Author: Mae @ Rainydayinmay

Desert native who claims the Pacific Northwest at home, while currently residing the Northeast. Lifecoach, Podcaster, PR writer, essay author, imaginary poet and every day dreamer...

Who I miss the most…

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i thought long and hard, on this. I miss so many people. People gone, people still living; long distance family members and friends… long since distanced friendships… But who did I miss the most?

There has only ever been one person who I would instantly need to call when the world fell apart. Only one person who held my number 1 place on speed dial when parenting issues arose, health issues scared me or life drama burned itself into me.

As if there were any question who I missed the most. Of course it’s you… Within in the library of my brain there are more volumes stored complete with memories, moments and hearty conversations with you than any other. Like the bell of a cathedral, your laugh still rings through my thoughts every day. I am unable to see such things as sunflowers, butterflies or tiny framed mothers without a pierce through my soul.

I miss you most, when I don’t feel well.
I miss you most when motherhood moments leave me scared, frustrated or confused.
I miss you most when my husband and I argue.
I miss you most when I need a recipe.
Or any form of advice.
Or any conversation at all.
I miss you the most…

I am constantly criticized for my dislike of talking on the phone and I just realized- the day you died, I hated to pick up the line.

I love you, Mom.

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set a drift…

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I miss you… 
The resurfacing of you brought a lot of relief and love to the forefront. The tragic loss of a friendship lost because damaged people, (and we both fit the bill there) have a really difficult time in healthy relationships. 
You were my BEST friend. 
The only person with whom I could lay a secret, fear or dream to rest and know that it was safe. 
When damaged personas (ours) reared their ugly heads and an ocean of garbage was suddenly between us, I broke in half. Half of me drifted off, elsewhere. 
As melodramatically as I can muster- it killed the me I could have been.
Would have been.
Should have been. 
When suddenly, a lifetime later and you were back in my life- i felt whole again. 
It was just a moment, reunited, but in that moment I learned a lot. 
As crappy as everything since then has been, i would do it again and again and again if I was able to know that you were ok. 
And happy… 
In an alternate world somewhere, our kids are friends and our families are close. like sitcom families always seem to be… In this world, we had our moments and i am grateful for them. 

I miss you. 
But we can not go back… 
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a twenty year old lie…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment
I am not sure if this letter, which none of you will ever see, is intended for you, your sister or your mother… 
I am stupid. I was stupid. 
I don’t know what happened. honestly I don’t. 
Words were said, images were painted and circumstances were manipulated. I can say, wholeheartedly that I have no responsibility in that part of it. 
I do bear all of the responsibility in the original lie though. 
The very beginning of a snowball I couldn’t have predicted and wouldn’t have believed if some divine being had attempted to warn me. 
No matter what though, I’m sorry. 
I have been achingly, painfully sorry since that day. 
I am so sorry. 
I am so sorry for the pain your family endured. For your dad. 
I wish you could forgive me… I’ve never forgiven me… 
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don’t stop believing…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment
Dear Me, 
When prompted to pen a letter to the person(s) I hate the most, or the person(s) who brought me the most pain, I uncomfortably had to admit that was you. Amidst any childhood traumas or abuses that occurred; amidst bad boyfriends and broken hearts or miscarriages and injustices- the tally of self inflicted hell piles higher and higher than all the rest. 
Arguably I contemplated that perhaps the cutting and the intentional scarring wouldn’t have happened without the cruelty and pain caused by another. While this is probably true, I kept coming back to the mantra of my thirties… 
Choice. There is always a choice. 
When someone else turned their feeling for me into hatred, it was up to me whether I chose to love myself in spite of them, or follow their lead. 
I chose. 
Every self destructive lie, wrong kiss, or self targeted arrow never bettered anything. No microsecond of numbness could ever have made a dent in the pain you gave me. 
The pain I gave you. 
Old habits die hard. I’ve been able to dull or destroy most of them. Still though, that lingering fear of failure- which might be the instrument with which you beat me senseless, repetitively for as long as I can remember- refuses to leave. It points to the scars that no one else is to blame for, and mocks me. 
I’ve learned to love me more than I loathe me, though. It feels like a good step. 
I have learned I deserve peace and warmth, light and good things. That is definitely a good step. 
Step by step, I’ll get there. It may take my entire life to redeem the damage you have inflicted, but I will get there for this is a journey worth taking… 
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the grandest of loves…

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I wish I had known, even that morning, how grey the world would be without you there to pick up the other end of my phone call. i wish i had known, that Sunday afternoon, that my proclamation of love for you would have been my last.
That horrible Tuesday I saw how a mile long list of good intentions and excuses can instantly turn to twelve miles of sorry regret. I imagine the chance to see you one last time, to flood the apologies for never saying enough, doing enough or being enough.
It took death for me to see that it wasn’t ever that i couldn’t be enough for you as much as the truth that your eyes and your love believed more for me.
Maybe both of us struggled, with one another, when it came to intention and self expression…

At any rate, when that gift of another face to face one day comes- I hope I don’t crowd it with unnecessary apologies. You loved me. i hope to, instead, just rekindle my girl child heart with the flame of light in your eyes and take your hand in mine. For five long years you’ve been back with your husband and loving on my babies. Some days I can not wait to come join the party…

Save me a seat. thanks for loving me, always. I love you too, grandma…

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