Category: friendship

Summertime madness…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay3 Comments

On the first day of summer, I woke up and poured my coffee like normal.

I washed my face, responded to a few emails and texts… It was a pretty average day.

Quiet.

My two dogs, Emma and Elenor, continued to remain civil yet distant. There was nothing which stood out as extraordinary.

On the first day of autumn, I woke up and poured my coffee, just like the beginning of the seasons which fell before.

In a new home. (well, new to us anyway)

In a different state.

With only one dog, the other having left this world.

At forty-two years old, I am no stranger to how quickly things can change, and yet this particular reflection has me overwhelmed by the truth growing there.

Hello, from Pennsylvania!

I missed Emily’s link up, but I’m sharing anyway because the reflection is good for the soul. (You can ask anyone I talk to regularly, I am so out-of-sorts and behind!)

So, in that sunny season, what did my life have me learning?

1.) I am capable, but just because I can doesn’t mean I should… 

This move was hard. The hardest we’ve had. I had to challenge my physical capabilities on an almost constant basis, which created all forms of other complications. My health and chronic garbage aside, I found I was far more able than I realized. I also concluded I can’t ever do anything like that again. It isn’t that I’m not capable, as much as I can’t do that to myself.

Also, moving is terrible and I don’t want to do it again. Even. I will die in this house.

2.) I still expect summer to be filled with long, lazy days and sun-kissed bliss. It never is… 

This isn’t just because of moving, it is simply this (societally induced???) notion of what I have always imagined summers to be, but for one reason or another they never are.

It isn’t a bad thing, and thankfully as our crazy summer unfolded, I really had to use lenses of Grace to differentiate between truth and fiction.

3.) Airline Miles are not nearly as awesome as they used to be…

Do you remember back when miles used to accumulate and when ready we could simply redeem them? Not too long ago, a roundtrip to Australia, for the husband, would have resulted in a free domestic ticket. This time around, FOUR round trips to Australia, plus three years of far-too-frequent domestic flights resulted in us still have to pay a ridiculous amount of money for “miles” so we could buy a ticket to go see our son.

A part of me wants to say, in a gratefully optimistic tone, well, at least they build up even if it’s slowly… But they expire, so I’m telling that sweet side of me to zip it. It’s irritating. (on top of baggage rates increasing… Do I sound like a cranky old lady yet? I feel like one, so I’ll take it!)

4.) I really like Pennsylvania and it was the right decision… 

I’ll be honest, this state is the LAST place I thought we’d end up. My husband was looking all over and even considered a couple of overseas positions. The one state we BELIEVED we were destined for- Utah- was the very wrong choice, we came to realize. Had someone asked me, on that first day of summer, if we were presented with both PA and Utah positions, which would we choose- HANDS DOWN both Chw and I would have said “UTAH!!!!” If you had asked our kids, they would have told you, without a moment’s hesitation, that we’d choose Utah. Ask friends? Family? Utah. And then, one evening brought us to the brink of choosing and we both knew overwhelmingly that Utah was not the path.

I am grateful for how things turned out. We love our house. We are getting to know our area. We have fallen head-over-heels with certain bits of it. We never found a home in Michigan. We never liked it, never got plugged in or connected. There is a mentality there which we just don’t mesh well with, but the first thirty minutes here showed us it’s a much better fit and twenty-six days later (for me) we are still seeing that.

And no one is more shocked than me. :)

5.) I love dogs, but… 

I’ve loved dogs my entire life. LOVED dogs!

I have had to sit in that vet office and say goodbye to three in two years, and I can’t do that anymore. My house, my yard, my dog-loving-heart have hit me hard with puppy fever. Elenor would LOVE a puppy friend. My heart still aches for a blue-tick-beagle boy, as my other one lived way too short a life and I loved him so… BUT, I can’t do that anymore. I cannot sit there and say goodbye.

I love dogs. I never thought the period would morph into a comma and be followed by a “but”, yet here we are.

