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The better sort of list…

Published on April 6, 2016April 4, 2016 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Everyone is all about bucket lists… I made a beautiful one last year, to complete before I was 40. Losing my family and way of life shot my list all to hell, so I thought instead I’d make a list of the 100 BEST things I’ve done in my 40 long years…

skinny dipping in a natural body of water.
dancing in the rain.
watching fireworks, on a hilltop, set to Bach.
My first time at the ocean, a glorious week on the Oregon coast.
going in to NYC to see the tree at Rockafellar center.
Swinging with the kids I worked with, at Hope House, on a hot summer day with the public sprinklers on.
Snowcones with my kids.
Working at Hope House and the amazing, life changing relationships I made there.
Getting my nose pierced.
the tattooes I’ve carefully chosen.
I met Colin Firth.
falling in love with the culture and pop culture of South Korea.
Working at OBI and the dear relationships I made there.
That I’ve always been one to forgive and try again. No exceptions.
Seeing Starship on the Santa Cruz beach. It wasn’t Starship, but the beach, air and company.
My first upside down rollercoaster, in the rain, in St. Louis.
that I learned to appreciate music.
adopting.
The Chvrches concert. It was how concerts should feel.
New Mexico sunsets.
Reconnecting with my high school BFF and being one who demonstrated unconditional, sacrificial love.
Being stranded in an airport and befriending a total stranger.
knowing Jared Glenn.
Loving with my whole heart, even if that has never really paid off.
Understanding the value of true family, whether there’s blood relation there or not.
catching live crabs and cooking them on the beach.
the first time I held hands with a boy, no feeling compares.
seeing my niece be born.
the moment I met my husband and knew we would be married.
My first DMB show.
The secret P!ATD show in Boise, when Gen was little, complete with awesome treatment, tv interviews, etc.
Attending a wedding with an MTV film crew.
the first time I loped on a horse.
The gift of knowing and loving my grandfather.
My dog Paisley’s love for me. Life affirming.
My grandmother’s chicken and dumplings.
When my stomach finally eased after my first major bout with sea sickness.
The week long backpacking trip I went on, when I was in 8th grade.
Seeing a large meteor shower.
Seeing Wicked on broadway.
The time a bear went through our camp while we slept under the stars.
walking at the ocean, feet in sand and sea.
The first time I body surfed.
Genny’s Twilight impressions, when she was younger.
Learning to give facials.
any inside joke, with my husband.
Staying at the Regent Beverly Wiltshire.
Gen’s 6th birthday, in the hotel on Easter. it was really fun and a nice connection moment for C & I, with midnight cake and snuggles.
Christmas with my husband and all three of my kids.
The twin foster babies we had.
When my husband baked me a lemon cake for my birthday. It was one of the most beautiful, thoughtful moments I’ve had with anyone.
Tummy slamming, with Melanie, when we were little.
My cousin Kyle. He really changed my childhood.
My pet turtle Rosie, who made the journey from my house to my grandmother’s, a few blocks away, and back.
My german shepherd/husky (when I was a kid) named Betsy.
White water rafting.
The way autumn smells, in Idaho.
That huge, terrifying storm we had in Kansas, when I was 17.
Stars, porches and conversation.
My California girls trip, in 2001.
Alicia Michelle.
Petting an Elephant at the Portland Zoo.
The San Diego Valentines day getaway I had with Chw in 2002.
bacon wrapped dates in Illinois. Delicious dinner and lovely evening conversation.
The Blake hotel in Chicago. Stunning.
The gigantic moon the Christmas of 1999 in Phoenix.
My bus ride to Kentucky, from New Mexico.
The summer I went in a semi to Los Angeles.
The look on Chw’s face with his surprise 40th birthday. Making him happy was always my favorite thing ever, there was no one more deserving.
Hours and hours of playing Killer Bunnies.
Girl’s day on Make your Own Holiday day.
Being published in The Pink Project.
the living room conversation I had in 92. It was terrifying and safe to be known so well.
saving myself from my sexually abusive step dad.
the Detroit blackout in 2003.
the magic of my first plane ride to Michigan, amidst the turmoil surrounding me.
My grandparents shed, my safe haven.
playing “Mermaids” in Monique’s pool.
Seeing Chw & Gen when i got home from the LA nightmare.
My first trip to NYC. Tiffany & Co, Central Park & FAO Shwartz.
the first time I shot with my Canon.
My one and only healthy ultrasound.
Whenever I hug my son.
Face to Face conversations with my daughter Amanda.
Amanda’s wedding. Helping, being there for her and getting her through it, the father/daughter dance and how stunning she looked.
Waking up for 6 months of beautiful mornings, in the smoky mountains.
The most delightful conversation imaginable, with Emma Thompson.
Witnessing both the sun rising on the US east coast and the sun setting on US west coast. Different days, but still a gift.
email corresponding with my grandmother’s favorite soap opera actress, after my grandmother died.
Chw and his little figurine for me after I had my first real operation in 1999. It’s never meant more for me to see anyone in all my life.
hearing strange sounds and learning my cat, whom I didn’t even know was pregnant, had just delivered one single kitten, who looked nothing at all like her. It felt like a miracle.
A youth that included white water rafting, snow tubing, ice blocking and casually floating the river. It was a blessed adolescence for sure.
late night dance parties, being surrounded by the coolest of people you know.
Eerily quiet Chinatown, in San Francisco. Exhilarating.
Becoming sisters with my sister Sherri, who is my heart sister but I know there isn’t anyway we could be more genuinely real.
Being Julie’s heart daughter. She’s been gone a decade, this year, and I am still in awe of her love for me.
heart pounding risks…
following my instinct/intuition, and learning something anyway, when it may not work out.
Discovering Chinese massage. It may not be amazing everywhere, but here it is extraordinary.
My relationship with God, learning to blind trust and love through it has been the biggest adventure of my life…

