Category: friendship

Authentically speaking matrimony…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay1 Comment

We scrambled eggs and toasted bread, this weekend. There was coffee in the press, aromatically tickling the best inside of us while the ice blew around outside tugging at the less best.

It is so hard to listen to another when we cannot seem to look over the hurdle of hurts and inadequacies we choose to fence ourselves in with. We have all done this, to degrees, and the letting go is overwhelmingly vulnerable but so necessary.

If I were to ever write a book on marriage, this is absolutely the angle I would take. I would title it something akin to Get Over Yourself, and it would probably be poignantly badass and awesome. Lives and marriages would be changed and the world would bloom brighter because the divorce rate would plummet…

All from my book.

Obviously, this isn’t true. None of that would happen, and I would honestly never write about marriage. The truth is that this isn’t because I wouldn’t be qualified as much as because the world around me feels that I am not. I am asking myself quite a bit lately, how much does the world around me determine my path?

My husband and I married very young, with a very unhealthy support system, very loosely around whenever it fit their needs. We were life-broken and hurt kids, walking down the aisle to some promise of a future constructed by a mix of the 90’s church, movies and top 40 love songs. These ideas sold as ideals were all we knew to look toward, and so it was devastating when they let us down.  None of these things prepared us for emergency medical procedures in less than ideal locations, or badly mannered doctors brazenly promising you a healthy baby, while hours later you lay holding the sixteen week lifeless one in your hands while your husband wails and looks toward suicide to balm the horror throbbing from inside of him. Bloody bathroom baby funerals became the most consistent part about our early day marriage and when we looked up or called out, we were almost always left with only each other to look at.

Adultery honestly, with hind sight, kind of makes sense. Nothing within out lives made sense and everything hurt overwhelmingly, so escaping it for something which felt a little nice and was so separate from the worst life was almost a no-brainer. Of course, anyone who has ever cheated or been cheated on knows that this doesn’t take the bad away or really make it any better. It simply piles on top.

Divorce follows broken, blistered years of crash-course-adulthood almost always. In our case, had any one element been different- the support system, the miscarriages, the drowning medical debt- everything else may have changed. Had one tiny sign of life been present, the funeral would not have had to happen.

But it did…

And then a rebirth came. It was painful and gut wrenchingly beautiful and organically everything that should come from a shattered marriage moving forward. Living it was unexplainably complex.  Having grown up in the between helped immeasurably, and for that we were grateful. There was no condoning the giving up and not fighting, but we were attempting to redeem that short coming, and beauty abounded. A family miraculously came to be out of seeds of awful beginnings, and that next bit was real life littered hardships, sometimes discouraging but some how always intoxicatingly beautiful.

Gratitude. Always, there was gratitude.

But life is cyclic and shifts happen. The things which should have stayed most important slowly weren’t any longer and the slow-motion spiral stole our marriage’s breath away. Stole my breath away and silenced my heart. I have never felt so terrified, so incapable, so helpless, so worthless. So numb.

The train wreck following the slow motion fall was instantaneous and blinding. The deafening blows left my senses unable to grasp and be for weeks and weeks. When they did, I reached out to the supportive life I’d grown to nurture and found that the majority of them had been more shallowly inclined to love me than they had actually let on- once my life was shattered and bare. That is how it goes, really. Nearly every time. People love to show up when things are bright, and people love to take credit for the place they stand beside you, but when you fall most of them scatter…

Today I am with my husband. We made eggs and toast. We read a little, together, worked a little, together, and spent a cozy day confined inside while the world of never-ending winter froze just beyond our windows. The journey is long and hard and any one who has been married for any amount of extended time will know this. Not everyone tells the truth and so if someone tells you it’s great, just know they are lying to themselves more than to you.

Marriage is hard and it can be dark. It hurts more than any other relationship. When both people do their parts though, and put the other first, it is the most secure, warmest, most full filling and embracingly raw thing our human hearts can comprehend. Often what makes it so hard is that we cannot make the other person do their part or even want to, when they aren’t, which feels devestating. Sometimes they just don’t want to act on love, with us. And that sucks. When we each want to make the effort, it is so beyond anything I can find words for. Today has been a medium of that, while Friday was a not-at-all. Last weekend was a 10 out of 10.

