Category: journey

Letting go, a review…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

What feels like a lifetime ago, someone gave me advice which I have carried with me as the world transitioned from one year to the next, although to be honest I did not always succeed at applying it. This wisdom encouraged ignoring a list of lofty goals and ambitions for the year to come, and take a true and authentic inventory, on this last day of the year, of where you’re at. Once your task is complete, the next step was to pull out the page(s) you compiled from the year before and then ideally, to bask in the warmth of your accomplishes, growth and progress.

It feels pretty backwards from what our society promotes, regarding New Year behavior, doesn’t it? (in all fairness, I’d like to point out that this is the same collective voice which encourages us to “start new” each January, yet to also carry our baggage and chores re: Christmas, into the new year. I for one do NOT leave my Christmas stuff up because I already operate on this feeling that I am behind and unable to catch up on all that needs to be done so starting a new year off by intentionally leaving tasks to be completed seems self destructive…)

My DNA and enneagram have left me powerless when it comes to the task of writing lists. Therefore, while I can write out my annual assessment of my journey, I am always going to write a list of goals for the new year. They aren’t resolutions, and the certainly won’t all be done, but they operate as a sort of guide to my navigational system. The one thing I DO always do, is a Word of the Year. Though my posting here, this year, has been irregular, anyone who reads here will likely be aware that my “word” of 2018 has been LET GO. After the way words of previous years have taught me, I buckled up for a bumpy, likely brutal ride, and it has been that.

My Let Go journey has been a year of growth. As recently has two months ago I would have said it was a year of loss, but today I can truthfully say that I haven’t actually lost anything. Before I immerse this post into the deep end though, lets tread water and adjust to the temp in the shallow end…

This year I have:

  • drank more cups of coffee, by at least 1/3, than any year prior.
  • worked more, as a writer.
  • gone through more boxes of tissue than ever.
  • read more books than I have in years.
  • considered, beside my husband, relocating to nearly half the country, and realized I was pretty ok with anywhere, as long as his position/company changed. More than anything I just wanted my husband to be in a job where he was respected, encouraged, valued and considered.
  • Moved to, quite possibly, the one place I had never thought of.

There have been a lot of really fun things that happened this year too…

  • I met a TON of really cool people, in various ways.
  • I saw some awesome concerts.
  • I traveled, both with Chw and alone.
  • I explored and fell in love with our new home.
  • I spent quality time with my (adult) kids, though much less than I would have liked.
  • I started a podcast journey, which has connected me with some of the strongest and most inspirational women I’ve ever met.
  • I had a year of documenting moments with my Instax camera, instead of my phone. (I liked the intentionality of having to carry a bulky camera, invest in this film, only get one shot, etc.)
  • I played games, went wine tasting, explored new cities, saw movies, laughed and did so many more things with my good friends.

And some really hard things…

  • We moved into a tiny cottage (which we LOVE) and had to part with more possessions than I ever could have imagined. (in this way, Let Go took shape in ways I hadn’t expected.)
  • Thanks to some hardships which resulted in heavy, unexpected debts, we are two years into a five year program that results in more financial struggle than anything. While it feels like it is lasting a lifetime, throwing a relocation into the mix of that has been a daily challenge.
  • I lost a friendship that, had i imagined the loss would come, would have seemed devastating. For a minute it felt like it was going to be, but then the reach of her gossip and ugly behavior found it’s way to me and I realized it was more a growth pain than a loss one. Once I stepped further outside of that relationship I began to feel the weight of her negativity and constant criticism fall to the side. Good things do not always look like good things, but give them time and be willing to see the good.

So many years ago, someone who I believed was my very best friend got married. We had been friends since middle school, and were young adults at this point. Due to circumstances her wedding was quick. There were a few hours between where we each lived, and this was back in the day when handwritten letters or expensive long distance calls were the only way to maintain relationships over the miles. With a nearly non-existant support system, Chw and I were very young newlyweds making due with what we had, and barely doing so, at that. She and I had a few calls where she cried about spending a lot of time home alone, while her new husband went to school and work, and how she missed tv…

Her wedding reception was at her parents house, even farther from where I lived. Even so, this was my BEST friend… So, Chw, my sister and I loaded ourselves into the car and drove to this wedding reception. I came humbly with my pic’n’save gift, (although beautifully wrapped) in hand. It took us hours to drive to this event, and would take us hours to drive home. The trip, and even the cheap gift, beyond exceeded anything we could afford. My attitude to this truth was that it didn’t matter because this girl was my BEST FRIEND, and you love your people HARD and with action. (We also had out little, nothing speacial, yard sale tv in the back seat, because my friend needed a TV and I could go without.)

