list – Page 14

Forty Eve…

Published on January 25, 2016January 24, 2016 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Last year my birthday had me turning 39…

I spent the day with my husband and youngest daughter, but I honestly do not recall what we did. I do remember my husband did one of his characteristically thoughtful little surprises. Those are the things I love to remember the most. It’s bittersweet…

The one thing I did FOR myself, on my birthday, was taking a time out to work on a list of forty things I wanted to do before my fortieth birthday.

Here is the list now…

My first 5K
get a job.
take classes or a course to make #2 easier.
go on a real vacation with my family.
get my passport.
get my concealed weapons license.
finish my memoir
Learn how to do four new things.
make a new friend.
get into essential oils.
have dinner with, and spend time with William. (My high school BFF)
see my son.
make it as natural as breathing to bless someone else’s day, anonymously, every day.
to go on a long weekend with my husband.
take up yoga regularly.
Go to Idaho to see friends.
See a new-to-me broadway show.
confront my fear and hold a snake.
Put my toes in the ocean.
Live intentionally, Savoring even the unsavory in some way.
write more letters and notes than emails and texts.
realize what is really important, and focus on those things/people.
Skydive
take Gen (my youngest) to the DIA.
Do something memorable and special, with my family, every month.
have a girlfriend getaway.
pick up my camera and become friends with it again.
get new wedding rings.
Ride horses again, it had been ages.
go up north in the fall.
create something beautiful.
Speak in a public speaking engagement.
dance with and date my husband intentionally.
make REAL plans with Kozzette, for Sundance.
be an intentional gift giver to those I love the most.
get a basket for my bike, to carry picnics and flowers in, all summer.
more non-tv nights than those with the tv on.
catalogue the things that make me laugh, for when I can’t.
Be a better version of who I was at 38.
plan an amazing celebration, for my next decade, with the people I love the most there.

When I pulled this gem of a list out, some 65 days before my birthday, I went through various stages of shock… Bold would be the things I actually have done/continue to do. I admit that I was a little devastated to read through these items. It was like having to face a bullet-list reality of your very personal failures.

If I were to make a list of things I wanted to bucketlist for my fortieth year, it would be eerily similar. I guess that proves that I did NOT become a better version of me. In fact, when I look at the severe depression I plummeted into about a week or two after I wrote this list, and how much darker and scarier it got, well… I’d say it’s fair to say I became someone much worse. The things my depression put my family through are things I may take a very long time to forgive myself for… I italicized Idaho because moving here, at the end of my marriage was not what I’d had in mind.

In a raw and very real way I figured I’d make a list of the forty things, both good and bad, that I did do from 39-40…

Saw a few concerts I’d wanted to see for a long, long time.
helped my husband remodel the kitchen. Before my eyes it transformed into something more beautiful than I’d ever imagined. It will always be my favorite room ever.
I got drunk. twice.
I worked really hard, with Gen, to give my husband a beautiful Father’s Day. He really deserved it and it was so fun to have a conspirator.
I played a fair amount of table tennis.
I rode a roller coaster. Still get migraines from them and they aren’t my favorite, like they used to be, but I still did it.
I saw a fortune-teller, at an amusement park.
I began (And quit… twice) an Esthetics program.
I moved away from my husband and daughter, to a million miles and hours away.
I made an a few friends, one of whom is amazing and I adore and miss her!
I finally came to terms with the fact that my mother is not capable of loving anyone, even her only child.
I took part in breaking my daughter’s heart and forever altering her life.
I was introduced to the beauty that is Korean television, by two friends of mine. I shared this with Gen and I miss us in this way, very much.
I had a car accident.
I plummeted into a deep, terrifying depression and had no idea for most of it.
I took Gen to get her nose pierced. (I got the part of my ear I can never remember, pierced.)
I got an ironic tattoo, while severely depressed, as a milestone tattoo. SMH
I saw a lot of movies. Of course.
I fell in love with Korean Food, Korean music and the loveliness that is Korean culture.
My Kate Spade collection grew.
I made a lot of stupid, unclear decisions while I was depressed. (If you ever find yourself in that position- just don’t…)
I spent a ton of time obsessing over M & S’s Wilder Mind album.
I finally dove into a vinyl collection. The start of one anyway…
I realized I love a good cover song…
Bowled a few times. It’s my absolute favorite thing and I got to bowl about 5 times, which is really amazing.
I skipped Thanksgiving, and probably will make that same decision from now on.
I had the worst Christmas I’ve had since childhood.
I had an even worse New Years, but that’s a holiday we can’t ignore.
I learned I will do almost anything alone, without fear or complaint, but there is a small list of things that it’s just not in my capacity to manage.
I bought Broadway tickets, but didn’t get to use them. That had NEVER happened.
I changed every single ounce of my life. I went from being a wife and mother every day to being a pen pal.
I did a mom swap for several months and it was the one thing, during my 8 months of depression that I really loved. It kept me going and motivated me not to lose myself in it.
I tried Couch to 5K, and quit. I decided running, though my husband loved it, was not for me.
I got my first apartment based just on my credit.
I then lived off of credit cards after I worked incredibly damn hard to build my credit, because my money was all gone on things like moving, apartment deposit, helping a friend, etc… Thus ruining my hard-earned credit. Definite negative.
I realized I worked really hard to build a life that I’ll never get to live again, and that life had been my world.
Didn’t see my son, but there were still beautiful developments and I’ll hopefully see him soon.
I did learn how to give an AWESOME facial. And how to wax…
Totally lost sight of myself and then life changed so quickly, in that. I have no idea how to be, who to be, or how to fix things.
I got to spend a lot of time with my daughters, prior to Thanksgiving… I’m reminded constantly that it will never be the same. I’m living with that.

