Category: gratitude

adding fuel to the flame…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay

Have I forgotten what fire feels like? I mean, not real flames of fire, but the heart kind… the inside. The sort of fire attached to cliche sentiments like “pursue what sets your soul on fire”. That sort of fire, not to be confused with the harsh moments of life which feel as though they’ve burned my inner core to the ground.

What does set my soul on fire? For so long it was writing, and I think in comfortable ways it still is. Writing is that thing I need to always remain tethered to, or I simply cease to function well. Do you know what else impairs my ability to function well? Not being creative. The less I’m trying to be artistic (and listen, try as I might, I don’t do well, but I simply don’t care about that. It is the doing that is healing and life-giving, not the perfection!) the less I want to tackle the nurturing, daily bits of life…

the things that encourage me to

  • wash my face every evening.
  • go to bed when my body and mind tell me it’s time.
  • pick up a book to read instead of a remote to watch.
  • stop doom scrolling.

Attempting creativity on a regular basis corrects all of this. It insures that when I do want to listen to music or watch something, it is of a higher quality and less fast-food, mass-made consumption.

It all seems like a no-brainer sort of problem, doesn’t it? And yet… And yet I struggle.

I’m trying, in this new month and second half of an otherwise difficult year, to do better–be better. I’m also trying to release expectations because I am a chronically ill person who struggles with occasional depression. I am forever planning things that old-me could do, and then being reminded IN THE ACTUAL MOMENT that mistakes were made and I’m not that girl anymore. It makes it hard, and to be honest I am feeling a stupid amount of anxiety over my trip home next month, paired with my book launch. There’s so much pressure, especially since I haven’t been there for three years and I am just so different now.

I want to harness the fire I once felt, the flames that fueled the making and doing… the fire that motivated that girl. In truth, I’m tired. Most of us are. These past few years have not been kind to us, and yet they’ve taught us to take note of the little moments that keep life beautiful. These thirty-eight months have educated me on the vitality of being more intentional and prioritizing connection, community, and kindness.

Perhaps the flames are still there, it’s just that now they are the slow, steady burn of a well-connected and creative life.

that pesky halfway mark…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay

Every time I sit down to contemplate the lessons a month held, things feel so much heavier than they did the month prior. I’m not loving that trend. While it is completely unrealistic, as we’re now halfway through this year of our Lord 2022, I’m going to hope this B:Side is gentler…

June was a month. A MONTH. I’m really showing my age when I say this statement, but it is once again so profoundly true: This month was an eternity long, but also how is it already the end of June???

Things I learned (or relearned) over the past thirty days:

  • I do actually enjoy going to the movies. Hear me out, anyone who has known me for any length of time has known me as a movie lover. Pre-Covid, going to the movies was something we did OFTEN. Sometimes more than once a week. When routines hit pause, we reevaluated and started to wonder if we still loved this activity. Even getting back into it, well over a year later, often felt uncomfortable. Today I can so I do enjoy it but as something special. Once or twice a month is more than enough for me. I don’t want to go if it’s not a movie that I am seriously excited to see.
  • We can disagree with people we love, about hot-topic issues, and still be respectful. I don’t love this “unfollow and block” mentality, it’s gross and dismissive. Have the hard conversations–show that respect. If you can’t come to a place where you each can exists in love and differences, then take that drastic step. We’ve all had different experiences, and we will majorly disagree with our people sometimes.
  • I’m REALLY glad So You Think You Can Dance is back. While I’m not a dancer, I am a veteran series watched and suspect I may be more articulately qualified to judge than Leah Remini is. (Fox, if you need a stand-in–CALL ME!)
  • Raccoons are jerks. Or at least the one raccoon (we suspect it was one) who slashed the screens of our sunroom to get in and eat the cat food is. How are we kicking off July? By attempting to repair the damage and raccoon-proof our favorite room that is currently out of commission.
  • Sometimes it is essential to take a mental health day, (even when you work for yourself at home) lay on the couch, and binge-watch something. The world will whisper this is a lazy thing to do, but listen… the world needs to mind its own business. Rest can look like a million different things and only YOU get to say what’s right for you.
  • Ice cream for dinner is acceptable. Period. I am prepared to die on this hill.
  • That the world was not ready for Kate Bush music when I was a kid like it is now. I’m here for this revival, though I was also here for it when I was nine.
  • Conservative Purity viewpoints are solely responsible for things like porn addiction. I’d go so far as to say this may be true for a large portion of assaults on women as well. I realized this will be a controversial viewpoint for many, but the reality is the objectification of women is driven from this hyperfixation.
  • Too much time in the summer heat can cause a fever for me. It seems silly, but I experienced it after the Lumineer’s concert that was a few weeks ago, in the middle of a heatwave, and again after attending PrideFest last weekend. BIZARRE… but also, learning these things about the way my chronic illness manifests itself empowers me to know how to act, plan, and what to expect later.
  • Finding creative ways to partner with small, women-owned businesses is my absolute favorite thing!