I barely saw her, for the 90 minutes we were at this reception where we knew pretty much no one. When I did see her, she asked about the tv I’d promised. When I lovingly assured her I had it, she told us to meet her at her apartment the next day. Of course I said yes, because this girl was my BEST FRIEND, and you love your people HARD and with action and all, even though there were hours between here and home and we were probably over drafted at the bank due to this little adventure… (which I realize isn’t anyone’s fault but mine. There’s a point to this story, sit tight!) We crashed with people we knew, closer to her apartment and it was all working out so well because I knew that I was a good friend, and I felt truly great about that… Fast forward to meeting my friend at her apartment…

Her apartment furnished with new furniture, her mountain of high end wedding gifts to the side. As my wonderful husband carried this heavy tv- (you know, back when tvs were not made of air) up to her third floor apartment, she giddily escorted us past all of the new and shiny (including their big screen tv in the living room) to her bedroom, where she’d cleared a spot for this tv.

There were no thank you’s, not for coming, not for anything really. The saddest thing about it all though, was when I chided myself for having hurt feelings because I am a good friend and that would be selfish. Don’t be a selfish friend, Misty! (No, we are not still friends. Our friendship died not long after that, when I realized the only one gaining anything in our friendship was her. She was also often asking for more…)

Pretty sad, isn’t it?

  • The biggest lesson of my Let Go journey is that, for as long as I can remember, THAT PATTERN has been in play. Love “my” people, and love them hard. Roll over and give them anything, regardless of whether it was a season of hardship or a season of blessing. I’ve seen this play out with my parents, with numerous friendships and in my own motherhood. While there is truth that relationships take sacrifice and selflessness, the consequences of a lifetime of this pattern are that I have enabled many people to not have to take me into consideration.
  • This was a painful thing to really see, and an overwhelming self-realization to face.

This journey has held so much more than what I have shared here, but this documents the just of it… Now, it’s time for me to go make a nurturing brunch and spend the day closing out this amazingly complex and yet beautiful year with this man I share a life with. I am so grateful for all of the good moments, and every single one of the bad. Also I am so grateful for each one of you reading this, supporting me and being along for the journey! Here’s to an amazing 2019, i am eager to see what it holds for each of us…

For the love of a good film…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

I have never been very into sports. Sometimes our American culture can seem so sports obsessed that my disinterest would almost feel like an unpatriotic act of rebellion, but it isn’t like that, I promise! While sports may not always be my thing, shouldn’t it really mean something when a sports movie touches my spirit in a profound way?

There have been films which have left me a weeping mess, such as the Blind Side. Although it could be considered a “sports movie” for me, the profoundness was more about the brokenness and love. Maybe it has little to do with sports at all, and I just get deeply immersed in the heart of what lies underneath. Creed was like that, for me. I went, begrudgingly, because I love Michael B. Jordan and I was stirred so deeply that I still think about this movie regularly, 3 years later. Within it I absorbed so much about courage and hope, during a season in my life which felt very void of those things… That is what makes movies truly special, really. They serve as these illustrations of the spirit we often need to step out in, wherever our own journeys have us. Sure, they entertain us, but the really good ones do something more. In the case of Creed, the threads of redemption, forgiveness, unconditional love and our mortality motivated me to fight for the life I wanted, regardless of those current circumstances. When my family and marriage were a total mess, I was reminded that it would not always look that way and I was not powerless. I will always be grateful for what this story represented.

In just a few days Adonis and Rocky will be here, once again in Creed II. Have you seen the trailer? It gives me chills every single time, I for one can’t wait!

About The Movie (Synopsis)

Life has become a balancing act for Adonis Creed. Between personal obligations and training for his next big fight, he is up against the challenge of his life. Facing an opponent with ties to his family’s past only intensifies his impending battle in the ring. Rocky Balboa is there by his side through it all and, together, Rocky and Adonis will confront their shared legacy, question what’s worth fighting for, and discover that nothing’s more important than family. Creed II is about going back to basics to rediscover what made you a champion in the first place, and remembering that, no matter where you go, you can’t escape your history.  The film releases in theaters on Wednesday, November 21.  #CreedII

What about you? Do you love sports movies? What is your favorite?

