Category: chronic illness

Inception…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

I love the interaction and responses that I get from my readers re: Mask Monday and their journeys of self-care. (I can honestly say it is one of my favorite things!) I decided to make today’s blog post and Mask Monday a marriage of something to address a few of those questions. Mask Monday is not something I started. Let me be very clear about that. I saw it tagged on Instagram and being educated in esthetics and very passionate about skin care, I ran with it and practice it most Mondays. Initially I thought this would be a great opportunity to practice homemade face masks, but let’s be honest, we all have lives and while I soon realized this wasn’t super realistic in my day, every week, it wouldn’t likely be practical in yours, all the time, either. I do attempt homemade DIY skin care fairly frequently, (I have shared some of those in my newsletters.) and am currently working on a few things in that realm of skin care.

Today, though Mask Monday will be a key feature in this post, what I really want to address is the self-care aspect of it. While regular skin care is important, the act of intentionally take care of yourself is far more so. A few of my regular Mask Monday followers have confessed that this is the only time they really have for themselves, each week, as they sandwich it into busy lives, motherhood, work and other chaos. My response to this is always one of encouragement, and hope that they can sandwich a few more moments throughout the week. The art of living simply is becoming ever so trendy, and yet it still seems just out of reach for many of us.

If we can manage 15 minutes most Mondays, than let’s be intentional about it. The 10-15 minutes that our mask sits, feeding our skin, is our time to nourish ourselves. No dishes, or laundry. No checking in on social media. The care of self we take, within the time frame of the self-care mask on our faces, is vital.

I am not going to tell you what to do with your time, each of our needs are different. I will encourage you not to spend them on social media or technology of any kind. Though our lives have become more dependent on these things, they are pretty much the opposite of self nurturing.

Sometimes I do a few chores, but I make sure these are things representative of why this sacred slot of time is. This morning, mask on skin, I washed my make up brushes. Sometimes I brew a pot of tea and just dwell within the process, clearing my mind. There are days I stretch, journal, pick up a novel, paint my toe nails, write a note to a friend… These things work for me and fill my internal bucket, they may look different for you. Whatever they are, be intentional, and remember to take care of yourself.

I am a big believer in whatever we do, let’s do it well. The act of nurturing ourselves should not be the exception and it seems like often it is. There are days when I am just exhausted and doing a mask feels like the only thing I can manage, and even that feels daunting. On days like that, I may spread out my yoga matt and stretch, or just lie there and try to focus on the things I am grateful for. There are days when I drink a glass of water and take my vitamins, then choose a healthy snack (usually something rich in antioxidants) and practice just being while I enjoy it. On the really great days I do a hair mask as well. (Honestly those don’t happen as much as they should.) One of my favorite Monday things is to stare at my vision board. (Don’t have a vision board? Maybe take your fifteen minutes to start working on one! A Vision board is a GREAT way to love yourself!) Listen to you. Not the voices that tell you it’s a waste of time, or to do it later. Not the voices filled with negativity. Find what your soul is telling you today TODAY. It may not be what you need next time, and that’s ok. This intentional time for you is the most important thing you can do for you, so let’s do it well.

There is a need, and though I am no expert, I have read your questions and notes and heard what lies behind many of them. I’m going to make Monday posts here more focussed on self-care. Some days this may be loosely connected and other days it may be a brief blurb. I hope they help us all, as we journey through this life.

 

It’s friday, I’m in love…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

Hey, you guys!

How was your week? Mine was a week. I had a court hearing regarding the care of my mom that simply illustrated why it is so important to watch what we say and only speak from a place of thoughtful intention. In a nutshell, a couple of years ago my mother said some steep things, on record, based out of anger that haunt us to this day… Beyond that, it was not a horrible week, really.

Here we are, approaching another delightful summer weekend! Big plans? My weekend hopes involve a bike ride, picnic, visit with my mama and finally seeing A Ghost Story. (If it is as good as I’m hoping it will be, it may end up on my list next week!)

This week found me with a few low-fibro days. There was a fair amount of down time, which isn’t a bad thing sometimes. My list of favorites might reflect that a little…

1.) If you know me at all, you will know that I LOVE all things Flow. (everything except how hard it is to get, here in the states.) Their app is really great and I love it so much that I wanted to share it with you! It is intentional, thoughtful and often thought-provoking.