And that is marriage. It is real, and you have to stay on top of it and protect it and work at it and honestly, there can not be time off. It is intensely 24/7, no day is a guarantee and no moment is scripted.

And when you are honest, in the train wreck times, there are people who will hold this in their memory until their very last breath. While they believe they don’t want you to fail, they also can’t get past that time when you could have. The worst part is that maybe they could have extended love and helped, but probably they didn’t, they just “care” so much to hold those moments against you.

My marriage is mine and my husband’s responsibility, but it is ignorant to pretend like no one else can hurt/harm/help it, because that just is not true.

For five months in late 2015/2016, my husband and I were separated and living in different states.  For two months, leading up to the sudden separation, things were really disconnected between us. Over that time there were counselors and others sought because we each said we wanted to have a strong marriage, and every time we were turned away. Within those five months, other people were DEFINITELY a majorly contributing problem. Those five months were two years ago. The sad expressions and gossipy questions looking for dirt never cease. This is why any book, on the topic, would never amount to anything. The social system around me would squash it from blooming. Can you believe she honestly thinks she has anything to say about marriage? Remember that time…

Allow a micro rant here- Stepping back I see this same exact thing happening in thousands of lives around me, in so many ways. Why are we rooting for the failure of others while masking it as concern? When you “well-meaningly” ignore two years of progress and healing to cut me right back to that time- it isn’t loving and it isn’t support. If all you can think to ask is how my marriage is, since the separation, then perhaps you should stop and think about the 24 years of survival and work we’ve put into it instead of the five months we were flat on our faces- and then ask yourself how you could have actually shown kindness both then and now…  And if you are one of those people and are married- shame on you for taking that self righteous path of crushing down.

Rant over…

When I want to look to someone for marriage inspiration and guidance, I look to the person who has been honest about their rollercoaster journey. THIS shows commitment, not the pretty filter image projected out there. When I want fitness/weightloss inspiration, I look to someone who has actually done it, not the naturally permanent size 4 girl with her own youtube channel. the time for authenticity is NOW…

I made eggs and toast, along side my husband. We had a few little irritations. This isn’t because of any other reason than we’re human, we have outside things in each of our lives that interfere with our thoughts and stresses. We were trapped in our house while an ice storm wailed outside. We are people. I love my husband more than any adjective could explain and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him, within my power. My marriage isn’t great, it isn’t fine, it isn’t anything other than REAL. Just like yours…

 

Way BETTER than American Idol…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Hello Again!

 

So, we have a really exciting competition as part of our launch of The Collective podcast/community! As you are probably aware, our mission is to inspire women to bravely share their stories, (all stories, any stories) because it is through transparency that we can relate and begin to bridge gaps where society, our misconceptions and life’s heartaches have kept us in shame and isolation.

 

On Friday evening, with our launch, we would like to introduce our community to an amazing woman! (And let’s be clear- we are EACH Amazing women, none more than the other) This is where YOU come in!

 

We would love for you to nominate a woman! All you need to submit (via email or messenger) is a photo of that woman and a quick statement as to why you’re nominating her! Don’t worry; it is not a competition in any way… The winner will be selected at Random. The best part about that is that BOTH the selected nominee and the submitter will each receive a prize!

 

Submissions must be received by 11:59 EST on Thursday April 12th.

 

We hope you will take a step forward, towards building a safe and nurturing community that all women deserve! (the only requirements for submissions is that they are over the age of 18, have a US mailing address and would not be mortified by their photo being on our instagram account!)

 

We can not wait to meet your amazing women!

