marriage – Page 28

Dawning…

Published on September 9, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay3 Comments

Last week my youngest became a Sophomore in high school. Next week, my oldest daughter will be a bride. In each of their lives (and as a mom, for me as well) these are defining moments, yet somehow I sit here wondering what is next for me… I have all of these goals, that haven’t really changed much, over the years. My life has. Time has. Timing has. Things around me have changed, like headlights on a late night busy highway, speeding through… These goals, hopes, plans and dreams remain. Unattained, unstepped towards, Un…

And suddenly I am forced to self reflect and of course I come to the conclusion that this simply will not do…

It seems like the majority of themes in books about 30-40 somethings is that marriages and families fall apart because the characters stopped. They stopped seeing each other, stopping feeling seen by others, or stopped caring about something, stopped pursuing something, stopped something. In my own life, it does feel like the majority of my milestones happened long ago, and suddenly I live vicariously through the milestones of my kids. That can’t be right, can it? I mean, surely? Is that at the heart of why marriages fail, affairs happen, careers tank, etc? Is it because people just needed something that was theirs? Some milestone to mark an age and tether them to a time period and bring them back to their own lives a little? Because, to me this sounds partly insane and partly 100% sound.

All of that to say, I’m not doing any of those things, but as I consider the fact that it has been a really, really long time since anything in my life happened that was for me, I got to wondering what happens when someone else feels the same. And I don’t mean that all whiny, like “What about me??? Why don’t I ever get to do anything???” I mean, as adults who are married and parents, we lose ourselves a little. (or sometimes, a lot.) When you throw into the mix special needs parenting, it’s even tougher. Actually, this brings to mind the movie Catfish. Have you seen it? If you have, then maybe you realize I just illustrated my own question with a cinematic answer…

Maybe, as people, we are wired to hit a panic switch (which often screws up our whole lives) whenever we start to feel irrelevant, but we ignore the warning signs for so long. Like, while I would love for my husband to always remember to place me on a pedestal and to think that spending time with me is the absolute best and greatest thing on the planet, this isn’t realistic and it’s kind of unfair of me to expect for him to be the source of my fulfillment. Just as I know personally that those Hallmark penned cards which say the best Mother’s Day things feel lovely to read, the adoration spewed my way won’t always look like that. Sometimes it will resembled adoration or love and the majority of the time it may be joy sucking. No one ever promised easy and it’s not on my kids to be my reason to wake up and keep living. Choosing to actively love them is a great way to live, but they don’t deserve the responsibility of my fulfillment. They can never win with that. My life, my goal achievements, my successes, my __________________, those are on me. Yours are on you. We all own our own. So often we place blame, blame on our spouses, kids, parents, gardener… (Maybe not the gardener.)

I’m questioning if the greatest tragedy in my life might be that of this fog of distraction I slip into. The one where meal plans and household chores consume me. Within the safety of those confines I have a purpose and I am needed. For the twelve seconds that my home is clean and looking magazine spread worthy, I feel satisfaction. Within that frame of mind though, there is no love. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying my husband or family don’t love me. I’m saying they can never love me enough to make up for the fact that as long as I hide there, without taking personal risks, making personal strides and attempting personal growth (and failing, because we learn when we fail,) I will likely grow a little sadder. Maybe sad is the wrong word. Maybe more accurately, I will become less and less me.

here’s the scoop, and why it’s taking so incredibly LONG…

Published on August 22, 2014August 22, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

Every person has a unique story. For a long time now, due to our passion for helping marriages as well as families who have struggled through infertility, Chw and I have been asked/encouraged to do a Podcast. When the topic came up pretty seriously, this past spring, the two of us were heavily entrenched in drama with our youngest (who is 15) and laughed off the guidance with “yeah, we are the LAST people anyone wants to hear about this stuff from.” Our supporters came back a few days later with, “so, we talked to so-and-so, and this-other-person and some-people-over-here and it was unanimous that your candidness and heart coupled with how raw you are about your journey is exactly why you are who people WANT to hear from.”

We thought about it, some. We prayed about it. Meanwhile, oddly, another friend began a podcast (completely unrelated) and the more we listened the less overwhelming of an idea it seemed to be.Still, the teenage rage filled wars waged on at home and so we decided we’d set a launch date of July 15. This gave us a few weeks to get our heads on straight and our daughter would be visiting friends. It seemed great.

But then, Chw got sick the week Gen left. And then just as he began to get well, I lost my voice and this turned into pneumonia. Before I could speak without sounding like a crazy 76-year-old smoker, it was a week into August. We set a new launch date and wouldn’t you know it, Chw’s company sent him out-of-town on business, two weeks in a row. All hell sort of re-erupted with Gen forcing us to put everything on hold and then this wild and crazy scheme to start taking steps towards A.) moving and B.) bringing my mother (from New Mexico) to live with us, just sort of snow balled…

It’s been nuts, you guys. Seriously not a second’s peace since mid June. Before that, I’d guess last fall, maybe?

We are so excited though because it’s going to be funny, and real, relevant, honest and hopefully something useful to someone somewhere… In the meantime… I need your help!

1.)Do you have any questions you’d like to ask about marriage, reconciling from divorce, our story, infertility, adoption, Reactive Attachment Disorder, etc? We’ve already received some great ones on our Facebook Page. If you have questions please message us there, or email me at rainydayinmay(at)gmail(dot)com, subject Podcast.

2.) Like our FB page, if you haven’t already, and spread the word!

