Mae @ Rainydayinmay

I’m afraid to say it…

Published on September 6, 2011 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

I literally spent the weekend, on the couch unbelievably sick, watch Season 1 of the OC. I totally want to say I am not proud, but I love this show so completely much that it makes me a little proud.
And a little sad that I missed it when it was airing.
But really, I LOVE it. Great writing. Great story. NOTHING like those traditional sex fest teen soaps…

Anyway, on that note (and the fact that I’m still feeling completely horrible), i will simply follow this with today’s letter…

This letter could be for you…

For every person that I never mustered up the courage to talk to, though I deeply wanted to, due to my insecurities and all round ridiculously inhibited self… I tell myself, every time that I will regret my decision to stay quiet.
I do regret it, every time…

I ask myself, what if they’re hurting? What if they need a friend? But who am I kidding, really? It is really out of my own completely selfish desire for friends that I want to say hello, and also why I don’t.
Fear.
Fear of eventual rejection.
Fear of heart break.
Fear of loneliness.
I guess that is why people say that fear is crippling. It paralyzes those it chooses…

The thing is, dear stranger, that I want to know you. I want to know of the things that trouble you. I want to know of the things that delight you. I want you to know that, should you truly need someone, I would faithfully be there for you.

Ironically though, how would you know that since I couldn’t even say hello?

At least I’ve thought about it, right?

M

Dream Weaver…

Published on September 5, 2011January 17, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

Dear Dreams,

It seems a cruel act of fate that I haven’t started to place true value in your possibilities until I am in my mid-thirties, therefore making it far more difficult to achieve you now.

Please forgive me for being a low learner.

Please be persistent in supporting me to not give up on you.

Please don’t give up on me…

Tip the scales in my favor, a little bit, will you? I promise not to complain.

Hugs and Kisses,

Two halves…

Published on September 4, 2011 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Sher,

You have cried to me, on more than one occasion, about how I refuse to call you my best friend. Try and try as I might, I can’t get you to grasp the fact that our sisterhood is so much bigger and deeper than any friendship could be. The lifetimes and volumes of interwoven history that we have is among the dearest treasures, in my life. Every laugh, every tear contains a spiritual DNA which bonds us together in a way that no one, or thing, could ever penetrate.

Even my closest of friends have held but moments, while you were keeping my heart and secrets safe long before those moments were even dreamed into existence.

I love you.

I love your heart, I love your kindness, I love your sensitivity.

I love YOU, sister…

dear parents

Published on September 3, 2011January 17, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay3 Comments

Dear Parents,

I address this letter generically because, without ever really meaning to, you made my family what it is today. The lessons that I have learned from you have kept my life raft afloat when so many others would have simply sank.

You taught me, father, that the term fatherhood is irrelevant in comparison to things like cowardice and self centered behavior. You denied me, for years, only to draw me in and later shove me out… I learned, from you, what a father should be like and you {regardless of what your loved children feel} are not it. For ages I felt rejection and inadequacy. Then one day it dawned on me- a TRULY good father wouldn’t even abandon one child.
No. A TRULY good father is a genuinely good man… He would man up.

Mom, best or worst of intentions aside- you taught me to fight for the things {and the people} I love. The way I felt, all of those years, when you looked the other way and chose not to fight for me was as close to unbearable as anything has ever been. To even consider someone I love feeling a fraction of that kills me.

As for my stepdad, Charlie, I owe you some form of twisted gratitude as well. Your years of childhood violation and sexual abuse gave me the ability to have an empathy and understanding for my daughter and the abuses she endured before becoming a part of my family. Though, for years, I hated you and what you had done to me- I love the bond that I have with her. You are a monster. You live near a school. These are two things that stay present, at the forefront of my thoughts, every single day… But my silver lining is that I can love my daughter through her healing.

To my dad, the man who invested in me when my father jumped ship and hid- thank you. Everything good I learned from you. The ways a man should treat his wife. The way a father should love his child. The way a man should laugh and be. Because of you I learned that the overwhelming and all consuming love that a parent should feel for a child has NOTHING to do with blood, or DNA, or anything else like that.

Because of the four of you, and your very different efforts I have the perfect family. I have children, not of my womb, whom I love more than my heart knew possible.
I am not a perfect parent… Some days I am probably more bad than good. Irrefutably though, I ALWAYS love my kids.
I ALWAYS fight for my kids.
I would never abandon them. Ever.

So whole heartedly, thank you…

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XOXO…

Published on September 2, 2011January 17, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay5 Comments

Dear James,

You don’t mind if I call you that, do you? For the vein of such a letter, something like Mr. McAvoy seems a tad formal… Unless I were to revert to some inner Jane Austin voice, which truthfully only pitter patters my heart a bit faster.
Then, of course, you would be Mister McAvoy…
*swoon*
…
…
Is it warm in here? My it’s a warm day, for September…
I feel faint…
You would have been the perfect man.
Er, for Jane, i mean.
I happen to adore my husband. He is my number one man.
If you ever, by chance, found yourself in Boise though, we could grab a drink and talk.
Or you could talk because, between you and I, I sort of just want to sit and listen to you for pretty much ever.
And see your smile…

Eventually, I would have to bring you home to meet my youngest daughter because you are Mr. Tumnis AND Penelope’s love. She wouldn’t stand for missing the chance to grill you for hours and hit you up for any acting contacts you might have for her…

My husband would meet you, as well. I hope that wouldn’t be too awkward, for you. You probably wouldn’t have to hide the love for me that you’d reciprocate. He’s pretty understanding. {He’s a pretty cool guy, my husband.}

Maybe we could just meet up somewhere on location…
That would be your location, of course. I am a writer… and not some cool travel journalist or anything, either. I am the sit at home, in pajamas type.
I promise not to wear pajamas on location. That’s just a home thing… I wear real clothes in public.
Or we could not go out in public. Whatever…

I am sure you are very busy so if you maybe just wanted to call me later, or skype me- skype is better- that would work. If you are feeling tired and drained you could just read to me. I’d love that too… Makes my intent to only listen seem a bit less awkward…

At any rate, today was a letter-to-my-crush day, and that- Mister McAvoy- is undoubtedly you…

XOXO,

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