This is forty-two…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

Yesterday my youngest daughter turned nineteen. At nineteen she represents herself, to us anyway, as the authority of all things, and that’s pretty normal. At nineteen, lifetimes ago, I am sure I did the same thing. Adulthood is still new, the real complexities and woes of it are yet to really hit home. In most cases, the biggest “grown up” problems you’ve had to face are pretty nominal in comparison. At nineteen we know more than we’ve ever known so naturally we feel pretty wise…

Forty-two is completely different. I woke up this new age, and yet don’t feel very different. While nineteen seems so long ago, (and in a galaxy far, far away) with it is that feeling of knowing or understanding anything at all. I literally have nothing figured out.

Nothing…

One year ago yesterday felt like a car accident. One that I should have seen coming, but didn’t. While an adoptively rocky relationship with my daughter had always been so much, it wasn’t until that day, last year, when it really hit me- we will likely never have a real relationship. It was devastating to finally acknowledge that this child whom I had given up so much for, and invested so much of myself in, wasn’t genuinely invested in me at all. I know there are so many friends saying Misty, come on… You should have known. But I didn’t. I feared it. I worried about it. I honestly believed that if I loved her enough, forgave enough, did enough that one day it would be enough. And then I had to realize- that day wasn’t going to come.

This is forty-two… waking up, one year later, having seen the fruition of that. Having to come to terms with it, grieving the loss of what I spent my motherhood lifetime hoping would be the family I ached to have. Pushing aside the this is not fair feelings that bombard me when holidays, milestones (and yes, even this birthday), come around… It is no coincidence that Let Go chose to be my mantra for this year of my life. I am brutally learning to let go.

Letting go of the dreams of my home filled with my children and my grandkids. Letting go of that next phase it seems like everyone else experiences, of whole-healthy families coming together for the important moments… One year ago today I still dreamed this fantasy (for me) possible, today I know it is not. This is forty-two.

I do not know a single person who fought as hard to be a mother. I have three amazing kids whom I love INCREDIBLY, and not one of those relationships came easily. In each situation it was like I had to push against the world, just to make it so. Somewhere in the back of my (human and needy) mind I knew that I was fighting to bring together the family that I had spent my own youth begging for. And I tried. I did do my best, despite the vile stories floating around that someone wants people to believe about my motherhood- I do know I did my best… But it wasn’t enough. Not enough to have that family I thought I was making. Not in the way I so deeply wanted anyway.

And there in lies the miracle of it all. I wanted… I didn’t need it, even though it felt like I did, (and still honestly feels like I do). I deeply, desperately, cravingly ached for it- but it was never vital. Letting go… This is forty-two.

Looking back at the opportunities I set aside and sacrificed and feeling like now I am so far behind, but not too far behind. It may be harder now, but still possible. This is forty-two.

The journey from forty-one to forty-two has been perhaps the most brutal of them all. I am tired, weary and emotionally feel done. This added challenge of letting go is trimming my heart in ways which I was both  unprepared and are long over due. With the good-bye to forty-one, I send with it the tiny fragments of innocence which had remained.

Just because we desire something, that does not mean it will happen.

Just because we love sacrificially, with everything we have- does not mean they will love us back.

I could fill this list with a thousand lessons learned throughout this year, but the most important one (for me) is that I am ok. I do not need the things I thought I needed. I will also no longer accept the things I might have then. Someone is either all in, and willing to make effort or they aren’t. These things are not my responsibility and there is nothing I can do to motivate them for more. I do not need to prove myself to motivate anyone to find me of value, and those people I value have had me demonstrate such in infinite volumes.

Having feelings for someone does not equate to love. love requires selfless action, intent, honesty and vulnerability.

Apologies are nothing without the actions of love.

The age limit on achieving anything is societal and not reality based at all.

Those dreams and desires our hearts are built on, aren’t real either. Gravitating towards them will not make them so. Sometimes things are just really impossible, and being real about that isn’t pessimistic. Lying to ourselves (or anyone else) “optimistically” is still lying. It isn’t encouraging. It isn’t comforting. Well, maybe it is comforting in that way that you feel super sad so you eat an entire pan of brownies and a pint of ice cream. As the sugar-drug soothes, you might feel balmed… Not too long later though, you’ll either be crouched over a toiled puking your brains out, or wish you were. Not better at all. False hope, the little lies we tell ourselves because the truth is to bleak- this is the very same thing. The outcome of such dishonesty only makes us all worse off.

