Please…

If you are of the positive thoughts/praying sort, please keep my mom in those thoughts and prayers today. 
She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer a few weeks back, which was a shock to us all. 
Today she sees her doctor to determine the next step… 
It’s really hard being some two thousand miles away as this happens. My heart simply wants to be there with her… 
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Huge…

Seven months ago, our world was rocked (in a bad way) quite a few repetitive times… Since that time, the ripples and aftershocks have been equally as electric and altering.
In the beginning I wondered what i was meant to learn, retain and blossom from. Selfishly I scoped out the situations, thinking i would find my direction quick enough and our little planet could right itself.

Silly, silly me.

Today, as I look at the huge days looming ahead, I realize that I am shaping and changing, though I hadn’t really seen it until recently. My scope is widening and things that meant so much mean little  these days. It’s interesting…
it’s a little frightening…
But most of all, it’s really good.

Hopefully I will be able to be more transparent once this has all actually passed us. There has been so much… There is still, so much.

To date, this is the biggest and most vital week our family has known… 

Deep breath… 
Wish me luck! 
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A study on home…

If you have never had an adoptive homestudy done, let me tell you that it’s sort of like having your belly sliced open leaving your guts there in the spotlight for all to see and analyze. Even leading up to that point though, the process of self in answering all of the questions and writing the biographies is intense. 
Half way through that, one evening, Chw looked at me and said “Wow, I never realized this about myself…” And to me, this made perfect sense. 
Pretty much, everyone should have to have a homestudy. 
There’s something about it that makes you be better, strive for better and believe in your family a little bit more. 
I can say this and know what I’m talking about because we’ve done them three times, and each time I feel just like this… 
Ironically, there were things (pre-this last homestudy) that we had decided to close the door on. One of these such things was growing our family any more. 
We felt tired and old. 
It just seemed exhausting and overwhelming… 
And then, this homestudy came and went and suddenly we felt renewed. 
What if we aren’t done quite yet? 
Heck, I’m on 36. Way too young to be headed in the last stretch towards empty nesting… 
So who knows what will happen. Maybe our path will be led to just the right kid, or kids, for us… Maybe this will just be the nudge we need into reapplying to be foster parents. 
Who knows… 
But the really weird part about it is- i am ok with not knowing… This crazy legal debacle of the past 8 months has reshaped me, in that way. Whatever the path, the husband and I are ready. :) 
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Dear today…

Thank you for the crisp air, 
the blue sky, 
and the sunshine. 
I love autumn… 
I love the walks, the holding hands 
and the routine. 
I love the illuminating leaf changes, 
the cozy sweaters 
and the earlier sunsets… 
I love the farmer’s markets of fall vegetables
and the way they warm our bellies after slow roasting in the oven. 
It’s a good season, the best season, and I journey to live authentically and love moments intentionally so that I waste not, my gift of fall. 
Oh today, today, I plan to read away the afternoon with a chai latte in my left hand and  kindle in my right…
May nothing spoil the harvest of some rejuvenating personal time. 
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Always be…

Easier said than done? Absolutely… 
Am I an expert? Absolutely NOT…
I have developed the habit of talking about how HARD this year has been, for us. Financially with unexpected legal expenses and almost tripling our medical debt, due to completely worthless health insurance. For months we had our family’s geographical location/future hanging in the balance. My mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer, it’s been a HARD year to be parents and the list goes on from there… 
It’s been a hard year for us. What feels like an unending season of one-thing-after-another… 
But my frame of mind hasn’t been helping. Each time a discouraging phone call or piece of criticism lands in my lap, my mind is quick to say just add it to the stack of crap, is this year almost over???

I used to be a total rockstar about keeping a positive frame of mine. I 100% believe in the power of positive thinking. In fact, when i am in the position to encourage a friend- this is the junk i hand to them. 
And yet… 
And yet there are beautiful things too. And tiny moments of humor, laughter, love and friendship tucked into the hard. And I need to remind myself, difficult and painful isn’t always ugly. I am a mom to three amazing kids, despite the years of illness and miscarriage- after all. Difficult and painful can lead to the most beautiful… 
One step at a time… 
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