don’t stop believing…

Dear Me, 
When prompted to pen a letter to the person(s) I hate the most, or the person(s) who brought me the most pain, I uncomfortably had to admit that was you. Amidst any childhood traumas or abuses that occurred; amidst bad boyfriends and broken hearts or miscarriages and injustices- the tally of self inflicted hell piles higher and higher than all the rest. 
Arguably I contemplated that perhaps the cutting and the intentional scarring wouldn’t have happened without the cruelty and pain caused by another. While this is probably true, I kept coming back to the mantra of my thirties… 
Choice. There is always a choice. 
When someone else turned their feeling for me into hatred, it was up to me whether I chose to love myself in spite of them, or follow their lead. 
I chose. 
Every self destructive lie, wrong kiss, or self targeted arrow never bettered anything. No microsecond of numbness could ever have made a dent in the pain you gave me. 
The pain I gave you. 
Old habits die hard. I’ve been able to dull or destroy most of them. Still though, that lingering fear of failure- which might be the instrument with which you beat me senseless, repetitively for as long as I can remember- refuses to leave. It points to the scars that no one else is to blame for, and mocks me. 
I’ve learned to love me more than I loathe me, though. It feels like a good step. 
I have learned I deserve peace and warmth, light and good things. That is definitely a good step. 
Step by step, I’ll get there. It may take my entire life to redeem the damage you have inflicted, but I will get there for this is a journey worth taking… 
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One thought on “don’t stop believing…

  1. I wrote a couple letters to the people I hate the most. expressing my feelings for the way they treat me, my fiance, my son…it's Mikes brother and his wife. and I actually emailed it to them.nothing happened. then I hear from Mike's OTHER brother they were discussing the threat of a restraining order against me. which totally blew me away!!then the wife posted my home address on her facebook page and encouraged her friends to "ride out with pitch forks" I had to move in with my mom for several days. My fiance convinced me to not call the authorities.I even wrote a blog post called "going home" I should have known that people this cruel and evil would threaten me in that way. when the wife pushed over my 6 month old son and called him spawn..among a few other things. she promptly denied it (of course) when I called her out.how do you give yourself closure when there really is no closure? Part of the reason I decided to start a new blog a few months ago. I kept getting this fear that she was watching me.I used to be Strawberry Freckles (not sure if you remember me then??) I'm moving on…I'd say I'm about 80% there. I'd like to get to the point where they don't have power over me – power to destroy my self confidence, my happiness…. I know that they only have as much power as I give them.I think talking about it helps. I think what frustrates me the most is she shows the world that she's this perfect wife, friend, mentor…. and I (and a few others I know) realize the truth of her lies. It makes me angry to know she's like this and is such a pretender. That she and her husband believe they're so above it all. high horses. they sit in judgement of me and the choices I've made with my employment, my child, my decision to not get married (yet)….

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