The last day…

Published on January 29, 2016 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

I’d had a plan to leave my husband, in spring. It had been a homework challenge, with counseling. Then it became a “what other choice do I have, if he doesn’t want me?” sort of option, which evolved into an “I want this to happen.” sort of scheme. I had set my deadline so far away because I honestly believed he would step up and proclaim a fight for us. Everyone who really knew me realized this. I just couldn’t utter those words myself because the rejection of the one person who truly, deeply knew me was already destroying me. Once I spoke those words into the world, they were real and if he didn’t, I felt like it would be the death of me.

The last afternoon, before life truly fell apart (and seven days before I no longer had a home or a family) my husband and I had a great afternoon together. We had connected more in the former 15 days than we had in months and I felt filled with hope. I had been out-of-town for a couple of days and I’d missed him so much. I told him as much, when I returned. We went for coffee, shopped a little and sat talking for a long while. It was the sort of conversation filled with laughter, memories, dreams and a thousand other veins of talk that only could be truly made sense of by us- the livers of the life we were in. As the sunlight streamed through the windows of that second floor room where we sat, I felt so overcome with how grateful I was for my life, how deeply I loved that man and how desperately I wanted our marriage to last.

I fell asleep snuggled deep into him, inhaling him and just forcing myself to live in that moment. I had no idea what tomorrow held…

With a fierce punch to the heart, also known as disastrous hind sight, I was smacked with all of this today as I sat for a minute looking back on my Instagram stream. There on that day, in that room, was my daily photo. Because, as we were walking out I knew I’d want to remember it forever. Forever I will…

It’s so hard, with the magic of hindsight-vision, to not simply hate yourself for what you threw away. Regardless of the hows, the whys or the other factors- I had my own responsibility in the situation. While it’s true, I felt (by that time) that I had no choice in the way it all played out- I now see differently. So today, tear-stained and feeling so rebroken, I have to hold on to the memories to soothe the ache, and keep moving forward.

Forty Eve…

Published on January 25, 2016January 24, 2016 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Last year my birthday had me turning 39…

I spent the day with my husband and youngest daughter, but I honestly do not recall what we did. I do remember my husband did one of his characteristically thoughtful little surprises. Those are the things I love to remember the most. It’s bittersweet…

The one thing I did FOR myself, on my birthday, was taking a time out to work on a list of forty things I wanted to do before my fortieth birthday.