2.) I’ve talked about Chocorite before. We really love most of their products that we have tried. I have fallen in love with a smoothie using their Vanilla Bean powder. (i also love their PB and their cappuccino, FYI) I use a nutri-bullet and I take 1 banana, 5 chunks pineapple, 1/2 cup orange juice, handful spinach, serving of vanilla bean powder and blend. CRAZY delicious and carried me throughout my morning AND a zumba class!

3.) Like I said, I’ve had a fair amount of downtime, as of late. It was in that, which I found that our family’s FAVORITE board game has an awesome app. Ticket to Ride is so fun, and the app is no exception. Chw and I playedd in pass-n-play, I played it solo mode and tried online with others. (That option was my LEAST favorite.)

4.) The new album Ti Amo by Phoenix! I have loved them for years, but this album really is a great listen. (It is filling up my spotify time!)

5.) This Ava & Viv Tankini top! I had to buy a new bathing suit earlier in the year and I have had issues falling out of it constantly. Recently I got fed up and decided the stress over worrying whether or not I was going to give the lifeguard a show was not worth it, and so I found this. It is flattering, comfortable, cute and super supportive!

What things did you really love, this week?

a little blue…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay2 Comments

This photo obviously isn’t me. It also wasn’t either of my dogs. It also, in my opinion, is not exactly where one should be walking their dog, especially not with a handbag like that. Either their car broke down and they are setting off, on foot- or its a sort of city-girl-in-the-country thing.

Completely irrelevant to the point of this post really, except that it is a photo of a girl and her dog. Yesterday I was walking Emma, (who is mostly my husband’s dog. Emma enjoys long walks, dog parks and abhors any type of love, faithfulness or affection, thus making her the anti-dog) when we heard the bellow of a young beagle from somewhere not too far away, but also not visible from our vantage point. Needless to say, my heart skipped a beat. I miss Knightley so much. I miss Paisley too, (for those of you who aren’t up on the dog talk, my dog of 6 years passed away from cancer last August. Her name was Paisley and she was the most loving, faithful and best dog ever. It took me until March to be able to get a new dog. His name was Knightley. Unbeknownst to us, he had kidney failure from birth and so at our 3 month anniversary of being his family, we got the news that he was suffering neurological damage and was dying so we had to euthanize him. He was four months and one week old. It was terrible.) I already wasn’t having a great day. Fibromyalgia crash and burn day likely triggered by the life-cocktail of heavy humidity over the weekend and stress from a few family extended situations.

I simply came home, ate some carbs and laid on the couch, giving up on the day. I napped fitfully (WORST decision you can make with Fibromyalgia. Naps are of the devil, and yet…) and spent the rest of my Tuesday cycling through various forms of fire, ache, throb and stiffness. I had every fever symptom, to boot, minus the actual fever. It was delightful and I was beyond apologetic to Chw because the worst part of all of it will forever be the guilt that I’m not contributing. I finished my night with cereal for dinner and popcorn for snack. (yay Carbs!) Of course, I was awake until late in the night/early in the morning because of the devil nap from earlier.

Today is a new day, today is a new day, today is a new day…

We have this jar that sits by the door which we’ve titled Project Puppy. The plan is that by July of next year, that change jar will hold enough to adopt again. My heart can take it, I think. Until then I will be a little lonely at times and super lonely at others. I will imagine my bouncy little buddy (for the brief time he was bouncy, that is) at the most unexpected of times, and deal with our Emma, who maybe loves us in a super strange and un-doglike way. I will stow away my nickels and dimes within that jar and wait, seeing what lessons unfold from this season of life. Michigan is hard. Michigan is the only state I have lived in (of the five I’ve resided in as an adult) where it feels impossible to form close friendships. It was not like this when we lived here before, but most of those people also left the state and the rest- well, time changes things.

I remember having this conversation with a friend many years ago, when she said I just want to find a close friend who knows where the glasses in my kitchen cupboard are and she comes over and makes herself at home. I think of that often, her words haunting me a bit. I also wonder why there aren’t online “dating” sites for friendship but then realize it is probably because women can be awful and so that likely wouldn’t workout so well. These things have to develop organically, I suppose.

In the meantime, just so you know, my glasses are just to the right of my sink, but don’t drink that water, it’s pretty gross. There’s a cooler behind you, and that water is much better.