The gift of time…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Because gifts is my primary love language, I have many tinsel and twinkle light hued memories from childhood. Every Christmas was wrapped with a mysterious magic that I wore like a cloak as soon as my grandmother’s tree was up. The warmth that filled my spirit when those familiar ornaments found their destined branches, was unlike anything else I had known. Every single, child-like remembrance I have from my reel of Christmas’ past is fuzzy and happy and near to perfection.

While I have no gift that I remember as being so incredibly sentimental or touching, it almost seems as though every single gift which had held residence beneath my grandmother’s Ocotillo street Christmas tree became that very exact sort of present to me. Because they were Christmas gifts they became immersed with a better-than-Hallmark-movies sort of something. The best gifts when I look back, from those very best Christmases, were the ones that belonged more in tradition. In a childhood that was more dark and unpredictable, the very assurance that Christmas eve would hold dressing up, corsages, holiday vinyl albums on the stereo and fresh tamales in the kitchen. There were platters of crackers and spreads, and fruits with cheeses and so much love and laughter. I remember no other place in time that held as much love and laughter as my grandmother’s amber lit home on Christmas Eve.

One Christmas in particular,  my grandmother brought me up to open my annual “early gift”. It would have been roughly five or six because my grandfather was still alive. I tried to imagine what this square, wrapped jewel of a gift could be, but nothing came to me. I was consumed with the eagerness of needing the magic to last forever, and desperately wanting to know what treasure lie beneath the candy printed paper. The unwrapping revealed a very underwhelming Minnie Mouse watch. I had never had much of an affection either way, where Disney characters were concerned. I had never placed a watch (a face watch, no less, when all of the other 80’s kids were certainly wearing digital) on my list to Santa. All in all, at the time, the build up had felt much bigger than the actual gift.

The coming-to-terms-with the wrist accessory was accompanied by smiles on my grandfather’s beautiful face, and my grandmother telling me about responsibility, time management and big girl stuff.

While the intention may have been that I would have marched forth, from that annual tradition, feeling empowered and ready to grow into the next phase of my adolescence and what lay ahead, instead I left super disappointed and questioning the “magic” of Christmas at all.

I never did fall in love with that watch. I tossed into the mountains of junk in my room and it moved around with toys and other things I never took care of. When I would come upon it, I would feel pricked with the familiar, settling shame. I should have loved it. After my grandfather died, whenever the watch and I crossed paths, I would find my mind flooded with the shining memory of his loving, smiling face. This, naturally, did not help the guilt residing comfortably inside of me.

I don’t know what happened to that watch, eventually we stopped crossing paths at all. When I moved into foster care, at twelve, very few of my things went with me. I never did forget that watch, or the real gifts that were given that early December night- gifts which took me years to truly unwrap…

I love Mickey AND Minnie Mouse.

I love watches. In fact, I love clocks, period. I feel that watches and clocks are among the most intentional, beautiful and sentimental gifts imaginable. They are the closest we can get to giving someone the gift we all truly ache for: time. Time together, time to grow, time to simmer in our circumstances and allow our flavor to truly develop. That little watch, (which likely wasn’t nearly as expensive or fancy as my memory has carved it out to be) did give me all of that and so much more.

I LOVE organization and time management. I believe in being early and I really struggle with being late. I value timeliness in others.

Best of all, I have this beautiful memory of these two beloved faces, warm hands and full embraces. As an adult, I also have the perspective of why adults give gifts to children, and how that works. To a kid, it is almost always just stuff. To my grandparents, they intentionally pulled me aside and created a moment to give me something bigger than a timepiece. Maybe they knew my grandfather would die. Maybe they knew my life at home was blanketed in unspeakable evil and this was how they shared it as temporary. I will never know, because they are both gone now, but to me I learned so much (eventually) about holding tight to moments and time, to the smiling warmth of the ones I love.

My beautiful gift to you, today, is a video of this hauntingly beautiful song by Andrea and Matteo Bocelli (From the major motion picture the Nutcracker and the Four Realms.)

All Clara (Mackenzie Foy) wants is a key – a one-of-a-kind key that will unlock a box that holds a priceless gift. A golden thread, presented to her at godfather Drosselmeyer’s (Morgan Freeman) annual holiday party, leads her to the coveted key—which promptly disappears into a strange and mysterious parallel world. It’s there that Clara encounters a soldier named Phillip (Jayden Fowora-Knight), a gang of mice and the regents who preside over three Realms: Land of Snowflakes, Land of Flowers and Land of Sweets. Clara and Phillip must brave the ominous Fourth Realm, home to the tyrant Mother Ginger (Helen Mirren), to retrieve Clara’s key and hopefully return harmony to the unstable world. Starring Keira Knightley as the Sugar Plum Fairy, Disney’s new holiday feature film “The Nutcracker and the Four Realms” is directed by Lasse Hallström and Joe Johnston, and inspired by E.T.A. Hoffmann’s classic tale.  “The Nutcracker and the Four Realms” releases in theaters on November 2.