The one where Mother’s Day happens…

Published on May 12, 2015 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

I was called yesterday for another job interview. Whatever made me start applying for any and every job, I’ll never know. I guess I just felt desperate. At any rate, this job isn’t one I’d actually want. LOTS of travel and that’s just not conducive with our life. I didn’t even mention it to Chw. He’s pretty adamant that he wants me to stay home and write. I’d love that too, if writing had a weekly or bi-weekly pay check which actually paid the bills. So, I’m at a loss…

Gen had surgery last week and her recovery has been less than ideal. Before surgery she envisioned a week of popsicles, tv binge watching and ease. While I was a bit more realistic about her projected recovery, I did imagine myself with a lot of productive free time on my hands for some quiet reno projects and writing. We both couldn’t have been much farther off. She told me this morning (recovery day five) that she wished she were dead, and while I know my daughter has a flair for the dramatic, I also know this has been incredibly hard. Between the high fevers, rashes, bouts of choking on drainage from her septoplasty, which in turn deeply hurts her tonsillectomy recovery and plummets her into fits of sobbing (helping neither situation at all), it’s been bad. She doesn’t want me out of the room she’s in, and within a foot or two from her is better. She’s whiny (understandably) and in so much pain. The doctor wanted her eating soft food by day four, but at this point she will still only manage incredibly small amounts of jello, squeeze pouch applesauces* or slushies and I don’t see this changing any time soon…

(*random question/curiosity about squeeze pouch applesauce. Whats the deal? She takes them in her lunches, which is fine. When the tonsilectomy slid onto the docket I bought jars of applesauce though, because it just made sense economically. Each time we tried it, she cried and couldn’t eat it because it hurt so bad. Finally yesterday I bought some squeeze pouch (because she eats them in her lunches, we were out) and she ate it fine. What’s the difference? It wasn’t psychological because she loves applesauce in general and didn’t ask for the SP over the jarred…)

Moving on…

I’ve managed a whole lot of nothing. In the last five days I’ve:

– argued with my husband.

– gotten frustrated. (more than once)

– eaten fast food (which I hate, unless it’s Chick Fil A, which we don’t have.)

– cried.

– felt miserable. (I actually have a pretty fierce cold, though I think it’s on the mend)

– wanted to throw my phone at something. A lot. (crappy service in our house.) Of course I didn’t, and why? Because I don’t have a job and to replace my phone would cost real money.

– laughed at my daughter, a lot. Her recovery has been full of comedy. At first this wasn’t intentional on her part (as anyone with a kid whose had anesthesia can attest) but since then, her sense of humor has been amazing. When she’s not whiny. (again, who can blame her?)

– found Coke Life. Hello… AMAZING.

– Worked on our half bath. This is our latest, and possibly most frustrating of reno projects. (was supposed to be our quickest/easiest. We’re fools to think…) Mostly Chw worked on it, and I cheered him on, brought him cool beverages and occasional food and did little things. It’s ALMOST done, and I’m thrilled. Hoping, by the weekend. We’re also putting in a garden though, and so that takes priority over the finishing touches on the bath.

– watched a LOT of Friends.

– seen half a dozen Hallmark movies.