Shoeboxes…

Published on by Mae @ Rainydayinmay4 Comments

Several years ago, when we were sorting through our  attic stuff to move to Michigan, we came across the Orange shoebox. Just seeing the shoebox will cause us to give pause. Makaila, our beloved golden retriever and Genny’s childhood best friend, was diagnosed with bladder cancer. As her health deteriorated we, as a family, gave her the best week ever. The week was filled with her favorite things and foods. Our Idaho vet has a cool program where you can have your dog cremated and scattered at a local Christmas tree farm. It was beautiful and fitting. 

This shoebox has become this heavy thing which we carry through life, but cannot part with, nor would we want to. This shoebox seemed like such a solitary life weight, until last August anyway. After five years alone, we had to add another shoebox. My beautiful dog Paisley hid her cancer so well that when we realized she was sick, she had such a short amount of time left. We did not have the time to afford her best week so we settled for a really awesome best day. Both of our girls had loved peanut butter pancakes, soft serve vanilla ice cream and car rides, so we said tear-filled-smiling adventures with those.

The loss of Paisley hit me so hard and I was left with a gaping hole. Seven months later I stumbled upon a listing for a litter of puppies in southern Illinois. I’d wanted a beagle for as long as I could remember. I knew that, as I approached this new chapter of life, the companionship of a dog would really make the difference.

I fell in love with the last of these little puppies. He, my Mr. Knightley, was instantly smitten with me. He loved me almost immediately and though he wasn’t quite Paisley shaped, he was Knightley shaped and come to find out- I needed that hole filled too. It was early on that we learned his beginnings had been less than ideal. He was so young and required a lot of attention and love. The first five-week that he was mine found me with very little sleep. Most nights he snuggled into my neck and chest while I just held him tight and soaked his puppy goodness into my soul. It seemed as though my little snuggle puppy could not get close enough, and I was all too happy to comply.

As time passed it become clear that our Mr. Knightley- my Mr. Knightley– was going to have a bit of a tough time. About 5 weeks ago he had a traumatic experience with growing pains in his back left leg. The ordeal left both Gen and I pretty severely bitten and him very shaken up. We forged through it though, and fell even more in love with him. About two weeks ago it seemed the growing pains were at it again. He received a soft diagnosis of Panosteitis and an appointment to follow-up was scheduled for two this past Tuesday. We were encouraged to keep his movement limited, and just love on him and as comfortable as we could.

Tuesday did not go well. A full blood panel was done and Wednesday  morning found me sobbing on the phone, with the results. His kidneys were not working. His other organs were compromised. The kidney thing wasn’t new, they’d likely always been damaged. We were encouraged to not let any time pass, as he was suffering immensely.

My adorable little blue-tick beagle Knightley, with the black heart on his left side, did not get the luxury of a best-week-ever, or even a best day. He got to lay on my chest, breathing turned shallow over night, content to just be with me. We were at a loss with how to love him in special ways as he wasn’t eating and we’d only had three months with him, and many days within those months had been struggles. We weren’t sure what his best things ever would even be, except one… The boy loved his puppacinos. For eleven minutes of that forever-long car ride, that sweet little puppy was beside himself with joy.

His heart and body gave out as they injected the sedative, prior to euthanization. One moment he whimpered, staring into my love filled eyes, and the next he was running free and playing somewhere far more heavenly. This afternoon I gathered his tiny collar and his favorite chew toys into a shoebox. Another shoebox, another hole. An empty home and painfully empty arms. For three months and seven days I was deeply connected to this sweet little baby boy, and now I am not.

Goodbye sweet boy. 

 

Consider it an invitation…

Published on by Mae @ RainydayinmayLeave a comment

I love Jesus.

I am pretty ok with that, and I hope that you are too. If you aren’t, just know I am ok with that too. My loving Jesus isn’t about you at all, it is about me. It’s about my heart, my life, my choices, my journey, and a lot of other large and small things which add up to equal my faith.

I cautiously consider myself a Christian. I say cautiously because, honestly, at least in America (and some perceptions of American Christianity) the name has gained a bit of a rough reputation.

My pastor spent Sunday morning talking about Detroit. This looked a little like a history lesson. It involved political bits, heart bits, hard truths and a bunch of other uncomfortable and completely relevant things which together equalled a pretty amazing talk. He challenged us to be honest with ourselves about the walls we build. Initially the topic came up because Detroit was once known to have a dividing wall. I guess pieces of this wall still exist. This wall was raised to literally divide the African-Americans and the Whites. Though the wall isn’t technically much of a thing anymore, Detroit is still ranked as the most segregated city in America. I live in the metro part of this amazing city and I have to say this announcement shocked me. Our church alone, (granted, it’s a pretty huge church) likely has multiple people from most nations, in attendance. Our neighborhood actually has a dozen flag poles sporting flags from 12 different nations because we are such a diverse little community. Then again, this is the metro area, and not Detroit itself.

