There are a dozen-hundred things mulling about within my brain. It has been an awfully long month of march. Emotionally exhausting things which I, to tell you the truth, hadn’t expected to take their toll on me emotionally.
For one, while I knew that it would be challenging living in a partial renovation state, I underestimated how utterly exhausting it would be. When we work on a project, or bring some-little-something to the state of completion, I am elated. I feel a calm wash over me and a reaffirmation that we can do this. As my husband jet sets off to yet another business trip, and I’m here surrounded by boxes, tools and equipment though, this defeat rises like bile. It isn’t that I want it done right now, as much as I just want something done. Some space that is finished. Some area where I can drink it in and take solace that we’ll get there…
Then there is love… Though it’s not love, nor is she pretending it is, for which I am glad. My youngest has a crush. It’s months upon months old, but it has reached a dramatic climax over these past few weeks and emotionally I’m wiped out. Young hearts are being shaped and molded and her heart is special. She has certain struggles that others might not understand… Going through this has been so much more difficult than I’d expected.
I’m so far behind on a work deadline that I laugh and joke about my *insert air-quotes here*deadline because honestly I just want to curl into a ball and cry about it. I’m taking on another work project that I’m so unbelievably excited for, but I’m just a ball of ooey-gooey something over all of it… It is the right thing to do. Both are. They are my Best Yes decisions… But I’m not sure how to get from here, (here= complete unorganized, overwhelmed and unsupported chaos) to there.
And of course- I’m so lonely. I desperately miss, not so much Idaho home (though the restaurants and boutique shopping here do not compare) but my people… I miss my people. March marked two years here and I’ve made a few surface connections. I am so not a surface relationship girl. Having a birthday and realizing that if I were to want a party (I didn’t), there is no one to invite (again) is a pretty crappy feeling… I want to be happy here. I love our house. My husband so completely loves his job. My youngest is likely as connected and adjusted as she’ll ever be. I want to not be sad for me, but it creeps up on me. My birthday month was really hard for that reason.
Then lastly, there is the whole birthday thing. I’ve never loved them. Not really. Not mine anyway… My preferred celebration is dinner with my husband and kids and time out with friends. So when neither of those can happen (I really, really miss my other two kids too) and my husband KEPT asking me what I wanted to do- I had nothing… No input, no opinion. Nothing. What I wanted to do was work from dawn til dusk on the house so the day sped by and we accomplished something, but he was only really home for a couple of days and that wasn’t fair to him. I realized, as I turned 39, that I have a list of things I want to accomplish before I’m 40 next year. I thought I’d share…
1) a getaway with my best friend. (so needed!)
2) complete a 5K. (either walking or running. Jury is out on whether my knee can run.)
3) speak in public. (even if it’s simply giving a toast or testimony)
4) do something that absolutely terrifies me. (ha! Other than speaking in public.)
5) become a regular at a restaurant, coffee bar or bookstore.
6) chase my dreams (career wise) without fear, this year.
7) travel somewhere I’ve never been before.
8) have a weekend away with my husband.
9) learn something new. (skill)
10) try hot yoga.
11) Make a new friend.
12) take a photo everyday for a year.
13) Take Gen to the DIA. (I love it there, but she’s never been.)
14) go to Mackinac.
15) get a new tattoo.
16) find a volunteer job.
17) make homemade ravioli.
18) can a season’s worth of produce.
19) get my passport.
20) write down my fears and then begin working on confronting them.
21) learn how to build a fire from scratch.
22) ride on a train.
23) mother/daughter weekend with my girls.
24) 40 random drinks or meals bought for 40 strangers.
25) go skydiving.
26) host a dinner party. (I used to do this all of the time, back when I had friends. LOL)
27) get to know our neighbors.
28) repurpose a piece of furniture.
29) publish a book.
30) get a new wedding set.
31) acquire a ping-pong table.
32) play real tennis, even if I’m laughably awful.
33) take 365 walks.
34) read 40 books.
35) see a concert of someone I really, really love.
36) see a Broadway show that I’ve never seen before.
37) attend a conference.
38) spend time with all 3 of my kids- together- and have family photos done again.
39) ride a horse (it’s been since my early 20’s)
40) make someone’s life consistently brighter/happier/more joy-filled/less stress-filled.
The moral of my March, and what I learned is that I don’t want to be sad about the sad things. I want to learn, love and grow. I learned that even when life is beautiful and there is a lot to be grateful for (and there really is) sometimes circumstances will be a little unpredictably sad and catch me a little off guard… but a new day, (or in tomorrow’s case, a new month) will come and brighten the prospects a little bit…