For more information, please go to:  https://movies.disney.com/the-nutcracker-and-the-four-realms

Desperately seeking Dobby…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

This Tuesday morning sunrise has me deep in contemplative thought…

As a 42-year-old woman, I have come to certain places within myself. There are things I must sometimes say, do or accept that I never could have mustered the capabilities of several years ago. There are also certain things which, twenty years ago seemed more attainable. Of the latter, I’m speaking of motivation and energy. (sidenote: also- Olive Garden. Twenty years ago this was though to be a fine dining establishment… It is things such as this which keep my grounded in gratitude for my forties and the realizations that come with such an age.)

My one and a half cups of coffee are gone now and I sit questioning if I should brew more or take my chances on energy and motivation coming from somewhere else. I mean, let’s be honest- coffee is delicious and does a great job at making the brain kick-start a morning, but it is not really the source of solid energy or motivation. At best, it’s an aid.

I’ve lost my motivation, and it seems all forms of energy have run away with it. Briefly I considered designing a telephone-pole-flyer seeking it’s return, but that sounded absolutely exhausting so I have instead decided to adapt to living without it. (obviously I’m kidding… I can’t live without it. Whoever took my motivation, I NEED it back! I know someone helped them leave, or abducted them. I don’t even care, I’ll look the other way and not pursue any legal action, I just want them safely home.)

Truthfully, I imagine it is a combination of moving, autumn, unusually warm weather for the season, moving and then when you factor in that I am 42 and just moved… My body and brain might be communicating a need for respite, (see: FORTY TWO)  Here’s the thing about respite though- I have deadlines. Respite simply cannot be scheduled until late spring or early next summer. My brain/body/nervous system will just have to put on their patience-pants and deal.

Tomorrow is the day when the Collective Podcast is back, with new episodes, and I am so excited! We’ve been working to connect our community of listeners with even more great women with journeys to share! This little growth-passion project has become something very special. I remember the early stages, where I desperately prayed for a companion to aid in the making of something, and now I have a network of amazing women who not only bravely share their stories, but passionately want to help and touch the lives of others! It’s humbling and beautiful. If you listen, thank you for that! There is no competition here, there is room for everyone. In this climate of womanhood, we have a real need for connection and The Collective has been a beautiful instrument of such!

When the essential oils, coffee, fresh-pressed-juices, walks on the beach and gentle stretching don’t do it- I’m wondering what you do to harness motivation? If you have brilliant (or even simple) tips, I’d love to hear them. As I mentioned, I have these little nagging deadlines (ok, not so little) and I welcome any/all help. Back to the topic of being my age, and coming into certain things about myself. One of the biggest ones has been knowing how to acknowledge what my needs are and then learning how to ask for them. That being said, in addition to needing any and all suggestions you may have, there is one other thing I desperately need…

I need a house elf. If you know how one can acquire such a gift, I’d love in. Is there perhaps a co-operative? A catalog service? Staffing agency? (I’m not talking about downplaying any forms of slavery, (I’m no Kanye) I will pay my own Dobby well. I happen to have a KNACK for finding great socks! Ask Elenor, she steals them all the time.)The truth is, I adore this little cottage we live in to such an extreme place deep within my soul, that I almost feel like I waited my entire adulthood to find this home. That being said, it is a cozy, little cottage. While it is super easy to clean, it also seems to get “dirty” quicker. (to clarify, I mean: lived in... It looks lived in. It also looks like we have a golden retriever, and to take it a step further, it looks like we have no house elf. I’m sure you get the picture.) While there are just the two of us (and Elenor, but she is naked most of the time) the laundry builds up more than before because our tiny little washing machine is sock sized. (as in, singular sock, not a pair) It is all so wonderfully maintainable, but is also beginning to feel like it might require more time to maintain. A house elf would fit in quite naturally and may agree to throw the ball for Elenor every now and again, while simultaneously keeping her out of the socks. Everyone wins.

(One last thing… central vacuuming for leaves. Where they are just instantly sucked into the earth. Is this a thing?)

Summertime madness…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay3 Comments

On the first day of summer, I woke up and poured my coffee like normal.