6.) People…

Last but not least, we come to the heart of what summer has taught me: I have a hard time with people. Not all people… But, lets say, random strangers who want to buy/sell something over the internet. Specifically I’m referencing Facebook Marketplace and Ebay. I just… I keep waiting for my people-patience to rejuvenate, but it isn’t. I feel like the experience of downsizing and relocating while ALSO dealing with people in the afore-mentioned settings may have broken me irreparably.

When you add to that juvenile, cliquish behavior by grown women, people who can’t follow through with something and well, it’s actually probably a pretty long list. (see: old, cranky lady!)

But not YOU! Obviously, I love you.

I know I’m super late, but I’d love to hear if summer taught you anything…

That very first bestie…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

I lucked into my first BFF-ship…

Her name is Melanie and she was born next door to me, 9 days before I turned one. Her family was like family to me. In fact, well before I really understood anything about love, relationships, etc- I was determined I would marry her brother. Years after that passed, she snuck away for quiet moments of kissing (i think) with my cousin. If adolescence were a soap opera, our lives would have had all of the elements…

We lived lifetimes with our Barbies, did sleepovers with all of the sleepover things 80’s kids did, played Atari (because we are old and that’s what you did, as a kid, when you’re old) and used our imagination to tape record ourselves playing all sorts of crazy things like Funeral, Erotic (or what we thought was naughty and fun, but really, we were dumb) storytelling, etc… We Parent-trapped our parents when a grudge between them (IOW: my bi-polar mom) wouldn’t allow us to hang out… We spent hundreds of hours slamming our bellies against one another, only the chain link fence dividing our homes between us- just talking, until the fence was so stretched out that it barely served a purpose…

When I finally had the courage to tell someone about the dark abuses happening in my home, this sweet little barely eleven year old girl was where I turned. When my journey took me into the care of a Children’s Group Home, she was faithful to write letters and keep in touch.

So many years have passed and our lives took us on very different journeys but I still hold Melanie (and her entire family) so dear to me. There is a special place, within my heart, reserved for the best of the best- and that is their VIP suite.

I think, with the hindsight of age, what makes this relationship so special is time. Not only the length of time we’ve been friends, but the things which our portions of time have held. I wish I knew her kids better, I wish she knew mine. There are things that I wish would be different because I’ve seen (thanks, old age) what a gift this friend has always been. Plus, she’s funny, and gorgeous and simply an amazing woman. I am so lucky to have lived a life where she was my lifelong friend.

Smallfoot is a film telling the tale of an unexpected friendship. (I am not an animated film lover but CAN NOT WAIT for this movie!) Have you seen the trailer? (Go ahead, I’ll wait!)

Synopsis: 

 An animated adventure for all ages, with original music and an all-star cast, “Smallfoot” turns a myth upside down when a bright young yeti finds something he thought didn’t exist—a human.

News of this “smallfoot” throws the simple yeti community into an uproar over what else might be out there in the big world beyond their snowy village, in an all new story about friendship, courage and the joy of discovery.

“Smallfoot” stars Channing Tatum (“The LEGO® Batman Movie,” the “Jump Street” films) , Zendaya (“Spider-Man: Homecoming”), Common (“Selma”), LeBron James (upcoming “Space Jam 2”), Danny DeVito (“The Lorax,” Oscar nominee for “Erin Brockovich”), Gina Rodriguez (“Jane the Virgin”), and Yara Shahidi (TV’s “Black-ish”).  It debuts in theaters on September 28.

Do you have any special childhood friendships? I’d love for you to share!

Dog Days {of Summer…}

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay5 Comments

I’ve talked about it here before, but two years ago this month I unexpectedly lost my beloved life companion Paisley. It was a fast, tragic and deeply severing loss. About eight months later I opened my heart up to love an amazingly tiny little blue-tick beagle I lovingly named Knightley and when he died just three months later…

Honestly, even looking back, fourteen months later, I am not sure how I did it. I love the ones I truly love so, so deeply, and dogs are among the deepest… Even though I had only known my sweet Knightley for such a short time, those were a very dependent few months as his health had not always been the best. He needed me so much and he loved me even more. (I hope you never have to put a puppy down, it is a terrible that exceeds so many others…)

BUT… Nearly twelve months ago my husband brought this little nugget home:

And I’ll be honest… I was not ready. She was this ball of love and energy and cuteness and I just did not want her.