As we head into the second half of our year, may we love kindly, hold space for others, and treat ourselves gently…

XOXO,

M

but also…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay

Yesterday we spent some time in the dirt, though to be honest, this was more Chw than me. I got to assume the role of lovely assistant and it was so nice. The sun was glorious, our trees are finally admitting it’s Spring, and the birds were serenading us with magic.

Yesterday felt a bit like hope, which is a little odd considering yesterday was also Mother’s Day the “holiday” that most women of my generation struggle with and would push through the meatgrinder if we could… even so, out there in the sunshine and dirt (well, dirt adjacent for me) was hope filled. I chatted with our neighbor about work, we traveled to the hardware store to load up on bricks, and we sat together designing a bird bath plan because just throwing it in the yard feels too easy.

I’ve wanted a bird bath for so long. My mother had one in our front yard when I was growing up and I always felt bad that she didn’t want water in in. When it rained it would fill up, but we lived in southern New Mexico– there wasn’t a lot of rain. Instead, the dry basin would crack beneath the intense desert sun. As I’ve grown into a full-level adult I’ve developed a love of birds. Our yard is a mini-paradise for so many different types of birds and I absolutely love sitting in our sunroom sipping a glass of iced tea and watching them. The feral cats we feed also enjoy watching them, but I have made it known that we provide food to them for free, they will get yelled at if they go after a bird. I am team bird 100% of the time.

So far this plan seems to be working, or at least thats what I tell myself.

I never thought I’d be one for sitting around and dreaming of things like my own bird bath or spending lazy weekend mornings watching those tiny little once-dinosaurs do their thing. Even so, they amaze me. I guess in this way, I amaze me too. I love the peace and simplicity of this way of living, and I’m so grateful that I leveled up into the adult that I have.

Flower beds, yard work, birds, and sun tea… these are all difinitive summer kisses that I love. In some ways I feel like we lost last summer completely, to the pandemic, and so I’m present and ready to embrace this one completely!

I have my happy little list of summer things I’m excited about and thought I’d share. Enthusiasm can be contageous so, whenever you read this, I hope my fan-girling of summer brings you a smile and, at least, an ounce of joy!

  • Movies! We have an outdoor theater set up in our yard and I can not wait to open it up to friends and neigbors as we resume outdoor movie nights!
  • BUT ALSO, there are big -screen movies releasing that I’m so excited about. We used to be avid movie goers and that definitly isn’t the case anymore. Even so, I am so excited for Baz Luerman’s Elvis Biopic! Almost equally as excited for the new Jurassic World and Top Gun sequel!
  • Our area has lovely outdoor garden concerts and I’m so ready for those to resume. Weather permitting, they became our favorite way to spend a Monday evening in summers past.
  • BUT ALSO, We are going to seeshows for The Lumineers and (of course!) Twenty One Pilots this summer. I’m beyond thrilled for both of those adventures!
  • We are so lucky to have a gorgeous beach and several outdoor areas. I can’t wait to get in some good lake time, forest bathing, hiking, and picnics!
  • BUT ALSO, secretly hoping we’ll be able to get in some ocean beach time too. We’ll see. (fingers crossed!)
  • We love supporting our local food truck vendors! They come out for the summer concert series, and we keep tabs on where they’ll be popping up around town!
  • BUT ALSO, we have a Food Truck Ralley every summer. In years past they have turned the weather into Tornado Warnings/Watches so along with delicious food, live music, and the very best fresh squeezed lemonade, there’s that excitement!
  • New summer sunnies and a new floppy hat are thrilling me to no end! Summer toes, sandles, pool time and my cute pool wrap with fringe are really exciting me about the warm weeks to come!
  • BUT ALSO, after three long years away, I get to go home for a few days this summer and I can’t wait! I’m already composing lists of my favorite places to go and my best people!

Moral of this summer-hopeful tale is this: Wherever your life is at today, there is what is happening, BUT ALSO there is always hope.

education and re-education…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay

Oh, the brutality of April… I’ve chatted with enough people who also found April especially tough this year that I know I wasn’t alone… that being said, if you’re reading this post and thinking to yourself not me–this month was amazing, then know that I am so happy! It’s you who gives the rest of us hope.

I like to use my wrap days, at the end of each month, to reflect back on what life taught me over these past few weeks. To be honest, a lot of times I learn and relearn the same stuff. I guess someday it may stick!

