when beauty ate the beast…

IMG_4028Most of my best thoughts seem to occur when I’m either behind the wheel of a car, or in the shower. Why is this?

Yesterday afternoon, between my house and Gen’s school I’d written an extraordinary blog post in my brain and revised an extra difficult section of a chapter I’m working on. I was giddy with excitement when I looked around and noticed they had decorated our lovely downtown for Christmas, and this made my heart radiate even brighter with glee. Just then a large swarm of birds ascended from the grassy park to my left and I marveled at their elegance as they flew higher and higher, all working together.

By the time I was home I remembered the birds and the Christmas decor, plain as day, but not one single thing about the rest of it. It’s like a trap door slammed shut in my brain and now my brilliant thoughts are trapped inside the Arena, fighting for their lives- Tributes of their own plight.

Sorry. Like I said, I just finished Catching Fire, and I’m afraid until we see the movie next week, I’ll find it seeping itself into my daily life. Tune in tomorrow when I wear a single braid, down my back and Josh Hucherson shows up with loaves of warm, fresh bread… {All kidding aside, Genny would die.}

In the Hunger Games of my brain though, why is it the memory of the birds and the glee over the holiday decor that win out? Shouldn’t it be the brilliance and creativity? Truth be told, I am so frustrated! I feel like this happens more and more. {and more}

And so, brain tired and back sore, I close the lid of my laptop and snuggle with a blanket in front of the DVR, thus rewarding my brain with absolutely nothing…

Heeeere’s Johnny!

It’s raining today, in our little midwestern town. I am not complaining, I love a good rain. We are nearing having been in this house a month, (I can’t believe it) and though we aren’t quite as settled in as I’d hoped- this weeks call for rain and thunderstorms motivates me a bit. I am one who likes to jump in and get things done, so I am more than a little irritated that there are still an array of boxes in our garage. Of course, it hasn’t helped that I am on week three of a pretty severe cold/infection. All things considered, we’ve got quite a lot going accomplished. I’m waiting to post photos, until everything is done. The grand tour will come then.

Our 19th anniversary was last Tuesday and so on Saturday a friend hung out with Gen and we went on a little date. We went to dinner at a local Hibachi Japanese Steakhouse, only to realize very early on that this made us a bit homesick because we had one back home that we frequented often with dear friends. It’s bound to happen I guess. At any rate, we ended up at this enormous grill table with one other couple. They were older than us, and informed us early on that they loved to chat. It was actually really cool to spend the whole of dinner talking with complete strangers, over juggled knives and the most amazing salmon and steak ever. Our waitress (who was a brunette, but truly a blond at heart.) must have agreed that we had great social chemistry because she brought all four of our meals on one check. Could not have asked for a better evening, honestly.

My husband spent the weekend painting and I couldn’t be more thrilled. My kitchen is now the color of sunshine, and though its really brighter than our norm- considering the grey days this state has- it’s an effective choice for sure.

I am ready to feel better and get out there and meet people. An almost-month is a long time to just see a few old friends and thats it. I am not stir crazy yet, but my thoughts are referencing The Shining a bit more often than I’d like. (I Kid…) I am rejoining my old book club and am very excited about that! It ranks up there just behind the excitement I’ll have to park in my garage and never see another cardboard box again. I’m going to grow old and die in this house- I swear it. Never. Moving. Again. As my beloved Mama would say, “I’m too old for this crap.” Only she wouldn’t say crap, but whatever. It’s all poop in the end.

Kind of like this random post about nothing. It’s simply my attempt to connect with civility by any means possible.

Entertainment & Housekeeping…

I feel like there are so many random, tidbit things I want to say.

bandnAre you a kindle or e-reader owner? My bff gave me a kindle a couple of Christmases ago and i LOVE it so much more than I thought I would. I was super snobby about the idea of not reading actual books, but I found that i read a lot more now, which is GREAT! The downside to my Kindle ownership is that I hadn’t stepped foot in a book store in a year. AN ENTIRE YEAR!!!! Outrage!

Anyway, with Gen having drama practice twice a week, just one block south of this paper scented book haven, I’ve decided that my “me” time needs to be spent there- sipping chai and perusing paper books. Surely such afternoons would be amazing for the soul. When it’s time for my next writing project, I could spend that time assembling chapters and doing research. I am almost giddy thinking about it!

The possibilities are endless!
tea

Speaking of afternoons and chai, I have been using my Teavana pot and tea religiously. Maybe it’s the cold. Maybe it’s that my soul is needing some peace, I don’t know.

If you love tea and aren’t familiar with Teavana, i really encourage you to check them out. It is amazing how many layers of flavors their teas have. When I end up having a bagged cup of tea, on more rushed mornings, it disappoints EVERY TIME!
Are you a tv watcher? We aren’t super into TV, but in the cooler/colder months we do have a few evenings a week where we like to hunker down with a cozy throw and catch up on our TiVo. Both my favorite dramas ended this week, which is a little sad. I won’t talk about the first one, as it’s a bit controversial, but I will mention the second one: 

parenthood

Are you a watcher?

I love Parenthood, even if certain details of this season have left me grinding my teeth. I think it, over all, is such a great look at family (in all aspects) and love. I am a little sad though, that I’m not the only one speculating an impending cancellation. As much as I wish it were not true- this finale felt really, REALLY final.

