marriage – Page 27

Home sweet home…

Published on January 28, 2015 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

Nearly three months ago I was spending my days wrapping belongings in bubble wrap and newspaper, preparing to move into a home of our own. This home wasn’t one that I loved, and the room I feel should be most beloved (the kitchen) was actually the room I flat-out couldn’t stand. The negatives aside, the market wasn’t great, it had a lovely outdoor space, a nice fireplace and beautiful appliances… I was plotting, and planning, ready to put my touch on the home where I could, learn to live with the rest, and settle in.

Six days before Thanksgiving (three days before we were supposed to close) when that fell through, I was a mix of disappointment, hopelessness, sadness and yes- relief. We needed a house, but I wasn’t sad that it wouldn’t be that. Most of the other feelings stemmed more around the money lost, time lost, and tremendous frustration/stress.

I un-bubble/paper wrapped some things and we set out looking again, discouraged. We found a house we absolutely loved. We loved it in that this house meets so many of our needs and wish list that this will never actually work out way, and sure enough, after almost 5 weeks of sitting on the fence and not giving our offer a definitive response the Homeowners chose to lease the house for a year. We had a back up house that had been the we will never actually live here, there are things about it that could work but oh my gosh this house needs sooooooooooo much work house.

Anyway, we finalize on the second house Friday. Funny isn’t it? I kinda want to laugh, I kinda want to cry. Mostly I want to fast forward through all of the renovations, money shortages, tensions, fights, squabbles, etc that will happen until it’s all done. It didn’t do great in the inspection. (surprise, surprise) and I keep thinking this would be a bad time to rent Money Pit for family movie night. (Funny side note about house number 2- Genny’s response was “I hate that house. I am embarrassed by that house. I don’t feel safe there, I would NEVER want a friend to come over.” So that’ll be fun to deal with… ha ha.)

I love interior design. We surface renovated a house in New York back in 2003 and loved it. (Not as much work as this.) I spent some time consulting for a friend who had an interior design business, some years ago, and enjoyed it. It’s a passion. That angle of it invigorates me… As we go along, I’ll update you guys here. EVERY ROOM needs stuff done, so it’ll take time. Cheer me on, you guys. I’ll need it…

(and no, this window is not from the house, though I would have loved a room like this! PERFECT office, but alas…)

What I learned in 2014…

Published on December 30, 2014December 30, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

As we pull up to the end of what has become one of the worst, (if not THE WORST) years in my 38 years of life, I thought I’d take a moment to share the lessons I’ve learned over these twelve months. I’ll be linking up over at Emily P. Freeman’s blog Chatting at the Sky.

– Being at your daughter’s wedding is a roller coaster of emotions that I don’t think any mother can really be prepared for. {at least this one wasn’t}

– I’m pretty ok with being a grandma at 38 to my daughter’s awesome new sons.

– Just because a large majority of people believe something is the easy way out does not make it so.

– Wearing a swimming suit, in a pool, that is now several sizes too big for you is inadvisable. (VERY, VERY inadvisable.)

– also inadvisable, when you have finicky hair like mine, is changing shampoos when you have one you really love. Big, BIG mistake…

– That my people are my everything, and when something scary, tragic, devastating or sad happens to one of them it may as well happen to me.

– A champagne massage is possibly how I want to celebrate every single milestone ever. Heaven.

– I suddenly hate cheese. And anything that has recently associated with cheese. And yogurt…

– That I have a STRONG dislike of granite countertops.

– That I will probably never be the daughter my mother wants me to be, that she will hate everything I enjoy and there is nothing I can do to control that.

– Likewise, I will likely never the person my kids want me to be. I’m trying to be ok with this too…

– no amount of passion, love or effort guarantees results/success.

– chasing people is only fun and affective when you’re under the age of 9, and on a playground.

– Being a writer is hard. Way harder than I perceived in 2013 and DEFINITELY more so than 2012.

– Podcasting is awesome.

– Churches in the area we live in now are seriously different from the other 8 states I’ve lived, and not different in a good way. It’s a major disappointment that our family is trying to reconcile with.

– I’ve grown to dislike moving, but worse is this 5 month purgatory of moving to who-knows-where…

– Friends can say some mean, crappy and insensitive things. Some friends say they’ll be there and never show up at all, (see: Chasing people above) but people are human and flawed. That’s ok. Step back, reevaluate. Some relationships are worth sticking it out, some are worth cutting them go…

– game nights are the best. Like mini-vacations, leaving your worries behind for a bit.

– I like less tv than ever. Sitting there too long drives me crazy.

– Newark New Jersey is like a completely different world than NYC, despite their close proximity.

– eloquently penned (& pinned) quotes and sayings on Pinterest are not always based in truth or healthy, even when if they may stir your heart to read.

