Category: depression

the wonder…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Over the weekend I went to Toledo to attend a Beth Moore conference. Of the pages and pages of notes I penned, there is one particular thing Beth said which I have not been able to shake. Don’t misunderstand- She said a lot of truly incredible things. Magnificent and wise things which had my hand, at times, scribbling a million miles a minute just to capture a small fraction of what she shared. This one thing, however, this one particular thing split me wide open and has clung to my spirit…

When you are unable to see the Wonder (of God) anywhere in your life, that’s when it might be time to realize you are the wonder.

I mean seriously- BOOM.

There are times in my life when I have seen the hand of God all over the place, and other times when I would have to simply reassure myself by acknowledging the very miraculous wonder of my journey to motherhood, because nothing else came to mind. As bold and big as that part of my story will always be, there was never a moment when I flirted with considering my own life (or self) as any sort of wonder.

Self care is at the heart of everything I say, anymore, and yet, ironic isn’t it, that I would point to my kids, my spouse and many of my friends as the miraculous wonders of someone Holy, while ignoring the mirrored reflection I posses completely?

No, not me. I have a lazy eye. My hair gets frizzy. I screw up way too much. No one cares about what I have to say. The list can be long and go on, and on, and on.

When I want to be, I can be pretty skilled at finding joy and awe in the moment by moment “small” things. I have journals chronicling my gifts in the ordinary and often pain filled moments. I get it… But what about looking a little differently at these things? It is totally ok for me to see Elenor as a gift, my kids as gifts, my marriage, money, friends, etc… It is an endless list when heading in that direction, but if I reverse it back, it pretty much stops where it began. Am I possibly a gift? Could I be? Could I ever see myself as such a thing, and should I? This goes beyond feeling grateful that, when fibro sore legs throb, at least I have two legs to carry me. This goes beyond when an eye strain headache deblitates me, at least I have eyes to see, to read. But me? I’ll have to question and meditate on such things, but for now I have decided to challenge myself to look a little deeper.

Where is the wonder today?

Today I will photograph.

Today I will write.

Today I will capture.

Today I will create.

Today I will be still.

Today I will bridge a gap and connect.

Today I will…

And maybe it will simply be one capture, one snap shot or one written word. Perhaps my stillness will last three blissful minutes before life sets it. It does not matter the volume, only the intent motivating it. It is in these intentional acts, as well as outside of them, that I will see the wonder.

Some wonder.

Wonder…

My mind isn’t always my friend…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Yesterday was the sort of day when it’s a struggle to find one single thing to be grateful for, which seems a little ridiculous when you think about it, after the fact. I felt so inundated with complexities, loved one’s health issues, my own body’s limitations and dog poop. It was overwhelming, at best, and this girl who very seldom cries shed a lot of tears. I remember a point where I tried to think of ONE thing to focus on, that was great, but could think of nothing.

Not one thing.

That is pretty sad. I don’t feel comfortable with my default being a macro focus on my own short comings and life hiccups. By the time I dared to sleep, shortly after 2 a.m., I was able to think of volumes of amazing gifts that I have, but of course that comes at a cost too. The guilt. The guilt of not being mindful, of taking things for granted. My day, which had been speckled with music I love and conversations with people who I am so grateful for had become a short-sighted list of complaints. Today I want to journey towards preventing that to happen again.

Sure, bad days happen. None of us are free of that risk, but I’m contemplating, this morning, how much more I complicated things by focussing on my own pain and limitations, and then frustration.

Today is a new day!

It began with a great cup of coffee, a nice walk with my Emma girl (who was a huge canine complication yesterday, to the point that I was ready to give her away on the spot!) and an 8000 mile bridged text conversation with the husband. What is there to complain about that? NOTHING!