  • This month I reconnected with what it was like to lose myself in a good novel. I actually did it twice, and both books were much bigger than my normal “page count” restrictions, so that was a lot of fun!
  • I learned that there is some speculation Lewis Carroll (Author of Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland) was a pedophile. This one really caught me off guard, and I had to sit in my feelings for a while. I love his writing and the Alice stories so deeply. The more I researched and read, the more I realized that it was all opinions from today projected upon life back then. Sometimes we get into trouble doing that because there are so many aspects we consider common sense, ethical, or human decency today that weren’t long ago. I made the decision to still love these things because they resonate so deeply, and in the end, we just don’t really know.
  • I learned of a pretty well-known challenge to eat 30 different plants a week. Most people do it for a week but we’ve been trying to reset this every Sunday and do it through every week. We haven’t made it yet, but my chart is usually at 27 or 28 so I’m not going to consider it a loss. (The best thing I learned about this process was initially when I realized our normal weekly diet averaged between 20 and 25. What an awesome feeling that was!)
  • I’m learning how to use watercolors. The biggest reality I’ve had to adjust to is that it will be a process and take time to learn, but I do really love it!
  • I’m learning about creative dating! On the 2nd Chw and I celebrated our 28th anniversary and made the commitment to try A-Z dating over the next year, meaning intentionally creative dates must start with a letter, and we check them off when done–sort of like a bucket list. We aren’t going in order because logistically that seemed unlikely. We did do A, with the Alice Experience–an underground hidden immersive experience. It was so much fun and the perfect way to kick off this A-Z adventure!
  • I learned, (in a very unfortunate way), about Haglund’s Deformity. BOO!
  • I learned my husband and I would both be happy living a life where we only ate tacos and cookies. (Also, because we really diversify the types of each of those foods, we could still manage our PLANT challenge… It’s the perfect lifestyle, don’t you think????)
  • I’ve learned the right romper can be very flattering, and I’ll be honest–this one shocked me the most!
  • and finally, that going to a paint night with Chw will undoubtedly mean his painting will be far better than mine… but oh, was it fun!

It’s been a pretty quiet month really. Unstable weather, stress, heavy workloads, wrapping up edits and revisions on my memoir… The biggest lesson I’ve learned where that is concerned is that the writing of the book is actually the part requiring the least amount of work. I’m staying centered and grounded, working on not allowing myself to slip into a state of overwhelm.

My every-month take away remains, most importantly, to continue chasing beauty, adventure, and magic as authentically and intentionally as this life will allow.

on the madness of March…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay

I know March Madness refers to College Basketball but honestly isn’t March really one of the most unpredictable months? I love March… Many of my favorite people were born in March. I was born in March. Spring teases us with color in March, before Winter comes popping in to let us know she’s not quite through with us yet… But also, March has always carried this odd , unpredictable energy.

For example, while I’m not one to usually fall down the stairs, if I did, it would happen in March.

Listen, it DID happen in March and it was brutal. My tail bone was solid black and later that day I had seven hours of airplane travel to endure. Not the best day ever… We hadn’t been planning a trip, it just rapidly unfolded and suddenly we were packing a suitcase to share. My husband had just been in Idaho for a family emergency some weeks before and realized he now has air travel anxiety and would prefer to never fly again. I hadn’t flown since the end of 2019, and so my anxiety wasn’t loving the idea of it either. All of the videos filled with difficult people on planes and in airports were what I stressed about… but it was fine. It was all fine. His anxiety was a bit rocky and I felt bad for him. Also, my tailbone kept me teetering between sobbing like a small child and wanting to jump from the plane… but it was fine.

We were fine.

We made it, and life was good. And while we were traveling something wonderfully magical happened! I was able to share the book cover for my impending release Girls, Assassins, and Other Bad Ideas. (August 22, 2022 through Burning Soul Press)

I’m absolutely in love with this cover! IN LOVE!

I was also reminded that in the midst of so much divisiveness there are still people who can disagree about things like religion, politics, and vaccines and yet somehow still manage to share civil conversations and respect for one another. This glimpse of the old-world ways really caught me off guard… it was beautiful. While I believe the things I do, these beliefs are mine based on my experiences and knowledge. Who am I to tell you your stance is wrong simply because you haven’t traveled the same journey I have?

I hope this becomes a trend and we can once again aspire to be bridge builders…

This month, in addition to my book cover, celebrating birthdays, and a few fun little day trips to Cleveland and Pittsburgh, I also published my first guided journal/workbook, Cupcake, a Guided Companion for Cake. (Cake is my ebook guide published last year.)

All in all, amidst the craziness and complete busyness that was March, it was a beautiful month. Perhaps the first truly beautiful month from start to finish, that I remember having for so long… I’ve had conversations in the past day or two with others who feel the same. This has to be a sign right– that things are finally changing?

Maybe I’m just being hopeful… then again, I guess that beats the alternative.