Here is the list now…

My first 5K
get a job.
take classes or a course to make #2 easier.
go on a real vacation with my family.
get my passport.
get my concealed weapons license.
finish my memoir
Learn how to do four new things.
make a new friend.
get into essential oils.
have dinner with, and spend time with William. (My high school BFF)
see my son.
make it as natural as breathing to bless someone else’s day, anonymously, every day.
to go on a long weekend with my husband.
take up yoga regularly.
Go to Idaho to see friends.
See a new-to-me broadway show.
confront my fear and hold a snake.
Put my toes in the ocean.
Live intentionally, Savoring even the unsavory in some way.
write more letters and notes than emails and texts.
realize what is really important, and focus on those things/people.
Skydive
take Gen (my youngest) to the DIA.
Do something memorable and special, with my family, every month.
have a girlfriend getaway.
pick up my camera and become friends with it again.
get new wedding rings.
Ride horses again, it had been ages.
go up north in the fall.
create something beautiful.
Speak in a public speaking engagement.
dance with and date my husband intentionally.
make REAL plans with Kozzette, for Sundance.
be an intentional gift giver to those I love the most.
get a basket for my bike, to carry picnics and flowers in, all summer.
more non-tv nights than those with the tv on.
catalogue the things that make me laugh, for when I can’t.
Be a better version of who I was at 38.
plan an amazing celebration, for my next decade, with the people I love the most there.

When I pulled this gem of a list out, some 65 days before my birthday, I went through various stages of shock… Bold would be the things I actually have done/continue to do. I admit that I was a little devastated to read through these items. It was like having to face a bullet-list reality of your very personal failures.

If I were to make a list of things I wanted to bucketlist for my fortieth year, it would be eerily similar. I guess that proves that I did NOT become a better version of me. In fact, when I look at the severe depression I plummeted into about a week or two after I wrote this list, and how much darker and scarier it got, well… I’d say it’s fair to say I became someone much worse. The things my depression put my family through are things I may take a very long time to forgive myself for… I italicized Idaho because moving here, at the end of my marriage was not what I’d had in mind.

In a raw and very real way I figured I’d make a list of the forty things, both good and bad, that I did do from 39-40…

Saw a few concerts I’d wanted to see for a long, long time.
helped my husband remodel the kitchen. Before my eyes it transformed into something more beautiful than I’d ever imagined. It will always be my favorite room ever.
I got drunk. twice.
I worked really hard, with Gen, to give my husband a beautiful Father’s Day. He really deserved it and it was so fun to have a conspirator.
I played a fair amount of table tennis.
I rode a roller coaster. Still get migraines from them and they aren’t my favorite, like they used to be, but I still did it.
I saw a fortune-teller, at an amusement park.
I began (And quit… twice) an Esthetics program.
I moved away from my husband and daughter, to a million miles and hours away.
I made an a few friends, one of whom is amazing and I adore and miss her!
I finally came to terms with the fact that my mother is not capable of loving anyone, even her only child.
I took part in breaking my daughter’s heart and forever altering her life.
I was introduced to the beauty that is Korean television, by two friends of mine. I shared this with Gen and I miss us in this way, very much.
I had a car accident.
I plummeted into a deep, terrifying depression and had no idea for most of it.
I took Gen to get her nose pierced. (I got the part of my ear I can never remember, pierced.)
I got an ironic tattoo, while severely depressed, as a milestone tattoo. SMH
I saw a lot of movies. Of course.
I fell in love with Korean Food, Korean music and the loveliness that is Korean culture.
My Kate Spade collection grew.
I made a lot of stupid, unclear decisions while I was depressed. (If you ever find yourself in that position- just don’t…)
I spent a ton of time obsessing over M & S’s Wilder Mind album.
I finally dove into a vinyl collection. The start of one anyway…
I realized I love a good cover song…
Bowled a few times. It’s my absolute favorite thing and I got to bowl about 5 times, which is really amazing.
I skipped Thanksgiving, and probably will make that same decision from now on.
I had the worst Christmas I’ve had since childhood.
I had an even worse New Years, but that’s a holiday we can’t ignore.
I learned I will do almost anything alone, without fear or complaint, but there is a small list of things that it’s just not in my capacity to manage.
I bought Broadway tickets, but didn’t get to use them. That had NEVER happened.
I changed every single ounce of my life. I went from being a wife and mother every day to being a pen pal.
I did a mom swap for several months and it was the one thing, during my 8 months of depression that I really loved. It kept me going and motivated me not to lose myself in it.
I tried Couch to 5K, and quit. I decided running, though my husband loved it, was not for me.
I got my first apartment based just on my credit.
I then lived off of credit cards after I worked incredibly damn hard to build my credit, because my money was all gone on things like moving, apartment deposit, helping a friend, etc… Thus ruining my hard-earned credit. Definite negative.
I realized I worked really hard to build a life that I’ll never get to live again, and that life had been my world.
Didn’t see my son, but there were still beautiful developments and I’ll hopefully see him soon.
I did learn how to give an AWESOME facial. And how to wax…
Totally lost sight of myself and then life changed so quickly, in that. I have no idea how to be, who to be, or how to fix things.
I got to spend a lot of time with my daughters, prior to Thanksgiving… I’m reminded constantly that it will never be the same. I’m living with that.