Not long after little Miss Elenor became a part of the clan, my husband went on a super long business trip and I had no choice but to spend a lot of quality time with her.

I wanted to resent her.

I wanted to be so annoyed at her high puppy demands and needs, and I was.

But also, I melted… I knew that it was easier not to love her because someday she’d be leaving too, and my heart just maybe couldn’t take anymore sadness.

But then I would laugh at her, because this girl’s personality is LARGE, and I finally caved because I admitted that my heart would be so much better off to love and embrace her…

 

 

I am so thankful for the life, the love, the indescribably happiness and connection that each one of my sweet little fur loves have brought to my life… Through them I have learned TO love outside of myself, to move past loss and heartache and love again. I have learned to laugh when I still feel shattered, and to take time to settle down and snuggle when I really need it, (or they do) and I am so thankful…

Nina Dobrev stars as “Elizabeth” in director Ken Marino’s DOG DAYS, a LD Entertainment release. Credit : Jacob Yakob / LD Entertainment
Vanessa Hudgens stars as “Tara” in Ken Marino’s DOG DAYS, a LD Entertainment release. Credit : Jacob Yakob / LD Entertainment

DOG DAYS is a hilarious and heartfelt ensemble comedy that follows the lives of multiple dog owners and their beloved fluffy pals.  When these human and canine’s paths start to intertwine, their lives begin changing in ways they never expected.  This is a sweet film about the joy our furry friends bring into our lives and what they can teach us about treating people with kindness and compassion.  DOG DAYS releases in theaters in August 8.

I would love to hear about any dogs in your life, that you’ve loved! You could win a gift card to show them (or yourself) a little love!

Not too old to die, but SO hard to beat…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

www.rainydayinmay.comMy BFF had to put her sweet dog Duke down this week. It was something they were aware wasn’t likely too far off, but anyone who has been there knows that no matter how “prepared” you technically are- you are never ready and there is never a best time… Not really.

I have knelt across from those huge eyes, pained and ready, three times. I have held the tears behind a dam of self-control until that sweet soul took their last breath. I have heard it said that crying is cathartic and there have been so many times in my life when, amidst sobs and a salted downpour upon my cheeks, I have felt this to be true- when I’ve had to say goodbye this way however, it has felt gut wrenchingly far from catharsis.

We were living in upstate New York when my husband decided to make my dreams come true, and get a puppy. We responded to a newspaper ad (because I’m dating not only this post, but us) for a yellow lab. We drove out into the rolling hilled farm land and turned down a long dirt driveway. (In case anyone is unclear about a timeline, we did use mapquest to get there… Which we had to print, on paper. We felt super high tech and advanced. Also, we did have cell phones. They were PHONES. You used them to talk.) My husband was a self proclaimed cat lover and so the willingness for a dog was a huge sacrifice that did not go unnoticed. The very second that pudgy ball of yellow fur came rolling down the hill, so anxious to greet us, he internally shredded his Cat Lover club card and switched over to the canine party. His heart was stolen but that little ball of sleepy love!

We named her Makaila, and honestly I have no idea why. There were no name contenders, on that long drive, but the second we held her it just came out- Makaila. Makaila was that puppy from the little golden book- she slept all of the time. She slept everywhere. We have dozens and dozens of photos (on film) of her asleep in the oddest places. Makaila came to us a little tummy sick, which turned out to be a theme of sensitive stomach problems, as she grew. Also, when I say she “grew”, I mean she weighed 82 pounds the day she turned 1, and was a whopping 120 pounds the day we put her down. For nine beautiful years that beautiful girl taught us so much about love and loyalty. She made us laugh harder than anything had. She walked us down the aisle of becoming parents and fell head over heels in love with absolutely any human being who breathed within a 25 foot radius of where she stood. (also, if you were say, 27 feet away, she’d love you too. 50 ft… 100 miles. She didn’t care. Makaila’s earthly mission was to love all of the people.)