– Some people live really nasty, and are completely unaware. We’ve walked through so many homes with our realtor that were absolute disgusting…

– lastly, I don’t need a fancy house or fancy stuff. I just want a home that is warm, peaceful and has a yard for my dogs, room enough for the bed I share with my husband and a room big enough for our dining room table to hold all our family…

home sweet home…

Published on December 29, 2014December 29, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay6 Comments

We imagined a rural Wisconsin Christmas scene at our older daughter Amanda’s home as a holiday landscaped with snow and all of those country, winterish things which make Christmas feel like Christmas. Ironically, while our Idaho home is once again plagued with horrible roads and more inclement weather, the midwest remained sunny (minus enough morning rain to create mud), blue skied and very un-Christmassy.

Underneath the surface though, we drivers weren’t complaining much.

I’ve never been much of a waiter. It isn’t that I’m incapable of being patient, it’s more that I am wired to be proactive. Maybe it’s learned to emotionally rely on myself earlier than I should have, I don’t know. When something needs to happen, my instinct (and trust me when I say, it’s a fighting instinct) is to do whatever it takes to make it happen.

In July we took the leap to buy a house and move my mom here, from New Mexico, to live with us. She isn’t in the best health and as time passes, gets less and less capable of living alone. We have good credit, good income and good employment. Though we were VERY hesitant to buy a home (EVER) after we lost one in ’07 when the economy tanked in Michigan, we moved forward with this plan because it’s necessary and frankly it’s the right thing to do.

When Chw and I first married, back in 1994, we were unbelievably broke and incredibly naive. We had grown up in very opposite worlds and neither of us had been taught much about the real world or how to be a successful adult in it. We knew nothing about paying bills, managing money, budgeting, maintaining a household, etc. That being said, we have never gone without steady income, never been on government assistance (except for a short period on WIC), never been evicted, never had a utility turned off… These are things we are really proud of. This does not make us better than anyone else. Had one tiny fragment of a detail been different and any one of those things could’ve been another story. It wasn’t easy, and for a long time every single one of those things was a “barely” sort of thing…

When we got married, one thing we VOWED together, above anything else was that we would always open our home if someone needed it. We were unanimous in this, even though it was vowed out of a youthful naivety and passion without much common sense we realize now. That being said, we’ve held true to that. Over the past 20 years we have shared our home with 21 others. We never went looking for them, and we’ve never said “no”. So, of course, when the conversation regarding my mother came up, the decision was made. We were living in a 3 story brownstone and my disabled mother could never even visit us here (if her health were better) so we knew we’d have to move. We never imagined it would become the going-on-six-month nightmare it has been.

A couple of weeks ago we found our 3rd house opportunity. It was perfect (the perfect houses that suit my mom’s needs are very rare) but the owners aren’t willing to sell with our contingencies. That evening, after we were feeling hopeless with that disappointment, my mother fell at her home and lay on her porch for two hours in the cold. The market here hasn’t fully recovered yet and it’s grim. Had we known before we begun this journey that we’ve already lost so much money in, we could have begun it differently. Now it feels very much like the sand in our hour-glass is running out and ever corner we turn is a dead-end. Our realtor is a saint, but between you and me, we are tired and these months and months of stress have taken ugly tolls in our lives.

And then, we spent Christmas in Wisconsin. Both of our daughters together, there with Amanda’s family, and it was lovely. For blips of time we didn’t have to think about any of it. There was swimming, roller skating, gifts, ice cream, little boy laughter and hugs. It was blissful…

Walking in the door of our temporary home yesterday felt like a ten-ton weight crushed us. Tears filled me and I realized I just can’t go through this much longer. I’ve tried to stay pretty quiet here, because this nightmare has consumed everything and I didn’t want to rant about it. If you are a finger crosser, prayer, wisher, dreamer, hoper or positive energy sharer- I’ll take what you are willing to share…

Trepidation and unwanted houseguests…

Published on December 22, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

The flu hit my family like a truck this week, and I say my family because by some absolute miracle, I’ve been spared. I know, I know, there is still time. Plus, thanks to the 15-year-old who coughs without covering her mouth and doesn’t really subscribe to the belief of washing her hands, the odds may not be in my favor. Even so, I’ve made it through the last 4 days completely unscathed while they have been (for the most part) miserable.

Even with this unwanted houseguest, it managed to be a pretty alright weekend. Laundry was done, (a weekend activity here, tragically, because my husband travels for work often enough that the routine is a necessity) work was accomplished, research was completed, gifts were wrapped, errands were run, stew was made and I miraculously made it to the movies TWICE. On a healthy weekend that stuff doesn’t happen!