3.) Do you know someone who might make a great guest on our show? (we can skype them in, no need to travel!)

Best laid plans, right? We’ll get there… Wish us luck! (and health, and peace!)

A tale of woe, for these two souls…

Published on July 30, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

Once upon a time, after an unnaturally stress filled year, a couple had the opportunity to spend 5 kid (iow-teen) free weeks at home. They made plans which included picnics, bike rides and adventures. There was a sparkle in their eyes at the thought of how fun this adventuring could be.

To kick off the festive five-week empty nest preview, she accompanied him on a business trip to Chicago. Before hand they planned out local, unique restaurants and things to do, complete with a weekend trip into the city and a fancy hotel booked for a steal where they would take in a jazz club, good food, Taste of Chicago and finally visit Millenium Park.

The first day they stumbled upon the most incredible movie theater ever, and for movie lovers such as themselves, this was a true find…

The second full day of the business trip, he (who never gets sick) did in fact do just that. They managed an amazing dinner (perhaps one of their best) but this was to be the last good moment, and for him it was only partly good…

With each passing day he grew more and more miserable. By the time the weekend came, she offered they just go home but he refused to let their non-refundable city hotel go to waste. While it was beautiful, it wasn’t worth the stress driving into Chicago to sit in a hotel and then leave the next morning…

No Taste, no Park, no club. Just one short walk, a local italian dinner and then their stunning view until room service breakfast… And a foggy, rainy Sears tower view from our room… Loved this view.

With the first week behind them, he started to feel better and they realized that they still had four weeks of adventures (though, a significantly smaller budget.) Then, at a routine allergy medication appointment, she mentioned to her doctor that she’d had an increase in headaches. A few tests conclude a raging sinus infection. A prescription of a strong antibiotic is handed out and all should be fine, but it isn’t…

Within two days, she is experiencing a misery she has never experienced before. She’s always gotten fairly sick on this particular antibiotic, but this sensation is new and fiery. She returns to learn she has a raging infection (non-sinus) and is prescribed a little pink pill that should take care of it. (The doctor says sometimes the antibiotic can cause these awful girl-infections… she is mortified.)

The pink pill (which fights the infection, which was caused by the antibiotic which makes her very sick to her stomach, which is fighting the sinus infection she didn’t even know she had) causes debilitating headaches. Three days after beginning the pink pill (and 8 days after beginning the antibiotic) she wakes up with no voice. (this is the middle of week 3 of their 5, of which they have had one good evening) As thursday progresses into Friday, then into Saturday and eventually Sunday, she grows significantly worse. Monday morning she has a meeting she’s been waiting months for, which she refuses to miss, so she attends. Apologies for her voice and now awful sounding cough are plenty. Nearly everyone she encounters tells her she should see a doctor. Thankfully, she has an appointment at 3. (two weeks after the allergy appointment that ruined everything.)

Pneumonia. It is now Pneumonia. And the other infection hasn’t gone away, and apparently they’ve determined she might be, allergic to this antibiotic and it stripped me of all of my good bacteria causing me her to develop, oh, everything…

(One and a half weeks left, and it has been nothing like they, (ok, let’s face it… WE had hoped/planned/thought… BUT it hasn’t been awful either. Sick or not, I adore my husband and love anytime I get to spend with him. I don’t like the guilt for how long I’ve been miserable.)

Perhaps a bacon wrapped pillow would be more appropriate…

Published on July 21, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay6 Comments

Good morning, sunshine…

It is minutes til 2 a.m. and I’m so body tired and mind revved up that many states may classify me as a train wreck. (if this is true, please don’t tell me, I don’t want to know.) It’s a sad think to know of tragedy touching the lives of people you care about. There are things in this world I just do not understand… And rather than dwell on them, or try to figure them out (thank God it’s smart enough to know it can’t) my brain is just consumed with thinking about every other thing on the planet. Seriously, everything. All at once.

At any rate, it’s Monday, and that means it’s time for my Hi-Five!

Song– You had to see it coming… I’m not that unpredictable. :)

Share– If you like classic literature, this looks really fun! I’m super excited!

Something I’m loving– Last week, in Chicago, we had bacon wrapped dates at a lovely little restaurant in Algonquin. They were incredible, so this week it’s my quest to find a recipe for them that we love equally.

Something I’m into– oh my gosh. We are very casually house hunting. I say casually because who knows what will happen and we are pretty open to whatever. We’re enjoying the process though (maybe a little too much.) We’re really getting a kick out of house listing photos. What are some of these people thinking? We’ve seen sinks of dirty dishes, mounds of laundry, close-ups of candles (and nothing else.) it’s flat-out nutty! (but so fun!)

Something new (to me)– This one is really tough for me, both to admit and to adapt to. I’m a paper girl. I still use a paper planner and REFUSE to store agenda dates in my iPhone. So, when the reality came up that I would have to loosely organize a bridal shower for my older daughter Amanda (which my youngest daughter Gen is technically throwing, In Idaho, without me) from 2000 miles away and with VERY SHORT notice, I had no choice but to do it electronically. I decided to use Paperless Post and honestly, it’s made things easy to keep track of and the invitations were elegant and cute. Would I make this my preferred method? No. But, it’s not horrible, either.

Are you into anything you’d like to share?

Are you looking forward to anything this week? I feel like I am, but it’s now 2:07 and my fuzzy brain can’t recall anything other than the fact that tomorrow is full of meetings and appointments. I have one bright and early, (so basically, in a few hours) up until evening… I should try to force my brain to bed perhaps…