forty things…

IMG_00261- A wonderful date with my husband to reconnect and celebrate us.

2- A beautiful movie (while on said date) which made me really think about being present and aware. I feel like I need reminding of that pretty regularly.

3- The hard moments which hurt so badly that your heart feels as though it’s shattering into a million lonely and broken pieces, but just may lead to something good and life affirming.

4- falling asleep quickly.

5- puppy snuggles.

6- friendship. The good, old fashioned kind of friends that muck around in the trenches of life’s yuckiest moments with you.

7- quality, cheesy, over played and over slow danced to love songs…

8- good, unexpected conversation with fellow out-of-state transplants.

9- cloudless, crisp, blue skies when you were expecting dreary grey ones.

10- good hair days.

11- great make up days, when it all just works out.

12- clean laundry, that smells awesome, and feels even more awesome because it’s warm and wonderful and the world is cold.

13- snuggly sweaters.

14- cups of warm chai lattes.

15- kitchens of friends who have cups of chai waiting.

16- options. Even when they aren’t what you thought they’d be, back when you were young and dreamed of adulthood, they are options and they are yours.

17- doing what you love. Even if it pays crap.

18- quoting a really great movie, and having another person know exactly what you meant and quoting a line from the same film back, without missing a beat.

19- quoting a really crappy movie that you love despite it’s huge suck quality, and the people around you thinking you’re an idiot and looking away awkwardly.

20- freshly painted toe nails.

21- knowing one of your best friends had one of the best nights of her life. Even if it was awful missing it, its really an amazing thing to know she had it- and for her to have shared a piece of it with you.

22- knowing one of your best friends is going through a horrible season in her life. You don’t love that she’s in that season, but you love that she’s let you in a little and you’re able to be there for her.

23- When your kids talk to you and let you in. That might possibly be the best thing ever.

24- a really great lip balm.

25- slow dancing in the kitchen to a cheesy, badly sung (by you), non-romantic song (alright, it was The Fox song) just to make a memory with your husband. And it was AWESOME.

26- Being a movie trailer junkie in an era where every movie trailer made is at your finger tips.

27- family photos. photos of family.

28- having your dad reach out to me the other day. It was very sweet and really touched me. {sidenote: I love my dad, I’m so grateful for him. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. I feel like I haven’t seen him in forever, and I hope to rectify that soon.}

29- getting the chance to see a friend in a community theater musical, with the family. it was a lovely Sunday afternoon.

30- Reconnecting with old friends from years ago, unexpectedly, at a new friends house.

31- Being a part of a community charity event that touched the lives of a lot of people and blessed us in the process.

32- My hands in my husband’s warm hands.

33- Reading a really great book after the last book you read  being pretty awful.

34- Nasal spray. It’s so faithful. During cold season, during allergy season.

35- working heaters.

36- that the snow hasn’t come yet, even though all of the nay-sayers were convinced it would be feet deep by now.

37- good quality lotion for dry, cold weather skin.

38- solving mysteries and burning questions, even when the answers might be a little sad.

39- crappy, disgusting brownies. It means less sugar you end up eating.

40- looking at the bright side, even when things seem pretty dim…

Dearest Tatyana…

Old Phone IsolatedI’m not even sure if this is how you spell your name.

I guess that I could call you and ask…

To say that you are, by far, one of the most randomly kindest people I’ve talked to in a long, long while, is an understatement. If some woman called me, at 6:20 in the morning, wondering why I was answering her husband’s phone when he was supposed to be at work- well, I might not have been as genuinely sweet as you were.

Thank you for several days of dealing with annoying calls and messages for my husband, and not understanding why in the world, after years of having your number, people were all of a sudden calling for this Chw guy.

And, in case I didn’t make it clear enough this morning, under the bizarre circumstances, you were nicer at 6:20 in the morning that I likely would have been in the middle of the day. I bet you shed a lot of light into the world… You KNOW how gloomy it is here today, and my whole day is beaming because of your kind demeanor this morning. People just aren’t kind anymore, myself included. You taught me a valuable lesson.

 

Pants on fire…

Longevity in relationships isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. The older I get, the more aware of that I become, even though I have to be honest- I just don’t understand it… I keep people in my life. I don’t make a habit of cutting them out, or throwing them away. The one exception would be a couple of bad-news high school friends, and my low-life step dad. That’s it. If I have ever “cut” someone out of my life, there was a really raw reason.

Also, as I’ve grown older though, I’ve realized I don’t have to be the only one to maintain a relationship either.

