Category: marriage

When we listen… (and when we don’t.)

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Yesterday I was sharing, with a friend, about this season in our lives when we made a wrong decision for our family. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter whose decision it was because I am a big believer in what’s yours is mine, and whats mine is yours, so yeah, we made a bad decision. With the magical vision of hindsight we will forever have the ability to reflect back and see the gigantic things trying to discourage us from this path.We are talking huge things that went beyond the nauseating gut feelings, things like apocalyptic storms, miles long car pile ups and a thousand other things which screamed into the universe TURN AROUND, GO BACK! We didn’t and in a lot of ways we still daily have the consequences of that decision.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all known better, and done it anyway. Most of us could probably attest to doing this more times than we can count. We can never go back. We don’t get a “re do”. There is no rewind and erase in life. Obviously this is not an isolated problem because, otherwise there would not be a plethora of film and books playing out these fresh-start-second-time-around scenarios.

This awesome podcast that I’ve launched with my lifelong friend is one of those things, but in the very polar opposite of ways. I have known (like KNOWN- no weather patterns, but definitely that gut feeling) that this was a direction I needed to go. There are so many aspects to this dream, from essays to books, visions of speaking engagements, etc. It is a BIG dream coupled with a vision my friend Katie and I have had, and this sweet little podcast was a step of faith, in the direction of those things. And then, totally beyond my control, so many little things fall in to place. It seems like every day, since the day of the launch, women and their stories are landing in my lap. (not literally, that would be awkward) Opportunities are opening up and this time the message being sung (not shouted) into the universe is KEEP GOING, THIS IS YOUR PATH.

I have no idea where this journey will lead, but I do know that I am loving every step of it now. (Episode two is available now.)

Authentically speaking matrimony…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

We scrambled eggs and toasted bread, this weekend. There was coffee in the press, aromatically tickling the best inside of us while the ice blew around outside tugging at the less best.

It is so hard to listen to another when we cannot seem to look over the hurdle of hurts and inadequacies we choose to fence ourselves in with. We have all done this, to degrees, and the letting go is overwhelmingly vulnerable but so necessary.

If I were to ever write a book on marriage, this is absolutely the angle I would take. I would title it something akin to Get Over Yourself, and it would probably be poignantly badass and awesome. Lives and marriages would be changed and the world would bloom brighter because the divorce rate would plummet…

All from my book.

Obviously, this isn’t true. None of that would happen, and I would honestly never write about marriage. The truth is that this isn’t because I wouldn’t be qualified as much as because the world around me feels that I am not. I am asking myself quite a bit lately, how much does the world around me determine my path?

My husband and I married very young, with a very unhealthy support system, very loosely around whenever it fit their needs. We were life-broken and hurt kids, walking down the aisle to some promise of a future constructed by a mix of the 90’s church, movies and top 40 love songs. These ideas sold as ideals were all we knew to look toward, and so it was devastating when they let us down.  None of these things prepared us for emergency medical procedures in less than ideal locations, or badly mannered doctors brazenly promising you a healthy baby, while hours later you lay holding the sixteen week lifeless one in your hands while your husband wails and looks toward suicide to balm the horror throbbing from inside of him. Bloody bathroom baby funerals became the most consistent part about our early day marriage and when we looked up or called out, we were almost always left with only each other to look at.

Adultery honestly, with hind sight, kind of makes sense. Nothing within out lives made sense and everything hurt overwhelmingly, so escaping it for something which felt a little nice and was so separate from the worst life was almost a no-brainer. Of course, anyone who has ever cheated or been cheated on knows that this doesn’t take the bad away or really make it any better. It simply piles on top.

Divorce follows broken, blistered years of crash-course-adulthood almost always. In our case, had any one element been different- the support system, the miscarriages, the drowning medical debt- everything else may have changed. Had one tiny sign of life been present, the funeral would not have had to happen.

But it did…

And then a rebirth came. It was painful and gut wrenchingly beautiful and organically everything that should come from a shattered marriage moving forward. Living it was unexplainably complex.  Having grown up in the between helped immeasurably, and for that we were grateful. There was no condoning the giving up and not fighting, but we were attempting to redeem that short coming, and beauty abounded. A family miraculously came to be out of seeds of awful beginnings, and that next bit was real life littered hardships, sometimes discouraging but some how always intoxicatingly beautiful.

Gratitude. Always, there was gratitude.

But life is cyclic and shifts happen. The things which should have stayed most important slowly weren’t any longer and the slow-motion spiral stole our marriage’s breath away. Stole my breath away and silenced my heart. I have never felt so terrified, so incapable, so helpless, so worthless. So numb.