SLP

Speaking of books AND watching things… You know how I am a really huge movie lover, and Oscar season is the best season of all times, for me. Well, one of my favorite contenders (that I’ve seen) is Silver Linings Playbook. Have you seen it? I LOVE it!

At the urging of my girlfriend, whom I first saw the movie with- I am now reading the book. Pretty different, let me tell you, but really, really, really great! It is making me wish (as most adaptations do) that they would have done things a little more like the book, when it came to the film. That being said though, the performances are really amazing and it is such a great movie! In fact, though I’ve slowed way down on my theater attending, i am pretty anxious to see this one again!

Speaking of Oscar nominated films. On Saturday we are going to see Zero Dark Thirty. Quite the controversy stirrer! I loved The Hurt Locker and I’m pretty excited to see this movie- even if that really upsets others. I have several friends who have really enjoyed it and found it to be a great eye opener and conversation film. I personally love conversation films, so i am excited. I had a radical friend tell me, last week, that this movie is the spawn of Satan. That kind of stuff really gets me. If you have different opinions, that’s one thing- but don’t go throwing around spawn of Satan allegations. Come on people…

Besides… The true spawn of Satan is this:

candycrush

If you haven’t played this game, here’s the nutshell… (spare yourself the agony)

It is so easy.

It makes you feel so smart.

It’s visually pleasing.

Then chocolate comes and ruins EVERYTHING, but before you realize it is of the devil- it has you sucked in.

Just kidding… Mostly. No, actually, I’m not…

The right stuff, baby…

It is nauseating the amount of pressure we put on ourselves, isn’t it? 
It is almost like we realized, one day, that there was this imaginary set of guidelines that we had to comply with, in order to be a decent person. 
Just this morning, since I had woken up early and Gen was still asleep, i decided to clear off my tivo. I don’t record a lot, but there are a few things that only I watch. As i turned the tv on, a surge of guilt chilled through me. 
What if someone finds out you wake up in the mornings and turn the tv on?
The voice chiding me, from the back of my head, sneered in absolute judgement. 
I knew, in that instant, that this voice visits me a lot, and motivates me to make choices other than what I had originally intended. 
I just hadn’t ever realized it before. 
Genny and i are reading a couple of books that talk about this very thing, our inner drive/desire/unrealistic-motivation to be “good girls”. You know, the sort of girl that does things so that people will like us, or so people (at the very least) won’t hate us. Mine is for women, and Gen’s book is for girls. 
And apparently, it’s really sinking in. 
Here’s the truth. I don’t wake up and turn the tv on. Ever. In fact, IF the tv turns on during the day at all, it’s in the late afternoon and that is usually by the thirteen year old, and even that is rare. But the point i am realizing is, WHO CARES? If you care, that’s your problem, not mine. I did spend the whole of last Sunday, on the couch in pajamas, watching Lifetime Christmas movies. Again, who cares. For dinner that night, my husband picked up McDonalds. Yet again, who cares? 
{Well, that time, I did care. i mean, yuck. It doesn’t taste good and it has the nutritional value of laundry detergent… }
Side note aside though, I am realizing this heavy and intense pressure that I have just accepted, in all of these small ways. While I have made it a definitive habit to not pass judgement upon other women in the world, their looks, style or ambitions- what I have instead done is stuck myself in an analization room. Scrutiny and comparisons have taken place of things like confidence and security.

It all boils down to the fact that, by the standards I have convinced myself I must live by, there is no way I could ever amount to anything.

That is no way to live. Yet most of us girls do it. I am so thankful to be realizing this, and for Genny to be able to identify and personalize it, before she is 36 like me…

What pressures do you put on yourself to be a “good” girl?  

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Nine…

Me-
– starting an 8 week fitness challenge with a few awesome friends. i am super excited!
– meeting with my new physical trainer, and establishing a fitness routine.
– finally nailing down as much editing as I can fit in this month.
– trying to be more disciplined with meditation time. 
Reading-
– still reading the same Emily Giffen book. (hard month of August. NOT SAD to see it be gone.)
– Starting the new Gretchen Rubin book Happy At Home. My BFF Deb and I loved the year we took to do The Happiness Project and are super excited to embark on this journey together.
– Get back to journaling. 
Us-
– starting a family gratitude challenge. I’m super excited…
– Getting back to school. New home program. I’m way excited about it. Optimistic.
– Celebrating our family anniversary (9th) and hoping we do it in an extra special way…
– picnic.
– apple picking.
– apple drying.

 Heart-
– quality time with one’s I love.
– striving for gratitude.
– writing more from the heart. 

Create-
– armoire renovation projects. (thanks, Pinterest!)
– working in a more dedicated way, on my Smash book.
– begin working on a few Christmas gifts. 
Home-
– Smoothies. Smoothies. LOADS of smoothies. Experimenting…
– a new cheesecake for my dear friend’s birthday.
– board games.
– new art projects.
– preserving.

Health-
– water. exercise.
– less sugar, more green.
– teas. natural beverages. 
Love-
– desperately hoping to squeeze a date night in… Maybe two. Don’t want to get too crazy…
– getting back into praying together and devotions. Summer wasn’t easy on us…
– tv snuggling.

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