now I see that most of them were delusions… But still I wonder, which hurt less? The sitting in a Christmas Eve service with a husband a million miles away in his mind and a daughter who hates you, or sitting in a Christmas Eve service completely alone? The first hurts less, the latter is hell. I wish I had known that before hand. I feel like I’m feeling that a lot lately. There is comfort in the delusion.

I was called out by another friend, just the other day, about how she is alone too, and it sucks and basically welcome to her world. I totally deserved it. I wasn’t intending to minimize her situation as much as attempting clumsily to process mine. But it really is as simply as the first friend pointed out, I needed people to need me so that I felt value and worth because otherwise no one found me that way. People are great with the lip service and reassurances to the contrary but I’ve always valued the actions of others above their words and seldom do they align. I did it to myself.

When your life’s biggest fear- which is that if you stop pouring into the people you love, you will be disposable- comes true, then what?

I don’t know how to do today, but I don’t really have a choice.

Connect…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

hello, 2016…

If first impressions mean anything, than I suspect you and I won’t really get along too well. It is the first day of a new year, a blank slate, a fresh chapter- and I can honestly say I’ve not quite caught up yet. This place I’m playing peek a boo with, inside of my heart and mind, is not a good place to be. It is dark, desolate, isolating and in it I find myself pretty afraid. I fear that I’ve just cycled through too much these past forty-five days…

Is that possible?

One day I was on a track, complete with dreams and plans. While it’s true that some of those plans may have eventually led me to the very pedestal of isolation I currently find myself on, being separated from my husband and such, the journey would have been very different and found me significantly more prepared and at peace. I’m full of so many aches and questions and the last thing in the world that I need is a bouquet of assumptions, mocking and an empty corner. It is no secret that I do not do well with change under the best of circumstances. Over these past five weeks though, so much has happened so fast. I’ve sailed along, able to focus on the next big thing while praying I’d make it through unscathed. Each thing brought about a new wave of feeling, fears and emptiness… And now, now there isn’t a big wave to focus on. The water is calm, while the sky holds threat of severe storms approaching. In this metaphor I guess it would be accurate to assess that I’m stuck there, in the sea, alone.

I am far from unscathed…

My word for this new year is Connect.

Nearly three years ago I moved away from a cluster of well-developed friendships, some of which did not survive the relocation. In those three years I tried desperately to form friendships in an area where this task just proved more impossible than anything else. Now I’m home and reminded daily that you can’t go back. The solution, (vital, at this point) would be to connect with others. Old friends, new friends, people…

Prior to the great move East, of ’13, I was fairly connected to myself. I worked in my art and felt whole with such endeavors. In that time away I lost more and more of my ability to create. Connecting to myself, channeling inspiration and finding the journey my soul needs to go on does seem equally as vital.

Learning to connect with my kids, especially my youngest, from across so many miles, and not as someone’s other half, but as me, feels like an insurmountable challenge.

Connecting with an educational program which will lead to the need of connecting with a community to grow in my career… Connecting with things I’ve lost touch with… With me, in other ways than simply art and written word… Connecting with God, connecting with the beauty that exists every where I am- even when that where has me isolated at sea… Connecting my heart to the song of the sea, connecting my eyes to the miracles around me. Connecting my time to a new routine. Connecting my body to where it is now, and how it is now, and how it may never be my ideal- or anyones… Connecting my confidence to the line where someone else’s approval doesn’t mean anything.

Connect. Connecting. Connection.

Hello, 2016. I don’t know anything about anything other than the fact that I’m so isolated, I’m so alone, I’m so tired, I’m so parched, I’m so trying-not-to-be-terrified. I’m so dazed in my mind and so incredibly far from a place of peace… But I’m here. I’m present.