The train wreck following the slow motion fall was instantaneous and blinding. The deafening blows left my senses unable to grasp and be for weeks and weeks. When they did, I reached out to the supportive life I’d grown to nurture and found that the majority of them had been more shallowly inclined to love me than they had actually let on- once my life was shattered and bare. That is how it goes, really. Nearly every time. People love to show up when things are bright, and people love to take credit for the place they stand beside you, but when you fall most of them scatter…

Today I am with my husband. We made eggs and toast. We read a little, together, worked a little, together, and spent a cozy day confined inside while the world of never-ending winter froze just beyond our windows. The journey is long and hard and any one who has been married for any amount of extended time will know this. Not everyone tells the truth and so if someone tells you it’s great, just know they are lying to themselves more than to you.

Marriage is hard and it can be dark. It hurts more than any other relationship. When both people do their parts though, and put the other first, it is the most secure, warmest, most full filling and embracingly raw thing our human hearts can comprehend. Often what makes it so hard is that we cannot make the other person do their part or even want to, when they aren’t, which feels devestating. Sometimes they just don’t want to act on love, with us. And that sucks. When we each want to make the effort, it is so beyond anything I can find words for. Today has been a medium of that, while Friday was a not-at-all. Last weekend was a 10 out of 10.

And that is marriage. It is real, and you have to stay on top of it and protect it and work at it and honestly, there can not be time off. It is intensely 24/7, no day is a guarantee and no moment is scripted.

And when you are honest, in the train wreck times, there are people who will hold this in their memory until their very last breath. While they believe they don’t want you to fail, they also can’t get past that time when you could have. The worst part is that maybe they could have extended love and helped, but probably they didn’t, they just “care” so much to hold those moments against you.

My marriage is mine and my husband’s responsibility, but it is ignorant to pretend like no one else can hurt/harm/help it, because that just is not true.

For five months in late 2015/2016, my husband and I were separated and living in different states.  For two months, leading up to the sudden separation, things were really disconnected between us. Over that time there were counselors and others sought because we each said we wanted to have a strong marriage, and every time we were turned away. Within those five months, other people were DEFINITELY a majorly contributing problem. Those five months were two years ago. The sad expressions and gossipy questions looking for dirt never cease. This is why any book, on the topic, would never amount to anything. The social system around me would squash it from blooming. Can you believe she honestly thinks she has anything to say about marriage? Remember that time…

Allow a micro rant here- Stepping back I see this same exact thing happening in thousands of lives around me, in so many ways. Why are we rooting for the failure of others while masking it as concern? When you “well-meaningly” ignore two years of progress and healing to cut me right back to that time- it isn’t loving and it isn’t support. If all you can think to ask is how my marriage is, since the separation, then perhaps you should stop and think about the 24 years of survival and work we’ve put into it instead of the five months we were flat on our faces- and then ask yourself how you could have actually shown kindness both then and now…  And if you are one of those people and are married- shame on you for taking that self righteous path of crushing down.

Rant over…

When I want to look to someone for marriage inspiration and guidance, I look to the person who has been honest about their rollercoaster journey. THIS shows commitment, not the pretty filter image projected out there. When I want fitness/weightloss inspiration, I look to someone who has actually done it, not the naturally permanent size 4 girl with her own youtube channel. the time for authenticity is NOW…

I made eggs and toast, along side my husband. We had a few little irritations. This isn’t because of any other reason than we’re human, we have outside things in each of our lives that interfere with our thoughts and stresses. We were trapped in our house while an ice storm wailed outside. We are people. I love my husband more than any adjective could explain and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him, within my power. My marriage isn’t great, it isn’t fine, it isn’t anything other than REAL. Just like yours…

 

It’s Friday, I’m in love…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

It’s just not possible…

I look outside my large Michigan window and curse life as I know it. The warmth that was Tennessee this time last week, while here, today, it is snow and bitter cold.  Again. So over it…

I am also battling a cold, and intensely sore from wild and crazy things like caving beneath the Smokey Mountains and a new workout routine, back here in the land of frigid. I am achy and congested, frozen-finger typing while I am bundled up in an oversized sweatshirt, scarf and yoga pants. Emma, my seven year old Aussie, is corralled in the bathroom due to some sort of doggy sickness that I honestly feel like I cannot muster the energy for and I am nursing my second Coke zero of the day (yes, I do realize it is only ten in the morning) because my throat is swollen and on fire and it just feels better to drink that over razor sharp water… My box of tissues sits to my left, stack of books to my right. Atop the stack, naturally, is my Let Go journal…

I feel miserable and terrible, and really pretty awful too.