She was just under a year old when we learned that not only did Makaila have no yellow lab in her, (we were so confused about her fur, her looks, her sensitive digestive system. It just made no sense) but our vet was certain she was a Golden Retriever. One hundred percent of everything indicated this breed. Well, almost everything- she was gigantic. (one could speculate horse for a father? Cow? Buffalo? I digress…) Through a series of other, vet led, revelations we came to assume she’d been the product of a puppy mill.

We always made the best choices we could for her. Because she was our first “baby”, we were very thorough and intentional about her grooming, bathing, diet, etc. Even as our family grew and changed, when ever I daydreamed about things like grey hair, retirement and luxurious family vacations, Makaila was there beside us.

In June of 2011 we threw Makaila a big birthday bash. (Yep, we are those people!) We made a wide array of pupcakes, decorated the back yard, made and bought a bunch of kids and canine outdoor games. It was to be a time! The day before the bash, Chw and I ran to the pet store to pick up a few supplies for the dog-goodie bags. While there we ran into a Blue Buffalo dog food distributer. We’d been hearing a lot about this brand and so, (me being who I am) I decided to chat with the guy for awhile. It was a great and informative conversation up until the point when he asked 2 seemingly innocent questions:

1.) What breed is your dog? (Golden Retriever. We left out that she was likely the bastard child of a rogue, 2 ton farm animal)

2.) How big is she? (The odd tone and hesitation in his second question made me wonder if perhaps he already knew this about her bio-dad)

It was with the delivery of our second answer that his face fell for a brief moment before he shook it slightly and regained composure. I wouldn’t let it go though, (remember- me being me and all) and he finally said that he was really surprised she was turning 9. He couldn’t believe she’d made it to 8. Spraying us with far too many details about Golden Retriever trivia, he sort of devastated our party moods.

The next day, at her soiree, Makaila had the time of her life. She devoured her (sensitive stomach friendly) “smash” cake. She played and played and played. She was so happy and so tired, her only real complaint being that we’d invited other dogs when no one had wanted them there, it was a party for humans- no dogs allowed. Despite all of her fun and her doggy smiles and youthful energy, all we could think about was the ticking time of her life. While friends smiled at her silly cake consuming antics, my eyes filled with tears. This could be the last time I see her devour a cake. (it was the first) When she opened a present, I cried- she probably wouldn’t even make it to Christmas…

In August Makaila seemed like she couldn’t pee. It was fast. We took her in and our vet proceeded to run tests and confirm that she had cancer. There was a tumor blocking her bladder. Surgery would prolong her life by a few months, but she didn’t recommend it. (I will use this little parenthesis corner of the web to also point out that the vet almost scoffed when she confirmed our sweet girl had cancer, then stating “It’s not a shock since she’s a Golden. Golden Retrievers ARE cancer factories.” Wait- what?!?!?)

We took her home, eerily reflecting back on the two months spanning her birthday and this day. We gave her one last gift, a week filled with DQ ice cream cones, (Gross) Moist and Meaty dog food, car rides and all of the things she loved so much. There was no question- she said goodbye to this world a very happy girl who knew beyond a doubt she was so loved! Her ashes were scattered at a Christmas tree farm, where families frequent every holiday season, to play, choose a tree and make holiday memories. There are no words to explain how much she would have LOVED this…

I became a mom with Makaila by my side. I wrote my first novel with her laying at my feet. I endured the tragic loss of my grandmother with her there, head lovingly in my lap. The chapter of Makaila housed so many precious life bits.