Now, tomorrow morning I have a too-early dentist appointment, so maybe my Thursday won’t be so great… Ha!

one, two, three, one…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

The mornings are cold, the dogs sneeze around bites of breakfast and I want to stress to them the importance of bundling up and cuddling but they just don’t get it. Emma, the older and grumpier of the pair, (and I say pair, but really, but they are never together and don’t like each other) would pose a threat to my life if I were to attempt a cuddle. Elenor, on the other hand, may be as shivery and sleepy as can be, and the second I attempt to snuggle she becomes a playful and ferocious beast, all teeth and wagging tail.

My husband is getting ready to say goodbye to today, as he is on the other side of the world and it is very nearly tomorrow, there. As he spends this time in the future, I find myself much more aware the time, time zones, timing. Time is a funny thing, at times it crawls, as I fear these next weeks will do. Other times it speeds by so fast, I am left dizzy and altered.

This morning I am pondering hurricane damage, flood and fire brokenness and how, though I may not love Michigan, I am very lucky to be here. So many people I love have experienced such fear and loss these weeks of calamity. The worst thing I’ve had to face, other than my husband’s departure to Australia, is a small cold and a 36 hour migraine. In the grand scheme of things, it’s a whole lot of nothing major.

Here in Michigan it did seem like Fall came out of nowhere. All of a sudden I needed to pull sweaters out of storage, and keep the kettle plugged in for cups of tea throughout the day. Don’t get me wrong, I am not at all complaining. Autumn is my favorite, but I am giving pause. With the arrival of Autumn, (after such a strange summer) i am forced to confront that winter is not far behind.

Over these next few weeks I am focussing on small things. Small goals, moving towards a healthier me, place and perspective. Today I am taking small steps towards those bullseye destinations…  Everyone knows about that one quick way to shed a few pounds, or change-up a routine, or make you an instant morning person, and that is so great. What I’m looking for however are those small things which pave the way to the bigger picture lifestyle of healthy all around. For me, this morning, that looks like an early morning walk, a smoothie for breakfast, and RX bar for snack and a reconnection with my quiet time.

For the week I aim to take in a yoga class, practice tai chi, read a book and write a letter.

Small, attainable, intentional…

Pocket sized self care…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

Several years ago Chw and I were doing an intentional dating workshop. We were desperately trying to break our dinner and a movie rut. (Oddly enough, through the encounter and 90 day challenge that followed, we learned that we really like doing dinner and a movie. Sure, we expanded to doing other things, but when we actually enjoyed something, it wasn’t quite a rut we learned.) One of the “dates” were for the husband (Chw) to purchase a small, pocket-sized totem for the wife to carry around. The purpose was to act as a grounding, between the two. Whenever the wife, (in this case, me) would pull said totem from her pocket, coin purse, etc, it would remind her of her husband’s love and her belonging to him.

Oddly, my sweet husband took it literally and thought he had to get something that would actually represent him. I went to my favorite store, stressed out over the pressure of the task that is Chw’s fashion, and purchased a silver dollar sized bracket with a C on it. It was so sweet, and funny and although i ADORE that C, I do not carry it in my pocket or coin purse.

This little task resonated with me. This adult girl with abandonment issues and a lifetime lacking much connection, I was in awe of the simplicity of the task. If you and I are remotely close at all, you have likely received some totem token from me. Perhaps it was a four-leaf clover coin, or a small silver elephant, or something similar. I love them!

During the time stopping six months, last year, that we were separated, I had found tiny, polished wooden hearts. I bought two, and carried one around in my pocket everywhere. (I mailed the other one to Chw.) Every time my hand came in to contact with that smooth and grainy heart, I prayed for him and us. I prayed for my heart. I prayed for love and I felt myself swell up with so much joy and longing for my husband. Within that palm, which I feared would never be held by his again, I clung to this heart.

