Category: journey

I sense something, A presence I have not felt since…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay10 Comments
If I were a broken record, I would be stuck saying something about choices. 
Criticisms for my kids’ choices… Urging Genny to really consider her choices… Criticism for myself and my own stupid choices… 
Choosing to lose patience. 
Have no patience. 
Facebook instead of writing. 
Computer instead of a walk in the sunshine. 
Fast food over making dinner… Ok. In all fairness that decision hasn’t been made in forever because we don’t really do the fast food thing- (Panda Express aside) 
But still… choices… 
Last night, the second my husband walked in the door, Genny sort of stepped over into the dark side. She does this a lot, actually. She becomes the most condensed version of a class clown that you can imagine. It’s intense in a hyperactive kid shooting up pixie stix kinda way… 
Did I mention that the period between him walking in the door and her going to bed last night lasted about twelve decades??? She just gets so over stimulated… Do you know what really helps that? Mowing the lawn. I’m not kidding… She’s actually been asking, for the past two weeks, when she can start mowing the lawn. Even she admits it helps. It’s weird, but whatever. 
Anyway… Throughout those said decades, as I aged and greyed with each passing minute- I kept mentally urging her to take a deep breath and consider her choices. 
Choices… 
My choices. Me. 
Can I love my kids so much that they will just make the right choices? No. I can’t. As ideal of an idea as that may be- it is completely impossible. And maybe my highly opinionated theory that if my kids loved themselves a little more they might make better choices is right on the nose… but I can’t make them love themselves. I can’t air up their self esteem so that they soar above the gutter style choices I fear for them. 
But I can choose differently. 
I can choose to love me. I can choose to do what I need. I can end school with Genny, good day or bad, at a specific time so that I can write. I can do that… and it isn’t selfish. It isn’t horrible parenting… It is meeting my needs so that I am better equipped to meet hers. 
And added bonus: I’m slowly teaching her to value herself too… 
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How much is that doggie tied up outside the window…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay5 Comments
Dear Jack {aka: the guy who tied is Lab up outside the coffee shop down town on Saturday morning.}, 
While your name likely isn’t Jack, after much thought I concluded it to be the nicest thing I could address you as- all things considered. It, of course, is also no secret that your middle name begins with an A… 
But I’m veering off course from my post… 
It was lovely chatting with you, in the freezing rain, on Saturday. Your completely idiotic and narrow-minded response input to my concerns about your dogs morning has managed to stick with me for the course of the weekend. While I initially stormed into said coffee shop in search of your poor dog’s completely selfish and neglectful owner, in hindsight I wish I had just had a chance to dial the humane society before you emerged… It truly was a sad moment when your beautiful (and freezing/soaked to the bone) dog left with you. 
Being that I majored in Psychology, I’ve given much baffling analization to your ignorance choices and have come to the conclusion that obvious self consuming blindness aside- your main issue is the doubly ignorant shrew your mother, who was with you that snow flurrying morning… Though she is obviously defensive of her son, (I’d like to point out here that your father walked away from the situation entirely… Interesting.) as that beautiful Lab’s “best friend” you should be the one who knows better… When your pet is violently shivering, yelping(a sound derivative of pain, not playfulness, you idiot) so desperately loud that people from blocks away can hear him, and has such a small amount of slack in his tie out that he can not even lay down or turn his head- how can you SIT in a heated coffee house and chat with your parents for an undetermined amount of time? What kind of pet owner are you? Why do you even have a dog?
There is NO WAY you did not hear him, instead you chose to ignore him…
There is also no way you couldn’t see him epileptically shaking as he desperately called for help, since the entire front of the coffee shop is glass and you were kind enough to tie him right in front in case he felt the need to torture himself by gazing inside to see you happily sipping a warm beverage and laughing with your family… 
Much guilt and worry thought about your dog has led me to find a more suitable pet for your selfish, abusive and ignorant lifestyle… 
Do us all a favor and find someone who gives a crap about your dog and focus your efforts on something whose life isn’t dependent on your effort… 
Kernal of Wisdom: Not an animal lover??? Don’t have a pet… 
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image courtesy of  John of Witney

