Category: family

Full circle…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments
We used to share everything. 
Every joyful moment, every fear. 
I am sad that it isn’t always like that. I am sad that it can’t be…
But… 
I can’t tell you things, like I used to. 
I can not allow myself to open up and reveal to you because you are pretty much not there to listen. At the same token, I feel less and less available to you, too. 
More and more i hear the same contrived apologies and excuses. 
More and more i hear empty promises about moving on from here. 
but really, more and more only the same old thing occurs. 
I never imagined that it would be like this, between us. 
i never thought our circle would come to a close and stop, I always imagined us journeying together forever. 
and in ways, I am sure we will. 
Our lives are interwoven. 
But for quite awhile now you are all about you, and that is something that simply hasn’t gotten any easier to face. I don’t exist beyond your needs. 
And when I really, truly need you- you vanish. 
Over the past few months I have really, truly needed you and you have been absent. 
To tell the truth, I am beyond hurt. 
We’ve had this talk before. 
I won’t say it all again. 
I am sad. 
The constant rejection though, it isn’t really worth it. I’d rather just not have you, than have the empty promise of you. 
I wish we could rewind and go back to when I could tell you everything, but let’s face it- you wouldn’t even hear me tell you this… 
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to the moon and the stars…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay7 Comments
Dearest Genny,

   My first impression of you is tiny red nose and palms flat against glass. Your nutmeg hair in pig tales, your big saucer blue eyes full of emotions I didn’t even have the courage to name…

   Your first words to me asked if I was your new mommy… I loved you. I wanted to hold you and reassure you. I wanted to not touch you and prove I would not push you into loving me. I wanted to take you home and keep you safe from the world which had hurt you…
I wanted to turn around and leave.
You scared me…
You were so small and full of life. Just below your surface there was an entitled rage that only confronted my internal knowledge that I was not the woman for this job. I knew I did not have what it would take, to be your new mommy.
You only mommy.
Forever.
I couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t not do it.

  Later, as you played on the indoor playground, and you giggled- you challenged me. There, in your wildflower eyes you dared me to stick around. You dared me to love you, no matter what.
You broke my heart, right then and there.
A four year old baby should never know those sorts of sadnesses…

  Even later yet, while putting your few clothes into your new dresser, you followed behind me re-packing your things. When I asked why you would do that you said “it’s too hard to pack when this family is over and I have to move.” When the clothes managed to stay in the dresser and your ugly suitcase was moved to storage, you cried. True, fat, salty tears tainted every ache that had lingered in your girlhood eyes, unspoken.
Only hours had passed, since we had met you and yet I felt as though lifetimes had mounted upon my shoulders and nestled in.
I knew that, whether I was up to it or not I had to be your mommy.
My heart begged, in a stabbingly violent and  secure way to be your mommy.
For the first time ever, I held you in my arms. Your chubby hands were hitting, and reaching with all your arms could give, behind me- PLEASE, PLEASE,” your tiny voice wailed, throat already swollen and ragging from crying, “I need my suitcase, please let me have my suitcase. PLEASE, i have to have it for when I get a new mommy and daddy.”

Do you remember what I told you, as you glared up at me?
Sweet, beautiful girl, five years from now you will look back and remember this moment and you will know that I told you the truth when I say we are the last mommy and daddy you will ever have. No more families. This is yours, and you belong here, forever.

Today is eight years, exactly, since my promise. Sure, I have been frustrated- but I’ve never wished that wasn’t true.