– Realized it’s pretty hard to sit and watch tv when you have a ton of things to do. Sometimes though, (these times) sitting and watching tv is the right thing to do.

All in all, I’ve learned a lot about motherhood this week. From my life of homebound (mostly) boredom, television and lack of adult interaction, but also from my older daughter. Motherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever journeyed through, and as a mother watching my daughter (who is an amazing mother) on her own journey is proving to be difficult as well.

Maybe Mother’s Day should be less about Hallmark cards and little gifts and more about personal milestones where we as moms sit back and reflect on another year and what we’ve trudged through, and how we’ve overcome. This world is full of weak moms who hurt or lose their kids, and then it is sprinkled with amazing women who pick up those pieces and mend the broken hearted babies with love and effort. Here’s to us… We may not be perfect, or even great but at least we did something good. Even when it’s just watching reruns on tv and coercing our sixteen year old to try another sip of water…

that one time at my surprise pity party…

Published on April 1, 2015 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay3 Comments

There are a dozen-hundred things mulling about within my brain. It has been an awfully long month of march. Emotionally exhausting things which I, to tell you the truth, hadn’t expected to take their toll on me emotionally.

For one, while I knew that it would be challenging living in a partial renovation state, I underestimated how utterly exhausting it would be. When we work on a project, or bring some-little-something to the state of completion, I am elated. I feel a calm wash over me and a reaffirmation that we can do this. As my husband jet sets off to yet another business trip, and I’m here surrounded by boxes, tools and equipment though, this defeat rises like bile. It isn’t that I want it done right now, as much as I just want something done. Some space that is finished. Some area where I can drink it in and take solace that we’ll get there…

Then there is love… Though it’s not love, nor is she pretending it is, for which I am glad. My youngest has a crush. It’s months upon months old, but it has reached a dramatic climax over these past few weeks and emotionally I’m wiped out. Young hearts are being shaped and molded and her heart is special. She has certain struggles that others might not understand… Going through this has been so much more difficult than I’d expected.

I’m so far behind on a work deadline that I laugh and joke about my *insert air-quotes here*deadline because honestly I just want to curl into a ball and cry about it. I’m taking on another work project that I’m so unbelievably excited for, but I’m just a ball of ooey-gooey something over all of it… It is the right thing to do. Both are. They are my Best Yes decisions… But I’m not sure how to get from here, (here= complete unorganized, overwhelmed and unsupported chaos) to there.

And of course- I’m so lonely. I desperately miss, not so much Idaho home (though the restaurants and boutique shopping here do not compare) but my people… I miss my people. March marked two years here and I’ve made a few surface connections. I am so not a surface relationship girl. Having a birthday and realizing that if I were to want a party (I didn’t), there is no one to invite (again) is a pretty crappy feeling… I want to be happy here. I love our house. My husband so completely loves his job. My youngest is likely as connected and adjusted as she’ll ever be. I want to not be sad for me, but it creeps up on me. My birthday month was really hard for that reason.

Then lastly, there is the whole birthday thing. I’ve never loved them. Not really. Not mine anyway… My preferred celebration is dinner with my husband and kids and time out with friends. So when neither of those can happen (I really, really miss my other two kids too) and my husband KEPT asking me what I wanted to do- I had nothing… No input, no opinion. Nothing. What I wanted to do was work from dawn til dusk on the house so the day sped by and we accomplished something, but he was only really home for a couple of days and that wasn’t fair to him. I realized, as I turned 39, that I have a list of things I want to accomplish before I’m 40 next year. I thought I’d share…

1) a getaway with my best friend. (so needed!)

2) complete a 5K. (either walking or running. Jury is out on whether my knee can run.)

3) speak in public. (even if it’s simply giving a toast or testimony)

4) do something that absolutely terrifies me. (ha! Other than speaking in public.)

5) become a regular at a restaurant, coffee bar or bookstore.

6) chase my dreams (career wise) without fear, this year.

7) travel somewhere I’ve never been before.

8) have a weekend away with my husband.

9) learn something new. (skill)

10) try hot yoga.

11) Make a new friend.

12) take a photo everyday for a year.

13) Take Gen to the DIA. (I love it there, but she’s never been.)

14) go to Mackinac.

15) get a new tattoo.

16) find a volunteer job.

17) make homemade ravioli.

18) can a season’s worth of produce.

19) get my passport.

20) write down my fears and then begin working on confronting them.

21) learn how to build a fire from scratch.