I am done dreaming about my future. I am done imagining a full life, of a house filled with love and laughter and the people I care about. Dreaming up the vacations, holidays and the dinner parties and all of the things I was so certain this stage of my life would be filled to the brim with. These things belong to so many other mothers and grandmothers, but not this one. Not this time. Thousands of tears have been shed over such things, but nothing ever assured me that was the place in which my motherhood journey was headed, and it’s time I let go of the emotional energy holding on to that and just move on. Whether I was not enough, did not do enough, or whatever the reasoning- it does not matter… This is forty-two.

I walk through life in a near constant headache, with a chronic illness on my back. I love some of the songs and films I have loved before, and many I do not. I enjoy doing a lot of things that I seem to never do. I live a daily life that resembles nothing I ever thought it would- and that’s ok too. This is forty-two.

I have to admit I am closer to the end, than the beginning, and there are days when I question if the end is significantly closer than I’d like it to be. That is grim, and maybe where the thoughts of this age tend to drift. I don’t know, I’m new here…

I am drawing closer those good things & people who reciprocate my time and effort, and releasing my grasp on those which don’t. It seems cold to the ones released, but I just don’t have enough strength to be the majority any more. This is forty-two.

It is honest, it is different. It is ugly and motivational. It is lonely and self-assured. It is lessons learned and ignorance with a whole lot in-between.

To celebrate this birthday I will run a few errands, drink another cup of coffee, turn my phone to silent and keep my eyes looking forward. At what, I do not know. Where I will be at forth-three I have no clue. I have hopes, but they are like clouds which change shape and drift away. I won’t pretend to have it all figured out, and I will finally admit that I have no guarantees. I spent forty-one years of my life crippled by the fear of isolation and a solo journey, and now I see that I’ve been riding this horse alone and I am ok after all. This is forty-two.

None of my favorite bands have songs named for this age, unlike 41. None of the books I am drawn to offer solace for this stage. This stage, for me, isn’t the same as it is for others. We each have our own stories and I can no longer hide my eyes from my shaping tale, simply because I had hoped and prayed for something different…

This is forty-two, and that is ok. I am ok. All false (destructive) optimism aside, I am moving forward and each lesson is a stepping stone for something real, and real is far better than an imaginary bliss any day.

I am ok.

I am not sure any birthday before had me sitting deep in the saddle of that knowledge.

It’s Friday, I’m in love…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

In many of the ways imaginable, THIS has been a rough week. My heart is truly at it’s breaking point, and yet the sun rises and a new day dawns. It is so hard while we are within the seasons which are heavy, but trying to grow how we can and remember this is only a season… This is where I am at this morning. I’ve brewed some fragrantly inviting cinnamon cardamom coffee and I’m sitting down to gather my day and scatter myself as needed, across its blank canvas.

When that may not work then I will simply remind myself that I am thirteen days away from vacation.

Totally off the point and random, I am dating the idea of buying one of those instamax cameras. They aren’t super expensive but the film is. Will the nostalgic idea of it wear off, leaving me disappointed? Will I wake up one day, brightly colored piece of plastic magic in hand and realize I am not sixteen and would have been better off spending my money on an anti-wrinkle cream? These are the questions which plague me. I had the opportunity to borrow one for a while, but that didn’t work out, and so I am left debating… If anyone reading this little post has one and cares to weigh in, I’d LOVE your feedback.

