Mae @ Rainydayinmay

To the girl i wish i could be…

Published on September 18, 2011 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

to the girl who never lets fear get in her way.

to the girl who bows down to nothing, never folding on her integrity or confidence- this letter is to you. To the callused finger tips, so fluent in cello that sometimes words feel like a foreign language on your tongue. To the book deal where money truly is irrelevant because this dream was never about the dollar sign as much as it was about the love and the passion, the drive to write words that could touch people.

to the words written that will touch people…

to the never burning dinner, patient and loving wife who incidentally also ribbons in as mom-of-the-year- this letter is yours.

You knit your own glorious caps and sweaters, you roam about town in designer boots and jeans. Your handbags scream stylish bits about your personality. Every friend you know is a tried and true one.

You never argue with your husband.

You never yell at your kids.

You pay your bills on time.

You have a house keeper.

You love people, every day. Your love, of people and for God, seeps from every project you take on.

You live wrinkle and grey hair free, in my dreams.

You are a much smaller, happier size with perkier places with an even tempered peace and reassurance about you.

When you smile, there is no nagging “but…” behind those eyes. Authentic, genuine happiness is your way.

You are the standard I wake up to, every morning… the screamer of the short comings I add up to, ever night.

You aren’t real, which makes the daily quest an impossibility…

But oh, I wish I were you…

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Someone from your childhood…

Published on September 17, 2011January 17, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

This letter is for a J name that I can actually stand behind, because J, you know how much I love…

In fact, I don’t even know what to say to you, there is just so much.

You, you are excitement…

You are adventure… Glamour and glitter, fashion and fame.

You, my dear, are truly, truly, truly outrageous.

Thanks for being the rockin’est element of my youthful years…

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Joy…

Published on September 16, 2011January 17, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay7 Comments

I am taking part in this weeks Five Minute friday, even though I wasn’t planning on it due to the letters. Reading Gypsy Mama’s post this morning really tugged at my heart strings…

So here goes…

Start.

The giggle of a toe headed, ringlet crowned girl reminds me of something I often ignore. It isn’t ever that i forget because I am way too smart for that.

No, i grab hold of a reason to feel another thing- be it resentment or sadness, self pity or exhaustion, and I simply pretend like joy isn’t mine to have.

Joy.

Joy during the dark storm clouds. During the fat droplets of umbrella-less rain.

Joy when sleep stubbornly refuses to come my way.

Joy when my pot boils over, because is it not a blessing to have the bubbling water, source of cooking and pasta anyhow?

It’s so easy to think of. Easy to convict myself of all of the reasons to find joy in every second of every moment, in every moment of every day. Easy.

And yet.

Yet, i flee from it for something more comfortable- something ugly.

Something I believe to be more me.

Seeing truth in this joylessness, seeing the honesty in my reason might not be enough to remember to grasp for the option less chosen. But it also might be the motivation I need.

Today. Now. At 8:20 in the morning I’ve embraced joy and I’m not letting go…

End.

i blame germany…

Published on September 16, 2011 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

I miss you.

A lot.

I miss the way you laugh, and the talks we have. I miss the life that you bring home, just when you walk through the door.

I miss that good, secure, mom feeling when the door is locked and night and I know that you are there, under our roof, sleeping.

I miss you being big-brother-mean to Genny.

I miss goodnight hugs. See you later hugs.

I miss movie chats, and watching them.

Chw misses you too. Projects and dreaming of projects…

I miss that too…

I miss how happy we all are when you are here, because we feel more whole. Complete.

The basketball hoop misses you.

It gets, pretty much ignored, when you aren’t here.

Against our knowledge a rather large family of wasps moved into it, over the summer. I suspect they are illegals. I am allergic, you know. The last time I was stung, i was hospitalized. It was ugly. I was stung by a German hornet. Now suddenly we have a family of illegals living in our hoop. Germans? Maybe… Anything is possible.

Germany, and eventually somewhere much uglier, hotter and more dangerous, is way too far away. I know it’s not your fault, and I know you’d come home today if you could. I also feel it’s only fair to warn you that I’m not kidding at all when I say that once you come home- you won’t leave. i won’t let you. i know I’ve said it before, but this experience has taught me that drastic measures are needed…

At any rate, if I ever get all emotional on skype and try telling you about the wasps and how much they make me think of you- now you’ll know what I mean.

They only serve to remind me of this blindingly horrible thing that i couldn’t forget even if I wanted to…

I miss you.

A lot.

You should totally see her, she’s a doll…

Published on September 15, 2011January 17, 2013 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay6 Comments

No wonder I always fail themed blog months. Apparently I have a very short attention span… While it’s been a cathartic journey/experience- I need a break.

anyway, I had to interrupt the letters to let you know a few things…

Like the fact that I am still sick. It is ridiculous, actually. Like, REALLY ridiculous. I am feeling better, (as of yesterday) which helps. Especially since I managed to find enough energy to go to the orchard and purchase a load of canning tomatoes, apples and peaches. My problem has been that every night when I would sip my codeine laced cough syrup- i would tell myself that tomorrow would be the day when i was better.

I have been sick for 15 days, ya’ll. Really, really sick.

anyway, facing the overwhelming reality of piles of produce- i had no choice.

So, I dried apples, (seemed easier), canned tomatoes and canned peaches and peach butter…

I feel accomplished.

and exhausted.

But I digress…

We got a dog. that’s really the most important thing. A puppy, actually. A real, life, puppy. It’s only been three weeks since we had to put Makaila down, and while we miss her and were certain we’d have months in between her passing and a puppy commitment- things changed.

Mostly Paisley. Every day, since Makaila has been gone, she’s grown more and more depressed. Nothing we could do would shake her funk. Then, we stumbled upon someone needing to get rid of puppies and they were a breed we could handle. All in all, the timing and everything aligned so we took the plunge.

Or rather, Chw did.

Makaila was his dog, and he made it clear a puppy was a FAR OFF possibility- if a possibility at all.

But he met and fell head over heals in love with Emma.

He adores her.

And that makes me happy…

We all love her, the little stinker- except Paisley. Go figure. It’s actually pretty annoying.

Without further ado- meet Emma…

{yes, she dumps her food out and carries the dish… stinker. And look at her sweet pink dotted nose. LOVE}