22) ride on a train.

23) mother/daughter weekend with my girls.

24) 40 random drinks or meals bought for 40 strangers.

25) go skydiving.

26) host a dinner party. (I used to do this all of the time, back when I had friends. LOL)

27) get to know our neighbors.

28) repurpose a piece of furniture.

29) publish a book.

30) get a new wedding set.

31) acquire a ping-pong table.

32) play real tennis, even if I’m laughably awful.

33) take 365 walks.

34) read 40 books.

35) see a concert of someone I really, really love.

36) see a Broadway show that I’ve never seen before.

37) attend a conference.

38) spend time with all 3 of my kids- together- and have family photos done again.

39) ride a horse (it’s been since my early 20’s)

40) make someone’s life consistently brighter/happier/more joy-filled/less stress-filled.

The moral of my March, and what I learned is that I don’t want to be sad about the sad things. I want to learn, love and grow. I learned that even when life is beautiful and there is a lot to be grateful for (and there really is) sometimes circumstances will be a little unpredictably sad and catch me a little off guard… but a new day, (or in tomorrow’s case, a new month) will come and brighten the prospects a little bit…

What I learned in 2014…

Published on December 30, 2014December 30, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

As we pull up to the end of what has become one of the worst, (if not THE WORST) years in my 38 years of life, I thought I’d take a moment to share the lessons I’ve learned over these twelve months. I’ll be linking up over at Emily P. Freeman’s blog Chatting at the Sky.

– Being at your daughter’s wedding is a roller coaster of emotions that I don’t think any mother can really be prepared for. {at least this one wasn’t}

– I’m pretty ok with being a grandma at 38 to my daughter’s awesome new sons.

– Just because a large majority of people believe something is the easy way out does not make it so.

– Wearing a swimming suit, in a pool, that is now several sizes too big for you is inadvisable. (VERY, VERY inadvisable.)

– also inadvisable, when you have finicky hair like mine, is changing shampoos when you have one you really love. Big, BIG mistake…

– That my people are my everything, and when something scary, tragic, devastating or sad happens to one of them it may as well happen to me.

– A champagne massage is possibly how I want to celebrate every single milestone ever. Heaven.

– I suddenly hate cheese. And anything that has recently associated with cheese. And yogurt…

– That I have a STRONG dislike of granite countertops.

– That I will probably never be the daughter my mother wants me to be, that she will hate everything I enjoy and there is nothing I can do to control that.

– Likewise, I will likely never the person my kids want me to be. I’m trying to be ok with this too…

– no amount of passion, love or effort guarantees results/success.

– chasing people is only fun and affective when you’re under the age of 9, and on a playground.

– Being a writer is hard. Way harder than I perceived in 2013 and DEFINITELY more so than 2012.

– Podcasting is awesome.

– Churches in the area we live in now are seriously different from the other 8 states I’ve lived, and not different in a good way. It’s a major disappointment that our family is trying to reconcile with.

– I’ve grown to dislike moving, but worse is this 5 month purgatory of moving to who-knows-where…

– Friends can say some mean, crappy and insensitive things. Some friends say they’ll be there and never show up at all, (see: Chasing people above) but people are human and flawed. That’s ok. Step back, reevaluate. Some relationships are worth sticking it out, some are worth cutting them go…

– game nights are the best. Like mini-vacations, leaving your worries behind for a bit.

– I like less tv than ever. Sitting there too long drives me crazy.

– Newark New Jersey is like a completely different world than NYC, despite their close proximity.

– eloquently penned (& pinned) quotes and sayings on Pinterest are not always based in truth or healthy, even when if they may stir your heart to read.

– Some people live really nasty, and are completely unaware. We’ve walked through so many homes with our realtor that were absolute disgusting…

– lastly, I don’t need a fancy house or fancy stuff. I just want a home that is warm, peaceful and has a yard for my dogs, room enough for the bed I share with my husband and a room big enough for our dining room table to hold all our family…

My Favorite things 2014… {a little gift guide, of sorts.}

Published on December 5, 2014December 8, 2014 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay6 Comments

I love buying gifts for others. I would make a brilliant millionaire, in that way. (and the people I love would agree, I’m sure!) I’ve been told I am a good gift giver, which naturally makes me happy since I love it so much.