I love you, baby girl. Happy family anniversary! I love you to the moon and stars and then a whole lot further… 

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i blame germany…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment
I miss you. 
A lot. 
I miss the way you laugh, and the talks we have. I miss the life that you bring home, just when you walk through the door. 
I miss that good, secure, mom feeling when the door is locked and night and I know that you are there, under our roof, sleeping. 
I miss you being big-brother-mean to Genny. 
I miss goodnight hugs. See you later hugs. 
I miss movie chats, and watching them. 
Chw misses you too. Projects and dreaming of projects… 
I miss that too… 
I miss how happy we all are when you are here, because we feel more whole. Complete. 
The basketball hoop misses you. 
It gets, pretty much ignored, when you aren’t here. 
Against our knowledge a rather large family of wasps moved into it, over the summer. I suspect they are illegals. I am allergic, you know. The last time I was stung, i was hospitalized. It was ugly. I was stung by a German hornet. Now suddenly we have a family of illegals living in our hoop. Germans? Maybe… Anything is possible. 
Germany, and eventually somewhere much uglier, hotter and more dangerous, is way too far away. I know it’s not your fault, and I know you’d come home today if you could. I also feel it’s only fair to warn you that I’m not kidding at all when I say that once you come home- you won’t leave. i won’t let you. i know I’ve said it before, but this experience has taught me that drastic measures are needed… 
At any rate, if I ever get all emotional on skype and try telling you about the wasps and how much they make me think of you- now you’ll know what I mean. 
They only serve to remind me of this blindingly horrible thing that i couldn’t forget even if I wanted to… 
I miss you. 
A lot. 
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You should totally see her, she’s a doll…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay6 Comments
No wonder I always fail themed blog months. Apparently I have a very short attention span… While it’s been a cathartic journey/experience- I need a break. 
anyway, I had to interrupt the letters to let you know a few things… 
Like the fact that I am still sick. It is ridiculous, actually. Like, REALLY ridiculous. I am feeling better, (as of yesterday) which helps. Especially since I managed to find enough energy to go to the orchard and purchase a load of canning tomatoes, apples and peaches. My problem has been that every night when I would sip my codeine laced cough syrup- i would tell myself that tomorrow would be the day when i was better. 
I have been sick for 15 days, ya’ll. Really, really sick. 
anyway, facing the overwhelming reality of piles of produce- i had no choice. 
So, I dried apples, (seemed easier), canned tomatoes and canned peaches and peach butter… 
I feel accomplished. 
and exhausted. 
But I digress… 
We got a dog. that’s really the most important thing. A puppy, actually. A real, life, puppy. It’s only been three weeks since we had to put Makaila down, and while we miss her and were certain we’d have months in between her passing and a puppy commitment- things changed. 
Mostly Paisley. Every day, since Makaila has been gone, she’s grown more and more depressed. Nothing we could do would shake her funk. Then, we stumbled upon someone needing to get rid of puppies and they were a breed we could handle. All in all, the timing and everything aligned so we took the plunge. 
Or rather, Chw did. 
Makaila was his dog, and he made it clear a puppy was a FAR OFF possibility- if a possibility at all. 
But he met and fell head over heals in love with Emma. 
He adores her. 
And that makes me happy… 
We all love her, the little stinker- except Paisley. Go figure. It’s actually pretty annoying. 
Without further ado- meet Emma… 
{yes, she dumps her food out and carries the dish… stinker. And look at her sweet pink dotted nose. LOVE}
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Who I miss the most…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment
i thought long and hard, on this. I miss so many people. People gone, people still living; long distance family members and friends… long since distanced friendships… But who did I miss the most?

There has only ever been one person who I would instantly need to call when the world fell apart. Only one person who held my number 1 place on speed dial when parenting issues arose, health issues scared me or life drama burned itself into me.

As if there were any question who I missed the most. Of course it’s you… Within in the library of my brain there are more volumes stored complete with memories, moments and hearty conversations with you than any other. Like the bell of a cathedral, your laugh still rings through my thoughts every day. I am unable to see such things as sunflowers, butterflies or tiny framed mothers without a pierce through my soul.

I miss you most, when I don’t feel well.
I miss you most when motherhood moments leave me scared, frustrated or confused.
I miss you most when my husband and I argue.
I miss you most when I need a recipe.
Or any form of advice.
Or any conversation at all.
I miss you the most…

I am constantly criticized for my dislike of talking on the phone and I just realized- the day you died, I hated to pick up the line.

I love you, Mom.

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