Let it go, Misty…

And maybe it is possible. Possible to feel all of the sad, bad, sickly things and still be a ray of shining something inside. Let’s try that, anyway.

Sharing the love, with you-

  • The husband and I went to Tennessee to celebrate twenty-four years since we first said I Do. The trip was wonderful! It was so great to take adventures together, just focus on BE-ing, and make new memories while investing in Us. The only really unplanned inconvenience was the traffic down, where we crawled at a snail’s pace along with EVERY SINGLE PERSON heading to Florida for spring break. Never would’ve thought, but now we know for next time… Among the AMAZING things we did in Tennessee, my favorite things to list (without making this an entire Knoxville area edition of the standard Friday post) would all involve Market Square, in Knoxville. Not only is trendy and yet somehow timeless, but it has an adorable little dog park right in the middle, and we got to meet lots of great little dogs! (It is safe to say that this part is not going to make Chw’s BEST list.) My favorite shop in the Square was the Knoxville Chocolate Company, not for what seems like the obvious reasons, however. The chocolate parts were more  earning of my husband’s adoration. For me, it was the artwork and gifts. They were featuring works from local artist Milk Moon House, and I fell head over heals for several of the pieces displayed!  It was a sad reality that they were pretty far out of my budget, and so with deep sadness I walked away… (also, shout out to the Blue Coast Bar & Grill for miraculously making the best french toast I have ever put in my mouth!)
  • When we first decided on Knoxville being our destination, a friend recommended a visit to McKay’s books. (If you’ve never had the overwhelmingly sensory experience of visiting this entertainment haven, you might want to consider a trip to Knoxville.) Nothing I can say would ever do it justice, and the place itself isn’t my second item here anyway. It is something I discovered while digging through their Vinyl. This album/movie is so fundamental to my childhood. You would have thought I’d dug and found a trove filled with gold and diamonds, for all of the enthusiasm I still have over this record.

The dark side’s callin’ now, nothin’ is real
She’ll never know just how I feel
From out of the shadows she walks like a dream
Make me feel crazy, make me feel so mean…

Moving on…

  • Because we love them and it’s what we do- the husband and I caught a movie at the local cineplex our last night in town. Him, (quite eagerly), and me (significantly less so) nestled in with popcorn to see Ready Player One. We had spent a pretty big chunk of the day adventuring through underground caves and I was feeling pretty tired. On occasion my inner grandma has been known to come out and nap through movies, and I was pretty certain this would be one of those naps. It was not. By principal and taste I pride myself on not being much of a Sci-Fi lover, but this movie… So crazy good.
  • I love to read. I don’t always have the time, but I am trying to be more intentional about picking up books. One thing I cannot do is read in the car. I just can’t. And my husband loves to listen to audiobooks, but the one thing he cannot do is read physical books. Something about holding a book just inspires his inner grandpa to pop right out and drift to snoozeland. Neither one of us can justify the regular cost of purchasing Audio books because… well, they are ridiculous. (and yes, he listens through the library, but the wait list is often unbearable.) Enter Otto. Maybe you’ve seen it pop up in various social media ads, promising to be the Netflix of audio books. That’s how I first heard of it, and skeptically, I looked into it. You guys, it IS the Netflix of audiobooks! We listened to a couple of great books, on our trip. Our favorite was The Woman in Cabin 10. (sidenote: I am surprised the consumer reader reviews aren’t stronger because this book HAD IT ALL…) Feeling super crummy this week (as I mentioned), and not playing entirely by-the-book with my Dirty Keto life, I have been self caring by some more reading. (We all need some self nurturing…) Am absolutely loving listening to This Is Me and recommend it to every woman/girl/person.)
  • I don’t usually watch New, midseason TV shows. (They aren’t usually very good and they also stand a greater chance of getting cancelled, so why commit?) I am a major fan of Zach Braff though, and as an Office lover, also adore Jenna Fischer. Their new shows Alex Inc. and Splitting Up Together are actually really good. I don’t know that they will get renewed because these are pretty smart and not the normal trendy types that do well… Fingers crossed! (Plus Emily Kapnek is bringing us Splitting Up Together and she was the brilliance behind Selfie– a show I deeply loved, that was gruesomely cancelled even though the internet went to war to save it! So you could say I’m a little jaded.)

What have you been loving lately? PLEASE share- I need all the joy I can get right now!