He illustrated his point by having several people from different countries approach the front of the church. They looked at each other, chatted some, laughed a little and then affirmed “there are no more walls between us.” I’ll admit it- it was emotional and I totally teared up. After this, he had fans of rivaling college teams do the same thing. It was funny and laughs were had, but when he sobered and asked us what walls we put up, I was challenged. I am pretty accepting. I don’t shy away from anyone really. I love meeting people and things that are different don’t scare me. Since that service, I’ve thought a lot about this. There are off-putting things, about me, which likely cause others to put up a wall between us. Despite losing 130 lbs, I am still overweight. I have a lazy eye. I was separated from my husband for 6 months (an issue that many fellow Christians we know can’t seem to get past.) in fact, here is a list of things which have caused people I’ve known to distance themselves from me…

I voted for Hillary.

I have a diverse taste of music.

I don’t support people who discriminate against ANYONE and using their religion as an excuse.

I worked as a film critic for years.

I drink.

As a photographer I have done many boudoir sessions.

I am an adoptive parent.

I struggled with infertility.

I am pro-choice and hate abortion.

I was sexually abused.

I hate porn and believe it decomposes a person’s ability to have healthy self image/relationships/etc.

I am a feminist.

I believe in marriage.

I support equality.

I do not believe men and women are equal. I am different from my husband and my brother. I am not better, but different. I don’t want to be like them.

I do believe men and women should have equal rights, DO HAVE equal worth and value.

I love Jesus.

I will never “shove Jesus down your throat” or preach at you.

I am a person and so each of these things make up a piece of my story… Each of these things has a story and reason for it’s position in my life.

I will not bother/hurt/offend me if your stories are different and your beliefs do not match mine.

 

If you know me, you know that I am a party planner. Best of all are dinner parties. LOVE THEM. Upon moving back to Michigan in 2013, my party opportunities are limited, and this makes me a little sad. After that sermon though, I got to imagining a dinner party. What if we had a lovely homosexual couple over for dinner. What if, in addition to them, we had an African-American couple, a middle eastern couple and a few other diverse additions? Other than the likely fact that we would have some really interesting and unpredictable conversation, what would we have?

A dinner party.

That is literally it. It would not be an experiment. It would not be a meeting. It would not be anything other than a group of people getting together to share a meal and converse. Obviously we would all have SOMETHING in common, or the dinner party wouldn’t exist in the first place. (hence the interesting and unpredictable conversation)

I really wish this dinner party were happening. Do you know why? Because I am seriously lonely and want to host a lovely little dinner party. (That’s the only reason actually. Maybe you should come for dinner…)

When it comes to a different race, or a different class, or a different religion, I am unruffled. None of these things will hinder me from approaching someone, or befriending them, or responding to them if they approach me. The one thing that may honestly hinder me is the fact that I am a total introvert and often have much better intentions than follow through, and I get a little insecure. While I want to approach someone, those things I first mentioned (overweight, lazy eye, etc.) become the wall I throw up to save my ass from someone else’s rejection.

Recently I had the opportunity to get to know a small group of women. One of the women I shallowly pegged immediately as a little stuck up and clearly she had it all together. She was thin and honestly, gorgeous. As time progressed though, it became surprisingly obvious that this beautiful woman and I had far more in common that anyone else in the group. Ironically the fat girl with the lazy eye and the drop dead gorgeous and in shape woman became friends. Is that how she saw me? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I threw up a wall with my initial assessment, and what I assumed would be hers… Thankfully that wall became a gate and now it is gone completely. My point is, when pastor Bob challenged us to find our walls and why we build them, this friend instantly popped in my head. I could have missed out on so much because I jumped to conclusions. I don’t do that as a habit, but I don’t want to do it ever. I want to be better, with others and with myself.

I want to have dinner party after dinner party where my table is filled with people who contribute to great conversation, people who enjoy food and maybe an occasional game or glass of wine. Beyond that, while I don’t want to be blind to their differences, I do want to understand and appreciate them for the unique people they are. (whoever they will be)