During that time, as well, one day I was at work and feeling completely without hope. I prayed for something I could cling to, out of habit. I begged God to give me a small, piece of something. Anything. Just something to help me hold it together…  A minute or so later a flat ring was just sitting on the counter in front of me. It’s like the piece that goes behind a bolt or screw. I laughed a little. So, it was a piece of something. In my pocket it went, and for the next six months my pocket and/or palm was never without that little metal piece and my wooden heart…

Totems are important and often litter our lives, even when we don’t realize it. They could be a place, or even a person. Maybe it’s a photo, or a pocket-sized trinket like these. What ever it is, they can bond us to something we feel a need to hold tight to. The flip side is true too though, things can tether us to unhealthy memories, addictions or relationships. I’ve realized, over time, that I have had those too. Maybe not in my pocket, but certainly in my life. Yet another reason to cling to the things in life which I love and bring value, while throwing out the rest.

Self care comes in all shapes and sizes, it is not one-size-fits-all. Holding tight to the things which remind us to move forward while letting go of the things which tie us to an unhealthy past is a pretty universal necessary though.

 

Inception…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

I love the interaction and responses that I get from my readers re: Mask Monday and their journeys of self-care. (I can honestly say it is one of my favorite things!) I decided to make today’s blog post and Mask Monday a marriage of something to address a few of those questions. Mask Monday is not something I started. Let me be very clear about that. I saw it tagged on Instagram and being educated in esthetics and very passionate about skin care, I ran with it and practice it most Mondays. Initially I thought this would be a great opportunity to practice homemade face masks, but let’s be honest, we all have lives and while I soon realized this wasn’t super realistic in my day, every week, it wouldn’t likely be practical in yours, all the time, either. I do attempt homemade DIY skin care fairly frequently, (I have shared some of those in my newsletters.) and am currently working on a few things in that realm of skin care.

Today, though Mask Monday will be a key feature in this post, what I really want to address is the self-care aspect of it. While regular skin care is important, the act of intentionally take care of yourself is far more so. A few of my regular Mask Monday followers have confessed that this is the only time they really have for themselves, each week, as they sandwich it into busy lives, motherhood, work and other chaos. My response to this is always one of encouragement, and hope that they can sandwich a few more moments throughout the week. The art of living simply is becoming ever so trendy, and yet it still seems just out of reach for many of us.

If we can manage 15 minutes most Mondays, than let’s be intentional about it. The 10-15 minutes that our mask sits, feeding our skin, is our time to nourish ourselves. No dishes, or laundry. No checking in on social media. The care of self we take, within the time frame of the self-care mask on our faces, is vital.

I am not going to tell you what to do with your time, each of our needs are different. I will encourage you not to spend them on social media or technology of any kind. Though our lives have become more dependent on these things, they are pretty much the opposite of self nurturing.

Sometimes I do a few chores, but I make sure these are things representative of why this sacred slot of time is. This morning, mask on skin, I washed my make up brushes. Sometimes I brew a pot of tea and just dwell within the process, clearing my mind. There are days I stretch, journal, pick up a novel, paint my toe nails, write a note to a friend… These things work for me and fill my internal bucket, they may look different for you. Whatever they are, be intentional, and remember to take care of yourself.

I am a big believer in whatever we do, let’s do it well. The act of nurturing ourselves should not be the exception and it seems like often it is. There are days when I am just exhausted and doing a mask feels like the only thing I can manage, and even that feels daunting. On days like that, I may spread out my yoga matt and stretch, or just lie there and try to focus on the things I am grateful for. There are days when I drink a glass of water and take my vitamins, then choose a healthy snack (usually something rich in antioxidants) and practice just being while I enjoy it. On the really great days I do a hair mask as well. (Honestly those don’t happen as much as they should.) One of my favorite Monday things is to stare at my vision board. (Don’t have a vision board? Maybe take your fifteen minutes to start working on one! A Vision board is a GREAT way to love yourself!) Listen to you. Not the voices that tell you it’s a waste of time, or to do it later. Not the voices filled with negativity. Find what your soul is telling you today TODAY. It may not be what you need next time, and that’s ok. This intentional time for you is the most important thing you can do for you, so let’s do it well.

There is a need, and though I am no expert, I have read your questions and notes and heard what lies behind many of them. I’m going to make Monday posts here more focussed on self-care. Some days this may be loosely connected and other days it may be a brief blurb. I hope they help us all, as we journey through this life.