I washed my face, responded to a few emails and texts… It was a pretty average day.

Quiet.

My two dogs, Emma and Elenor, continued to remain civil yet distant. There was nothing which stood out as extraordinary.

On the first day of autumn, I woke up and poured my coffee, just like the beginning of the seasons which fell before.

In a new home. (well, new to us anyway)

In a different state.

With only one dog, the other having left this world.

At forty-two years old, I am no stranger to how quickly things can change, and yet this particular reflection has me overwhelmed by the truth growing there.

Hello, from Pennsylvania!

I missed Emily’s link up, but I’m sharing anyway because the reflection is good for the soul. (You can ask anyone I talk to regularly, I am so out-of-sorts and behind!)

So, in that sunny season, what did my life have me learning?

1.) I am capable, but just because I can doesn’t mean I should… 

This move was hard. The hardest we’ve had. I had to challenge my physical capabilities on an almost constant basis, which created all forms of other complications. My health and chronic garbage aside, I found I was far more able than I realized. I also concluded I can’t ever do anything like that again. It isn’t that I’m not capable, as much as I can’t do that to myself.

Also, moving is terrible and I don’t want to do it again. Even. I will die in this house.

2.) I still expect summer to be filled with long, lazy days and sun-kissed bliss. It never is… 

This isn’t just because of moving, it is simply this (societally induced???) notion of what I have always imagined summers to be, but for one reason or another they never are.

It isn’t a bad thing, and thankfully as our crazy summer unfolded, I really had to use lenses of Grace to differentiate between truth and fiction.

3.) Airline Miles are not nearly as awesome as they used to be…

Do you remember back when miles used to accumulate and when ready we could simply redeem them? Not too long ago, a roundtrip to Australia, for the husband, would have resulted in a free domestic ticket. This time around, FOUR round trips to Australia, plus three years of far-too-frequent domestic flights resulted in us still have to pay a ridiculous amount of money for “miles” so we could buy a ticket to go see our son.

A part of me wants to say, in a gratefully optimistic tone, well, at least they build up even if it’s slowly… But they expire, so I’m telling that sweet side of me to zip it. It’s irritating. (on top of baggage rates increasing… Do I sound like a cranky old lady yet? I feel like one, so I’ll take it!)

4.) I really like Pennsylvania and it was the right decision… 

I’ll be honest, this state is the LAST place I thought we’d end up. My husband was looking all over and even considered a couple of overseas positions. The one state we BELIEVED we were destined for- Utah- was the very wrong choice, we came to realize. Had someone asked me, on that first day of summer, if we were presented with both PA and Utah positions, which would we choose- HANDS DOWN both Chw and I would have said “UTAH!!!!” If you had asked our kids, they would have told you, without a moment’s hesitation, that we’d choose Utah. Ask friends? Family? Utah. And then, one evening brought us to the brink of choosing and we both knew overwhelmingly that Utah was not the path.

I am grateful for how things turned out. We love our house. We are getting to know our area. We have fallen head-over-heels with certain bits of it. We never found a home in Michigan. We never liked it, never got plugged in or connected. There is a mentality there which we just don’t mesh well with, but the first thirty minutes here showed us it’s a much better fit and twenty-six days later (for me) we are still seeing that.

And no one is more shocked than me. :)

5.) I love dogs, but… 

I’ve loved dogs my entire life. LOVED dogs!

I have had to sit in that vet office and say goodbye to three in two years, and I can’t do that anymore. My house, my yard, my dog-loving-heart have hit me hard with puppy fever. Elenor would LOVE a puppy friend. My heart still aches for a blue-tick-beagle boy, as my other one lived way too short a life and I loved him so… BUT, I can’t do that anymore. I cannot sit there and say goodbye.

I love dogs. I never thought the period would morph into a comma and be followed by a “but”, yet here we are.

6.) People…

Last but not least, we come to the heart of what summer has taught me: I have a hard time with people. Not all people… But, lets say, random strangers who want to buy/sell something over the internet. Specifically I’m referencing Facebook Marketplace and Ebay. I just… I keep waiting for my people-patience to rejuvenate, but it isn’t. I feel like the experience of downsizing and relocating while ALSO dealing with people in the afore-mentioned settings may have broken me irreparably.

When you add to that juvenile, cliquish behavior by grown women, people who can’t follow through with something and well, it’s actually probably a pretty long list. (see: old, cranky lady!)

But not YOU! Obviously, I love you.

I know I’m super late, but I’d love to hear if summer taught you anything…