What I learned in June…

Published on July 2, 2015 by Mae @ Rainydayinmay3 Comments

1.) My eyesight has gotten so much worse, and by worse I mean that I now need Progressive lenses. Boo. I couldn’t figure out why I was A.) spending less time reading/writing online and B.) reading (books) hardly at all. Turns out it was incredibly hard on my eyes.

2.) Getting old is EXPENSIVE. (and by old, of course I mean 39.) Progressive Lenses are insanely expensive. My eye doctor quoted $700, and then I finally learned Costco would do glasses and new sunglasses for $250 after insurance. I remember back when I wore regular glasses, and those were so affordable in comparison.

3.) Toxic people really do lash out and try to pull you into their toxic disrupt. With this lesson, which I’d realized, (but before June, it had only been evident in people I was close with, which provided different elements) comes their inability to see reality beyond their damaged, self-tinted perspective. Immediate boundaries are vital and key.

4.) Painting a front door is a miracle worker. Sure, I knew painting anything could be, but the front door thing is new to me. I’m sold…

5.) Apparently, when I’m under a lot of stress and I need a vacation, I mentally check out with Netflix. After the recommendation of a series earlier this month, by several friends, Last week my awesome friend Megan over at An Unruly Life turned me on to Korean Dramas. Over the span of a few days Gen and I were immersed in a show called Fated to Love You, and it’s been all things Korean ever since. She’s wanting Ramen for lunch, (which she loved anyway), we’re listening to KPop and now wrapped up in a Korean Teen drama. I am already a lover of Kimchee though I’m yet to find any as good as a local restaurant here makes, to bring home and eat. Genny is hoping to find a nice Korean boy to marry and take her to his country to live… (The last bit may be going a bit too far, but it’s all new for her so I’ll let it slide.)

6.) I’m continually reminded we aren’t in Kansas anymore, Toto. And by Kansas, I of course mean Idaho. Things here are so different and sometimes I get so caught up in normal life that I forget. There were a handful of things that happened in June which were harsh reminders… Adapt, Misty, Adapt…

7.) I absolutely LOVE notes and messages from listeners of our podcast. When we started, I wasn’t sure if it would just be friends, but we get some of the sweetest notes. We don’t do it for any reason other than we believe our experiences in marriage and parenting are worth sharing because we believe there are others out there who may be able to benefit from them. If you listen, thank you! You’re the best!

8.) I am part of a Mystery Mom pen pal exchange that I love. I’ve been doing it for months, but it wasn’t until it wrapped up the end of May and restarted in June that it really hit me, how huge of an impact it is in my life. I LOVE it. If you know me at all, you KNOW that i absolutely LOVE to bless others and make them feel loved. This is so up my alley and I’m a firm believer that when things are overwhelming for you, one of the best things you can do is bless others.