The other night, Chw and I were talking about a few instances of people who we deeply love, that have alienated themselves from us over the past year or two. It’s pretty hard not to feel deeply wounded by the personal rejection of these situations. One in particular has been down right heartbreaking and debilitating. As we discussed these different people though, (there are 6 over the course of 3 years) we found the only commonality were lies. Each person had lied to us, a lot. Each time, though the person was aware that we knew they were lying (because we said as much) we never got angry, judged them or anything of that nature. Even so, the result was complete division/abandonment on their part. Each instance hurt us, hurt our family- though one (possibly two of them) completely decimated our lives…

It’s been awhile. Time has passed. I feel like I should feel better, but I don’t. Why? Because I’m not one of those people who loses people. I love people. I literally journeyed through an emotional hell to become a mother and save my marriage. I fight for the people I have. No element of my family came easy. I love my people.

It’s interesting that in each situation the persons deceit worked that way. Whenever I’ve heard that “lies divide”, I always assumed it was referring to the lack of trust causing division, but it’s almost as though the liar distances themselves. Senseless tragedy if you ask me. People also love to say “no one loves a liar”, but I believe no one is just one thing. Not just a liar, or a thief, or  __________…

Anyway, This has been on my mind lately. Of course, with the holidays around the corner and just the general every day moments… Life is really just hard sometimes isn’t it? I wish reassuring people that you love them was enough, but clearly it isn’t.

tea & sweaters…

IMG_3907It’s been easy for me to see how others might not be making the effort to be grateful for the gifts of moments they have in their lives… Easy for me to criticize their bitter resentments and self-pity, all the while my gratitude journal lay collecting dust in the location last I scribbled in it. Around our house, we’re taking a hefty lesson in being grateful, reclaiming our spirit of joy and gratitude and noticing life around us…

– the chocolate milk mustache on that face that hides the trace of a child, for just a little while longer.

– the hospital bill that came, both because of what insurance covered and because for the first time in a very long time I can simply pay what’s owed.

– Big, fat rain drops that surprise me, upon my windshield, intermittent among the smaller ones.

– Small town streets lined with larger than life, flaming red leaves and paved with crisp golden hued walk ways.

– Neon pink and orange sunrise explosions, vibrant and symbolizing life-like only God can.

– stolen afternoons, peaceful outside sounds, to read and simply inhale through my soul.

– dental work… it’s true, *sigh* I’m grateful.

– that feeling of “enough”; Knowing I have enough.

– vicariously living through my husband and being able to “love on” loved ones who are far away.

– missing my daughter so much and then her beautiful face shows up in one hundred gorgeous photos.

– that it’s only a handful of hours between her budding family and us.

– so many amazing people died this weekend and that made Monday morning a truly sad place, but then I realized what an amazing impact each of those people have had on just their small portion of the world I’ve seen. Wow. How extraordinarily beautiful!

– that death isn’t an end.

– pots of tea as the days grow cooler.

– umbrellas hiding away in the car just when you need them.

– random texts or calls, from a friend, just because they were thinking of you.

– Slumber parties with my puppies.

– needing a sweater.

– inside celebrity jokes, or inside jokes of any kind really. It’s good to be gotten.

Dinosaurs, paper cameras and cover songs- oh my…

It has been one heck of week both inside my home and out…

I feel left speechless and shaking my head for a dozen, or more, different reasons.

At any rate, I could use a good distraction and maybe you could too. Here’s my friday list… {If you aren’t sure what I’m talking about, it’s just a list of things I’ve collected from around the internet, this week, that I’m either loving or found interesting… Consider it my highlights…}

– I may have mentioned this here, (I forget) but lately I am obsessed with covers. Also, one of my FAVORITE singers is Dallas Green. Have you heard his cover of Alicia Key’s Un-Thinkable (I’m Ready)? Haunting and I’ve gotta say- it stirs me…

– I know that everyone’s been talking about the shutdown. Some are sick of it, and many can’t get enough ranting in… This isn’t really a rant. This is just a list of 21 ways the shut down affects us that we may not be aware of… (and I have a question… why does a family of four need a staff of 90 to care for them?) Ok. I guess that might be a rant.

– BUT, don’t lose hope on people just yet… Seriously. :)

– I know a gal, through a gal… And she made this. She’s amazing, no? It’s awesome. I’m in awe.

– Who hasn’t had a “dinosaur experience” of their own? This is one of my favorite blogs, but this post rocked my world.

If you have anything awesome to share- please do! (great cover songs most especially!)