Category: marriage

The truth is sound…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay11 Comments

It’s no coincidence that the word for my final sense, to discuss, has a second meaning of firm, solid, foundational…

This week my sister and her husband had to make the excruciating decision to send their three children (whom we are incredibly attached to) to another state to live, for awhile. On top of that, my mother had two major surgeries, several dangerous days in ICU- all culminating in her needing 9 liters of blood, which opens up an entirely new string of problematic possibilities…

But the one thing that has screamed itself known, throughout my week, is the very thing I’d known I would blog about today, before…

Before my son was injured in military training.
Before my mom had the most difficult night (healthwise) of her life.
Before my niece and nephews left for this new chapter in their lives…

Sound. The importance of sound, from (and to) those we love. At least I thought I was blogging about it’s importance, but really- today- I admit importance is actually an understatement. Vitality is the word.

To a mother, exhausted from labor, waiting for her baby’s cry…
To the wife, whose husband fights a war on the other side of the ocean…
To a child, frightened and sleep strewn from nightmares…
Sound is everything.

When I heard my mama’s voice, after that long ICU laden night of not knowing- i heard heaven.

and it reminded me, of those literal aching moments of needing to hear my husband’s voice.
of those miscarriage laced years of feeling i’d die without ever hearing the sounds of a child’s laughter fill my home.

Then again, there’s an ugly flipside. Though the childhood adage tells us words can never hurt us, they can… They can break bonds, destroy marriages, crumble childhoods and take down a nation. Gossip can ruin reputations and relationships. Sound can lead to broken hearts…

There are moments when sound is everything…

Today in my 28 day challenge, I will:

– bite my tongue.
– use my words well, and wisely.
– memorize their voices- their laughter… for today is a gift with no guarantee…

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Your lover smells…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay10 Comments
This week, as I’m making my main focus love and my family- well, things haven’t been going the best. We’ve had  a lot of major life scares, injuries and difficult (unexpected) good byes. It’s tempting to throw in the towel and say “forget it… my mind is elsewhere!” But I can’t… I’ve tried to stay attentive to my goals at hand. I’ve been so blessed to receive emails and comments about other women who have decided to use their February’s in similar ways. 
Anyway- this week I’ve been spotlighting the sensual. Today I wanted to touch, briefly, on smell… 
After my husband and I were first married, some seventeen years ago, I noticed this fragrance that certain areas of his skin had. The strongest patch was between his upper lip and nose. It was a divine smell and sky-rocketted to the top of my Reasons I am Madly in Love with Chw list…
Now, I’m no different that anyone else. There are times and areas of my life when I can be exceptionally shallow. This was one of those time areas. I didn’t understand, until 2004 really, how vital something like that was. Over the 18 months that we were physically apart, prior to our reconciliation, I would have moments where I achingly missed- not him- that scent. I felt, almost as though it and I belonged together. In 2004 when we began attachment therapy, one of the very first things they had us do with Genny was to pick a soothingly scented lotion and spend 20 minutes rubbing it into first our hands and arms, then her legs, feet, hands, arms and tummy. Both Chw and I had to carry around small bottles of this lotion and put it on dozens of times a day, BUT we could only put it on her in the evening when we were beginning our attachment routines. The point of this was that she would learn to recognize her own smell as a part of ours. That, throughout the day as I brushed her hair or played with her, she catch the scent in passing and begin to know she belonged to that. 
Like magic- it worked*. Though we still have RAD rages and all of the not-fun stuff that goes along with such a disorder, she’s attached. Her attachment to me is much deeper than Chw, and unfortunately we attribute this to the key years he worked in a job where he traveled much more than he was home. At any rate, the power of smell- among lovers and family may be one of the strongest sensual bonding agents there is…
Today, in my 28 day challenge to love, I will: 
– Remind my husband, when I kiss him, how very much I love that scent of his…
– give my daughter a manicure using scented lotion, and just take that time to dote on how truly special and loved she is. 

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Seeing is loving…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay7 Comments

I was sitting on the couch, typing away on my laptop. The dogs were excited and playful because Chw had just walked in the door after a long day of work. Genny, in her tween I am the center of the world charming fashion, ran right up to her daddy and started hounding him for something super selfishly annoying urgent, when he just lost his cool…
Amidst the barking, bouncing and incessant chatter he failed to see that the message truly being handed him was saying we love you and we’re glad your home.

It’s almost always the same story, every Monday through Friday. Some days he’s had a great day and he’s more receptive of the high energy welcome. Other days, like the one I just mentioned, his nerves simply can not take it.

On this particular day in question though, which hadn’t been a cake walk for me either, I got annoyed at his response. “They’re just happy to see you.” I snapped. While we didn’t exactly have an argument, the atmosphere was one laced more with hostility than anything, and words were exhanged. As he went to take a shower and rant about me in his own mind, I began dinner preparations where I proceeded to fume even more. I was, after all, the one in the right. How could he be so self consumed in his irritations not to see that this was- (mostly, with the exception of a small percentage of his 11 year old’s selfishness well meaning ways…) his home and if he didn’t want his family lovingly greeting him than maybe he should go elsewhere after work… (while he was likely thinking, why can’t she see that I had a hard day and I just needed to come home to a home of calm and peace?)