9.) I NEED to shake up my work out routine…

10.) My husband is my rock. I knew this to a severe extent, but this past month he has proven himself so much more so than I could even have imagined. What I would do without him, I hope I never, ever, ever have to find out. I can honestly say if I did not have him, I doubt I would be sane, or here at all, today. As Salt ‘n Pepa would say- What a Man, What a Man, What a Man, What a Mighty Good Man…

The one where Mother’s Day happens…

Published on May 12, 2015 by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

I was called yesterday for another job interview. Whatever made me start applying for any and every job, I’ll never know. I guess I just felt desperate. At any rate, this job isn’t one I’d actually want. LOTS of travel and that’s just not conducive with our life. I didn’t even mention it to Chw. He’s pretty adamant that he wants me to stay home and write. I’d love that too, if writing had a weekly or bi-weekly pay check which actually paid the bills. So, I’m at a loss…

Gen had surgery last week and her recovery has been less than ideal. Before surgery she envisioned a week of popsicles, tv binge watching and ease. While I was a bit more realistic about her projected recovery, I did imagine myself with a lot of productive free time on my hands for some quiet reno projects and writing. We both couldn’t have been much farther off. She told me this morning (recovery day five) that she wished she were dead, and while I know my daughter has a flair for the dramatic, I also know this has been incredibly hard. Between the high fevers, rashes, bouts of choking on drainage from her septoplasty, which in turn deeply hurts her tonsillectomy recovery and plummets her into fits of sobbing (helping neither situation at all), it’s been bad. She doesn’t want me out of the room she’s in, and within a foot or two from her is better. She’s whiny (understandably) and in so much pain. The doctor wanted her eating soft food by day four, but at this point she will still only manage incredibly small amounts of jello, squeeze pouch applesauces* or slushies and I don’t see this changing any time soon…

(*random question/curiosity about squeeze pouch applesauce. Whats the deal? She takes them in her lunches, which is fine. When the tonsilectomy slid onto the docket I bought jars of applesauce though, because it just made sense economically. Each time we tried it, she cried and couldn’t eat it because it hurt so bad. Finally yesterday I bought some squeeze pouch (because she eats them in her lunches, we were out) and she ate it fine. What’s the difference? It wasn’t psychological because she loves applesauce in general and didn’t ask for the SP over the jarred…)

Moving on…

I’ve managed a whole lot of nothing. In the last five days I’ve:

– argued with my husband.

– gotten frustrated. (more than once)

– eaten fast food (which I hate, unless it’s Chick Fil A, which we don’t have.)

– cried.

– felt miserable. (I actually have a pretty fierce cold, though I think it’s on the mend)

– wanted to throw my phone at something. A lot. (crappy service in our house.) Of course I didn’t, and why? Because I don’t have a job and to replace my phone would cost real money.

– laughed at my daughter, a lot. Her recovery has been full of comedy. At first this wasn’t intentional on her part (as anyone with a kid whose had anesthesia can attest) but since then, her sense of humor has been amazing. When she’s not whiny. (again, who can blame her?)

– found Coke Life. Hello… AMAZING.

– Worked on our half bath. This is our latest, and possibly most frustrating of reno projects. (was supposed to be our quickest/easiest. We’re fools to think…) Mostly Chw worked on it, and I cheered him on, brought him cool beverages and occasional food and did little things. It’s ALMOST done, and I’m thrilled. Hoping, by the weekend. We’re also putting in a garden though, and so that takes priority over the finishing touches on the bath.

– watched a LOT of Friends.

– seen half a dozen Hallmark movies.

– Realized it’s pretty hard to sit and watch tv when you have a ton of things to do. Sometimes though, (these times) sitting and watching tv is the right thing to do.

All in all, I’ve learned a lot about motherhood this week. From my life of homebound (mostly) boredom, television and lack of adult interaction, but also from my older daughter. Motherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever journeyed through, and as a mother watching my daughter (who is an amazing mother) on her own journey is proving to be difficult as well.

Maybe Mother’s Day should be less about Hallmark cards and little gifts and more about personal milestones where we as moms sit back and reflect on another year and what we’ve trudged through, and how we’ve overcome. This world is full of weak moms who hurt or lose their kids, and then it is sprinkled with amazing women who pick up those pieces and mend the broken hearted babies with love and effort. Here’s to us… We may not be perfect, or even great but at least we did something good. Even when it’s just watching reruns on tv and coercing our sixteen year old to try another sip of water…