This week… This week was a hard week. This week was a growth week. This week was so heavy in so many ways. That being said, it’s time… And after all, it is friday-

  • My job comes with many cool opportunities and very little monetary compensation. As one who really is in favor of the barter system, this is cool. While it doesn’t necessarily put food on the table or pay the electric bill, I am pretty grateful for what it does do. While I am typically directed towards more conservative projects, where work is concerned, this past weekend I had the opportunity to attend a screening for a sweet little film called Love, Simon. (While it is my heart to respect everyone, in this space, I also realize we can’t always please everyone. If it’s not your thing, don’t go see it. Don’t engage in conversation about it. Just show grace and move on…) For anyone else- this movie is lovely. It was hilarious and so heartwarming and a pretty vital tale, for such a time as these…
  • With the mere mention of keto, your brains may be turning to jelly and your gaze growing catatonic. I promise, there is only one (well, maybe two) things. But one of them, (this one) isn’t really a keto thing… It’s just an awesome thing. Did you know that, at Five Guys, you can order this???? It is brilliant, AND tasty, and on a Keto note- really nice because sometimes life is just in need of grabbing food which you neither have to prepare or clean up from.

Regarding that last statement. Here has been our biggest annoyance regarding this little Keto adventure… THE DISHES. Seriously SO MANY dishes, all of the time. I mean, it doesn’t help that I make our dog food too, but still…

Moving on…

  • I received these awesome socks as a gift, and have had them for a few months now. They’ve been worn (a lot), washed, dried, stolen by the puppy, retrieved by the puppy, etc… and I can honestly say they are THE BEST socks I have ever had. They are comfortable, warm, cute, cozy and make me happy every time I wear them.
  • This tea, from Panera, is pretty delicious (And carb free- good news for me, should I be in a situation where an overpriced beverage is called for, it absolutely does the trick! I enjoyed it twice this week.
  • The Bacon & Butter cookbook is amazing. That’s all I can say… (here it is, the second Keto-ish point)

Lastly though, the things which I truly loved this week were my amazing husband, the miraculous fact that he was in town and my sweet friends… I HATE, HATE, HATE that my nearest and dearest kindred spirits are no where near where I am, but they are pretty lovely people and I’m super grateful for them.

It’s Friday I’m in Love…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

I am IN LOVE with these flowers. Every January I find myself wishing February would hurry up and arrive, and then it does… And usually (not always) the weather is worse, I feel more tired (tired of winter, tired of cold, tired of being tired. Ha!) and at some point I am grumbling about stupid February and how much I hate February, etc…

But then I make my way to a super market or shopping center somewhere, clad in winter boots and braving the elements for something entirely necessary like dish soap or brown eggs, and my senses are straight-up attacked by flowers.

FLOWERS EVERYWHERE. And I melt and fall in love.

February is the beginning of fresh, beautiful flowers.

So yeah, I could talk about a hundred topics right now, and they would mostly end in grumbles or grunts, but then… FLOWERS. Flowers win.

Other than the Flowers (which are the obvious gold medalists in my life right now) there are a few things my week has held, which I’m excited to share with you.

Speaking of medalists… How about those Ice Dancers earlier in the week! Amazing…

1.) We ran to Chick Fil A for breakfast the other day, which might seem pretty basic to many of you. I get it, I used to live near one too. In those days it was grabbing Chick Fil A while heading to do something else. During this season though, Chick Fil A has become a coveted destination in which we wrap other errands and stops around. (but seriously, their Chicken Minis are worth every single liter of fuel we burn to get there) Anyway- while this was a tasty highlight to reminisce, it really has nothing to do with CFA at all… (you are SO welcome for this ramble) While we were out that way, I wanted to run into Cost Plus. I am looking for a particularly awesome thing, and figured if it actually existed, this would be the place in which I would discover it. (It may not, because I did not…) As I, belly blissfully happy on Chicken Minis, disappointedly rounded an aisle corner (so incredibly defeated in my search for that which does not exist) I stumbled upon these…

Just in case you are reading this, and you knew me between the ages of 14 and 18, I know you are exhaling loudly because you know EXACTLY how much this discovery made my world! (I mean, I knew they “came back”, but I stopped looking for them (in every single convenience store) ages ago.)

2.) Since we are talking about things that we devour because they are delicious… Have you tried this? I mean, SERIOUSLY, you guys. And in a crackable tub… (that tub is probably the closest I will ever come to actual crack, which is ok because it was pretty great.)