This is twenty-four…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Dearest love of mine,

Twenty four years ago, today, we were children playing dress up, at the very front of the most beautiful church we knew, while the world swarmed in chaos just beyond us.

I was a broken girl looking for someone to fix all of the damage which other broken people had done. Sadly, looking to a boy, barely older and no less damaged was unfair. It was not the right thing to do, but where my heart was concerned, it was genuine love.

I love you then, so incredibly.

I love you today, so much more, my husband.

So many full moons later, the scent of you still stirs my inner being and in every sad or absent moment, that connection which my spirit longs for, can only be found in you.

Sometimes it feels as if these struggles we’ve walked- the barren womb, the absent attendance around us, the hardships (the life ships, the adult ships, the titanic-sized-hurt ships) have often kept us just a reach beyond drowning…

But, my love, my lover, the keeper of the very best of me- When I think of any of the quick-sand-bits, the darkest shadows and the moments which were rusted-out-tear-stained and unfair, there is no one else whose hand I can fathom holding. There are no other eyes I want to search for anything outside of the bad, and no one else’s delectable smile I want to see the happiest rays in. There is no one else whose warmth, whose voice, whose deep-belly laughter speaks the language my heart sings to…

I am proud to be your telekinetic Pictionary partner, for now and always.

Always…

I’ll be there, till the stars don’t shine
‘Til the heavens burst and the words don’t rhyme
I know when I die you’ll be on my mind
And I’ll love you, always

My love, my husband, my Christopher, there is not another soul I want to wake up beside and if we were to manage one hundred and twelve more years together, (twelve- always twelve) it still wouldn’t be enough of you…

Thank you for sharing this journey. Thank you for growing with me, for accepting the gigantic mess that is me, and for being the very best of the best. Twenty four years and hindsight reflects the honesty that there has always been more beauty than sad. You are my heart, and I love you. The ugliest bits have been but nominal blips, fading father away, the moment they die. The good, the things which I am most grateful for-

the love-

that is the everywhere which remains.

M

It’s Friday, I’m in love…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

I had so naively hoped that I could rave about how gloriously beautiful the weather was, now that it’s Spring and all. In reality though, so far Spring is pretty much just like Winter, and let’s face it- many are open for disappointment…

I do enjoy saying that it is Spring though.

It is Spring. Spring!!!

So far, though Spring is on my naughty list, and therefore NOT making this cut, this week, I am cautiously optimistic at it’s potential in weeks to come…

1.) Around November, this woman that some of you may have heard of, (her name is Oprah, just in case you’re one of the few) released a list of her Favorite Things. I have, in all honesty, never found many things in her list to be things I loved (especially where the book club aspect of things fell) but still, curiosity spurred me to check it out. I cannot remember anything on that list, save one thing in particular. While I may have been the last person around to learn what an air fryer was- I knew instantly that I needed this miracle machine. Funny thing about new, well-reviewed products though, (especially when they make Oprah’s list) they are out of stock. For a long, long time. So, we saved our pennies, and waited. And waited. And waited. And then, one week ago today, the heavens parted and I was alerted that Macy’s was having a ONE day sale, and they had ONE in stock. And then, as strange as it may seem, that 40% off little miracle, was tucked away in the back room and no one knew why. (I did! It was meant for me! Happy birthday, to me! Air fried chicken for everyone! (and bacon! And everything! Let’s fry it all!)

2.) While at the miracle sale, at Macy’s, (A store I NEVER shop at, and reminded me of my Dillard’s employee days as soon as I walked through the doors) a display for these little diffusers was sitting by the register. As a part of the one day sale, it was $20. TWENTY dollars! I picked up a few other goodies from the Ellia table, and brought home this amazing little gem. I love it so much! I sleep to sounds of the ocean, and it runs beautifully… Plus, let’s be honest- it’s gorgeous.

3.) Today is the day! Season two of Santa Clarita Diet is here! I am thrilled! We LOVE T.O. & D.B. so much and the combination of them in such a metaphorical way is absolutely genius!

4.) Ok… Southern Sweet tea has saved my life, this week. I don’t want to hear about the sweetener in here being not super Keto friendly. I literally do not care. I drink Coke Zero, which also isn’t keto friendly, and this tea is probably better for me than that… At any rate, I LOVE sweet tea, and this tea is carb and calorie free. So yeah… And it is so incredibly tasty!

5.) I literally stumbled across this song by Needtobreathe this week and I have to say it really hit me right where I was, like an arrow to the pit of me. Thought I’d share. :)

As always, I love hearing what has stirred your soul and made you smile, this week.

Happy Friday!