And that seems to be how it is… We’ve lived a Paisley Chapter, A Knightley Chapter and currently exist within the Chapters of Elenor and Emma. With my broken sense of time keeping, these are the ways I remember my adulthood moments- my canine chapter. In one quick second I can feel overwhelmed with so much love for that chapter’s sweet soul and then remember the deep, deep cut of their loss. (Shoeboxes hold our heart, you should read about them)

Living two thousand miles away from my BFF (and “home”) it naturally feels like way too much time passes, between visits. Like way too many things change while I’m away… It is slowly beginning to sink in though, that this Duke Chapter is complete. The page has been turned and with it, all of the years of loving him become something shelved within the past. With one last peaceful sleep, the world shifts and everything changes. One day, for my bestie and her family, things will feel ok- but things will never be right again. Not the way they were anyway…

My next visit to their home will not have his sweet little feet welcoming my arrival, his adorable little AC/DC shirt always melting my heart a bit. From my position, over here and totally out of the picture, I still find myself so broken for her loss, for their loss.  I am sure that Paisley and Knightley were more than happy to welcome Duke over that rainbow bridge. Knightley and Duke had never met, but dogs are pack dwellers and those two are absolutely in the same pack. it’s been a few days and they are absolutely bro’s now! (This makes me super happy and then so sad for all of us left here without them.) (I am also sure Makaila did not show up as a part of the welcoming committee. Our sweet girl is very is confident in herself and likely stays content in the neighborhood of human heaven, with her people.)

It is all so sad, and so hard to face. We love them so deeply and then they leave us after hardly any time, and we remain behind shattered and so alone without them…

Dukey, you were such a sweet boy. See you later, alligator <3

“Broke another promise and I broke another heart. But I ain’t too young to realize that I ain’t too old to try. Try to get back to the start and it’s another red light nightmare. Another red light street. And I ain’t too old to hurry. Cause I ain’t too old to die, but I sure am hard to beat.”

~ Ride On by AC/DC

Letting Go, a lament…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay8 Comments

This year of letting go has been brutal.

I am left raw and bleeding, stripped away layers of love, of life, of skin and  laid ready for something new. The new is hard, terrifying… I love the old, the old like you.

When I knew, to my core, that this year would be the one for letting go, I feared the most that the end result would be you. I feared this down deep to my soul, but that intuitive certainty seemed to whisper this truth.

Here, in the almost middle of the year-long-journey, I have already released my grip on so much.

So many habits, a friendship, crutches and dark things long gone now…

The thought of you too, as it grows clearer and clearer, makes me want to take back the whole plan.

I can’t do this.

I can not let you go…

And yet, as I loosen my grip a little, I realize I am the only one holding on anyway.

Just me.

It is just my hand there, fingers clinging to your loose one.

You let go a long time ago, but then I wonder- scared to ask, had you ever held on at all?

To let go of the love means also letting go of the lies, which should seem like a good thing, shouldn’t it?

It does not.

The losing you part has never been a parcel of my bargain, and yet, it seems this is what it comes to anyhow.

How?

I truly don’t know.

My chest is so tight from the fight to breathe, I want to kick and scream, to conquer your demons for you so that you can learn to love me again. Assuming, of course, you ever did. I used to believe it, but beneath the crafty way in which you seem, I am beginning to doubt that too.

I know, I can’t do that… I won’t even try. They are your demons to release or draw nearer, and they are what you’ve chosen. I am not.

I am not.

I will repeat the words until my insides cease throbbing.

I will stop allowing patterns to blanket me, which have only slowly ripped me apart.

You are yours now, you never claimed me.

In the deepest way possible, I am gone.

Entombed within this landscape I have woven- painting it beautiful so that you had somewhere safe and whole to belong- I cannot think about what comes next. Whatever it is, I know that the course of us changes forever, again.

Forever, always.

Words meant for something spectacularly earth shattering, in the best ways- not like this.

I did not wish this, I did not want it.

I do not want it.

But you do not want me, so why hold on, anymore?

Good-bye being lied to,

Good-bye being lied about… (This will still happen, of course, you seem to know no other way of making it through a day, but perhaps this will finally not affect me like it always has before.)

Good-bye disrespect,

Good-bye raised-fist-shattered moments and brutal words, spread like meat hooks, within the crevices of my mind.

Perhaps I’ll make it to the clouds, finally able to exhale…

Maybe instead I will struggle again, day in and out, never catching a break.

Either path it is, I guess is better than naked and lonely, splattered there on the ground.