Chw said he felt so much better Saturday evening and wanted to go on a date. I did not believe him, but skeptically went along. Our date consisted of a dinner where he was called away on business (which was pretty important so I don’t fault him), a sweater exchange for me at the mall (don’t we scream romance at this point?) and going to see the movie Wild. If you’ve been reading here for any length of time you will know how absolutely devout I am about Oscar buzz films so I was going to see this one with or without him, but he wanted to see it (a rarity) so it worked out. It was gritty, raw and really opened up good dialogue which played into the ongoing conversation all week, since our New York road trip. All in all, it was a nice evening except for the fact that I could tell as each half hour passed, my husband was fading more and more. I asked him if he wanted to “call it a night”, and finally after the movie, he did. He came home, dropped and slept until noon on Sunday, waking only to talk periodically about the severe ache in his chest.

He claims he feels much better today. I’ll never believe him again… Ha!

There are so many changes ahead for us in 2015, I can’t help but think of them and what lay ahead for me personally. I enter the new year in just a few days time with trepidation. Yes, I know it’s just another day really. Like a new month, or a new week… But it really is something more too. I think of 2014 and how generally hard it has been. Not just for me, but for virtually everyone I know. I can’t think of a single person I know and point out “they’ve had the most amazing year!” Except Taylor Swift, she seems to be having a pretty great year, but then again I don’t really know her. And that’s not to say good things haven’t happened, because they absolutely have. The year has been sprinkled with good things, and I’m so grateful. I guess I’m striving to be optimistic that 2015 might give us a bit of a break. Maybe I’m naive.

But maybe it’s never naive to hope…

At any rate, I’m wishing you and yours a beautiful and happy Christmas, full of more quality and stress free togetherness and less stuff.

Pam won my The Good Lie giveaway! Thanks, Pam, enjoy!

And, if you haven’t subscribed yet, episode 4 of our podcast is up!

hours & minutes…

Published on December 18, 2014 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

On Tuesday I spent two beautiful hours in the place I feel the most of everything. I walked city blocks, took in the tree at Rockafeller Center, rode the subway downtown to grab a bite to eat and found I was more me than I have been in a really long time.

For those two hours there were no mortgage nightmares unfolding at a snail’s pace, while questions of where we would live and other adult style crises hung overhead. For those hours there was only the city, and thousands of others sharing in those same holiday sounds and the alive energy that is New York City. To be honest, before we navigated my car into the Lincoln tunnel I questioned if I even wanted to attempt a few city hours. It seemed so pitiful and teasing, but the way in which they filled me left me realized these moments matter and to seize them…

Yes, everyone else realized this long, long ago.

On the other side of that tunnel, (the very reason we were in Jersey to begin with) there was an ICU room at Rutgers, where we’d left our hearts. This perhaps made our New York jaunt a little lighter as well. Visiting hours gave us a free afternoon and sitting in a hotel room sounded like too much time to think, too much time to worry, too much… So, we adventured. If you’ve ever been to Newark then you know, adventuring there was NOT a wise idea, so the City was the obvious choice. (But, of course…)

I drove through Pennsylvania mountains yesterday, heading home to Michigan. As the miles spread between us and that hospital room, between me and that city, I was overcome with all of the things that matter and all of the things that do not. I italicize “home” because it isn’t for me. Even, aside from the fact that we technically, right now, do not have a real home. For Christmas I need to find a way to make peace with this idea of the two coexisting. For my husband, I do. He belongs here, and that means I must too. While I’ve tried in countless ways to make it home, I have to keep trying and finding new ways. This matters. My marriage, my family, my beautiful daughters, my son- whereever he is- my relationships, my writing… These things matter.

Why, at Christmas, do we get so caught up focussing on those things which often do not?

For Christmas I gave myself the gift of seeing that RC Christmas tree, something I have always wanted to do. Standing there, with every other smiling, selfie taking person, I realized there wasn’t a gift in the world I could unwrap that would mean more to me than that did. Even if it took $62 in parking fees and a $14 bridge toll to do it. Life is about the journey, the moments… We fill up, on the inside, with the moments. A cup of tea and a hearty laugh with a good friend can do more for the soul than a new sweater ever could, so why is the second one so more easily attainable it seems? This is a sad, sad part of today’s reality.

Yesterday, driving through those mountains, I soaked them in. No, they were not my Pacific Northwest mountains of Home, but they were mountains none the less. They were refreshing to my spirit and I allowed myself to fill up on them like I filled on the city. 2014 has been filled to the brim with some of the ugliest and hardest minutes and hours I have ever known, the worst being within the last few weeks. It took seeing someone we love become a living-breathing miracle to realize that I have to choose to not let my 2015 continue in such a fashion. Even if the trend sets similarly, I will take notice, adventure and savor.