Dear Diary…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay5 Comments
This week I have spent far more time in the kitchen then usual. Part of this is that we are needing to do school in here, for now, so it’s been easier to do kitchen type things… 
But- I confess mostly it’s to stay busy. I’ve baked, I’ve created, I’ve scrubbed and deep cleaned… I’ve organized. While my husband is cheering me on while happily filling his belly, my kitchen is likely wondering what has gotten into me… 
I miss Lucas. It’s not even like I’m used to seeing him all of the time- but still having him state side meant he was “reachable”… Now that he’s gone all international- Army style- well, he feels so unreachable. 
I also, in the spirit of full disclosure, have to admit that this is pretty much a personal issue- in my head- because we’ve been skyping, talking on the phone and emailing. I’ve been able to hear his voice pretty much every day. I’m just super sensitive. 
On that note- I’m really working on not worrying. It feels like a good plan. Often times I day dream about what such a peaceful life would be. at any rate, it’s a goal. 
My favorite moments of this week were family photos because i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it when my kids are with me…{ I used to think my love language was gifts, but now I’m thinking it’s quality time…}
Saddest moment was, of course, taking Lucas to the airport… kinda hated that moment.
Over all it was a pretty ho-hum week. I am really looking forward to:
–  a date, tomorrow, with my husband. CAN NOT WAIT! I feel like our “quality alone” time has depleted to almost nothing. 
– getting a massage. 
– book club.
– Sunshine… (i have faith!) 
What were your best moments, this week? What are you looking forward to?
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Rays of Sunlight…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay14 Comments
5.) Write about someone who made your childhood bearable.

Mama’s Losin’ It

   Like the majority of us, my childhood was less than ideal. Despite all of the ugly circumstances to steal my innocence though- I was blessed with having some truly amazing people around me. I could write an entire series of memoirs on all of the extraordinary people I knew, as a girl, but always topping that list would be my next door neighbor Melanie, and her family…

  As surely as the day itself rolled around, early Saturday mornings found me slamming a big bouncy ball against the side of Melanie’s house. It was my beckon, for her- my rooster call, if you will. Unfortunately, the side of their house was the wall of her parents bedroom. It’s funny now, but as tired parents in a house full of sleeping children- i bet they failed to see the humor then. I grew up as much within the security of her playhouse, as she did. We grew taller while we were singing about Jesse’s Girl, building Barbie worlds out of anything we could get our hands on and eventually giggling about boys and watching music videos…

  Growing up, she was my dearest friend and her family brought infinite rays of sunlight to pierce my sadness. While my home was one shrouded in darkness and secrets- I remember her house bright and family filled. Every holiday birthed a reason to celebrate with gigantic family gatherings and cups overflowing with happy times and memories; every school morning led to a rushed family together- eating chorizo and eggs around the breakfast table. I could go days feeling things akin to loss and abandonment and then venture just across our fence and suddenly (unexplainably) find myself bubbling with laughter and feeling as light as air.

   Melanie’s dad taught me that dads are around to love their kids. He taught me that love sometimes looked playful and funny, sometimes stern and always nurturing and present.

  Melanie’s mom taught me that it’s a mom’s place to create an environment that her kids feel safe to grow into themselves in. She also showed me that a mom fights for what is right, and always fights for her kids.

  Growing up, I was head over heals in love with Melanie’s older brother and scared-to-death of her older sister. I was sure he was the only boy I’d ever love while she was the meanest person alive…Since growing up, I’ve learned those last two things weren’t true… In fact, I think the most appealing thing about the silly girlhood notion of marrying her brother was being an actual part of their family and her sister is really awesome and I sort of wish I could runaway for a long weekend to hang out with her…

   Honestly, when I look back on those days I don’t know how I made it through the first twelve years of my life unscathed. (and I’m not entirely… but a lot of healing has taken place.) I know that there was no way I would be even half as ok as I am, if it weren’t for them. When the time and opportunity came for someone to step in, on my behalf, and fight for me- they stepped up for battle. Though it felt like a loss saying goodbye, those months later, i still see the impact of their unconditional love stitched all over my life. Twenty three years after I was no longer the annoying little white girl slamming a ball against their bedroom- Melanie’s parents remain two of the best and most amazing people I’ve ever met…
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