We made the decision, as a couple, a few years ago, to really take a step back from gift bingeing at Christmastime. It’s often vulgar and unnecessary. We reevaluated the gifts we bought our kids, and who we bought for in general. (and why)

As I wrap up the last of my very modest Christmas shopping, I thought I’d share with you a handful of things I love, in case you need a little help! Most of these are things that I fell head over heals with, just this year. (One of them though, has been on my wish list for years and years, and someday I’ll get it.)

Stocking Stuffer Wonderfulness…

EOS Coconut Milk lip balm is my FAVORITE “lip gloss” ever! I have a dozen of these little EOS eggs floating around in various flavors, but this and the new Vanilla Mint (blue swirl) are the BEST! (you can buy them at Target, drug stores & Kohls.)

Marrying Mr. Darcy is a really great card game! For anyone who love Jane Austin or P & P, this would make a delightful gift! We were turned on to it by a friend and our family really loves it, though I’ll save him a bit: Chw will play it and have fun- it’s probably not his first choice on family game night… (You can buy the game Here. There is also an expansion back with Zombies, and an Emma expansion pack coming soon!)

It’s the Girls is a brilliant cover album, by the amazing Bette Midler. While I’m not the sort of girl to cry and watch Beaches regularly, or belt out Wind Beneath My Wings whenever it’s on the radio- (who am I kidding, I am the sort of girl to do BOTH of those things!) it wouldn’t matter, because this album is for every girl. It’s stunning!

Chef on Blu-Ray or DVD. This has been, by far, my favorite movie of the year. So entertaining and fun! So poignant! It was one that I had to drag my husband to, after I waited anxiously for it, and then he LOVED it so much he immediately wanted to see it again right away. It’s one of the few movies anymore that makes me sit back and feel this is why we have movies… (Target, Amazon)

Crabtree & Evelyn Citron Hand Therapy would win my Product of 2014 award, if I gave out Product of the year awards. This stuff is phenomenal. Your lady’s* hands deserve to be treated like precious treasures and this is the product to do it, whether it’s in Citron or any scent. Citron just happens to be my favorite. (*or your hands, if you are a guy and want great hands. I don’t judge. My hubby will not balk at a hand therapy treatment because it’s just “good hygiene” and because it feels pretty incredible.) (Crabtree & Evelyn hand Therapy kit)

A little something under the tree…

Kate Spade Umbrella– Yes, it’s true, i love Kate Spade. Because of this, I will admit that maybe there are a hundred other brands of umbrellas that are equally as awesome. That being said, allow me to point out a few facts…

1.) I LOVE umbrellas and have many different kind/styles/sizes/varieties.

2.) When my hubby bought me this one, in Chicago this summer, I fell into Umbrella love and haven’t used another since. It is stylish, practical and just the best umbrella ever! (Kate Spade)

Whitney English Day Designer– My husband bought this for me last Christmas and it was easily the best gift ever. In so many ways I did not utilize this planner for all it was capable of, but it really was the absolute best planner I’ve ever had. Some of us girls will forever be paper planner gals and if this describes you or someone you know, this planner is PERFECT! (though the 2015 line isn’t out yet, so gift wrapping it would be creative…)

Sponsoring a Child through Compassion International– Our family sponsors a little girl named Elisabeth, and we adore her. Her letters and pictures are the first things we open, when they arrive. Just the other day her social worker (she’s only 5) told us about how she bought a goat, a dress, a rake and cake with her birthday money. This was mind-boggling to me, in fact we talked about it for most of the evening. They had written before about how Elisabeth loved to play with the family goat, and we had to wonder what a difference a second goat could make to a family…

What an amazing Christmas gift idea, to sponsor a child for someone else. It blesses the life of a child immeasurably, as well as the person whom you sponsored for as they get to see the joy and blessings spread through this life because of them. (Compassion International)

Dean & Deluca metropolitan spice rack– this is, obviously, the item that’s been on my wish list for the better part of a decade. I have several D & D spices in my spice cupboard. They are my favorite spices, I hoard them like crazy because they are amazing. If I lived in NY, I would absolutely shop there, even if their market made Whole Foods prices seem comparable to the Dollar General. The reviewers complain about the tins stacking odd, or smudgy labels. I don’t care about any of that… If you have a cook on your list who A.) loves quality spices, B.) has a huge empty space in their kitchen to store a beautiful D & D spice rack, and C.) your Christmas shopping budget is infinite- then this is definitely the gift for you! (Dean & Deluca)

While we are on the subject of gifts, we’re also talking about gift giving over on the podcast this week. (Be sure to subscribe, and remember we love hearing from you!)