I wish I could say that it was like the instant flick of a light switch that reality came to me- or that the above scenario was a one time moment- but that would be a lie. I am a hypocrite. I don’t always see my husband. Sure, I look his direction and know when he enters a room, bit I don’t take the time to truly see him. To see the heart behind his actions, or the things etched plainly in his expression that he hopes I’ll notice. In my deadline rush or other busy filled hours I don’t always stop to look at my kids when they talk. There are times when I don’t stop to put myself in their position and try to see where they are coming from. I’m sad to say, more often than I wish, I jump to conclusions only to later realize that if I would have just paused to truly look at my husband/kid/mother/friend/________________, then I would have saved everyone involved some serious hurt…

On a positive note, we’ve established the routine that he comes home to a peaceful and quiet home, greeted by his wife. He’ll then, go in and see Genny who will be peacefully doing whatever it is she needs to be doing at that time. It works well. It transitions nicely and, on the flip side, if we’ve had a busy day it gives us a small portion to process the day and wind down from it as we head into the evening with our family.
It obviously doesn’t solve everything. I still fail to see my them sometimes. I’m trying to be much better at this…
And when I fumble at it, I’ll look directly into their eyes and ask them to forgive me.

Today, in my 28 day challenge, I will:

– Stay present, and in the moment, when I am with my family. I will not only see their face, as they speak, but how they say it. I will try to place myself in their perspective and see why they feel the way they do.
– I will have a staring contest with my daughter. 

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How flavor defines a marriage…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

There is this saying, among circles of parents with attachment disorder kids that Sugar is a Mommy’s Love. Pretty much, the theory is that you give these kids (whom you desperately love as they lash out and push you away, regardless of your best efforts) candy to eat when you aren’t with them. You tell them over and over that candy is your way of reaffirming “I love you”, when you can’t be there to show it.
It may be weird, but it works…

Which isn’t really that different than any of us really… Sad? We eat some ice cream. Cold? We make a big pot of soup. PMSing? Grab the chocolate.

As much as research seems to point a finger at comfort food being the downfall of a society, I think they’ve got it all wrong. (sidenote: perhaps that downfall is EXCESS. anyway) I mean, how many otherwise great dinner dates can be damaged because of a bad meal out?

The reality is that taste, at it’s core, is a sensual process. It is so that our moment can be enhanced. (though some times the current flavor does the opposite, obviously.) Taste is as much of a shared experience as any other involving of our senses. While eating a half gallon of ice cream, with a wooden spoon- hiding in one’s closet is not a healthy habit- that doesn’t mean that never sharing an ice cream cone with your child or attempting to recreate the Spaghetti scene (ala’ Lady and the Tramp) with your husband is something to feel guilty about later.

One of my favorite things to do with my husband is to cook. While he doesn’t particularly like to be the one on dinner duty, when we are working together in the kitchen we both agree it’s FUN! Quality conversation and moments ensue- and almost always, whatever we created tastes fantastic. This is no different than the moments in the kitchen I’ve had with my kids either. Then again, I love to cook… But, my family also loves to eat. We share dishes, we explore new restaurants and flavors. These things have grown important to us, so that evenings around our dinner table aren’t monotonous forkfuls of food into our mouth- but quality togetherness…

It may sound funny but while Sugar may be a Mother’s love- Taste is a testament to my family’s…

And every Saturday’s brunch at home, (unless we go out to brunch together) is the proof of this collaboration of love.

Today, for my 28 day challenge I will:
– Have a dinner date with my husband, where we simply cook and create something together after Gen’s in bed. We’ll dine, by candlelight, with soothing music in the background and conversation between us.
– I will surprise Genny with breakfast in bed.
– I will bake my family their favorite cookies so, when they eat them, they can be reminded of how much I love them. 

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The Beatles totally got it…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay8 Comments

A few days ago my oldest daughter was talking about making a list for the type of guy she wants. I had to smile because it reminded me of a list I myself had made, back in the day. In the days after a few high school heart breaks, but about a month and a half before I met Chw.

As any seventeen year old girl’s list would have, mine contained a few fairly shallow hopes. Beyond those, though, the one thing that I wouldn’t even consider budging on was that this guy, whomever he’d be, would have to have amazing hands. Great hands. Warm hands to hold. Hands that looked great, worked hard, loved to be held and could encompass mine.

The night of mine and Chw’s first kiss, (which happened after he asked if he could kiss me, just like i’d written on my wish list) I really took note of his hands. No, that’s not true… I fell in love with his hands. Seventeen years later, I grow to love them more everyday.

Those hands have comforted me through miscarriages.
They have wiped away countless broken and aching tears.
They have signed his name to some of my most treasured letters and cards.
They have dialed my cell number when he’s needed me.
They have paved the way for our family to have a roof over our heads and food on the table.
They have worked, along side my hands, to provide stimulation and therapy for our Reactive Attachment Disorder child when she’s needed it the most.
They tightly lace their beautiful fingers with mine, as we’re walking.
They rub my neck and forehead when I’m lost in a migraine.
They brush our daughters hair and play board games with her.
They are creative- they draw, they paint, they build.

Those hands, his hands, they reach for mine even when he’s deep in sleep…

Having a child with an attachment disorder has this way or redefining nearly everything about your life. For us, touch and affection was at the top of that list. Though his hands may have been an important romantic notion, when I was seventeen, they became the glue that would preserve both mine and our daughter’s sanity through the darkest times.

Today, in my 28 day challenge I will:
– Intentionally reach out to comfort my hard working husband. I will rub his hands, his neck and his shoulders. I will be affectionate with him. I will appreciate him, and all that he does, and make sure that he knows this…
– I will hold my daughters hand. I will brush her hair and love her. I will hold her. 

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