3.) My Lent commitment, this year, is a little different from years past. I have vowed to spend 40 hours reading books which are more life helpful than fun. As a full-fledged grown up, reading seems to have become a big struggle for me. (Give me options and I will choose Netflix or Instagram every single time. SMH) But when the challenge is to read those things which will NOT capture my imagination and entertain me? Ugh. Fun fact though, so far I am loving it. I curl up in my awesome chair (see Instagram post) and more days than not (so far…) I am sad when the hour timer long goes off, because I might be contemplating staying there forever. (confession: a couple of times I felt like that hour lasted fourteen years and leapt from the chair as if it were about to swallow me whole.) First I read Uninvited. I genuinely like Lysa. Sometimes reading her feels a bit like a chore, but that could totally be on me and my Twitter sized attention span for reading. This book captivated me heart and soul. There is so much highlighter on these pages now, that I think the book itself doubled in thickness. GOOD STUFF, and this current season of isolation- that I’ve felt stuck in for far too long now- made nearly every page in that book so ridiculously relevant.

After I finished that book, I moved on to Of Mess and Moxie. And seriously, while I adore Jen Hatmaker, I can honestly say I have never read any of her books. (remember my whole adult struggle with reading part from before) I was a little nervous (it’s true, I won’t lie.) But honestly, I LOVE this book. It was the perfect book to follow Uninvited. In amazing fashion, it taps into all of the same raw places and balms them (while challenging me) just a little bit differently. I DEFINITELY recommend it.

4.) Oh so long ago, in a hobbling attempt to pick up a prescription that I did not want, at a pharmacy which I did not prefer to frequent, my eyes fell on a tiny little display of this… This stuff sold itself well, and it knew its target audience (obviously me, in so much pain I wanted to leap into oncoming traffic, except I couldn’t really leap due to the pain) and so naturally I bought it on impulse. The entire drive home (this was September, you guys) I thought about how I could not wait to get home and let it cure me of pretty much everything. By the time I was home, however, and settled in for a spell, I was beyond intimidated by it. Like an obedient little fraidy-cat, I put it on my bathroom shelf where my eyes would notice it whenever I walked into the bathroom.

Oh, they did. EVERY. TIME. And the guilt I felt over impulsively dropping $25 on something I knew the likely hood of me ever actually using was daunting. The longer it sat there, the more it resembled something completely unsafe and dumb to waste my time on. And then, the other day my back was screaming with the agony of someone 3 or 4 times my age (sad, I know) and in an attempt to do pretty much anything to get it to calm down, my eyes caught a glimpse of this brown bottle. I scanned the medicine cabinet before I willingly plucked the brown bottle from its dusty place on the shelf, (though honestly I am unsure what I was hoping to find- as the strongest meds in there are 800 MG Ibuprofen and that hasn’t touched my back pain in pretty much ever) but relented and read the instructions.

Pretty much the nutshell of this insanely long point: Get the Frankincense & Myrrh. (By the gallon, if you find that option, and then tell me about it because I might just like to bathe in it, daily.)

5.) The other day I got all fancy and roasted a chicken. Because the delicious chicken deserved something equally as tasty to accompany it into our bellies, I made this Asparagus recipe. When I grow up more than I am now, (to the be the full-grown, responsible adult who LOVES non-fiction books, that is) I want to be able to afford to eat asparagus every day. THIS asparagus, because it was seriously bright green heaven, in the form of a vegetable.

In fact, it was so vibrant that it was not unlike a beautiful stemmed flower, which brings us full circle and that is a truly lovely thing!

*If you haven’t already subscribed to my super cool, monthly newsletter, PLEASE DO! There’s an annoying little pop up which shows up right when you land on the page! It would be AWESOME if you’d sign up because then you’ll be “in the know” about exciting new projects, happenings, and get news more personalized than what I share here! (your information is completely safe!) *

What have been the best parts of your week? Show and tell, you guys, so show me while you tell me all about it! (Last week I had seven different people tell me Black Panther was theirs and they were sure it would be mine too. I did see it. It isn’t. My theory here is that one can read too many “great” things about a really good thing, thus leading to it being a little ruined. I know (and I’m so sorry!) …